Bugs come in through open Windows

Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am

Do it tomorrow- you made enough mistakes today

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. What matters is whether I win or lose.

Women are more logical than men. Their minds are cleaner: they change them more often.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener

The problem is not to do things right but to find the right things to do

I said 'perhaps'and that is final!

We had a girl to stay; her name was Viginia. We called her Virgin for short, but not for long.

A man is not complete until he is married -then he is finished.

If you cross a chicken with a zebra you get a four legged dinner with a barcode.

You can't have everything... where would you put it?
A rich person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least.
A poor person isn't he who has little, but he who needs a lot. (German proverb)
The Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. Love isn't love till you give it away.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't

Veni, vidi, visa - I came, I saw, I shopped

One day as I sat musing, sad and lonely and without a friend, a voice came to me from out of the gloom , saying: 'Cheer up, things could be worse'. So I cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse.

A journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step. (ancient Egyptian proverb)
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

to borrow a button from a bobby is a thousand times better than tomorrow mutton from a mommy

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.

It's not how old you are, but how you are old.

Your problem is never really your problem, your reaction to your problem is your problem. (Brian Kinsey)

When you ASSUME, you make an ASS out of U and ME.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression

You can't step in the same river twice.

Nothing succeeds like failure; nothing fails like success.

If you ever find the perfect Church, don't go there, or you'll ruin it.

You can lead your daughter (or son) to Horace, but you can't make her (him) think.

While men talk of killing time, slowly time kills men.

Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I can teach my dog any trick he wants to do!

Anyone who thinks that he is too small to make a difference, has never been in bed with a mosquito.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always behind you.

I'd rather lose a second in my life, than my life in a second.

Why is it, when a door is open it is ajar, but when a jar is open it is not adore?

Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.

You may not be able to turn back the clock; but you can always wind it up again.

Oscar was wild but Robert and Thornton were even wilder

A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)

Living a healthy life is the slowest way of dying

It is not unusual to call people after what they eat. You call the Germans Krauts and the Americans fat.

I'm a poet and didn't know it.

I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army

When the symphony was finished we rushed to the door
And boy! we felt stupid when there was coming some more!

Insanity is hereditary.You get it from your kids.

In England you ask for the bill and pay with a cheque and in America you ask for the check and pay with a bill. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana.

I never spit in your drink; why do you smoke in my air?

I asked her how she always seemed to know the answer, and she said she had a personal teacher inside her head. "I see," I said, "you've got in-tuition."

Priests who think themselves good at their job have an altar ego.

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.

The brighter the light, the stronger the shadow.

People want to change, but don't want to be changed.

Life imitates television more than TV imitates life (adapted from Oscar Wilde)

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

It's God's responsibilty to forgive Bin Laden...It's OUR responsibilty to arrange the meeting!

A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you want?

Do whatever you like, but like whatever you do!

You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

After shaking hands with a Greek, count your fingers (Albanian proverb)

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober that one night...

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Review of a play: The play opened at 8.40 sharp and closed at 10.40 dull.

review of the musical Godspell: For those who missed it the first time, this is your golden opportunity : you can miss it again.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how one pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
Now I finally got my head together my body falls apart.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere-and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

The Weather is Here... Wish You Were Beautiful...

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Nobody is consistent consistently.

I think I have an incredible level of credibility.

Failing to prepare is preparing to fail

"I'm not an adult - I'm a mature-age child." (Bill Collins, 2003)

At 20 you think you can save the world; at 40 you're delighted if you can save a small part of your salary.
(Daniel Worona http://danworona.50megs.com/ )

Michael Billington in the Guardian when the musical 'Godspell' returned in the theatre:
"For those who missed it the first time, this is your golden opportunity: you can miss it again."

a moslim woman should know her place,
a western woman is emancipated

A homeless person stopped a rich man on the street. The homeless person said, "I haven’t eaten in seven days." The rich man frowned and said, "Why should I care?" The homeless person said, "Because that makes one weak."

Three brothers bought a ranch in Texas and planned to raise cattle. They couldn’t think of a name for their ranch so they asked their mother, who said, "You should name it ‘Focus.’" The brothers were puzzled. "Why?" they asked. "Because," said their mother, "‘Focus’ is where the sun’s rays meet." (Note: this joke is famous because it is a triple pun!) In physics, a focus is the point at which rays of light come together or meet. The mother’s sentence also sounds like, "Focus is the place where the sons raise meat."

Then there was the scientist who disconnected his doorbell. He wanted to win the Nobel Prize. "Nobel" sounds like "no bell."

The principal called the young cross-eyed teacher into his office. "I’m sorry to say, Ms. Jones, we’re going to have to let you go." "But why, sir? I thought I was doing a good job." "It’s simple," said the principal, "you can’t control your pupils."

When gambling became legal in the city, everyone agreed that the city was now a bettor place.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went out to eat at a German restaurant. After the appetizer, Mr. Smith said to his wife, "That tasted awful." His wife said, "Yes, I know. And the wurst is yet to come."

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What did they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of...an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"