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Outside a dry cleaning store: Ten-minute parking for cleaning customers only On a hospital bulletin board: The Community Chorus will begin Monday night rehearsals at 6 p.m. We have special need for men's voices, but all parts are welcome. Buy one dozen free and get another half dozen. Once he'd gone past the point of no return, there was no going back. A Tokyo restaurant, "Please do not bring outside food, excluding children under five." In Hungarian Zoo: Don't feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard. In the office of a Roman doctor:Specialist in women and other diseases. In a Zürich hotel: Because of the impropriety of the entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. at the Titanic Museum in Indian Orchard, Massachusetts: These postcards were donated by Helen Huber, on behalf of her great-uncle, Oerhard Huber, who perished in the Titanic disaster and had been in a steamer trunk for 30 years. Notice on some London underground escalators: “Dogs Must Be Carried.” As the story goes, a confused and flustered old lady, having seen and complied with a sign reading “Tickets Must Be Shown,” was terrified that, without a dog, she would have to climb the stairs. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In the lobby of a hotel facing a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursdays. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband or similar In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a Rhodos tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. sign in Shanghai Airport, "The drinking water in this airport has been passed by the Quarantine Authorities." warning on election day in Bangkok, "No Beer Sold on Erection Day." In a Czech tourist agency: Take one hour horse-driven carriage. We garantee no miscarriages. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. admonition to avoid trespassing in a French chateau: "Please do not invade Madame's private parts. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. Automatic Washing Machines. Toilet out of order, please use floor below. At a French Riviera hotel swimming pool: Swimming is forbidden in the absence of a savior. “ Hamburgers, pizzas, ice cream and snakes.”[From a 20-foot billboard in South Delhi (India) “No gasoline will be sold to anyone in a glass container.” [From a sign in a gas station window in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Submitted by Veronica Egan, Tesuque, New Mexico.] On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In an Ankara hotel: Please hang your order before retiring on your doorknob. Notice Posted on every floor of a Florence, Italy, hotel:Fire! It is what we can doing we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quietly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.
In Italian hotel: On a Vietnamese boat: Nobody is allowed to sit on both sides of the boat. At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?" In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." At restaurant-gas stations throughout the USA: Eat here and get gas. In a New Hampshire jewellery store: Ears pierced while you wait. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. In a Michigan restaurant: The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11 a.m. On a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -Sisters of Mercy. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. On a movie theatre: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy. In a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass . In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. In a New York medical building: Mental health prevention centre. On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. On a display of "I Love you Only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don 't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work. On the tap in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In a Bulgarian hotel: If you are satisfactory, tell your friends. If you are unsatisfactory, warn the waitress. In a Barcelona hotel courtyard: No automobils. Pederasts only.
Hotel notice in Istanbul, Turkey: another Istanbul hotel: To call the room service, please open door and call Room Service. At a Sri Lankan swimming pool: Do not use the diving board when the swimming pool is empty . In a Torremolinos hotel: We highly recommend the hotel tart. In a Seville, Spain, hotel: Those to require bathing please to notice the chambermaid. In a Cairo hotel: On September 30, winter timing will start. As of 12:00 midnight all clocks will be forward one hour back. In an African hotel: You may choose between: a room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country. In the window of a Swedish furrier : Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream. In a Madrid hotel: If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid. In a Sorrento, Italy, hotel: The concierge immediately for informations. Please don't wait last minutes. Then it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences. In a Tuscany hotel brochure: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude. In a hotel brochure, Amalfi, Italy: Suggestive views from every window On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. On hotel TV set in Belgrade, Yugoslavia: If set breaks, inform manager. Do not interfere with yourself. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement is upstairs In a Leipzig hotel room: Ladies, please rinse out your teapots and stand upside down in sink. In no event should hot bottoms be placed on the counter. OUTSIDE A FARM: Horse manure, 50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence do-it-yourself. ENGLISH SIGN ON A GERMAN CAFE: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating. SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along & get a wonderful bargain? ON A NEW TOWN HALL TO BE OPENED BY THE PRINCE OF WALES: The Town Hall is closed until opening. AT THE SIDE OF A SUSSEX ROAD: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
On a Newton, Massachusetts, club:
In a fastfood eatery:
Sign outside a barbecue restaurant in Atlanta: In a Naples, New York, cemetery:
At a Sandwich, Massachusetts, diner: hotel in Paris: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but not trousers.
