A Warsaw restaurant: "As for the tripe served here, you will be singing its praises to your grandchildren on your deathbed."

On a Chinese menu: Mr Zheng and his fellowworkers like to meet you and entertain you with their hostility and unique cooking techniques.

On the menu of a Chinese restaurant: We serve dead shrimp on warm vegetables with a smile.

Restaurant in Rome:
"Mixed Boils to Pick.
(The Italian phrase is simply "mixed boiled meats of your choosing,")
Mad Apples.
(Eggplant is melanzane in Italian. The translator found in his dictionary that mela means "apple" in English and zane means "nutty or crazy." )

On a Budapest menu: Special today-no ice cream

On a Chinese menu: Special cocktails for women with nuts

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

A restaurant in Katmandu, Nepal, offers testy snacks, one in Sana'a, Yemen, paper steak and Garden Blue, and one in Freetown, Sierra Leone (where English is the official language), stake.
[Submitted by Kathryn W. Uphaus, Freetown, Sierra Leone.]

In a Parisian restaurant: We serve five o'clock tea at all hours.

A Shanghai hot pot buffet , "You will be able to eat all you wish until you are fed up! "

Found on menu cards: Whores Dover, Fisherman's Crap Soup, Barely Soup, Soap of the Day
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion, Hambugger, Roast Beast, Pork with Fresh Garbage, Sir Loin Steak,Live Wurst, Meat Dumping
Muscles in Sailor's Sauce, Drunken Prawns in Spit
Frayed Chicken, Hen Fried with Butler, Bosom of Chicken, Sweat from the Turkey, Foul Breast, Roasted Duck Let Loose
Toes with Butter and Jam, Cold Shredded Children, Full Coarse Meal, Muchrooms,Cabitch, French Fried Ships, Mad Appies, sweat and sour chicken, sweet peace, Strawberry Crap, Cock and Tail, Lemon Jews, Special Cocktails for Women with Nuts

Your safety and the security of your personal property are of the upmost concern to those of us who welcome you as our guest.”
[From a card in the rooms at the Holiday Inn, Dublin, Georgia. Submitted by Jennifer J. Goode, Atlanta, Georgia.]

“Suggestions for handling obscene phone calls from New England Telephone Co.” [Title of a brochure]

Our ETERNA Fountain-Pen is a revolting invention

The West Virginia law: "The picking of flora or fauna within 100 yards of a highway is forbidden."

Label on a bag of dry cat food: 1/2 Lb. More Than Other 3.5 Lb. Bags.

Seen in Japan:
Artistic barber for cutting off of head.
No horse back riding except in carriages.
Notice pasted on a door: Shut Up.

In the brochure of an Italian hotel in the Dolomites area: Having freshly taken over the propriety of this notorious house, I am wishful that you remove to me your esteemed costume. Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every bedroom, with balcony imminent to a romantic gorge, affording delightful prospects. We hope you want to drop in. I give personal look to the interior wants of each guest. Here, you shall be well fed up and agreeably drunk. In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away.

From a Venezuelan travel brochure:
In this Expedition you will know the highets waterfall in the world. From Canaima, through the Sabana, the Jungle and the rivers Carrao & Churun, you'll enjoy one of the biggets emotions of this life. All the facilities Camp. Guides as natives, all experts, will bring you trough troubles waters, just where a few have made it. Be you one of them. Meals in open fire never taste so goo

Descending on the Seljestad side, the bus will make a short stop at the Latefoss waterfall, tumbling down the mountainside in a double avalanche and gently spraying the road.” [From Fodor's Scandinavia, 1984, p. 315.]

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Regardless of anything to the contrary in this booklet, if your medical insurance terminates for any reason including death, you...may elect within 30 days...to continue such medical insurance...” [From Group Insurance for 1-14 Employees, Consolidated Group Trust, The Hartford, p. 70.]

