Telling Tales from School
Howlers in Education

compiled from student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.

Bible
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen Chapels. The first five books of the Bible are Guinessis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother’s son?"

Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshach, and To Bed We Go, and then Salome, who was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced before Harrods.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot was warned to take his wife and flea out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.

Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat 12 partridges. Abraham took Isaac up Mount Montezuma to be circumcised. The brother of Jacob was called Seesaw. Jacob stole his brother’s birth mark. Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Moses was an Egyptian who lived in a bark made of bullrushes. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is: 'Thou shalt not admit adultery' The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.

The Israelites made a golden calf because they didn't have enough gold to make a cow.
Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. David wrote psalms. They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the harmonica. David also fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. (or 200 wives and 700 cucumbers)
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Finkelsteins with the axe of the apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.

Jesus' parents were Virg and Mary. I forget which virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin. When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. The German shepherds came to see Jesus. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager wrapped in waddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He wrote the "B" Attitudes and explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary under Pontius the Pilot. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.
The Christians who were condemned to death entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise.

of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the Christians die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, "The meek shall inherit the earth."

History of the World
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Egyptians worshipped Onassis. They raped mummies in bandages. Rosetta Stone was their first Queen. Their women wore a calasiris, a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, who invented three kinds of columns-Corinthian, Dorc, and Ironic. They built the Apocalypse. In the Olympic games the Greeks hurled the biscuits and threw the java. When they fought with the Persians they were outnumbered, because the Persians had more men.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name who lived in ancient inquity.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline. Sophocles wrote Oedipus Wrecks. Oedipus condoms himself.
Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long. In 50 BC Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. Caesar is murdered by the Ides of March because they thought he was going to be made King. His dying words were "And you too-you brute!" and these immortal words: "Veni, vidi, vici". Brutus was an ego testicle man and a tragic hero despite dying at the end.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. They took two baths in two days and that is the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by the ballbearings.

Today Rome is full of fallen arches.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troups before the Battle of Hastings, in which the Angels and the Saxons were defeated by the Mormans.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the blue-bonnet plague crew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
"In midevil times people lived in mud huts with rough mating on the floor." Life was especially difficult for the pheasants. During this time people put on morality plays about goblins virgins and other mythical creatures. A popular form of entertainment were the menstrual shows. In the dark ages the theaters were closed because there was no light to be able to watch a play at night.

Another story was about Wilhelm Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He ate a diet of worms and died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.

It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

My favorite character in history is Henry VIII because he had eight wives and killed them all. He lived in a Two Door castle. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. The head of the church fell into the hands of the King. He made Wolsey a cardigan. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

"Queen Elizabeth was a virgin and a queen. As a queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "Hurrah!" Although this is rather difficult to believe, bearing in mind that: "Queen Elizabeth found it difficult to formulate policy with the ghost of Mary Queen of Scots hoovering in the background." The death of Queen Elizabeth I ended an error

They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer.

The French revolution took place because Louis XIV was revolting. The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Unfortunately Marie Ann Twinette was beheaded. After she died, she had very little chance to continue her career. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called 'Candy.' The philosopher Day Cart said: "I think, therefore I am".

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph and the indecent lamp. Andrew carnegie started the steal business. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur invented a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. He did his research at the Sore Buns Institute in France. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The leader of the Bolsheviks was John Lennon.

During the first twenty years of the century there was much suffrage from women.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. During the early part of World War I President Woodrow Wilson urged the people to stay in neutral. Then he had many foreign affairs, and America entered the War. The unfortunate soldiers spent day after day up to their wastes in filth. World War I made the people so sad that it brought on the Great Depression. Then the New Deal tried to make sure that the stock market will never happen again.
Charles Lindberg was the first man to ever cross the Atlantic alone. He wanted to go by regular airlines but he couldn't afford to buy a ticket. In 1854: "Florence Nightingale never got any sleep for three years because she was continually being needed by the soldiers."

In nineteenth century Russia the pheasants led horrible lives
World War II happened when Hitler and the Knotsies had erotic dreams of conquest all over Europe. Hitler called himself Der Furor but his real name was Messer Smith. In Hitler's Germany a huge anti-semantic movement arose. Franklin Roosevelt went over there and put a stop to him. Hitler committed suicide in his bunk. We dropped the atomic bomb on Kamikazi and three days later on Nicaragua and World War II ended on VD Day.

history The Japanese finally copulated to end World War II.

