I came across this site a little while ago, and I have to say that it's been a revelation, it's almost like this site was made for me. I'm going to do a fair bit of typing here, please read on. :-)

I'm eighteen years old, and I've always felt confused about certain things, things that your site addresses. I have never spoken these things to others, not in person or in an email, so this is very personal to me.

One of my earliest memories - perhaps my earliest - involves me in a daycare centre, about four years old, scrambling through a suitcase full of old clothes for all us kids to play dress-up in. Of course, I dived for a pearl necklace, and I wrestled a pair of black high heel shoes from another girl. I put them on and walked around and I felt normal, I felt like me. My only other memory of daycare was being hit by an older boy, now that I think about it, those two scenes probably go together. :-(

Soon after that, Priscilla Queen of the Desert came out, and with it, a music video. I remember watching the music video, mesmerised, as a man put on lipstick and became a woman, and I wished that I could do the same thing and become a girl on the outside. I realise now that he movie was about a group of drag queens, but at that young age I really thought that that sort of thing could happen and I wanted it to happen to me.

My best friends at that age were girls; I just seemed to always get along with them better than I did with boys. I sometimes liked playing football and soccer with the boys, but also jump rope with other girls, and those silly little rhymes lol. This of course made me a good target for bullying... but more on that later. My father, who had missed a lot of my early childhood because of work commitments, was now realising that I wasn't "like the other boys" and he became more and more distanced from me, a distance that hasn't gotten any better as time has passed. However, my mother has always been more accepting of the fact that I was, and still am, “different”.

Sometimes, shopkeepers and other members of the public would address me as "young lady" by mistake, due to my pre-puberty feminine appearance, but to me it never felt like a mistake and I always felt a little bit happier afterwards. :)

I hit high school and hit puberty at the same time, and yes, I began to take notice of my sister's clothes, especially the ones I only got a look at when they were hanging on the clothesline drying. So when I was home alone one day, I decided to imitate that famous photo of Marilyn Monroe with her skirt blowing up. So I put on my sister's bra and stuffed it full of tissue paper, put on a dress of hers, applied some lipstick and rouge, and squeezed into a pair of her high heels. I stood in front of the pedestal fan, and the thrill lasted for all of three seconds. Well, maybe I looked good in the mirror. I tottered over to the mirror and saw not a Marilyn Monroe double, by a teenage boy with an overstuffed bra and a make up job that looked like a chimpanzee had been let loose with a paintball gun. Well that was a bust. I put everything back where I found it, and a few times since then I wore her lingerie when she was out, that has been about it for my CDing activities and haven't done it in ages, for some reason I have just never felt comfortable doing it because as soon as the clothes went on the thrill was gone.

Looking like an extra from the Rocky Horror Picture Show was the least of my worries, however. This was high school, and not being "like the other boys" put me up for a lot of bullying. Combine that with problems with my parents and there were some very dark thoughts running through my head, you can imagine what I was considering doing to myself. Three things saved me: the thought that things would change as I got older, a group of male friends who were as weird as me, and some interesting TV shows about women who had been born as males... I knew that I wasn’t the only one who felt different.

Well, I've done a lot of typing so far, and there's still a lot to go.

Things began to look up. The bullying petered out, my weird friends accepted me, I met a new group of girls who I became friends with (I even got an androgynous nickname, which I like far more than my masculine name) and my parents got me the internet, and a whole new world opened up, but it was a confusing world. Becoming a woman physically meant thousands of dollars for hormones and surgery, not to mention tearing myself away from my family and friends and starting my life all over again. It didn't seem like a good thing and the alternative - wearing campy wigs, tight dresses, lots of padding, make up, high heels, three-inch red fingernails and so on - didn't seem any better. Also, I’m only romantically attracted to other women and not men, which made matters even more confusing for me... not to mention the fact that I had zero success in dating. I stumbled through cyberspace, groping in the darkness, knowing that somewhere, out there, was the website that would help me be me.

And now I've found it.

This website has been a godsend, and has taught me that it doesn't matter what I'm like on the outside physically, as long as I know the truth of who I am inside, I'll be happy. I do not have to spend my weekends working on car engines (which I know nothing about) or pretending to be interested in power tools, or watching football, or anything else like that. My wardrobe is androgynous, just T-shirts, shorts and stonewashed jeans. Female enough so I can be me but male enough to not draw attention, a nice balance. I hate wearing suits or any other masculine clothing, I really feel uncomfortable, I do feel like a fake and I avoid it where possible.

This website has taught me to be happy in my own skin; I can keep my male and female friends and still feel good. Being female with a male body has it's perks; my female friends say I'm very understanding and caring, while my male friends admire how much beer I can drink and still stand vertical. :-)  I will never change myself hormones or surgery, thanks to the advice here on this site. I know, that's the third time I've said that in two paragraphs, but I cannot tell you enough how wonderful this site really is, and you have done a wonderful job with it.

I must admit that sometimes it hurts because, all things being equal, I would rather have a female body and be considered female than male. I have sometimes sat and dreamed of what it would feel like: my soft smooth skin, curves in all the right places; my long thick hair. But the changes required for that to occur would be enormous, and it’s not going to happen. I remember hearing from my female friends about the sleepovers they had back in high school where they gave each other makeovers, facials, did each others hair and watched chick flicks, and I always wanted to be there and experience it, and when I move into my own place (I'm still living with my parents) I'll see what I can do about this. I've sometimes wanted to go shopping with a group of my female friends, just to buy swimwear, shirts, jeans, skirts, lingerie and shoes, but in a male body that would look terrible lol. When I'm with a group of males that I do not know (i.e. outside of my small social circle) I feel like an actor playing part, except that no one has given me a script and its opening night at the theatre. I’ve always felt more comfortable around women (i.e. at the hairdresser), where we can just talk about general interest things. I once did a week of work experience in an all-female office and enjoyed it, I did another week in a male-dominated workshop and couldn't wait to leave. 

But these are minor things. My friends like me, my family (apart from my father) like me, and I like me. I do not have to dress up or take hormones to be a woman on the outside, because this is merely a physical change and I already feel like a woman on the inside and I do not have to tell this to anyone, only I have to know it. People who know me say I'm good company, why would I want change that? This site has shown me that change is, for me anyway, unnecessary.

Love and bruises

Gen

PS I would love a reply, even if it is only to say that you have read my email :-)

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