Headlines
double entendres

"Man Eating Chicken" Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Cancelled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One Deer Kill 17,000 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE DOCTOR TESTlFIES IN HORSE SUIT STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN . MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG. CHINESE APEMAN DATED TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY. MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER . SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED CLINTON VISITS HURT SOLDIERS PREVENTIVE HEALTH SERVICE FOR WOMEN BEING CUT IN HALF U.S. SHIPS HEAD TO SOMALIA HIGH SCHOOL HONORS STUDENTS ARRESTED FOR HATE CRIMES FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW 10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS WHEN OVERPASS IS READY FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED CONNIE TIED, NUDE POLICEMAN TESTIFIES CALF BORN TO FARMER WITH TWO HEADS POLICE CAN'T STOP GAMBLING SPIRITUAL RENEWAL ENDS AT CHURCH More than 500 persons attended Friday night the final services of a two-week parish spiritual renewal at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Church. NUN TELLS HOW POPE TOUCHED HER: SPREADS SEEDS OF ECUMENISM THROUGHOUT SOUTH HEADLESS BODY FOUND IN TOPLESS BAR SEVERED HEAD OFFERS FEW ANSWERS PLEA FOR CUT IN PRICE OF FREE MILK MAN IS CHARGED WITH KILLING HIS MISSING WIFE On the arrival of the famous British ship Queen Elisabeth: ELECTRIC GIRDLE ON QUEEN ELIZABETH IS NAVEL SECRET. GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP 51/2 FOOT BOA CAUGHT IN TOILET; WOMAN RELIEVED CAROLINA INN LOSES LICENSE FOR RACISM STEALS CLOCK, FACES TIME DISMEMBERMENT KILLER CONVICTED: THANK GOD JURY COULD PUT PIECES TOGETHER CERVICAL CANCER LINKED TO SMOKING IN A STUDY REAGAN TO HAVE TISSUE REMOVED FROM NOSE DENTIST RECEIVES PLAQUE SOME PIECES OF ROCK HUDSON SOLD AT AUCTION GORILLAS VOW TO KILL KHOMEINI SOME WOMEN LOOSE BREASTS, FIND SELF-ESTEEM RAIN CLOUDS WELCOME AT AIRPORT POLICE ACT TO STOP URINATING IN PUBLIC PRESS TOURS RAVAGED CITY PROGRESS SLOW IN BEATING DEATH BLIND WOMAN FORCED BY COPS TO CLEAN UP AFTER HER GUIDE DOG ACCEPTS SETTLEMENT MAN FOUND BEATEN, ROBBED BY POLICE CEMETERY ALLOWS PEOPLE TO BE BURIED BY THEIR PETS BOY HURT IN ACCIDENT IN INTENSIVE CARE SHE KEEPS HIS BALLS WARM (referring to a billiards professional's wife keeping the billiard balls at room temperature-The Saturday Evening Post) X-RAYS OF DEAN'S HEAD REVEAL NOTHING. ELIGIBLE PET OWNERS CAN GET FREE NEUTERING WOMAN BORN FEBRUARY 29 HAS BABY SAME DAY. MEN BURST IN HOME, STEAL CASH 9 ('in' instead of 'into' causes the men to explode) EIGHT AMERICAN MEN LEFT FOR NINTH TIME IN 2 YEARS, LEOMINSTER TEEN DIES VIOLENTLY SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITTED SUICIDE IN SAN FRANCISCO FBI TO ASSIST POLICE IN LOWELL ROBBERY TWO-HEADED BABY RECALLS SIMILAR BIRTH IN 1970 FIREPROOF CLOTHING FACTORY BURNS TO GROUND NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABBIS INFANT MORALITY SHOWS DROP HERE SEX CANDLES PLAGUE POLITIClANS SUES BRIDE OF FOUR MOUTHS HOTEL BURNS. 200 GUESTS ESCAPE HALF GLAD MANY MAINE WOMEN LIVE UNDER THE TREAT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SOCKS LOWER IN TOKYO

