The following testimony was made up by Richard Lederer, but what follows then is on public record.
"Well, now, Mrs. Bagley, tell the court all about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh no, But we do have a car port."
"Well, does your husband beat you up?"
"No, I'm always the first one out of bed each morning.
"Do you still have relations?"
"Certainly. Two of my aunts, one uncle, and four cousins are still alive."
What I'm trying to find out is what grounds you have."
"Why, bless you, sir. We live in an apartment and we don't even have a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. Bagley, what exactly is your reason for seeking a divorce?"
"I'll tell you. It's because my husband and I can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

Authentic statements made during the proceedings :
Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. And can you show us a copy of that oral agreement?

Defense Attorney: If the hand were on the other foot, ..

You were there until the time you left,is that true?
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
In your opinion, how far apart were these vehicles at the exact time of collision?
The 24th of December? Was that the day before Christmas?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Just how long have you known your brother?
Have you ever smelled an odorless solvent before?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
So, besides your wife and children, do you have any other anials or pets?
Now you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there has been a victim?
So you were gone until you returned?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Just so I understand: it doesn't hurt when you have sex?
A: No, it doesn't hurt.
Q: Since that time-well, let me put it this way. Nowadays, do you ever have trouble getting an erection ?
A: It's harder than before.

Q: What happened next?
A: I woke up unconscious in the hospital

Q. Can you describe that individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this a male or a female?

Q. Have you ever tried to commit suicide?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Were you ever successful?

Q. Answer the question. When did they have a knife at your throat?
A. That was a figure of speech.
Q. So they had a figure of speech at your throat?

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Let me get this straight, Mrs. Clarkson. Despite the fact that you had hired detectives to watch your husband's every move, you yourself stood on that corner every night, in all kinds of weather, watching your husband and a woman enter the house, seeing the lights go on downstairs, and then shortly after that in an upstais bedroom, and then some minutes later turned out entirely. Why in the world did you do it?
A: I just wanted to be near my husband.

A woman charged with adultery :
Q: Young lady, just how do you justify your course of conduct?
A: Well, Judge, I gave him all he wanted. I kept him happy. I don't see why he should be concerned about what I did with my leftovers.

Q: What did you see when the accused took down his pants?
A: Well, it looked like a penis, only smaller.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter .
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes.
Q. Was this before or after she died?

Q. Is that a person you ever had any further dealings with after that?
A. He is dead.
Q. But did you have any further dealings with him after that?

Q: Well, you're a pretty big man,aren't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: How big would you say?
A: Oh, about eight inches.

Q: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
A: No

Q. Do you remember everything that happened that night?
A. No, I don't remember it all.
Q. What part don't you remember about what happened that night?

Q. What were his motions?
A. To pull over out of the road.
Q. And he did that by giving you a hand signal and pointed his arm in the direction which he wanted you to go?
A. Yes.
Q. And he was alive when he was doing this?

Q: What was your speed at the time of the impact?
A: I don't know how fast I was going because I wasn't looking at the speed thermometer .

Q: How did your accident happen?
A: I was walking across the room and I slipped and fell on a wet spot on my back.

Q: Did the defendant have an erection?
the Defense: Objection. Calls for expert medical opinion.
The Court: I don't think so.

Q: But the anesthesiologist did not assist you in the operation?
A: No.
Q: But merely monitored her unconscious condition and passed gas. That sort of thing, right?

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know

Q. Are you married, sir?
A. Yes.
Q. And to whom are you married?
A. My wife.

Q. Were you leaning up against the shut door or open door?
A. A shut door. How can you lean against an open door? There's a hole there. You'd fall through the hole.

Q. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Dunnington at the Rose Chapel?
A. It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: Mr. Smith, I believe your prior testimony before lunch was that you were not arguing with Sam Stevens outside the bar .
A: No.
Q: Is that correct?
A: No, I wasn't.
Q: You were not arguing?
A: No.
Q: No, you were not arguing?
A: No, I wasn't.
Q: You were not arguing.
A: No.
Q: Is it correct that you were not arguing with Mr. Stevens?
A: Yes.
Q: Yes?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A. 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

The Court: Do you have a motion to make at this time?
Attorney: Yes. At this time, Your Honor, we would move that the jury be discharged and the jury be hung because of inability to reach a verdict.

Attorney: (in the middle of along crossexamination) Your Honor, one of the jurors is asleep.
The Court: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.

Q. And Mr. Dunnington was dead at that time, is that correct?
A. No, you dumb asshole, he was sitting there on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Q. Trooper, was the defendant obviously drunk when you arrested her?
DEFENSE COUNSEL. Objection, Your Honor.
JUDGE. Sustained.
Q. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. What did she say?
A. "What disco amI at?

Q. Did you check to see if he was breathing?
A. No.
Q. Did you listen for his heartbeat?
A. No.
Q. Well, how could you be sure he was dead?
A. I've got his brain in a jar on my desk, but I guess he could be walking around practicing law somewhere.

Q. Was the defendant like a son to you?
A. Yes.
Q. And was he like a daughter to your wife?

Q. You say this woman shot her husband with his pistol at close range.
A. Yes, sir, that's right.
Q. Any powder marks on his body?
A. Yes, sir, that's why she shot him.

Q. Did you leave a note on the other car that you had been the one who damaged his car?
A. Yes.
Q. Do you still have that note?

Q. Mr. Sullivan, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A. I went to Europe, sir.
Q. And you took your new wife?

Q. How many years have you been a polygamist?
A. Well, I have only one wife, but I have been a polygraphist for 20 years.

Q. You know he died in May of 1994?
A. Well, I knew he died in 1994.
Q. So you met him just before he died for the first time? Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Where did you go next?
A: Over by the hill where all the people conjugate.