Among the titles listed by Pocket Books as out of print as of 9/20/84 in Publishers Weekly, June 22, 1984, p. 114, is Words Most Often Misspelled & Misspronounced

Make certain that frozen meat, fish, poultry, or other food is thoroughly thawed before cutting it with a knife that is not intended for that purpose.” --Safety Rules, Section 4012 Rule 6, pub. by the National Railroad Passenger Corporation (Amtrak)

“Roofs were collapsing everywhere. The cries of the dead and the dying filled the air.” [From a description of the destruction of Pompeii in Lost Cities and Vanished Civilizations by Robert Silverberg, page 13. Submitted by George Johnson, Wausau, Wisconsin.]

Any person with information on residents of the Union cemetery... [From the Genealogical Helper, May-June 1984. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]

“Created from colorful, anodized aluminum and tough, strong compressed polystyrene, you can write with any ball-type pen or pencil on the long-lasting tag.” [From a tag accompanying a vegetable and flower marker sold by Gardener's Eden, Boston, Massachusetts. Submitted by Hans Beacham, Austin, Texas]

“More good news is that the Brooks company may issue a shoe designed for the higli-arched foot, which can cause the runner major medical problems.” [from “Medical Advice,” by Dr. Geo. Sheehan, in Runner's World, November 1980, p. 100]

“After the death of her father as a young child, her mother moved the family to Durban, South Africa, to be near relatives.” [from a biographical note about Juliet Prowse in TV Week, Chicago Tribune, June 15, 1980. Submitted by I. Taubenfligel, Chicago.]

“It also permits a flight steward to dash down to the onboard freezers for a special steak for the President or a change of clothing for the First Lady.” [The Flying White-house - The Story of Airforce One, by J. terHorst and R. Albertazzie, page 253]

“5. SEXUAL ASSAULT CLASSES FOR 7 & 8 GRADE BOYS ON APRIL 6 WITH MR. PLEDL IN MULTI-PURPOSE ROOM” [From Teacher Bulletin, March 30, 1982, Thomas Jefferson Middle School, Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin. Submitted by Robert F. Perkins]

The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50.

“Your thumb or fingerprint will be taken.” [From the California Driver Handbook, Spring 1988. Submitted by D. Wayne Doolen, Sherman Oaks.]

“Instead of their usual Friday collections on December 25 and January 1, Friday customers will be picked up on Saturday, December 26, and Saturday, January 2.” [Holiday garbage schedules in the San Francisco Examiner, 18 December 1987. Submitted by Randy Alfred, San Francisco.]

“Wilbur J. Witzel, 42, of San Jose, who pulled a fallen woman from train tracks June 11, 1990, as a commuter train rapidly approached.” [From a list of Carnegie heroes in the San Francisco Chronicle, 1 November, 1991, p. B8. Submitted by Randy Alfred, San Francisco.]

The witness “had a substantial degree of education and training in prostitution and may even be possessed of some skill.” Such testimony “would be very helpful to jurors who are not usually engaged in such matters.” [Memorandum opinion by Judge Knox on the qualifications of a lay witness in UNITED STATES V. WALKER, 495 F. SUPP. 232 (1980). Submitted by V.P. Collins, M.D., Houston.]

In Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

“Training Programs in Child Abuse and Neglect.” [Caption on a brochure from the Children's Institute International. Submitted by Jean P. MacAllister, Beverly Hills, California.]

Joe Harrigan's father passed away yesterday from a massive heart attack. He won't be back in the office until Tuesday.

We note with regret that Mr. Vincent Avallone is recovering after a serious accident.

A son was born to Mr. and Mrs. Charles Mulkahey, Garrison St., during the past week. Congratulations, Pete!

Obituary: She was known for her heart of gold, always giving of herself and never expecting anything in return. She enjoyed talking with people, cooking her infamous lasagna meals, walking, reading, and bowling.

