Specialist and Manager
A specialist is a person who knows a lot about little and goes on knowing more and more about less and less until finally he knows everything about nothing.

A manager on the other hand, is a person who knows little about a lot and goes on knowing less and less about more and more until finally he knows nothing about everything .

Heaven
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French,
the mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and it is all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss,
the police German, and it is all organised by the Italians.

Forbidden
In England everything is permitted except what is prohibited
In Germany everything is prohibited except what is permitted
In Iran everything is forbidden, except what is permitted and that is obligatory
In Iraq everything is prohibited even what is permitted
In the Netherlands everything is permitted even what is prohibited

definitions
Disney Land: A people trap operated by a mouse.
Economy: Going without something you want in case you should want something you probably don't want.
Hen: Egg's way of making another egg.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor so that you can die rich.
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good but absence of body is better.
Adolescents: Children old enough to dress by themselves if they could just remember where they last saw their clothes.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
Alarm clock: A device used to wake up people who don't have small children.
Automobile: A four wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Bagpipes: An octopus wearing a kilt.
Bargain: A transaction in which each party thinks he has outwitted the other.
Bore: 1. Somebody who when you ask how he is, tells you. 2. A person whose life is an open book... that you don't want to read. 3. A person who wants to talk about himself when you want to talk about yourself. 4. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chatterbox: Generally speaking, she's generally speaking.
Children: Most expensive form of entertainment.
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other and a bit of tobacco in between.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Collaboration: The process whereby two people create something that each thinks his own.
Compromise: 1. An arrangement where by people who can't get what they want make sure nobody else does either. 2. It is the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
Conquest: Prisoners in search of an escape route.
Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Copyright: What takes away the right to copy.
Dentist: A magician who puts metal in your mouth and pulls out coins from your purse.
Dictatorship: A form of government under which everything which is not prohibited is compulsory.
Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Diet: A plan for putting off tomorrow what you put on today.
Diplomat: A person who thinks twice before saying nothing.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Earth: A minor planet with major problems.
etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Etiquette: Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.
Experience: 1. The marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 2. That which causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Fame: When you dominate the conversation and you're not there.
Fashion: Something that is in one year and out the other.
Feedback: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Fine: A tax for doing wrong / Tax: A fine for doing well.
Flattery: The art of telling a person exactly what he thinks of himself.
Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Genius: One percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
Gentleman: A man who holds the door open while his wife carries in the groceries.
Gossip: When you hear something you like about someone you don't.
Income-tax time: When you test your powers of deduction.
Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.
Key Chain: A device that allows you to lose all your keys at the same time.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mother: Someone who thinks girls who go after her son are brazen and the ones who don't are stupid.
Mother-in-law: A person who sometimes goes too far when she stays too close.
*Neurotic: Builds castles in the air.
*Psychotic: Goes and lives in the castle.
*Psychiatrist : Collects rent of that castle.
Nouvelle Cuisine: From the French meaning "I can't believe I paid $95 and I'm still hungry!"
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
*Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." *Optimist: Thinks the glass is half full / Pessimist: Thinks the glass is half empty.
*Pessimist: One who builds dungeons in the air/One who sees the rainbow only in black and white.
Patience: The virtue most needed just when we run out of it.
*Physician: Knows everything but does nothing.
*Surgeon: Knows nothing but does everything.
*Pathologist: Knows everything and does everthing, but a little late (post mortem).
*Psychiatrist: Knows nothing and does nothing.
Politician: A person with nothing on his mind and the power to express it.
Politician: 1. One who fills the air with speeches and vice-versa. 2. One when he comes to a fork in the road goes both ways. 3. Someone who can stand on a fence and make people believe it's a platform. 4. Someone who can borrow $20, pay back $10 and declare you're even because you both lost $10. 7. One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Possibly: No in three syllables.
*Pride: It's what we have. *Vanity: It's what others have.
*Professor: 1. One who talks in someone else's sleep. *Psychotic: thinks 2 and 2 equals 5. *Neurotic: knows 2 and 2 equals 4, but it really bothers him.
Puberty: Period of life in which kids stop asking questions and start questioning the answers.
Recession: It takes the wind out of your sales.
Sharp tongue: The only edged tool that grows keener with constant use.
Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you thro' all the troubles you wouldn't have had, if you had stayed single.
Time: 1. Subtle thief of youth. 2. That which keeps everything from happening at once.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
Tourist: One who travels to see things that are different and then complains when they aren't the same.
Weed: A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.

A sad story about Nobody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did, what Anybody could have done.

The Duel
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott.
Nott was shot and Shott was not.
In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some said that Nott was not shot.
But Shott says that he shot Nott.
It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott,
or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself.
We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.
Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

Telephone conversation
Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you please?
Watt.
What's your name?
Watt's my name.
Yes, what's your name?
My name is John Watt.
John Watt?
Yes.
?? I'll call on you this afternoon.
All right, are you Jones?
No, I'm Knott.
Will you tell me your name then?
Will Knott.
Why not?
My name is Knott.
Not what?
Not Watt, Knott.
What?