CROWDS RUSHING TO SEE POPE TRAMPLE 6 TO DEATH BISHOP MCNULTEY DIES: "HAD CLEAR VISION OF WHAT THE CHURCH WANTED HIM TO DO" DIRECTOR OF TRUMAN LIBRARY KNOWS NEWSMAN'S PROBLEMS-HE WAS ONE MAN TRYING TO GET KITE ELECTROCUTED SUDDEN RUSH TO HELP PEOPLE OUT OF WORK SERIOUS CRIME DOWN, BUT MURDERS INCREASE [From the Rocky Mountain News, Denver, Colorado, 11 May 1988. ANOTHER BODY FOUND MISSING WOMAN COMMITS SUICIDE, SETS CAR AFIRE TWO TEENAGERS INDICTED FOR DROWNING IN LAKE DEATH OF BETTE DAVIS BRINGS FLOOD OF PRAISE A GRATEFUL NATION BURIES SAM RAYBURN FINLEY WON'T RELEASE DICK (a contract dispute between Oakland A's owner Charlie Finley and exmanager Dick Williams ) COLUMBUS DISCOVERED VIRGINS AND THEY ARE STILL FASCINATING FORMER STATE TROOPER LOSES APPEAL IN SEX CASE WOMAN TO DROP SUIT FOR SPERM WOMEN SOUGHT FOR STATE POLICE BEAUTY QUEEN UNVEILS BUST AT DEDICATION CEREMONY FATHER OF 9 FINED $100 FOR FAILING TO STOP DO-IT-YOURSELF PREGNANCY KIT TO GO ON SALE THOMPSON'S PENIS A SWORD (printer's gremlin; referring to a governor feared for his writings JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED AT NEARBY SCHOOL . PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER VINELAND COUPLE TO TAKE ON MISSIONARY POSITION Iraqi Head Seeks Arms New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include your Children When Baking Cookies DR. RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS STERILIZATION SOLVES PROBLEMS FOR PETS, OWNERS BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS CITY PACTS FIGHT BOILS EYE DROPS OFF SHELF TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS. SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE DOCTORS HELP TORCH VICTIM VOTER FEARS ALERT POLITICIANS FBI AGENT IN SUBWAY SHOOTS MAN WITH KNIFE YOUTH HIT BY CAR RIDING BICYCLE MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH . ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN '84 AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER 20- YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS $1 MILLION GIVEN TO BETTER SLUMS ASTRONAUTS PRACTICE LANDING ON LAPTOPS JUDGE PRESSES JACKSON'S SUIT MARCH PLANNED FOR NEXT AUGUST CASE OF STOLEN WHISKEY EXPECTED TO GO TO JURY FRESHMEN WOMEN OUTSTRIP MEN AT I.U. L.A. VOTERS APPROVE URBAN RENEWAL BY LANDSLIDE BENTON WOMAN IS HOSPITALIZED BY ACCIDENT MARIJUANA ISSUE SENT TO JOINT COMMITTEE HUMANA VOLUNTEERS TO FIGHT AGAINST CHILDREN USING TOBACCO MAGISTRATE ORDERS SHOOTING SUSPECT HELD WITHOUT BAIL DOG OWNER ORDERED TO PAY $ 1,OOO TO BITE VICTIM YELLOW PERCH DECLINE TO BE STUDIED HIGH COURT HELPS RAPE VICTIMS JAIL RELEASES UPSET JUDGES NINE DAYS AFTER DEATH, NIXON APPLAUDS SINGER TEEN IS STRUCK BY CAR TRYING TO CATCH BALL DEER INTERFERING WITH JETS BEING SHOT AT PHILLY AIRPORT TICK-BORNE ILLNESS KNOWN TO AFFECT DOGS FOUND IN HUMANS GRAHAM COUPLE IS ENTERTAINED ON 50TH WEDDING WOMEN COMPROMISE 26 PERCENT OF TOWN'S WORKERS ARE YOUNG AMERICANS BE GETTING STUPIDER?

truisms
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE .

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE .

SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY .

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES .

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN .

ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE .

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS .

