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G-RATED JOKES AND STORIES
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INDEX TO JOKES AND STORIES


GO TO THE MOST RECENT MATERIAL

 
Computer Horror Stories:
- or -
Why On-line Techs Go Gray
A "Hare-y Tale" of
Rabbit Resurrection!

 

Hymns for Just 
About Any Occasion

 

1997's Environmental
Whacko TOP 10
The Preacher's Parrot

 

Was It Or Wasn't It Murder?
Clean Jokes
 
 ROCCS Home Page
 

 



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COMPUTER CRAZINESS
-OR-
THE JOB WILL DRIVE YOU NUTS . . . . UNLESS YOU CAN LAUGH


Can you believe that these things really happen? So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal * article by Jim Carlton --

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!



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RUN-DOWN RABBIT RESURRECTED ON ROAD!!


A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong."I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. It continued hopping and waving until it disappeared in the distance.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hair spray: restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

--Anonymous



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"HYMNS APPROPRIATE TO THE OCCASION"


The Dentist's Hymn--"Crown Him with Many Crowns"

The TV Weatherman's Hymn---"There Shall be Showers of Blessing"

The Contractor's Hymn--"The Church's one Foundation"

The Tailor's Hymn--"Holy, Holy, Holy"

The Golfer's Hymn---"There is a Green Hill Far Away"

The Politician's Hymn--"Standing on the Promises"

The Optometrist's Hymn--"Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"

The IRS Hymn--"All to Thee"

The Gossiper's Hymn--"Pass it On"

The Electrician's Hymn--"Send the Light"

The Shopper's Hymn--"Sweet by and by"

If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:

at 45 mph...."God Will Take Care of Me"

at 55 mph...."Guide me, O Great Jehovah"

at 65 mph...."Nearer My God to Thee"

at 75 mph..."Nearer Still Nearer"

at 85 mph..."This World is not my Home"

at 95 mph...."Lord, I'm Coming Home"

at 100 mph...."Precious Memories"

-- Author unknown.



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The Angels are Watching!


Late one night, a burglar broke into a pastor's house which he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "His angels are watching." Looking about nervously he saw nothing. So, he attributed what he heard to an active imagination, and turned his attention to the house.

Silence returned. Steathily he crept forward, his flashlight moving from side to side. Again from the darkness came the strange voice. "His angels are watching!"

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened and trembling. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner the flashlight's beam found a bird cage, and inside was a parrot.

He moved carefully to the cage. "Was that you who said his angels are watching me?" He asked the parrot.

"Yes," it squawked, as it focused intently on the thief.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief. Amazed at the bird's intelligence, he asked, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," replied the bird, matter-of-factly.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the now-confident criminal. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

Coldly, but with a tinge of satisfaction, the bird squawked its hoarse reply, "The pastor named me Clarence, and that's not half as dumb the two Rotweilers he calls his Angels!"
 



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ENVIRONMENTAL WHACKOS TOP 10 FOR '97


FROM: Scoop®

Your Inside View to the Strategies and Activities of the Conservative Movement in Washington







Issue 182 * December 19, 1997

The National Center for Public Policy Research
Amy Ridenour, President 300 Eye Street N.E. Suite 3
* Washington, D.C. 20002 (202) 543-1286 *
Fax (202) 543-4779 E-Mail: scoop@nationalcenter.org
Web: http://www.nationalcenter.org


Ten Dumbest Things Environmental Extremists Said and Did in 1997

To mark the final meeting of the year, Task Force participants nominated and voted on their favorite ridiculous quotes by extreme environmentalists in 1997. The following are the top ten selections, which were submitted by Myron Ebell of Frontiers of Freedom, Brian Seascholes and R.J. Smith of the Competitive Enterprise Institute, Rich Zipperer of Consumer Alert, Chad Cowan and David Ridenour of The National Center for Public Policy Research and several who wish to remain anonymous:
 

10) Central economic planning and poverty are virtues:
"The nation of sport-utility vehicles is lecturing a nation of bicycles." - Richard Mott, president of the World Wildlife Fund, in response to the U.S.'s insistence that developing nations be required to participate in a global warming treaty, Washington Post, 12/2/97
 

9) The pot calling the kettle black:
"We believe that Congressman Riggs is out of touch with reality and out of touch with the values of mainstream Americans. Not only is he defending an inexcusable use of torture, he is a party to the assault on our forest lands and our environmental laws. We want every resident of the 1st Congressional District to know at least three things about Frank Riggs -- he supports Charles Huritz, he wants to cut down our forests, and he supports the use of pepper spray on our kids." - Carl Pope, Executive Director of the Sierra Club, in a statement supporting Earth First! activists who occupied and vandalized Congressman Riggs' office, throwing bark and sawdust six inches deep onto office equipment, desks and the floor and chaining themselves to a 400-pound tree stump they wheeled in.
 

8) Now, tell me again why global warming is bad?:
"In California, the sorts of changes in weather patterns that scientists say are caused by global warming already can be seen by the surfers who no longer need a wetsuit in warmer oceans off San Francisco, the fishermen who are suddenly finding tropical fish in once-colder northern waters, and those who weathered the El Nino-inspired storm in Los Angeles last week." - Los Angeles Times, 12/11/97.
 