Rules for Writers

IMPORTANT TIPS FOR WRITERS AND EDITORS TO WRITE GOOD:

1. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times -- Resist hyperboles; not one writer in aa million can use it correctly.
   
2. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
   Puns are for children, not groan readers.
   Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors
   Who needs rhetorical questions?
   Do not put statements in the negative form
   
3. A writer must not shift your point of view
   
4. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
   
5. The adverb always follows the verb.
   
6. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing
   
7. Use the rite homonym
   
8. Proofread carefully to see if you any word out.
   
9. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
   
10. Always pick on the correct idiom.
    
11. One should NEVER generalize.
    
12. Don't use no double negatives
    
13. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    
14. One word sentences? Eliminate.
    
15. Eliminate commas, that are not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas
    
16. DO NOT USE EXCLAMATION MARKS AND ALL CAPS TO EMPHASIZE!!!!!!!!
    
17. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them
    
18. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
    
19. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know".
    
20. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
    
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    
22. Comparisons are as bad as cliches
    
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
    
24. Don't abbrev.
    
25. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
    
26. About sentence fragments.
    
27. When dangling, don't use participles.
    
28. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
    
29. Just between you and I, case is important.
    
30. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
    
31. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
    
32. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
    
33. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
    
34. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
    
35. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
    
36. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
    
37. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
    
38. Use commas to keep a string of items apart in letters compositions reports and things like that.
    
39. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
    
40. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
    
41. Stamp out, abolish, eliminate and avoid unnecessary redundancy, also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
    So do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
42. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
    
43. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
    
44. Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
    
45. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    
46. Your a good writer if you're contractions are correctly used.
    
47. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
    
48. Employ the vernacular.
    
49. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    
50. Profanity sucks.
    
51. Be more or less specific.
    
52. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
    
53. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    
54. The passive voice is to be avoided.
    
55. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    
56. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
    Never end a sentence with with! If you have something better to end it with.
    (Churchill made fun of this construction: It's something up with I cannot put; What did you bring me that book to be read to out of for!)

    Actual Rules for Teachers (circa 1915)
    1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
    2. You are not to keep company with men.
    3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
    4. Your dresses must be not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
    5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the (school) board.
    6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
    7. You may not dress in bright colors.
    8. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
    9. You must wear at least two petticoats.
    10. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores
    
    Dependence Day
    

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football . You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls, for it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any "merde". The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Thank you for your cooperation.

Lawsuits in the United States
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates:
1.Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
2.A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.
3.Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4.Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5.A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6.Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7.This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinsk purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly,the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned . Mr.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis ofthis suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
8. An old lady tried to dry her poodle in her newly-bought microwave, as she was used to doing in her previous electric oven. She saw the poor animal explode before her very eyes and successfully sued the maker, because the manual didn't say that the microwave was unsuited for drying poodles
9. A burglar who fell through a skylight sued the owners of the house for not putting a danger sign on the flat roof
10. 14-year-old American girl sues McDonalds. She blames McDonalds for her weight of 180 kilos. She has had her meals there every day for three years.(23rd November 2002)

Detroit, Oregon - A hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

Redondo Beach, California - After a short chase, officer Joseph Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole lying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

Australia - The Australian Police Journal reported that an elderly woman had already used about half of the powder in a custard packet when she discovered an object that appeared to be a large dead cockroach. However, when she brought it to the Health Department, food analysts determined it to be a dried-up human finger. The following investigation revealed that a factory worker had lost two fingers in a machine with rotating blades. One finger had been found. The other had made its way into the custard packet the woman had bought.

Pochatello, Idaho - In February, 1997 a 46-year-old female elementary school principal was charged with misdemeanor trespass, based on photographs taken by former police dispatcher Richard Clothier. Clothier had taken the pictures in order to find out who had been running onto his property since September, defecating in his front yard on Sundays. In a pre-trial conference the woman admitted in front of several witnesses that she had indeed defecated 21 times on Clothier's lawn, as well as about 5 times on the lawns of his neighbors.

Edmonton, Alberta - The driver of an armored truck appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. Six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, which had been swerving left and right. As it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

Sacramento, California - An elderly gentleman walked into a police station and reported that he thought he had robbed a Wells Fargo Bank a few days earlier. The police officers didn't take his confession too seriously because he was very old, suffered from obvious physical ailments, carried a white hospital bag, and admitted that he wanted to go back into Kaiser Hospital's psychiatric ward. He also couldn't remember the exact day, time, location of the bank, or the nearest cross street. However, after an intensive interrogation, FBI agents found out that the senior citizen had indeed robbed the bank and was responsible for three other bank robberies.

Antioch, California - A 22-year-old man was arrested after allegedly ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint.

San Francisco, California - Dan White, a city supervisor, killed Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk, another supervisor. White's lawyers said that eating a Twinkie had made his blood sugar level rise so high, it caused his psychotic episode. this resulted in the charges against White being dropped from murder one to involuntary manslaughter.

Weird Sex Laws - Jun 21, 2002

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.<BR>

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
a programme was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

The New York Herald of 26th November 1911 reported that three men were hanged in London for murdering Sir Edmundbury at Greenberry Hill. Their names? Green, Berry en Hill!