OK, so you know you're a woman in a man's body (or vice versa). Maybe you've been trying to pretend to be normal all your life and want to come out to yourself and others. You may be wondering what to do. (Note: A lot of these suggestions only apply to women in men's bodies; if you are the reverse, you can still read on to get the overall gist of what I'm saying.)
First, come out to your family and closest friends. There's a very informative brochure called How to Come Out, designed for those who are gay, but still useful for our purposes. You may also want to refer to the FAQ on this site for any questions they might have. Also, show them the Cisgender Privilege Checklist.
You may already be doing this, but start allowing yourself to express your femininity more openly. Say what you think without caring about whether it will sound "manly." Start reading books for, by, and about women (and similar books for younger readers). Watch what are commonly called "chick flicks." Wear some pink shirts. Buy all the "girl toys" you never got to have as a kid (lots of transgendered people collect toys of the kind they never got to have). Play your own pretend game in which you magically become female. If you sound like a man (my natural voice sounds like my mom's), sing in a female voice when no one's around. (There are many sites on how to speak in a female voice. If nothing else, you'll be able to disguise your voice when you need to. If you'd like to learn how to have more feminine handwriting, check out this; it's useful for when you need to disguise your writing, and it's fun! In case you're wondering, I had no use for this, because my writing already looks feminine.)
The most important thing is that you begin to accept yourself. You're not a man with a mental problem, you're a woman with a male body. Many cultures define gender by gender identity, and I think they're right. Start allowing yourself to think of yourself as female, as "a second kind of woman." You may have already slipped a few times, like counting yourself when you count the number of women in a class. That's all right.
Make friends with women, if you haven't already. Get involved in activities where most of the people are women. If you're worried that they won't accept you because of your male body, you don't need to worry. Many are much more accepting than that, especially if they can see that you're more feminine than most men and aren't just talking with them to try to get a date. Some won't give you a chance, but that's all right; people like that don't give anyone a chance, regardless of gender. You may find that you're treated as a member of the group as much as anyone else. In fact, once you allow yourself to be more feminine, you may find that some people see you as female even if you look extremely masculine.
During my first quarter at graduate school, I studied with a group of girls from my class regularly and was eventually accepted as a member of this group. (The group disbanded after a few months, but I still talk with them one-on-one sometimes.) There was one time I remember really well. There were the 5 of us, and some boys in their own group, studying at the next table. We were having our conversation; they were having theirs. The instant the last boy left, our conversation changed. It was like someone hit a light switch. We all felt the instant freedom we had to just be girls without worrying about what the boys might think of us. We all became much more expressive, much more animated. It wouldn't make much sense if I gave you the minutes of the meeting--there were lots of inside jokes and personal things being said. Have you ever seen a bunch of girls chatting, laughing it up, having the time of their lives? It's a great thing to be part of. Guys don't know what they're missing. And that's just one example.
Think about why you would like to be a woman. Carefully consider each reason, and ask yourself if you could have any of the benefits while keeping your male body. If so, think about how you can have these benefits. If not, are there genetic women with the same problem? For example, we can't have babies, but there are some genetic women who can't have babies. If the answer to this question is yes, I would suggest dealing with the problem as they do. If not, then it's one of those things we just have to accept in life.
But I'd say the major thing is to try to avoid things that restrict you based on your assigned gender, as much as you can. As Kate Bornstein put it:
LOOK FOR WHERE GENDER IS, AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
In other words, it would be helpful to avoid anything where you are expected to act in accordance with our biological sex. Depending one who you are, that could mean something as small as avoiding all-male groups or something as major as being celibate. It's all up to you.
Lynn Conway gives this advice to recent male-to-female transsexuals, but I think it applies here:
One way to enhance the process... is to reflect every day on the small joys of your new life. Try to spend lots of time thinking about how cool things are now, and about what you are going to do today, tomorrow, and the next day to enjoy your new life. Taking a walk in the park, or having fun shopping, or going to work and seeing new friends there, or prettying your face with make-up in the morning... all these little everyday things can gradually bring on a ever-increasing sense of joy. Every day you can more strongly feel a sense of relief and happiness about the release you've found from the trap you were in, and about how totally cool it is to be "you" now. The more you find these little everyday things that bring you joy, the more you'll look ahead with optimism about the future.
You can also do this if you opt for the inner transition from denial and shame to acceptance. Once you fully accept that you're really a woman instead of a crazy man (or vice versa), you can do this. I know, it's not all that great a substitute, but it will make you feel better.
Actually, it's a great idea to reflect every day on the small joys of your life anyway.
The Woman You Were Born To Be
"Wait a minute," you may be saying, "You promised to explain why I don't have to wish I were a woman. How can this be if the world has decided for me that I'm a man?"