In the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant in Detroit:
On a farm near Elizabethtown, Kentucky: In auto-repair garage in Seattle: WE ARE SORRY BUT WE CANNOT ACCEPT ANY CUSTOMER PARTS OR FLUIDS PARKING FOR KENTUCKY At a truck stop in Tulsa, Oklahoma: In the Glasgow, Scotland, airport:
By the road near Cape May, New Jersey: On a back road in Washington State:
In the Mammoth Caves in Virginia: At the entrance of a one-way bridge in Sonoma California
In a Kalamazoo, Michigan, department store:
In a Los Angeles dance studio: Portland, Maine, parking garage:
In a Brooklyn barbershop window:
In a Baltimore restaurant:
At a construction site Near Warrenton, Virginia: on a country store in the same area: Sign on the men's room door at the offices of the Detroit School Board: Closed for official opening. This pubic area is open to all At a health center: On a Charleston, West Virginia, school property: No Trespassing Without Permission In a restaurant: Shoes are required to eat inside Outside restaurant: Help keep the birds healthy. Don't feed them restaurant food In a Nova Scotia traveloffice: Don't take a chance on ruining your vacation - come to us and be sure In an oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here On a building in Houston: Christian Pest Control Outside a furniture store: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship On a gas pump in San Antonio: Prepay In Advance Before Pumping. In a Las Vegas doctor's office: Amnesia patients may have to pay in advance |
A hotel notice in Ankara, "You are invite to visit our restaurant where you can eat the Middle East Foods in a European ambulance." On an airplane: If you are sitting in an exit row and you cannot read this card or cannot see well enough to follow these instructions, please tell a crew member. Publicize your business absolutely free. Send $ 6.
And a Japanese steak house boasts of its house specialty thus: "Teppan Yaki-before your cooked right eyes."
In the window of a clothing store: Sid's Pants is Open.
On a California freeway: Fine For Littering.
In a cemetery: We must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
In a shop:
Customers should notice that any complaints of incivility on the part of our staff wil be severely dealt with
a motoring event on the French Riviera :
In a Havana hotel: Guests are prohibited from walking around the lobby in large groups in the nude.
On the wall of a cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job.
In a Tel Aviv hotel room: If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service.
This will be enough to bring your food up.
In a barber shop: Hair cut while you wait.
In a restaurant: Free dinner on your birthday. If today is your birthday, show us a valid driver's
license as proof, and you will get your entree free. One a year only.
In a jewelry shop: Genuine Faux Pearls.
On the door of a Manhattan establishment: This door is alarmed 24 hours a day.
In a fast-food parking lot: Parking fur Drive-Through Customers Only.
In a company outlet store: One case per customer regardless of size.
On a diner standing near a Pittsburgh bus station: Terminal Lunch.
At the basketball court : Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended.
in a supermarket: Photo Customers: For one-day service, film must be dropped off prior to 12:00 noon the previous day.
Posted in a Canadian hospital: Flu doesn't take a holiday and neither do we!-Memorial Hospital/ Closed Thanksgiving Day.
On the entrance of a parking lot: Any car parked on this property will be towed away at owners expense and will be prosecuted.
On a dustbin in a school (presumably meant for the caretaker): Empty when full.
In a restaurant: Half baked chicken.
In a barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here.
In a furniture store: All credit approvals must have approved credit.
On a bed-and-breakfast: Please excuse our improvements.
On a bookshop: Rare, out-of- print, and nonexistent books.
At London's Heathrow Airport: No Exit for passengers.
On a construction office : We Specialize In Quick Erections.
On many a garment bag: To avoid suffocation, keep away from children.
In Richmond, Indiana: "Salvation Army Thrift Shop. Jesus Saves."
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
In a funeral parlour: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington, men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits-$10.00-They won't last an hour!
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
On an Ohio highway: Drive Slower When Wet.
On a Pennsylvania highway: Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19.
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here ?
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: Parking for birds only.
In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. midnight.
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: Now serving live lobsters.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.
In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car.
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen : Restrooms a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant: "Women are not served here... You have to bring your own."