CARD OF THANKS. On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband. THANKS to two special people who picked my wife up after a fall from her bike and broke her pelvis and severely damaged her back and many other parts of her body. Jim and Betty Kelleher, there are not enough words to express my gratitude and heartfelt thanks for you and what you did for my wonderful wife.

For 35 years I have fished Long Pond and have taken out visitors from allover the United States.

The ladies bathroom is manned at all times.

I would like to thank everyone for their cards and contributions in memory of my beloved husband, father, and grandfather . We note with regret that Mr. Kramer is recovering after his serious operation.

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of Charles Stanton to the post," said Philip Stauffer, superintendent.

The club's celebration will also include a DJ and balloons falling from the ceiling at midnight.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Cooper announce the betrayal of their daughter Miss Margaret to Ensign Raymond McKee.

A bathroom shower was given the bride.

questionnaire "Do you read, speak, and understand English? Yes 0 No 0.

"We're launching a new innovation for the first time.

Your subscription is about to expire, and delivery will stop. Please send payment now to avoid uninterrupted delivery.

As no payment is forthcoming, we are closing our flies at this time.

An invitation to a testimonial dinner announces enthusiastically, "We are honored to saute Megan Casey and Brian Cafferty." (I prefer them lightly fried)

It's better to slow down then get a ticket.

Taped to a cash register in a convenience store:
No Checks Excepted!
No Acceptions!

If you are seated in an exit row and you cannot read this card, or cannot see well enough to follow these instructions, please tell a crew member.” [From an emergency instruction card on United Airlines planes.
Submitted by J. Robert Orpen, Jr., Chicago.]

In a university commencement program: The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

As a baboon who grew up wild in the jungle, I realized that Wiki had special nutritional needs. (Who is the baboon here?)

Mr. & Mrs. Garth Robinson request the honor of your presents at the marriage of their daughter Holly to Mr. James Stockman.

Congradulations to our school's champion spelers.

He was a very astute politician with both ears glued to the ground.

1. Resolved, by this Council, that we build a new Jail. 2. Resolved, that the new Jail be built out of the material of the old Jail. 3. Resolved, that the old Jail be used until the new Jail is finished. -passed by the Board of Councilmen in Canton, Mississippi

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of Arthur Harrison to the post.

Due to repairs to the air-conditioning system, offices will be very humid for the next three days. Please bare with us.

Please take time to look over the brochure that is enclosed with your family.

Will the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.

In a promotional folder of a resort at Iguaco Falls, Brazil: We offer you peace and seclusion. The paths to our resort are only passable by asses. Therefore, you will certainly feel at home here.

On a Tropicana Twisters drink bottie: Flavors Mother Nature never intended

There is no electricity (no heat or bathroom) in the Meeting House (1772). A portable toilet will be available to the right of the building. Seating is somewhat limited.

On a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

TO OUR PATRONS This week, the Saturday matinee will be held Tuesday instead of Thursday.

Enjoy our breath-taking view of the Atlantic Ocean that is eliminated by our special lighting at night.

“If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachaise Cemetery. It...boasts such immortals as Molière, Jean de la Fontaine, and Chopin!” [From a travel agency brochure. Submitted by Warren L. Felton, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.]

In a brochure for Healthometer EVERWeigh bathroom scales: The capacity af tlle scale is 330 pounds. To prevent damage, do not try to weigh more than 330 pounds.

label on cat furniture: 'Real wooden furniture for cats with removable parts.'

memo not to use the office photocopy machine without permission : "Persons interested in using my secretary's reproductive equipment should contact me first.

Employees requesting safety shoe reimbursement, limited to one pair per year, must complete and submit an expense account form, attaching proof of purchase to their supervisor.

