The most famous of all limericks:
There was a young lady from Riga,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

----------------

She frowned and called him Mr.
Because in sport he kr.
And so in spite
That very nite
This Mr. kr. sr.

There was an old man from Tarentum
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em.
When they asked him the cost
Of what he had lost
He replied, "I can't say; I just rent 'em."

There was an old man from Darjeeling
Who travelled from London to Ealing.
It said on the door
'Please don't spit on the floor'
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.

There was a young man of South Bay,
Making fireworks one summer day.
He dropped his cigar
In the gunpowder jar...
There was a young man of South Bay

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

There was an old lady of Rye
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household's disgust
She emerged through the crust
And exclaimed with a yawn, "Where am I?"

There was a young person from Perth
Who was born on the day of his birth.
He was married, they say,
On his wife's wedding day,
And died when he quitted this earth

There was a young man from Laconia
Whose mother-in-law had pneumonia
He hoped for the worst
and after March first,
They buried beneath a begonia.

A fly and a flea in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
"Let us fly!", said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

There was an old man of Blackheath,
Who sat on his set of false teeth;
Said he, witha start,
'O Lord, bless my heart!
I've bitten myself underneath!'

There was a young man named Ned,
Who, just before going to bed,
Ate very much
Of a cheese that was Dutch -
And when he woke up, he was dead!

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so exceedingly thin,
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw, and fell in

There was a young lady called Bright
Who could travel far faster than light
She set off one day
in a relative way
and returned home the previous night

"I'm glad pigs can't fly", said young Sellers
(He's one of those worrying fellers)
"For if they could fly
They'd shit in the sky
And we'd all have to carry umbrellas."

There was a young man of Ostend
Who vowed he'd hold out to the end;
But when halfway over
From Calais to Dover,
He done what he didn't intend.

There was a young man of Typhoo
Who wanted to catch the 2:02
Said the trainman: "Don't hurry
Or worry or flurry -
It's a minute or two to 2:02."

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot;
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?

A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.
"But", he said, "I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee"

There was a young person named Tate,
Who went out to dine at 8:08;
But I will not relate
What that person named Tate
And his tete-a-tete ate at 8:08.

"There's a train at 4:04", said Miss Jenny.
"Four tickets I'll take; have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many."

The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent;
Her thanks were so cold
They quarrelled, I'm told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent

One day I went out to the Zoo,
For I "wanted to see the old Gnu.
But the old Gnu was dead,
And the new Gnu, they said,
Surely knew as a Gnu he was new.

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the fall
'Twould have been a bad thing
If he'd died in the spring,
But he didn't - he died in the fall.

There was a young girl of West Ham,
Who hastily jumped on a tram.
When she had embarked,
The conductor remarked,
"Your fare." "Well, they do say I am."

Dad waited while Mum bought the ham,
But when she came out she said, "Sam,
That one's not our baby!"
He answered, "Well maybe,
but look! It's a much nicer pram."

I once knew a spinster of Staines
And a spinster that lady remains;
She's no figure, no looks,
Neither dances nor cooks-
And most ghasly of all, she has brains.

A right-handed fellow named Wright
In writing "write" always wrote "rite"
Where he meant to write right.
If he'd written "write" right,
Wright would not have wrought rot writing "rite."

There was an old man named McGuire,
Lost his footing and fell in the mire.
Said a bland passer-by,
"Cheer up, never say die!"
"But I must", he replied, "I'm a dyer!"

A cheerful old bear at the Zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him, you know,
To walk to and fro,
He reversed it, and walked fro and to.

There was a young lady from Twilling
Who went to her dentist for a filling.
This man in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity
Now he has to take care of another filling.

There was a man from Champs Elyses
Who had balls of different sizes
In fact one was so small
It was no ball at all
But the other won several prizes

A guy who was living at Cape Horn
Wished that he had never been born;
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn
(sent by Lieuwe Reitsma)

A girl who weighs many an oz.
Used language I will not pronoz.
For a fellow unkind,
Pulled her chair out behind,
He wanted to see if she'd boz.

There once was a handsome young Mr.
Who met a young woman and Kr.
She had a disease
But instead of a sneeze
His top lip developed a Blr.

the Vegetarian's Poem
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you.
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe
Lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.

an old British musical hall song goes:
"What noise annoys an oyster?
Oh tell me, tell me do.
What noise annoys an oyster
And gets him in a stew?
Of all the noisy noises
Along the sea and coast,
I tell ya boys, a noisy noise
Annoys an oyster most!"
(submitted by Jan Claire, janc@sti.net, www.janclaire.com)

Sir, I admit your general rule
that every poet is a fool,
but you, yourself, may serve to show it
that every fool is not a poet.

I am a sagitarian,
crossover of man and horse.
So I must be a stallion.
That's why my voice is so hoarse.

In the summer of 69
we couldn't stop drinking French wine.
We couldn't stop making French love
in the summer of 69.

The teacher was arrested
because in a practical way
he tried to explain to a student
the difference between a lie and a lay.
(Geert Kruiderens)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
God made me pretty
But what happened to you ??

I love my little brown cow
that gives me milk and cheese.
I'm in a nursery now
with foot and mouth disease.
(submitted by Tony Randall)