Short answer: Since when do you have to agree with what "the world" has decided? I'm going to copy a line from a book my mom read once: "Obey, and then do as you please." That's generally what people do anyway. Try it. Have a little fun.
Here's the longer answer. As I explain in the FAQ, women and men have different cultures, the way Americans and Japanese have different cultures. Most likely, you see the world from a more feminine perspective like I do. Your outlook on the world, your values, your beliefs, your customs, etc. are those of women, not those of men. If someone made a culture test for men and women, you would most likely identify with most of the items on the women's list and few items on the men's list. When it comes to your culture, for all intents and purposes, it is more logical to group you with women instead of with men. The only thing you really have in common with men is that you look like them.
For some of us, it isn't the whole world that decides we're male. I have found that 3 out of 8 women (but very few men) see me as a woman when they first meet me. This would be much more surprising if you knew what I look like. In addition, no woman I knew to be straight has ever been attracted to me; almost every woman who was ever attracted to me was either openly bisexual or openly lesbian, and the others never said anything one way or the other. (However, this does not mean you can date lesbians; their culture has taboos against dating biological males, especially those who present as male. Let's just say I learned this the hard way.) If you let yourself be more open, you may find this happening to you. Male and female energy are almost as important as biological sex in terms of how you are seen; think of all the masculine lesbians you've seen who you thought were men.
I read a poll on Yahoo! Answers asking women what they like about being female. Consider this answer:
i like being a girl because i think my intuition, sensitivity and my more emotional side gives me a depth of enjoyment of living that most men i know haven't had. i can easily appreciate the smallest things in life and have my priorities in order. not that guys don't always have these things but i find this to be a difference between women, and the men I've met.
If you accept that you're a woman with the wrong body instead of a man with the wrong mental attitude, you can have this benefit too.
Most likely, there are problems you have with being male that make you wish to change sex. But you'd be surprised how many of those problems are problems that some genetic women have. I've given you the example of being unable to have babies. You may not like the fact that you don't have a huge circle of girlfriends, that you didn't get to take part in girls' games as a kid, that you don't look like the pretty girl in your class who has all the guys fawning over her, that you can't wear what you'd like to wear, etc. Well, for all the problems I've listed, some genetic women have them too. Even the problem of being allowed to be yourself falls into this; the same people who hate femininity in men just barely tolerate it in women, because they believe that masculine values are (somehow) better than feminine values. Women who are successful in male-dominated occupations are often the ones who act like men. When that group of girls was still together, it wasn't just me who felt the freedom that came from having no boys around; it was all of us.
Start defining gender by gender identity--by the inside, not the outside. If you do this, you will see that you don't really have to wish you were a woman because, under this new definition, you are. Many tribal cultures, and a few modern cultures, would agree with you.
Of course, you may still wish for all the stuff I've listed. In that case, what you really want is to belong to a small subset of women. Genetic women outside that subset want to be in it just as much as you do. I can't stress this enough.
The Clothes Don't Always Make the Woman
Some people suggest cross-dressing as a solution to strong cross-gender desires. A little private cross-dressing can be all right, but generally speaking, cross-dressing can be dangerous. You may be a victim of the same kind of violence that is targeted at male-to-female transsexuals if you go out in public. You can also lose your job if you are caught; a Winn-Dixie employee was fired for cross-dressing off-duty. Read all about it here. Some women will break up with a man for cross-dressing. Also, cross-dressing has a dark side all by itself; read about that here. A lot of the clothing so often worn by cross-dressers is slowly going out of style anyway; most girls I know just wear T-shirts and pants, with a skirt here and there.
Audrey Hepburn is quoted as saying, "The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows."
This applies to you, too.
But, if that's your thing, and you have the money, you can go to a cross-dressing school such as this one. You may or may not be able to pass as a woman (chances are you won't, because someone with even a few masculine features looks male to most people), but you'll at least feel better about yourself once you can be open about it with someone. According to the books, you can also learn to integrate what you learn into your male persona.
One alternative is what some call "gender-blending," which is wearing a few articles of women's clothing along with your regular male clothes. (However, if you're trying to get a job, avoid this until you're well-established in your career. Also, your religion may forbid such things.) You can wear your hair long and have it cut in a unisex style. You can find women's scarves, pins or other costume jewelry, and women's shirts (make sure the shirt fits you all right, though). You can find men's shirts in pretty colors and patterns, or if you can't, buy fabric in the pattern you like and hire someone to sew it into a man's shirt. If you wear a ponytail, you can find something more attractive than a rubber band to secure it. (In fact, you should, because rubber bands are very hard on hair.) You'll be surprised at how accepting people are. I had a professor who always wore brightly colored, outlandish suits (think of the movie Dumb & Dumber), and everyone just accepted it.