Take pride: don't lose site of why you teach.-a message from the state's "Teacher of the Year"

from the rules of a club: This rule has never been broken because it is explicitly stated and the wrongdoer knows that he will be dismembered for violating it.

stage directions in Eugene O'Neill's play Where the Cross Is Made: "His right arm had been amputated at the shoulder and the sleeve on that side hangs flabbily. Then he goes over to the table, and sits down, resting his elbows, his chin in his hands, staring somberly before him.

"I am opening a organic pet supply store in N .Y. and am looking for home bread puppies. Please contact me if you have any information about home bread puppies in my area.

We need candid photos for the yearbook. Only decent pictures will be excepted. Sex should not be aloud.

In an emergency situation, call security at extension 3069, and we will determine if the situation is emergent.

Our office policy is that we will do our utmost to see patients in discomfort as soon as possible.- California dental newsletter

I wish we had never put a police officer in a school or metal detector.

Old Sedbergians are invited to a weekend reunion at the school. We would like to extend a particularly warm invitation to all of you who left Sedbergh and your wives.

In a group insurance handbook: If your medical insurance terminates for any reason including death, you may elect within 30 days to continue such medical insurance.

As you will see, the limitations of this product are endless.

Things never seem as they appear to be.

I think it's important that the store was founded in 1898 and is still in existence with the same name and customers.

For some context, consider these numbers from the same year: 91 percent of clergy were men, 92 percent of engineers were men, and 90 percent of men were dentists.

Go see for yourself why you shouldn't see that film-

The invisible Man is a must-see.

This is the best film David Niven was in before he died.

Being unique is a special quality found in everyone.

Mrs. McAllister watched as the giant airplane taxied out of the gate. Then like some wild beast she pointed her nose down the runway and screamed terrifically into the sky.

It is my hope in the near future to show additional films on the hazards of cigarette smoking, nutrition, and dental care.

We have turned cans into cash to use towards programs for our children, rather than burying them in a landfill. Aluminum cans have generated $65,359.00 since the spring of 1989 for our school.

Recent visitors were the Jonathan Goldings and their in-laws the Brett Packards, from Lake Placid, NY. Brett had his tonsils removed in Centerville. It was a pleasant surprise to have them for supper .

I haven't liked the food in any of the cafeterias I've eaten.

A funeral ceremony can accumulate significant costs such as cleaning the church and an organist.

She watched as her father retumed home with the horses all dressed in cowboy attire.

Photo caption: Seen from a vaporetto: a gondola with a liveried gondolier carrying a middle-aged woman and an elderly man.

During our entire marriage of 44 years, plus a few preceding years of courtship, I could count the number of times Henry was stopped by a policeman for driving on just three fingers of my left hand.

You can see many exquisite statues walking around the museum.

Mrs Donahue found the cat using our lost-and-found column

We saw lots of squirrels going to and from church.

Before you make a decision, please discuss the idea of a day at the beach with your physician.

The contractor shall provide uninformed police officers for traffic control. I have been raising this question for some years, but it is like the tree that falls in the dessert: Nobody hears it. Help Irradicate Illiteracy.

Vogel considered the key attributes of a successful businessman: "Integrity, voracity, and spirituality" .

****

Shoe Mart sells more shoes per square foot at airports than it does in any of its other stores.

People who oppose abortion are labouring under a misconception.

A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across.

David Bowie is one of a dying breed who will live on forever.

It is time for some straight talk about the gay liberation movement.

The casualties from the missile attacks were astronomically low.

It has clung to the bowels of my brain.

I personally could not stand by and watch a child starve to death. I would give an arm and a leg to feed them.

That summer I finally got my leg operated on, and what a relief. It had been hanging over my head for years.

Urbanology is a virgin field pregnant with possibilities.

Cambodia has launched a crash course to train more pilots.

Brown told the group he'd be in his office now "burning the midnight oil from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m."

Most health concerns about coffee are groundless.

We all have ancestors, and in this series I will encourage you to dig up yours.

My life made a 360-degree turn.

A man found a new way to import ice from Alaska to California, where it is selling like hot cakes.