"Please to bathe inside the tub." In a Japanese Hotel Room Please leave your umbrella and goulashes here. Drop your ballet in the ballet box. At an Israeli butcher shop: I slaughter myself twice daily. In a Belgrade hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." A Zanzibar barbershop window message: Gentlemen's throats cut with nice sharp razors. In a Japanese Hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." In a hotel on the Gaspé Peninsula: No dancing in the bathrooms! "Drop your trousers here for best results." In a Bangkok dry cleaner's "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts." -In a Tokyo bar "We take your bags and send them in all directions." In a Copenhagen airline ticket office "English well talking. Here speeching American." At a shop in Majorca "Eat here. Get gas." Sign at a California truckstop Beware! “Please Smoke in Grand Foyer.” [Sign at the Opera House entrance doors, Kennedy Center, Washington, D.C. (What if you are a non-smoker?) Notice over the door of a small country hospital, somewhere in Europe, that is run by the Nursing Sisters of Charity translates into: “We harbor every sort of disease and have no respect for religion.” Street sign in England: “Children Drive Slowly.” (Thank goodness!) Sign at a neighbourhood recreation center in Hawaii: “Do Not Sit On Balls. Use For Intended Purposes Only.” Sign in a shop window: OPEN SOON / DEATH IN FAMILY / PROBABLY MONDAY. THIS STORE IS PROTECTED AGAINST SHOPLIFTING BY SECURITY PERSONNEL.--Sign in a local supermarket in Thunder Bay, Ontario. “VIOLATIONS WILL BE ENFORCED.” [from the list of rules posted at the swimming pool in Eldorado at Santa Fe, New Mexico. Submitted by Reginald E. Dunstan, of that city.] “4-Hour Service: In by 8 Out by 2. [From the window of a dry-cleaner's in San Francisco. Tempus fugit.] “NO DUMPING--TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED” [Sign at Memorial Road and Eastern, Oklahoma City] A sign outside the secretarial pool at the Pentagon during World War II: ALL OFFICERS WISHING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SECRETARIES IN THE POOL MUST FIRST REPORT TO ROOM 403 TO SHOW EVIDENCE OF THEIR NEED. [Submitted by Murray Schwartz, Nyack, New York.] “DO NOT DRINK THE BEER HERE!” [Sign in a delicatessen on Broadway near 106th Street, New York City] “Place Your Order and Get Out of the Way.” [Sign in Mexican restaurant in Chicago.] “All Peoples Welcome for the Gifts.” [Sign in Turkish shop] Sign spotted in a Chelsea restaurant: In a Belgrade hotel lift: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. In a restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends At a Houston ATM machine: if you are blind, please use the Braille keys. On the gate of a farm: Por Sale: Eggs & Milk from Local Cows On a Washington, D.C. , building: Spay/Neuter Clinic. Department of Human Services. In a country club: Restrooms closed except for special events In an Orlando safari park: Elephants Please Stay in Your Car. On a gate in a ski resort: Going beyond this point may result in death and/or loss of skiing privileges. Please wait for hostess to be seated. Street sign next to a cemetery: ONE WAY/EXIT ONLY. In the entrance of a camera store: NO In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. OUTSIDE A DISCO: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. WARNING: Quicksand. DRY CLEANERS WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. HEALTH FOOD SHOP: Closed due to illness.
REPAIR SHOP: We repair anything.
Proceeds from sales of carved ducks go to handicap children.” “See where the Pilgrims landed by bus.” TO AVOID BREAKAGE KEEP BOTTOM ON TOP No dumping aloud. At a tourist spot in Nova Scotia: On bulletin boards at a San Antonio, Texas, hospital: At the entrance of Texas A&M-Corpus Christi:
In front of a Canton, Massachusetts, filling station: Near a London hospital: HOSPITAL Available for priv parts” [Legend on the marquee of a cocktail lounge in Waltham, Massachusetts, Christmas-time 1992. Submitted by Phyllis C. Doherty, Bedford, Massachusetts.] Sign on a ferry in San Juan harbour:
In the window of a Boston supermarket:
In a Santa Fe, New Mexico, open-air market: Two signs, one over the other, in Seattle: On a traffic light in Newport, New Hampshire:
On a Newark, New Jersey, government office building: In the window of a Woodsville, Washington, store:
sign On a "Family Style" restaurant' in Hong Kong: We regret that due to the increased price of coffee we must charge for every other cup. This does not apply to coffee served with meals or police officers.” sign in a New Orleans restaurant. Over cash register in a Seattle clothing store: In the laundry room of an apartment complex: Do not use washing machines for dying. TO TOUCH THIS CABLE MEANS INSTANT DEATH Posted at a school basketball court: No black souls allowed.
Painted on the side of a pickup truck At the approach to a bridge in New London, Connecticut On a Minneapolis motel: You can get two free drinks for the price of one. From an east Texas Cable Company: Please bare with us while we are working to improve service. On a "Family Style" restaurant in Hong Kong , "Come Broil Yourself at Your Own Table." |