7) What they really mean by "choice.":
"Families should be limited to one child." - Media mogul and environmental activist Ted Turner on ABC's Prime Time Live, December 10, 1997
 

6) Yet another problem with ozone depletion: It's messing up the global warming scare.:
"Yes [satellite temperature data has shown a cooling trend], and it's a cooling of the stratosphere; as opposed to the issue of climate change - [which] isn't the stratosphere, it's the troposphere. It's the air that surrounds the planet, that we walk and live and breathe on. And the cooling of the stratosphere, by the way, is the result of ozone - stratospheric ozone depletion - the hole in the ozone [layer]. So yes, we agree and that wouldn't have anything to do with it." - Katie McGinty, Chairman of the Council of Environmental Quality at the Western States Coalition Summit VIII, Spokane, Washington, July 12, 1997
 

5) God's blessing comes to animals before humans:
"The first blessing of fruitfulness is in Genesis 1:22. It is the blessing and mandate to the fish and birds to be fruitful and multiply and fill the sky and seas. Why is that said first? It is said first so we don't forget them. The blessing comes to all other creatures first." - Dr. Calvin B. DeWitt, cofounder of the Evangelical Environmental Network in his presentation to the 10th Joint Faith Meeting on the Environment, January 28, 1997
 

4) Burning the village in order to save it:
Millions of gallons of jet fuel was burned to get delegates, environmentalists, journalists and others to Kyoto, Japan all to tell us we should cut back on our consumption of fossil fuels. A single individual travelling from New York to Kyoto, Japan and back, for example, used over 203 gallons of jet fuel for the journey.
 

3) How to build a broader coalition aligned against you:
"[It] doesn't have to be as controversial as some people make it out to be." -- Al Gore discussing one of his proposed solutions to global warming: Abortion in Third World countries to control the world's population. Gore floated this proposal to weather forecasters on October 1, 1997 during a meeting at the White House on global warming. Consequently, pro-life advocates began to mobilize against the Administration's global warming policies.
 

2) What happened to the separation of church and state?:
"We have reached a fundamentally new stage in the development of human civilization... To [curb greenhouse gases] requires humility because the spiritual roots of our crisis are pridefulness and a failure to understand and respect our connections to God's Earth and to each other." -- Al Gore, Wall Street Journal, 12/12/97
 

1) A new Committee on Un-American Activities in the works?:
"[The] oil companies and the coal companies in the United States have joined in a conspiracy to hire pseudo-scientists to deny the facts [on global warming]... I think that the energy companies need to be called to account because what they're doing is un-American in the most basic sense..." - Secretary of Interior Bruce Babbitt, WAMU Radio, July 21, 1997



 

Scoop is published by The National Center for Public Policy Research to provide information about the activities of the conservative movement. Coverage of a meeting or statement in Scoop does not imply endorsement by The National Center for Public Policy Research. Copyright 1997 The National Center for Public Policy Research. Reprints of articles in Scoop permitted provided source is credited.



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CLEAN JOKES


DISCLAIMER: These jokes are fiction. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and any resemblance to blondes (EXCEPT HILLARY CLINTON AND ALL LIBERALS), living or dead is purely coincidental -- I hope! ~~Deke


This one comes from ol' Tedd Keever, hisself. He said he didn't intend to offend anyone, and I'm not offended. Of course, I'm not a blonde. So, if you are offended complain to me! (|;-{> GRIN!!!!


Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.


"Optimists say, 'the glass is half full,' pessimists say, 'the glass is half empty.' I say, 'I don't give a hoot, I'm THIRSTY!' " ~~Lil' Deke (AKA Moose)



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Several years ago a brilliant but very lonley geneticist decided to make a big change in his life. Cloning frogs had been a great achievement, but it had always been his desire to have children. Nearly 70 years old, he had finally accepted that he would never be a daddy unless he took drastic steps to alter his sad and lonely life. He went to work on a new project with the fervor common to brilliant people on the brink of a new and earth-shaking discovery.

In less that three months of virtually sleepless research our intrepid scientist managed to do what had been thought both unethical or impossible. He successfully cloned himself.

Nine months later, a baby boy, a perfect duplicate -- or so he thought -- emerged from his laboratory. Lovingly, tenderly, carefully, he nurtured and reared his offspring. Baby grew to boy, and boy to young man. The proud dad was very pleased with his achievement, save for one minor flaw. This was the most foul-mouthed kid on the face of the earth. Never had our scientist engaged in using even something so inoffensive as an occasional "darn it!" His son, on the other hand, found it all but impossible to utter more than five words without one being four-lettered. His dad's reputation, both as a scientist and a father was being utterly destroyed.

Dad made relentless efforts to correct his verbally errant child. Giving up his liberal beliefs, he tried grounding the kid, stern scoldings, and even resorted to applying the rod of correcton. Nothing worked. The little foul-mouth's torrent of expletives continued unabated. It was time for the scientist to act before his reputation was ruined forever.

One warm summer afternoon they loaded up their van and headed for a sightseeing tour of the Grand Canyon. When they arrived at the rim, at a very precipitous overlook, the scientist commented to his cloned offspring about the mighty forces that had come together to create the chasm. Unimpressed if not insulted for a presumed lack of knowledge, and in foul-mouthed rebellion, the ungrateful wretch told his dad just what he could do to the canyon. In a moment of blind rage and passion, without thought, the scientist pushed his clone over the edge.

Two days later, finally freed from the promise of a life of shame and misery, the scientist was arrested by local authorities. Upon discovering that the deceased was a human clone, and not a natural son, the district attorney agonized over what he should do about what was obviously a case of murder, but for which there was no legal grounds for a murder charge. No one was even slightly certain whether the victim could even be considered human, much less a murder victim. After pondering the problem for several days, the D.A. finally charged the scientst.

Pretrial publicity immediately stole the headlines in the local gazette: "SCIENTIST ARRESTED! CHARGED WITH MAKING WORLD'S FIRST OBSCENE CLONE FALL!"

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~~DEKE


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