This is how he dressed.
However, at least one person will probably ask you why you're wearing what you're wearing. If this happens, have an answer prepared. A confident "I like the way it looks on me" will usually work. A humorous comeback will only anger the person, and if you don't feel good about yourself, some people might take that as a sign of weakness and start being rude. They might start being rude anyway; if so, either politely ask them to leave or politely excuse yourself.
The act of wearing more feminine clothing means you're not in hiding anymore. When you see that the desire to wear feminine clothing is not something you have to hide, you can feel better about yourself.
Them's The Conditions That Prevails
Even though you and I both know you're a woman inside, the world believes you're a man and will not be convinced otherwise. Sometimes you can't escape that, as much as you would like to. This is the "obey" part of "Obey, and then do as you please." But you can survive this. In anything, there are good parts and bad parts. Sometimes you will be allowed to be in "girl mode," and sometimes you will have to be in "boy mode."
One of the bad parts is being surrounded by men and being expected to know male culture. This is an unreasonable expectation, but it's an expectation you have to deal with. It helps to know a little about male culture. When you are in the presence of members of a foreign culture, it helps to know a bit about their culture. And sometimes you will find yourself in a group of men. Most likely, you're the only woman there and the only person who knows it; you feel like an impostor in a male body. Male culture being what it is, you could be laughed at for expressing an unmasculine opinion--or worse. If what they think of you isn't all that important, go ahead and be yourself.
However, sometimes it is important to blend in. Maybe you can't afford to be seen as unmasculine, or maybe it's just that anything too far out of the ordinary won't be accepted. If that is the case, think of yourself as a spy. You're fine as long as no one finds out who you are. While you're there, try to learn all you can about the culture; don't try to change it, no matter how much you may object to it. Remember: You are an anthropologist, not a missionary. If someone says something against women, don't protest. You don't have to join in, but if you say anything, all it will do is offend them. You will not be able to teach them anything. Their opinions about women will stay the same, and their opinion of you will go way down. I'm assuming this is not something you want. So, whatever they say, be polite. You can't go wrong with politeness.
Depending on the kind of company you find yourself in, someone may make a joke about you in what seems like an offensive manner. This is not rudeness. In their culture, it's considered a friendly gesture. Friends do this to each other. As long as it's said as a joke, you're fine. The same is true of light hitting; a punch on the shoulder, a slap on the back, etc., is a sign of affection. (Some women say men aren't subtle, but this implicit expression of affection indicates otherwise.) If someone does any of these things to you, do not get offended. If you do, they will not understand why. Instead, return the gesture in a manner that seems appropriate. If it's well-placed, you can earn respect. If they are clearly being hostile, let them know you aren't going to put up with comments like that. Then try to avoid whatever triggered the hostile comment. In fact, try to avoid the person who made the comment if you can.
I would suggest reading books intended for working women. Like you, they have to deal with men at their jobs; they have many of the same problems you do. In fact, I recommend books for women about how to deal with men. I have found these books immensely useful.
Then there's the fact that people don't really seem to get it when it comes to your situation. You'll probably hear comments from people, even people who love you and know about your situation, that assume that you're a man inside and out. You may wonder how they could say such things if they know. It actually doesn't enter their minds that you would be upset. You may have come out to them, but anyone who isn't in your situation can't fully understand it. At least 97% of the population, maybe even 99% or more, is happy being whatever gender they are. Remember, if you had a female body, you would be happy with the gender you would be assigned; that's what makes you transgendered. If it really bothers you, talk to someone about it--someone who will understand. If you can't find such a person, e-mail me. I'll listen.
The problems that come from being transgendered are not really solvable, because such a thing isn't really in most people's frame of reference. My advice: get used to it. As Jimmy Durante put it, "Them's the conditions that prevails."
The Dating Game
Courting, romantic relationships, marriage, and raising children all carry society's gender expectations more than any other endeavors, because they involve more than just one person. It takes two people to have a relationship (or more, if that's your thing, but you need at least two), and raising children requires sacrificing one's own needs for the good of the children. It's much more complicated than making friends.
Straight women, by definition, want someone who is male inside and out. The same is true of gay men. Lesbians and straight men are forbidden from dating biological males. So the only person who might be able to be in a relationship with you is a bisexual. Even then, keep in mind that romantic relationships often don't even work out for normal people. So if you never find love, there's no sense worrying about it.
Book Recommendations
I find it helpful to read books about people with a situation similar to mine. I always identify with them, noticing the little things they say, think, or do that are similar to me. Sometimes there's a line that helps me look at it in a new way.
If there are any more areas you wish to know about, please e-mail me and I'll add something here.