Martin Luther had a dream. He went to Washington and recited his Sermon on the Monument. Later, he nailed 96 Protestants in the Watergate Scandal.

They fought a civil war in Serbia because the Bostonians, Crates, and Hertzgodivas wanted to get rid of the Serves.

USA
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. Little did he know that he had just begun history! His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Columbus knelt, thanked God, and put the American flag in the ground. Tarzan is a short name for the American flag. Its full name is Tarzan Stripes.
The French settlement in North America consisted of a series of military fornications up and down the Ohio River. Later, Jamestown was discovered by James the One and named after him. King James persuaded the Queen to give him the land and he sent a gang of settlers over here in 1607. The Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as the Pill's Grim Progress. America was founded by four fathers. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for this.

One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Decoration of Intendance, which says that all men are cremated equal and are well endowed by their creator.

Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand!" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. He was a very social man. He had big balls, and everyone enjoyed them. His farewell address was Mount Vernon. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.

Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. Lincoln debated John Kennedy in 1960. Kennedy won because he looked better than Lincoln, who looked thin and emancipated. He also had pallor due to his assassination. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. At first his wife didn't take notice of him; she thought he had just snoozed off, as usual. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

In the middle of the eighteenth century all the morons moved to Utah.

During his term of office, Woodrow Wilson had many foreign affairs

William Henry Harrison did not wear a coat and hat when he was sworn in as president and soon died of ammonia.

Franklin D. Roosevelt was crippled by Polyhole.

literature
Shakespeare
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. His father was Mr. Shakespeareand his mother was Mrs. Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays and sonics which he wrote during the era in which he lived. He wrote tragedies, hysterectomies, comedies and errors, all in Islamic pentameter..
Shakespeare couldn't have a favourite actress. They didn't have women during Shakespeare's time.

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo and Juliet tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney scene.
In the play, Lord Capulet sends out a servant to invite the guests. The servant couldn't read because he was illegitimate. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. They had met at a massacred ball.
In another play Macbeth was from his mother's womb untamely ripped. King Duncan wires Macbeth that he will be spending the night at his castle. During the banquet scene, Lady Macbeth was afraid that her husband would expose himself in front of the guests. She tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood. He kills the king on page 14. Macbeth and Lady Macbeth then suffer from quilt. They have so much quilt they can't sleep at night.

Hamlet had an edible complex. Hamlet relieves himself in a long soliloquy. A soliloquy is a conversation between one person. In Act V Hamlet talks about a skull. Act V comes right after Act IV.

Actually Shakespeare wasn't written by Shakespeare but by another man named Shakespeare.

In The Merchant of Venice, the Rialto is the business part of Venus.
literature in general
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Zola wrote J'acuzzi', Hemingway 'For whom the Belt Holds', Steinbeck 'Of My Cement' and Salinger 'Catch Her in the Rye'

Poe was kicked out of West Point for gamboling.

Poe's romance with Mrs. Stanard was purely plutonic.

Thomas Gray wrote the Alergy in a Country Churchyard.

The Scarlet Letter griped me intensely.

Whitman wrote much illiteration and compacked verse. He often wrote long and rumbling lines.

This book belongs in the anals of English literature.

Charles Dickens left his wife after she had bored him with ten children

Mr Murdstone treated David Copperfield's mother like a very terranical mail shovenist

Longfellow was born in Portland, Maine, while his parents were traveling around

The ghost of Bob Marley visited Ebenezer Scrooge

Edgar Allan Poe had several additions, one of them was alcohol. Poe was kicked out of West Point for gamboling. He married a little girl but he was impudent, so they never had children. He was born in Boston in 1809 and was found unconscious. Three days later he died, in 1849.

In the Mayor of Casterbridge, when Henchard sold his wife to another man, their marital relationship was not healthy

In 1957 Eugene O'Neill won a Pullet Surprise

In the children's classic "The Swiss Family Robinson" a large boa constrictor devours the family's donkey.
One of the seventh-graders describes the incident: "The snake crept up, opened its jaw wide, and swallowed the ass whole."

The two kinds of books printed are friction and non-friction.

This is the best book I never read.

Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn't reach the right side of the page.

A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.

Chaucer was the father of English pottery .

Rambo was a French poet.