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELINGS OF ISOLATION

JAIL MAY HAVE TO CLOSE DOORS

MAN FOUND DEAD IN CEMETERY

GUNFIRE IN SARAJEVO THREATENS CEASEFIRE

RELIGION PLAYS MAJOR PART IN MESSAGE OF EASTER

CITY HALL SAYS FLOODING IN LOWLANDS WAS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH WATER

ONLY RAIN WILL CURE DROUGHT

ECONOMIST USES THEORY TO EXPLAIN ECONOMY

BIBLE CHURCH'S FOCUS IS THE BIBLE

WHATEVER THEIR MOTIVES MOMS WHO KILL KIDS STILL SHOCK US

ALCOHOL ADS PROMOTE DRINKING

DROWNING OFTEN CAUSE OF DEATH IN OKLAHOMA

STUDY: DEAD PATIENTS USUALLY NOT SAVED

EXTINCT ANIMALS MAY LOSE PROTECTION

STUDENTS AT COLLEGES GROW OLDER

WARRING FACTIONS DON'T AGREE

CHILDBIRTH IS BIG STEP TO PARENTHOOD

MEMORIZATION ABILITY ATTRIBUTED TO BRAIN USE

LOW WAGES SAID KEY TO POVERTY

STUDY FINDS SEX PREGNANCY LINK

RESEARCHERS CALL MURDER A THREAT TO PUBLIC SAFETY

FEDERAL AGENTS RAID GUN SHOP, FIND WEAPONS

VERMONTER SAYS MORE SKIING GOES ON IN WINTER

NEVADA HAS WATER BUT IT CAN'T BE USED UNTIL FOUND

WIFE'S FAMILY: MAN WHO KILLED FAMILY NOT ALL GOOD

ALEXANDER HOPING PAST IS BEHIND HIM

NEW BAR EXAM TO INCLUDE
TEST OF LEGAL SKILLS

MISSOURI GAS CHAMBER IS UNSAFE

MURDER BY COMPANIONS AFFECTS
INMATE'S CHANCE FOR PAROLE

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

**********

MAN ARRESTED FOR POSSESSION OF HEROINE

PANEL AGREE TO MUCH SEX ON TELEVISION

VICTORY IN DSYLEXIA BATTLE

CHILD ABUSING PRIEST TO FACE NEW CHARGES

NATIONAL HUNTING GROUP TARGETING WOMEN

LEGISLATORS TAX BRAINS TO CUT DEFICIT

SCHOOL TAXPAYERS REVOLTING

ONE-LEGGED ESCAPEE STILL ON RUN

CELLULAR PHONES GROWING ON FARM

FIRST BLACK MAYOR, 5 RACES STILL UNDECIDED

DON'T TIE MY HANDS ON ARMS, REAGAN ASKS RADIO AUDIENCE

POLICE SEEK AID FROM PUBLIC IN SLAYING OF MAN

TWO CARS COLLIDE, ONE SENT TO HOSPITAL

Planned Parenthood Looking for Volunteers.”

“Carey Meets a Father of Retarded Son, 16, After 9-month Delay.”

“Cemetery buries crime victim every 2 days.”

FRIED CHICKEN COOKED IN MICROWAVE WINS TRIP

MAN JUMPS OFF 2ND STREET BRIDGE
NEITHER JUMPER NOR BODY FOUND

LEGISLATOR WANTS TOUGHER DEATH PENALTY

INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES

WOMAN IMPROVING AFTER FATAL CRASH

MANY WHO MOVE TO FLORIDA LEAVE AFTER DEATH

PROPERLY DRAFTED WILL REDUCES ANXIETY AFTER DEATH

MOTHER OF 18
CHILDREN IN TROUBLE AGAIN

DEAD COYOTE FOUND IN BRONX LAUNCHES SEARCH FOR ITS MATE

STUDY: THOSE WITHOUT
INSURANCE DIE MORE OFTEN

42 PERCENT OF ALL MURDERED WOMEN
ARE KILLED BY THE SAME MAN

EXPERTS INCREASE PROBABILITY
OF BIG QUAKE IN CALIFORNIA

FREE VACCINATIONS SOUGHT
FOR EVERY CHILD BY CLINTON

ADULTS THINK TEENS HAVING
MORE SEX THAN THEY ARE

BARBARA BUSH TALKS ABOUT HER LIFE, ABORTION, HOMOSEXUALITY

PIANIST TO PRESENT CONCERT OF SCARED MUSIC THIS SUNDAY

FDR IN BED WITH COED.
(instead of with a cold - The Washington Post )

ALLIES PUSH BOTTLES UP lO,OOO GERMANS
(Advances by the Allied forces in World War II contained the German forces)

IDAHO BRIDES CAN'T TAKE HEAVY G.I.
(the printer carelessly dropped a g.instead of bridges)

POLICE WANT TO SEE MORE
OF MAN WHO EXPOSED HIMSELF

VIRGIN TO PROVIDE WEEKEND EXCITEMENT
(Famous runner Craig Virgin will enter the local race)

SURGERY FOR BUTTS
(New England Patriots running back Marion Butts needs an operation)

HELEN WILLS MOODY ON 3-WEEK HONEYMOON
(Tennis champion Helen Wills Moody is on her honeymoon)

DEAD GUITARIST NOW SLIMMER AND TRIMMER
(about Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry Garcia)

“Consent to Medical Treatment by the Mentally Ill.”
[Headline in The Lancet, February 9, 1985. Submitted by Dr. Eugene G. Laforet, Newton Lower Falls, Massachusetts.]

Mental Health Prevention Office Opens”
[headline in The State Scene June 1980, p. 15]

“Elena Nikolaidi Gives Distinguished Rectal.”
[Headline above a review of a song recital in the Louisvile, Kentucky Courier-Journal, quoted in Medical Economics, 5 December 1960. Submitted by Alma Denny, NY ]

“Stiff Prices at Auction of Erotic Art.”
[Headline in the New York Post, 10 December 1987. Submitted by John B. Rockwell, New York City.]

The new British Library--sitting comfortably on enlarged piles.”
[Sidebar headline in the New Scientist, 27 March 1986:28. Submitted by Cornelius Van S. Roosevelt, Washington, DC.]