As relationships come together, two people form an alliance between themselves to be true to one another. Whether that truism is spoken or not, it is an understanding communicated through trust. As a child, trust is so freely given, that devastation of trust can cause many irreputable damages to ones inner self and so it was with me. I may have been in my late twenty's, but the fears that held me down as a child for so long, had manifested itself into a darkening void, where I saw only glimmers of light. These glimmers are self evident in the lightening part of the storm. They are glimmers of light to help guide you through the darkness of the storm, to safety.
Though the next few years I worked hard, and took care of my home life with a great passion, the storm still loomed around me. In my mind, the storm was gone. I had closed the "door" on all that had gone on in the past with the attitude that the monster was someone elses problem. I wouldn't waste all my precious time on such trivial meaningless endeavors to deal with what had gone on in the past. I thought myself whole as a person, with a few weird fears, and an uncanny thirst for affection from those around me that I loved. I thought this was normal motherhood and wifedom, but I had so much to learn about the power this authoritive thief had, and how much he had stolen from my being. My whole life revolved around my husband and my children. My anger towards my immediate family was easily explained away, by the lack of care they showed , in my eyes. I was so desperate for love, and wanted to make ammends with the ones who had previously wronged me, never realizing that the pain was much deeper than I had perceived, thus making it impossible for me to give them the warm loving relationship I had so thirsted for.
I had become a person, who for all to see, seemed normal. I however was not the person that everyone thought. I could be articulate, and affectionate, passionate and understanding, kind and considerate, but I could not trust, I hated authority figures was an extremely light sleeper, often needed affection and reassurance that there was security in my relationships with others, which stemmed from my husband to my children, even including the people who had wronged me. My biggest fear to face, was the fear of abandonment, which I could not get over. I often worried , most times needlessly about being left behind, or the relationship of a friend taking her friendship away from me.
I was to say the least very compulsive with my cleaning, and very untrusting of everyone. I was very protective of the ones I love, and extremely possessive of them as well. This was all due to the overwhelming fear of abandonment I held very close in myself, always looking for that Thunderous roar of the clouds to come back and darken my doorsteps. Those "safe" years saw me as a strong person, who let nothing stand in her way of happiness. Unfortunately, the clouds that loomed overhead always managed to place a void in my life that I failed to explain. My self esteem, had been so riddled with fear that I refused to believe in my own thoughts. I busied myself with "others" placing the majority of importance on their lives, and trials, instead of my own. Some might say that by putting the past behind me and closing the door, I was in fact rid of the rath the monster riddled my inner being with for all those years. In reality, I was only postponing the inevitable pain and confusion for another time. I lived in a world where turmoil loomed inside my soul, refusing to recognize and deal with it. It became a daily episode of anger from within, which I tried, sometimes in vain, to sheild my loved ones from seeing.
I started to have problems with work, always seeking approval for the work I had accomplished, and never quite getting out what I felt I put into it. With a misunderstanding between bosses, and a fear of being replaced, I quit before they could fire me, feeling that they too had let me down. Three weeks after this, I found myself pregnant with my third child, and thrilled at the thought of having a baby with my husband. He doted his attentions on me, worried about me, and made me feel important, which I absorbed and desperately needed. My self esteem grew stronger, because I knew where I was going, since I had been down this road before, and was on familiar ground. This coupled with the attention my husband lavished me with strengthened my inner being. It became a drug to me, the attention, and love he gave me, and the more he gave, the more I needed to feel. Also at this time, my relationship with my stepbrother which had grown close throughout the years, was ever present within my storm. He had found out he had cancer, and only being a young man, of thirty, I convinced myself that he would beat this. He was a strong lifeforce, someone to talk to, someone who listened , and someone who loved you for all your faults as well as your accomplishments. He knew of the monster, and helped me during those crisis years, to believe in myself. Just three days before I was due to have my third child, he passed away, much to my surprise. He was part of my strength, and part of the vision I sought to find within myself.
After the birth of my daughter, within two months I was pregnant again, but this time, my husband didn't show the same attention as before, mainly because this had become familiar ground for him as well. With two children almost at the teenage years, and one infant, and one more on the way, my life seemed full. After the birth of my fourth child, a son, our life together seemed to be as complete as it could get. But it wasn't as complete as I thought. The clouds were still above me, but with the added responsibilities of two small children, I really didn't think too much about what those clouds were doing hanging around. The lightening kept leading me out into the light of day, sparing me the pain of what was yet to come.
As it happened, I was to get pregnant yet a third time, thirteen months after my fourth child bringing our happy family to a grand total of seven. I reveled in motherhood, loving my family and all that I had to do. During all this time, there was only one other relationship that I doted upon, and that was the one I shared with my grandmother. She was the only adult that believed in me, when no one else would. She was always my love, and the only other person, aside from my husband that I knew unconditional love from. She was my light within my storm, and will always be close to my heart. Motherhood of course was all I knew and to be honest, after our fifth child, we had decided he would be our last. After the operation, I felt that I was doing the right thing at the time, but often now, in the present, I wish I hadn't ended that beautiful phase in my life.
At this point in my relationships, all was going as well as could be expected. I was, afterall, a mother to two teenagers, who wanted attention, but always managed to push the wrong buttons, infuriating me. Alot of times, I guess it was just hormones, but from their aspect, I guess I seemed like a raving lunatic at times, when all they really wanted was some understanding. I had my third child who was by now, well into the "terrible two's" , an extremely busy one year old, whos favorite passtime, was to get into trouble and of course my infant son, who was the most pleasant and patient person I had ever met. My grandmother and I were always in close contact, as well as my inlaws, making sure that we were all doing ok. For all to see, the storm had "past" and there were no more thunderous roars or black clouds in my path. All was going along well. My relationship with my own mother was shaky, but if you didn't think too hard about the relationship itself, and tried to just take things "off the cuff", you knew there was something there to be saved, and sought after. Our relationship has remained where it is, partially, because of the lack of communication between us. That in part is do to the disbelief I encountered all those years ago. Trust is so very important in a relationship and especially important in a parent/child relationship. With that trust being betrayed and mistrust being the cause of betrayal, it is hard for any adult to begin to forgive and forget what they view themselves to be an attack upon their intergrity. Love can still be prevalent as a course of nature, but the lack of truism between two individuals greatly reduces the chance for a clean break from the past. The longer this manifests, the longer the "storm" will have control over both individuals and thus it is with our relationship.
As a matter of course in life, it never stops for very long , and so it had come to past that my grandmother passed away. It was a long hard time, and still at times even now, I ache for her to hold me, to tell me how things are, and how things in life should be. She was always my mentor, and I have always strived to be just like her. I idolized her in every way, and in doing so, built an image up of a person I could never possibly be. In not achieving that goal, I then became a failure, which plummetted me into a depression that most of my family will never forget. To add to the destruction, my teenage daughter and I were not seeing eye to eye on a number of issues. For reasons, which I can not harvest a response to, she ran away from home, to live with her father. Coupling those two tramatic instances, even further delved me into the "well of depression" not understanding why I was not the mother I wanted to be. Questioning myself, became a daily ritual, and slowly my life began to sink. I felt the clouds looming over my head again, and I started to realize I would never be rid of the terrible storm that became part of my soul all so long ago.
Storm Central
Eye of the Storm
Love Relationship
My Inspirational Page
Poetry
My Dedication Page
Awards I have Received
Links Page
Tricia's Storm
Relationship of Faith
Get your own Free Home Page