A great Jewish leader in Scotland was Rabbi Bums.
In Drums Along the Mohawk, while fleeing an Indian attack, the heroine hurriedly stuffed her enormous hams into a seat in the wagon.
I like the story The Last of the Moccasins.
Madame Bovary's problem was that she couldn't make love in the concrete.
In The Scarlet Letter, Rester Prynne had to stand up and show the scarlet letter to the community , which was clinging to her breast.
Captain Ahab was abscessed by a White Whale in Herman Melville's The Great White Dick.
Jake Barnes, in The Sun Also Rises, was injured in the groin region, and was impudent for the rest of his life.

The theme of The Catcher in the Rye is that Holden Caulfield leaves the world of childhood and enters the world of adultery .

Charles Dickens's A Sale of Two Titties.

on U.S. politics
* Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.
* It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.
* Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.
* The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.
* Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
* The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.
* In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.
* Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.
* The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.
* One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people.
* Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.
* An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.
* The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
* When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.
* Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.
* A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
* The process of putting a president on trial is known as impalement.

* Senators are chosen as committee chairmen on the basis of senility.

music
John Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven wrote three symphonies: the Third, the Fifth, and the Ninth. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he would be celebrating the 165th anniversary of his death?

Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.

Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
Caruso was the first Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

The principle singer of 19th-century opera was called pre-Madonna.

At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

Rock Mananoff was a famous post-Romantic composer of piano concerti.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

In defining musical terms, they also demonstrate that they know their brass from their oboe

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. If they sing without music, it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Diatonic is a low-calorie Schwepps.
An oboe is an American tramp. (written by a British student)
A Stradivarius is a prehistoric animal.
They performed without musical accomplishment.

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

Students sing a different tune and play it by ear when they write about the famous composers, even those who never existed
My favorite composer is opus.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

A harp is a nude piano.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called?
Answer: Kettle drums.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.

can't reach the brakes on this piano!
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

mondegreens
A mondegreen is a mishearing of oft-used words, resulting in a misinterpretation of the lyrics of songs and hymns and the contents of prayers, and the like.
The word mondegreen was coined by Sylvia Wright. She had heard a Scottish folk ballad, "The Bonny Earl of Murray" with the lyric "Oh, they have slain the Earl of Murray/And Lady Mondegreen."
In 1954 she learned that the last two lines of the stanza were really "Oh, they have slain the Earl of Murray/And laid him on the green."

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

As an encore, Miss Brown played the old favorite "Carry Me Back to Old Virginity."

After the homecoming queen is crowned, the band will strike up "Pomp and Circumcision."

"The ants are my friends, is blowin' in the wind." (Bob Dylan)

"I've thrown a custard in her face" ( "I've grown accustomed to her face," in My Fair Lady)

"Return December, bad dress unknown" ("Return to sender, address unknown," Presley)

"Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina" ("Don't cry for me, Argentina." )

Sleep in heavenly peas, sleep in heavenly peas .
'Round John Virgin, mother and child.'
'Holy Vincent so tender and mild.'

"Shirley, good Mrs. Murphy, shall follow me all the days of my life."

"Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear." ("Gladly the Cross I'd Bear" )

"Good King Wences' car backed out on a piece of Stephen"

"where shepherds washed their socks by night"

"Get dressed, ye married gentlemen, get huffing you this May."

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap, and hay.

What a friend we have in cheeses .

-"Miniza seen the glory of the coming oof the Lord!
He has trampled out the vintage where the great giraffes are stored."

the Lord tramping out the vintage with a great ceramic sword.

"Our father, Art, in Heaven, Harold be thy name
lead a snot into temptation"

A teacher in elementary school read the following announcement to her class:
"If you subscribe to the summer Weekly Reader, you will receive ten issues."
One of her students waited all summer for a pair of tennis shoes.

to the republic four witches stand."

Sandy Claws (Santa Claus)

****************

With youth in Asia being a big question of right or wrong in today's society, hospitals fear that they will be sued.

She is laboring under a missed conception.

Eve's-dropping on the party telephone line was an accepted custom.

The men were arrested for Mister Meeners.

The dining room features the colors of seafoam green and mauve with Chip and Dale fumiture placed throughout.

I came within a hare's breath of running for Congress.

They treated him as if he had the blue bonnet plague.

Execution makes people escape coats of society.

