Sounds of Scorpio
Someone had a great idea. To produce zodiac books for each sign, and also include a music CD with tracks that depict the certain sign. it’s a sound idea, but the producer skimmed in one area. He decided not to pay for about 8 tracks and instead used cheap ass rejects from forgotten time periods and bands. I feel it my duty to go through this CD once again, one I almost swore never to listen to again. As a true to the bone Scorpio, I feel its my duty to expel the myths behind us, and to put half these god damn songs in their rightful place. So without further ado, here we go.

Track 1: Foreigner - Hot Blooded. Readers might recognize this song from a fairly decent band. I’ve got no gripes with this song, and when I first listened to this on the CD I was very optimistic, despite not knowing  most of the other bands on this CD. Little did I know this was part 1 of the evil producers plan to destroy my ears….soon enough…

Track 2: Pat Benatar - Fire and Ice. I know what your saying, “these are great songs!, he’s just in desperate need to write an article” Only that last part is true. I do agree, this is a good song, and for the record, its pretty accurate to what a Scorpio would do. I should of stopped after Fire and Ice the first time, because afterwards its all pretty much fire, as in Hell, suffering, agony…

Track 3: Berlin - Sex (I’m A…). Never heard of Berlin? Join the club…its apparent right from the beginning that this is two steps away from being a porno track. It starts off with a whispering of “Sex…” and  from there its pretty much downhill. First off, it’s a duet,  and these two go together like sand paper and your face. I can’t even fairly call this a song, with the same porn soundtrack undertone throughout it and them just listing “fantasy” things they are. This is not a Scorpio’s way, this is “Big Chad” and “Busty Betty’s” way.

Track 4: Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up. That’s right, “Badd”. So bad in fact that it couldn’t be fit into one “d”.  The really scary thing about this song is it has an undertone which sounds like Michael Jackson. You know, when he was young, adorable, oh yeah and black. All throughout that old school sweet sounding voice is “I wanna sex you up” and “tic tock you don’t stop”, as well as some old lady yelling some gibberish. If you’d like to save the 4 minutes of your life that would be listening to this song, play Disney’s “It’s a Small World” for a minute while watching one of those HBO “porn’ specials.

Track 5: The Persuaders - The Thin Line Between Love and Hate. You know, compared to the others, this wasn’t so so bad. But in a regular zone, this would be consider blasphemous. It’s a old school groove with a hint of “funk” still into it. Probably made during the bands transition from the sunshine and lolli pops era to Shaft. Why the producer really put this song in here though, is to make you somewhat interested in continuing to listen..and thats where he kills you.

Track 6: Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn - First off,  I do 
not like poison, period. Anyone who holds this as their dear song to their heart and listen to it on those cold, cold nights when they’re alone, get over it, get a life, don’t DO THIS TO YOURSELF. The guitar, the voice, the all of a sudden rock undertone, its like mixing oil, water, acid,  and sand, hoping to make 7up. Just don’t do it, please, please, please…

Tack 7: Lita Ford - Playing with Fire. Yes, I am a child of rock, so I do have some biased opinion to this song. The guitars alright, if you like those old rock songs where there was overlapping of different voices, then hey you may dig this. Besides, after chucking in a Poison song, my bleeding ears deserved a break.

Track 8-11: The next 4 just kind of blurred together in one strenuous pile of crap. Retro music, and one weak piano song put my mind into a stupor. I begin to wish for the end, whatever it may be. I wondered if this is what Jews in Concentration camps felt like, before hitting the “showers”?  Alright, so maybe that’s a little extreme…but not for the next, and final song.

Track 12: Satan - Welcoming Song to Hell. Alright, so its really called “Scorpio”. The beginning is a clarinet that sounds very Kenny G’ish. I could of stopped right now, and most would agree that was hell enough. But no, I am convinced this song was specifically designed as a torture device for when all else failed. Then out of NO WHERE this voice comes out and says “This is Scorpio”.  Imagine a Cool cat poet from the early days while other poets play bongo’s in the background and maybe you’ll have it down. Once again, this is not a song. All he does is lists traits and bull crap, all the while Satan’s Clarinet plays in the background. Then the weird shit really starts. Some spacey out there noises start going on. I’ve never done drugs, but if you did crack, speed, heroin, and E at once, I’m guessing the result would be the equivalent to this music. Don’t believe me? Here’s some of the last words. “Never challenge a Scorpio, always be his friend, or he will retaliate…and will destroy you”.

There is only one exception to that last  sentence being total bull crap, and that’s me destroying the producer of this CD.
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