letters/messages

statements in insurance forms
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary car going the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car

The accident was entirely due to the road bending.

The accident was due to the other man's narrowly missing me.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.p I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

I heard a horn blow and was struck violently in the back. Evidently a lady was trying to pass me.

One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from brake to accelerator, leaped across the road to the other side and jumped into the trunk of a tree.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

A cow wandered into my car I was later informed that the unfortunate cow was half- witted

The other man changed his mind, and I had to run into him.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

My car sustained no damage whatsoever and the other car somewhat less.

to a state welfare agency
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything till he knows.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on half a sheet of paper.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

application
If there was a single word to describe me, that word would have to be "profectionist."

I function well as an individual and a group.

In my senior year, I am serving as writting editor of the yearbook.

I have made the horror role every semester .

I want to be fully bilingual in three or more languages.

I proliferate with English courses.

I can read, speak, and write Greek fluently. My other two sports are tennis and volleyball.

I would like to become a veterinarian. I have had some experience with animals.

I have volunteered in dog kennels and cat houses.

I applied as an undergraduate and was weight-listed.

I have taken many curses in literature and writing.

At night we stayed in a youth hostile.

I have a conscious which keeps everything in check.

Needles to say, ...

"I have enjoyed my boyhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery."

I have a photogenic memory.

Dear Abby
Excerpts taken from real letters to Dear Abby
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Curious

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor.

Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Wondering Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
Annie Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

The pH of our well is 5.6. Is this acidic enough to worry about? We also have a problem with darkening toilet bowls, but the water tastes great.

Dear Sir: I am a married woman, and I am fed up with being stuck at home. I wondered if you could help me as I am thinking of starting to breed with my poodle.

Letter to advice columnist Dorothy Dix: My husband keeps telling me to go to Hell. Have I a legal right to take the children?

It is normal for survivors of suicide to experience feelings of guilt.

DEAR DR. KASMIROV: I'm 18 years old and have had sex for the first time. Although it lasted only about three minutes, is it possible I could get pregnant?
DEAR READER: Yes. Have a pregnancy test done by your doctor or a clinic, or test yourself by using one of the home kits sold in most drug stores. If the result is negative, do it again in a week or so.

Dear Ashamed in San Antonio: God cannot keep you from resisting temptation without your help. -Abigail Van Buren

Please tell me what to do about pimples. I have what is known as an inferiority complexion.

other letters
The Illinois Department of Public Aid sent the following letter to a dead person:
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

As a homeowner, you know the value of your trees and shrubs in terms of atheistics and monetary replacement costs.
[A letter from a tree service company. Submitted by Henry C. Maguire, Killingworth, Connecticut.]

From a request for a magazine subscription renewal: Dear recently-expired subscriber: ...

Your subscription is about to expire, and delivery will stop. Please remit payment now to avoid uniterrupted delivery.”
[From a renewal notice sent by The Courier-News, 9 June 1993. Submitted by Norman A. Heap, Stockton, New Jersey.]

In order that we may continue to serve you without interruption, we hope you will favor us with a remittance for continuing your subscription before your expiration date.

***

responses to inquiries for accommodations abroad:
Dear Madam: I am honorable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I have. I can though give you a washing, with pleasure, in a most clean spring with no one to see. I insist that you will like this.

Dear Madam: I am amazingly diverted by your entreaty for a room. We can offer you a commodious chamber. We have nice bath and are very good in bed.

***

My son grabbed [the skunk] and got the load intended for the dog as well as a bite through the web of his hand. We kept him for a year or so in a box with a chicken wire cover and sides. When it got cold he went into semihibernation coming out two or three times a week for food. He took his bedding and closed the front of the box except for a small hole to go in and out. He had a beautiful pelt, thick and velvety. I could pet him when he was eating but at no other time. After a year or so we turned him loose and he took off across the fields.”
[From a letter from William McClelland to The Conservationist/NYSDEC, January-February 1992, page 48. Submitted by Jon B. Jolly, Seattle.]

I am 5'7" when in full erection.

I am a single parent with a 2-and-a-half-year-old daughter who has been unable to attend Craig University because of student loans.

I wish to express my thanks to the Post Office for the great, kind service they give and for the patience they have with little old ladies in mailing packages.

letter sent by a law firm accompanying a draft of the reader's will:
"Enclosed herewith please find draft copies of your Last Will and Testament. If the Will is acceptable, kindly advise our office so that we may schedule a convenient time for execution."

********

John is one of a rare bread.

Jim infiltrated comfortably with the rest of the staff.

From a basketball coach: Mike has grown 6 feet in the last two years.

'I have been an adolescent for the past six or seven years.
When will I grow up to be an adulter?"

*****

Spaniard to helpdesk in Gibraltar: "Who is this "General Failure", and what's he doing on my hard disk?"

What to do with the following message: "Error 101: No keyboard. Press F1 to continue"?