A serial killer is a cycle path and a lunar dick.

from essays
"If someone is a vegetable, it is fruitless to try to keep him alive on a machine."
"A great person never said this, but they should have."
"Frostbite was common, as were men with amputatable limbs."
"The past does not interest me because we know everything about it."
"I cannot imagine a more beautiful picture than my mother bearing a child--me."
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes
Having one wife is called monotony
A man who marries twice commits bigotry
Each Thanksgiving it is a tradition for my family to shoot peasants
When a boy and a girl are deeply in love, there is no quilt felt between them
The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom (There is a difference between a fallen woman and one who has slipped)
Although the patient had been fatally ill before, he woke up dead
Arabs wear turbines on their heads
It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in the soup
The problem with mixed swimming is that the boys often outstrip the girls
A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer as in 'I am loved'
The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life
The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women, only more horrible
There were domestic problems at home as well as abroad
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
State one change in boys at puberty: there vice deepens."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Heredity means that if your grandfather didn't have any children, then your father probably wouldn't have any, and neither would you, probably
Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery
Plunging 1,000 feet into the gorge, we saw Yosemite Falls.

Dickens spent his youth in prison because his father's celery was cut off.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.

Every morning my father takes exercises to strengthen his abominable muscles.

Many people believe he was a Satin worshipper.

After consuming my mother's vitals, I went happily to bed.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects .

I know people who have found dishes and and bowels from the Indians.

Vestal virgins were pure and chased.

During the Cavaleer age every lady had a night.

I think this portfolio is a good example of my writing and an accurate betrayal of it.

The only sure-fire way to avoid teenage pregnancy is through obstenance.

I looked it up on the microfish in the library

The Etruscans built a complex system of aqua-ducks.

Ptolemy was the inventor of the sextent.

The Galapagos Islands are regarded as the world's most famous living lavoratory.

Being a virgin is OK for people who are old like teachers and parents, and who do not want to be popular

In some rocks we find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while other preferred to be oil.

Dinosaurs became extinct after the flood because they were too big to get into the ark.

The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity, and the abominable cavity.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

Galileo showed that the earth was round and not vice versa. He dropped his balls to prove gravity.

A cuckoo does not lay its own eggs.

The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

Paraffin is the next order of angels above serrafin.

As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

The Dutch people used windmills to keep the plants from sweating.

"One way to contact AIDS is through annual intercourse. To avoid getting AIDS, men should wear condoms at all times."

The union of the egg and sperm is called deception.

Human beings share a need for food, shelter, and sex with lower animals.

How is a child's sex determined? The male carries it in his jeans.

The safest sex is absence.

On a date, a boy tries to show how masculine he is. On this point, a girl can help greatly.

Teenage suicide is a problem because approximately 400,000 teenagers attempt to commit suicide and only 7,000 succeed.

In medical studies, same subjects receive medicine while the rest are given placentas.

After somebody dies, their body becomes rigorous.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. The formula for sea water is CH2O.

The sun makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Herpes is the messenger god and Hepatitis is the god of metal working

It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.

The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of Seasick.

A republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.

A Protestant is a woman who gets her living through an immoral life.

Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.

I was the Ring Bear at my sister's wedding

My sister writes in her diarrhea every day

If you keep on smoking you'll get cancelled

Boys and girls grow up to be adults and adultresses

My sister got married, and I was the Ringmaster. I got to go to the wedding but not the conception

My sister is still in Pooh-bear-ty

The two sides in a court trial are the defense and the prostitution.

In the USA criminals are put to death by elocution

When a boy and a girl are deeply in love there is no quilt felt between them

During the 1920s films were released in 2 virgins, one silent and the other with sounds

There are six senses: hearing, touch, taste, smell and the sense of humour

She arrived at the castle and spent the knight.

Platonic love is where you first love a single woman.
Then you come to love women as a hole

Aphrodite is a kind of haircut

Anonymous: the man who writes all the poems that are not signed

Canal: a small stream of water made by man.

Circle: a line which meets its other end without ending.

migration: the headache birds get when flying south.

quartz: the name for two pints.

Rabies: Jewish priests; must be treated with respect.

equator - menagerie lion that runs around the world forever

Equestrian. One who asks questions.
Franchise - Anything belonging to the French.
Parasite - A kind of umbrella.
Plagiarist - A writer of plays.
Bigotry - Being married to two or more people.
Blasphemy - When you worship satin.
Celibacy - Something you put in a salad.
Crematorium - Where cream is made.
Darwinism - Survival of the fetus.
Foliage - A mother horse having a baby.
Husbandry - Having more than one husband.
Marriage - A bond between two people to make their children literate.
Migration - A headache that birds get when they fly south for the winter .
Octopus - An eye doctor .
prism - A place where they put criminals
syntax - all the money collected at church from sinners
tycoon - something butterflies come out of
Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

The atom is composed of protons and electricians.