Q: Do you have copies of those estimates?
A: I don't know.
Q: Do you have copies of the purchase orders?
A: I don't know. Q: Do you know who would know?
A: Do I know who would know? Yes.
Q: Who?
A: Me, if I knew.

Q. And this card contains a print of each finger of Mr. McGinty's'hands; is that correct?
A. It's all five fingers of the right hand, all five fingers of the left hand, plus all four fingers and the thumbs.

Q. And what is your brother's name?
A. Gerald Gassa, the same name as my last name, but his first is Gerald.
Q. How old is Gerald?
A. He's a year younger than me.
Q. And how old are you?
A. I'm a year older than him.

Q. How far apart are the rungs on the ladder?
A. They're usually about 12 inches to a foot.

Q. Mr. Gonzales, where do you live?
A. Mexia, Texas.
Q. Have you lived in Mexia all your life?
A. Not yet.

Q. Ma'am, you say your husband beat you?
A. Yes. I even went to the hospital.
Q. Well, did you ever give him provocation?
A. ( tearfully) He could have had it any time he wanted!

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the whole ordeal?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the ordeal and the navel.

LAWYER: You signed the death certificate?
PATHOLOGIST: Yes.
Q. Before you signed the certificate, did you take his pulse ?
A. No.
Q. When was the first time you dropped out of class because of fatigue or memory problems?
A. I don't recall. I can't remember.

THE COURT: The undated letter in the file purportedly signed by you states you missed your last court date be cause your aunt was in the hospital dying of prostate cancer.
A. That's right, and she's still in there, too.
THE COURT: Sir, your aunt doesn't have a prostate.
A. Oh.

Q. Miss, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself.

Q. You say my client had sex with you?
A. Uh-huh.
Q. Tell the jury, is my client circumcised or uncircumcised.
A. I don't know him that well. I don't think he even goes to church.

Q. Did you blow your horn or anything?
A. After the accident?
Q. Before the accident.
A. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A. We both do.
Q. Voodoo?
A. We do.
Q. You do!
A. Yes, voodoo.

Q. When was the next occasion that you had difficulty with your wife?
A. April 27th, I believe it was, when she backed over me with the automobile.

Q. Do you know whether your husband was born in wedlock ?
A No he was born in Owen Sound.

Q. What is your date of birth?
A. October 1910.
Q. Do you remember the day?
A. No, but I've been told about it.

JUDGE. Do you know what that oath you have just taken means?
DEFENDANT. Yeah. It means if I swear to lie, I gotta stick to it.

The Court: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to answer yes or no, the jury needs to hear "yes" or "no," not "uh-huh's, okay?"
Witness: "Uh-huh."

Q, Did you notify Mr. Davis you wanted him to return the cab?
A. Yes, I sent him a letter to return the cab by registered mail.

COUNSEL. I have no further questions of this obviously incompetent witness.
THE WITNESS. Did you say "incontinent" or "incompetent?"
COUNSEL. Both. You are just pissing in the wind anyway.

fifteen-year-old boy accused of stealing a car and leading the police on a high-speed car chase, was appearing in juvenile court for the second time before the same judge.
DEFENDANT. But Judge, I did it for you.
JUDGE. What? You did it for me?
DEFENDANT. Oh, yes, Judge. That last time I was in trouble I promised you I would never get arrested again-and I was just trying to keep my promise.

defendant, "Your Honor, as God is my judge, I didn't do it. I'm not guilty."
judge, "He isn't! I am! You did! You are!

Q. Now it's a fact, isn't it, that whenever your husband leaves town on his job as an over-the-road truck driver, another man comes to live in your house?
A. That's a lie! My husband is not an over-the-road truck driver!

Q. Have you changed your mind about your dissolution of marriage?
A. No, I'm still disillusioned.

Q. Please describe the woman.
A. This young lady walked very close to me, and it was obvious that underneath her clothing she wore nothing.

Q. Did the perpetrator have facial hair?
A. Yes. Eyebrows.

Q. Did you see him bite off the plaintiff's ear?
A. Nope, Your Honor, but I did see him spit it out.

Q. Are you seeing a psychiatrist now?
A. Yes.
Q. What's the psychiatrist's name?
A. Dr. Kwak.

Q. You told her that before the surgery?
A. I said we could probably save the toes, but I don't know about the foot.

Q. Mr. Gonzales, can you read and write and understand the English language?
A. Si.

Q. Where was the security officer in relation to you when you were struck by a car?
A. To my left.
Q. How far to your left?
A. I don't really remember. I was getting run over at the time.

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Joumal, the following are questions actually asked by attorneys during trials:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A:Every year.
**
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
**
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy ?
Q: And why did that upset you ?
A: My name is Susan.
**
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
**
Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be three months November 8th.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?
**
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
**
Were you aquainted with the deceased?
Yes, sir.
Before or after he died?
**
What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
No.
**

**
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
**
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
**
...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
**
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.
**
And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it
**
How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney, and said he was really good
**
What is your marital status?
Fair
**
How many times have you committed suicide?
Four times
**
You say you are innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch
Your Honour, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
**
Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honour, we're all alike - temporarily insane.
**
At the time you first saw Dr.McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?
**
Who did she say she was?
She said she was the owner of the dog's wife
**
I understand you are Bernie Davis's mother.
Yes.
How long have you known him?
**
Are you the person in this picture?
Yes.
And you were present when that picture was taken, right?
**
As an officer of the Dodge city Police Department, did youm stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
Yes, sir.
Was the vehicle occupied at the time?
**
Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
Immediately before the impact my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.
**
What did you do to prevent the accident?
I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.
**
Where were you on the bike at that time?
On the seat.
I mean where is the street?
**