Epitaphs
Lord, she is Thin
(final E was inadvertently omitted by the carver)
Here Holy Willie's sair-worn clay
Taks up its last abode;
His saul has ta'n some other way -
I fear the left-hand road.
(Robert Burns)
Here lies that peerless paper Lord Peter,
Who broke the laws of God and man and metre
(Sir Walter Scott on Patrick (Peter) Lord Robertson)
Here Einstein lies
At least, they laid his bier
Just hereabouts-
Or relatively near
(Kensal Green on Albert Einstein)
Here lies my wife,
Here lies she;
Hallelujah!
Hallelujee!
(Leeds graveyard)
Here lies the mother of children seven
Four on earth and three in heaven;
The three in heaven preferring rather
To die with mother than live with father.
( Birmingham graveyard)
Against his will
Here lies George Hill,
Who from a cliff
Fell down quite stiff.
When it happen'd is not known,
Therefore not mentioned on this stone.
(St. Peter's Churchyard, Isle of Thanet)
There lies beneath this mossy stone
A politician who
Touched a live issue without gloves
And never did come to
(Keith Preston)
Here richly, with ridiculous display,
The Politician's corpse was laid away.
While all of his acquaintance sneered and slanged,
I wept: for I had longed to see him hanged.
(Hillaire Belloc)
Here lies all that remains of Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For sixteen years she kept her virginity,
A marvellous thing for this vicinity.
(Wellan, Ont.)
A zealous locksmith died of late,
And did arrive at Heaven's gate.
He stood without, and would not knock,
Because he meant to pick the lock
(Camden's Remains 1623)
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Here lies my wife; here let her lie
Now she's at rest, and so am I
(John Dryden)
He who lied all his life
Now lies here
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lies the bones of Castlereagh:
Stop traveller, --- ----
(Lord Byron)
(the reader is requested to supply the missing rhyme himself)
Here lies the body of John Eldred.
At least he will be here when he is dead;
But now at this time he is alive
The 14th August, Sixty Five
(John Eldred; Oxfordshire churchyard 1765)
It is so soon that I am done for,
I wonder what I was begun for
(child's grave, Cheltenham )
Here lies John Tyrwitt
A learned divine;
He died in a fit
Through drinking port wine
Died 3rd April, 1828, aged 59
( Malta 1828)
I laid my wife
Beneath this stone,
For her repose
And for my own
(Ottawa graveyard)
The poet's fate is here in emblem shown.-
He ask'd for bread, and receiv'd a stone
(Samuel Wesley on Samuel Butler)
Here lies
Henry William, twenty-second Lord ------,
In Joyful expectation of the last trump.
(Lord Alvanly on a noble lord who had been expelled from society for cheating at whist)
Here lie I, Martin Elginbrodde.
Ha' mercy o' my soul, Lord Godde,
As I would do were I Lord Godde
And thou wert Martin Elginbrodde
Here lies Milosevic ... as usual
Rest in Peace till we meet again
Stranger, tread
This ground with gravity:
Dentist Brown is filling
His last cavity.
Here lies my poor wife,
Without bed or blankit,
But dead as a door-nail,
God be thankit.
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The Mother Of All Fillings found! Move the mouse over this button!
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WANTED:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.
(advertisement in the London Times)
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read without the word dog.
signs
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On another butcher's shop (Burlington, VT): "You can't beat our meat."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
in an office: Do it tomorrow - you made enough mistakes today
on front door: The opinions expressed by the husband in this house are not necessarily those of the management
I am the boss in this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
in a pub: In God we trust - all others pay cash
Seen on a car: TOP LEASE To Please you
Railwaystation in India:
Slow has four letters, so has life
Speed had five letters, so has death
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
ON A MOTORWAY GARAGE: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps.
Your life may not be worth much, but our petrol is.
FIELD: The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On a milkman's cart: YOU MAY WHIP OUR CREAM, BUT YOU CAN'T BEAT IT
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
in a restaurant in England:
Guys: No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge
“PLEASE DO NOT ANNOY, TORMENT, PESTER, PLAGUE, MOLEST, WORRY, BADGER, HARRY, HARASS, HECKLE, PERSECUTE, IRK, BULLYRAG,
VEX, DISQUIET, GRATE, BESET, BOTHER, TEASE, NETTLE, TANTALIZE, OR RUFFLE THE ANIMALS”
[Sign in the San Diego Zoo Wild Animal Park. Submitted by Lillian Mermin Feinsilver, Easton, Pennsylvania.]
A billboard next to the highway Johannesburg International Airport.
a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down.
The caption reads:
"Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!"
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO: Out for lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents' expense."
In an English pub: In God we trust - all others pay cash
I shoot every 10th trespasser & the 9th one just left.
Seen at the gate of a swimming pool of a campsite in Australia:
Welcome to our swimming ool.
You noticed there is no p in it and we'd like to keep it that way.
In garage: Always remember to start brain before putting mouth in gear!
You need not be crazy to work for this company, but it helps if you are.
In New York supermarket: Cake your mother made: $5; Cake you think your mother made: $ 10
in a canteen of a cannery: We eat what we can and we can what we can't
Dating
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man : "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman : "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species..
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it
against me?
- You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend.
- Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
- Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn'tt mean much when you have a weak heart.
- Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come heere often?
- I'd marry your cat just to get in the ffamily.
- He:"You look like my third wife".
She: "Oh, how many times have you been married?"
He: "Twice".
- Is that your boyfriend? I think you cann do better than that!
- I wonder what our children will look liike.
- Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cakee together?
- Does my breath smell okay?
- If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.
- Are you free tonight or will it cost mee?
- Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouuth, quick!
[Look at her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?",
say: "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
- Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
- All those curves, and me with no brakess.
- I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
- (Wait till the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and
alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, ) come on, we're leaving.
Woman, wanting to get rid of her date: "Your breasts are bigger than mine".
Adult Dating
To prove you are an adult, answer the following question to be able to enter:
What's the name of the girl who found the secret door to Wonderland?
(Warning! Some of the mating may shock sensitive readers)
"Do I look fat?"
Right answer: "No, of course not." (After saying, quickly leave the room.)
Wrong answer: "Compared to what?" or "I've seen fatter."
The pedicurist was 'de-feat-ed' and Superman was 'dis-man-tled'.
John McEnroe has lots of nicknames:
Big Mac, (suggestie van Big Mouth) Rude Dude, Superbrat,
Mac the Mouth,(referring to Mac the Knife) the Incredible Sulk, (the Incredible Hulk)
King Sneer (King Lear), The Merchant of Menace (The Merchant of Venice)
The Italian who went to Malta
(Must be read with an Italian accent)