Geometry was invented by Eucalyptus

We do not raise silkworms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know that we know they are there.

Comets are made up of organic material, ice, and miscellaneous gases and are thought to be ruminants from the beginning of the universe.

An optimist is a doctor who looks after your eyes. A pessimist is one who attends to your feet.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

Space is the final front tear.

American time is behind British time because America was discovered later.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Mercury is the god of the weather because he is found in thermometers.

Some people can tell the time by looking at the Sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.

********** I am not sure how clouds get formed, but the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Most books say the Sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into the Sun in the daytime.

The hydrogen bomb is sometimes called the itch bomb. I don't know why.

Kangaroos are not mammals. They are menopausals.

A skeleton is a man with his outside off and his inside sticking out.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

To keep in good health, inhale and exhale once a day, and do gymnastics.

I do not believe in premartial sex because he or she might get pregnut.

Gender is how you tell if a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter.

An appendix is something you find in the back of a book. But if it gets in people, it has to be taken out.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Natural immunity is catching a disease without the aid of a physician.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Mono sodium glue to mate enhances the flavor of food.

People who go to see optimists often find that their eyes and headaches disappear.

An artery carries blood to or from the heart. I forget which. But the body remembers, and that's the important thing.

Scientists are hypothetical people.

Our new teacher told us all about fossils. Before she came to our class, I didn't know what a fossil looked like.

A squid is sort of like a small jellyfish, except that it has ten to twelve testi cles that hang down from its body.

The great wall of China was built to keep out the mongrels.

Our biology class went out to explore the swamp and to collect little orgasms.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Americans throwaway thousands of tons of food that some Asian child could be eating.

We get our temperature three different ways. Either fairinheit, cellcius, or centipede.

A molecule is so small that it can't be seen by the naked observer.

Extinct birds lay very few eggs.

A porcupine is an animal with many pricks.

Without electricity we would still be in the dark ages.

A magnet is something you will find in a bad apple.

The pelvis protects the gentiles.

In biology today, we digested a frog.

Our heredity is determined by the number of jeans our mother and father gave us

The heart beats faster when you are younger, average when you are middle age, hardly at all when you are old, and not at all when you are dead.

Between birth and seven years of age, the mother should be home with her children

I am pro-choice. Even to think that an unwanted pregnancy should last to full term is abdominable.

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

The two major religions of Ireland are Catholic and Prostitute.

The capital of Ethiopia is Adidas Ababa

The difference between a president and a king is that a king has no vice.

Being between Scylla and Charybdis means that whichever way you go, you are going to get got.

Strategy is when you don't let the enemy know that you are out of ammunition, but keep on firing.

Teaching is a rewarding task
How the students have improved what they need to improve at the end of a semester.

* "Now I know that subjects and verbs always needs to agree."
* "In class I have learn lots and lots of grammar. Writing is something else that I done in class."
* " When I use commas I need to understand when I need to put one in my sentence; even though I got better on my second essay."
* "So now instead of one ruff copy I have three or more sometimes."
* "I've learned a lot of grammar. For example, I've learned that instead of saying, 'I had my hair done,' I should say, 'I had my hair did.'"
* "Yes I have improved greatly. In the fact that I now look for incomplete and runon sentences, all the time."
* "I have improved on languagewise, how to punctuations when writing an essay."
* I past all my testes. My grade should be hirer .
* Another thing I learned was way's to use apostrofe's and where it goe's and sometime's not to use them.

Excuses
The following are actual excuses written by parents on behalf of their children in the Albuquerque Public Schools system.

My son is under the doctor's care and shouldn't be taking fizical ed. Please execute him.
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
Please excuse Sara from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah diahoah dyah the shits.
Dear school: Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating
Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak
Dear Teacher: Please excuse my son Joseph's absence on Friday, as it was Ash Wednesday. Signed, My Mother

Please excuse Raul from school yesterday. He had a stomach egg.

Please excuse my daughter's absence. She had her periodicals.

Susan was not at school yesterday because she had her first menopause.

Please forgive Clarence for being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had penis trouble and had to be serpent sized.

Please excuse my daughter. She had abominable pain.

I kept Monica at home today because she was not feeling too bright.

please excuse Jane Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. She had an absent tooth.

Robert was late because he was not early. He is never in no hurry. He is too slow to be quick.

The basement of our house got flooded where the children sleep so they had to be evaporated.

please excuse Connie from gym class to day, as she had difficulty breeding.