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“...EXTERMINATING: We are trained to kill all pets ...’ [From an ad in TV Hi-Lites (Flushing, New York), December 27-Jan 2, 1988. Submitted by Dennis Wepman, Bronx.] Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. The Macon County Humane Society offers a free spay/neutering to senior citizens if they adopt an animal out of the animal shelter. Be sure the gift of a pet is a welcome gift. Remember, you get what you pay for. And at Hub Furniture Store, you pay less. We are proud of the part we have played in the tremendous growth of our city.-Valley Mattress Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound that's intensely annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet in diameter. Try our cough syrup. You will never get any better. Grafton County's only full-sized community newspaper! Disturbing to over 18,000 households per week! Why not have the kids shot for Easter, or have a family portrait taken? What have you to lose? Marsden Park is the biggest park of its size in Central North Dakota. AUTOMATIC BLANKET Ensure sound sleep with one of our dealers GIVE US YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES Ladies! If you drive by our new launderette and drop off your clothes, you will receive very special attention! CARVEL ACADEMY In beautiful New Hampshire. Coeducational. Special openings for boys Monadnock Hospice: For patients who need help facing death and their loved ones Artie's Restaurant and Yogurt Parlor: 'An Alternative to Good Eating." Facilities include two tennis courts, an 18-hole swimming facility, and a health club. ad for a bookcase: Simple assembly, requiring only a flat-head and Phillips screwdriver. You can order our rings by post. State size or enclose a string tied around your finger. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Have an immediate opening for a first-class stenographer, preferably one with some business sexperience Sears Convertible Free-Arm Sewing Machine Built-In Buttholer! All the chicken you can eat. This is the same delicious chicken we have been serving for the past five years. If any piece proves defective, we will replace it with one of similar quality. Saturday 10:00 A.M. Easter Matinee. Every child laying an egg in the doorman's hand will be admitted free. We want your eggs, and we want them bad. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 4:15 PM. PHIL DONAHUE; 60 min. Scheduled topic: suicide. (Live) NOW ACCEPTING applications for cooks between 2 and 5. Springer Spaniel female whose owner desires to mate w/beautiful male, liver & white springer thoroughbred with AKC papers. ATTENTION: new mothers, grandparents, baby shoes bronzed or personalized. Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt. New England Embroidery purses featuring Loons designed by Ann Webster and other native birds. Buy 6, get 2! What a treat is in store for those who dine here. It is impossible ta prepare a palatable meal for the price we ask. Don't break your back taking care of your lawn. Let us do it for you! Return this certificate to the Salvation Army with your Christmas gift and the reply form below to help provide Toys for Hurting Children. Rebel Lube Service Center Free Earwash with Lube & Oil Change Only Lose all your weight for only $68 $100 reward for information leading to the arrest and convistion of person who took wench from my Dodge Power Wagon To the memory of George Parker, passed away September 10. Peace at last. From all the neigbours on his block Jack's Laundry. Leave your clothes here And spend the afternoon Having a good time. Hummel's-Largest Selection Ever "If it's in stock, we have it!" Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7-$9 per hour. Dog training: Private and group class will teach your family and pet off-leash obedience. The PTA is holding a rummage sale on Thursday. Please bring your rummage by Wednesday. Vernon McLaren, Jr., PC Attorney at law lO percent Off Free Consultation Free: farm kittens, ready to eat Women having trouble getting pregnant are turning to Dr. Atherton. See ladies blouses. 50% off! Our Spellwriter has the power to check spelling of words within a document in as many as eight different languages. And this is only the tip of the iceburg. Accuratley Yours: Professional word processing company. Open 24 hours each day. Writing clearly is essential to today's high tech, information-oriented society. This course assures you have a basic understanding of grammer and punctuation. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. WARNER'S BUY 6, GET 2!” [From a Macy's advertisement, The Philadelphia Inquirer, 29 November 1990. Submitted by Irene H. Cotton, Philadelphia.] AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Emergency service available.” [classified advertisement in TV Facts, week of June 19, 1983.] Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too Replacement Insurance Company. Without it, your lice will never be the same. Our Brake and Tire Service Will Keep You Coming Back. Mattress company slogan: Why Not Sleep With the Best? Men and Women Heels: 1/2 Price. Bracelets $8.00 Neckless $10.00 Stock up and save. Limit: one. GLASS. 24 hours. Day or night. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong Dentist: Teeth extracted by latest Methodists. Store ad: Semi-Annual Clearance Sale Once-In-A-Lifetime Opportunity A sign in Cairo,advertising donkey rides: Would you like to ride on your own ass? Microsoft: You'll get a grammer checker and a spelling checker Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. ATTENTION: If you're looking for a quiet lot with a large pond for your mobile home, we have the place for you. On a grocery bag: Save-Rite Proudly Supports Muscular Dystrophy. Ace termite and pest control. Complete satisfaction or your money back. Ideal for children and pets. XYZ Motors is the oldest Saab dealer in the Upper Valley since 1968. Consummate your marriage in one of our beautiful gowns. At the Cleveland Clinic, some of our surgeons can add years to your life. Others are equally expert at reversing the process. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. “From its rich nappa leather and pigskin lining to its supple comfort, the Prestige tennis shoe spoils your feet.” [From an advertisement by Prince in The New Yorker, 30 June 1986:47.] The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. “Better than a hotel. Luxury suites, elegantly furnished with daily maid & linen service.” [From an advertisement for Bristol Plaza in New York Magazine (repeatedly). Submitted by Ruth S. Agin, Flushing, New York.] Our menu is guaranteed to wet your appetite. Our sauce compliments our salad. Full coarse meals. Carats, 2 for 39 cents. Dinner special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. We Make It! You Bake It! Pizza. Why call & wait 30 minutes for a pizza to be delivered when you can Take-N-Bake from Buscemis. Take home & cook yourself in 10 minutes fresh out of your own oven. Mat tie's. Yogurt and Ice Cream Parlor "An Alternative to Good Eating" Cupid's Restaurant. Beautiful ladies to serve you. We've Upped Our Standards. Up Yours. There will be plenty to eat: hot dogs, hamburgers, children under 12, only a dollar. Hot males delivered to your home in minutes. Family Physician. Hours: 10:30-12:20-3:30-4:45, Monday-Friday, 10:30-11:45 Saturday. Limited Amount of Patience. 24-Hour Money Center Hours of Operation: 6 A.M. until 6 P.M., seven days a week Almost Open 24 Hours ad for a community health center: How to talk to your kids about sex, even if you've never done it before. Widows made to order. Send us your specifications. Same- Day Dry Cleaning-All Garments Ready in 48 Hours Ad for answering machine: you may leave messages of any length up to five minutes. Right after the start of the Palestinian uprising, an English-language tourism advertisement "Jerusalem is just a stone's throw from Tel Aviv." Buy one dozen free and get another half dozen. Publicize your business absolutely free. Send $ 6. Once he'd gone past the point of no return, there was no going back. Turn your coins into cash today.

CLASSIFIEDS WANTED Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. Mother's helper - peasant working conditions. Editors and Proff Readers-Must be good in spelling and grammer. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Help for parents of children with attention deficit and lystexia. 100-year-old bridge repairers. A steady young woman to wash, iron, and milk two cows. Waitresses. Male or female may apply. Emotionally Handicapped Teacher Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. SWF wanted, 18-25. Attractive and physically fat. Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Dairy Queen seeking person w/ supervisory and fat food restaurant experience SM, 36, professional, financially/emotionally secure, seeking SWF, 22-38, who likes to travel and experience different vultures. HELP WANTED: Law firm needs secretary. Excellent benefits, including tension. Busy lawyer seeks alert young woman to serve as deceptionist. Join a friendly professional team at Newport Hospital. Various 8, 10 & 12 hour shits are available. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. DEATH NOTICES--Man 62, has nicely balanced personality, disposition & looks Seeks a Wife.” [From the Sunday Star, January 25, 1981] Medical Consultant... in a growing company which manages medical malpractice. [From an employment ad of Risk Management Foundation of the Harvard Medical Institutions, Inc., in the Boston Globe, 21 June 1992. Submitted by Adam G.N. Moore, Squantum, Massachusetts.] 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. FOR SALE An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. “Coin--$10 gold embezzled.” [Classified advertisement in the Orlando Sentinel, 21 December 1987. Submitted by Paul Pink, Orlando, Florida.] Pointsetters, from 4 inches to 4 feet high. 27 Acres. Nicely wooded. White bitch and oak. Turkey Carpet for Sale good condition the property of a lady too large for her rooms. Beautiful rocking baby cradle, solid cherry, 110 years old, original owner. Wow! Ferrari, red, with buckskin leather: 1984 308 GTSi QV; 1 owner with removable top. Treadmill $100, stair-stepper $75, mini trampoline $10, Thigh master $10, crutches $10. Grand piano for sale by young lady with mahogany legs. Computer with 40MB hard dick String of perils, 30 years old, with box. Bulldog For Sale. Will eat anything - very fond of children “HONDA '82 PRELUDE. Fully loaded, electric sunroof, radial tires, hurry this won't last long.” [From The Los Angeles Times, 21 February 1982] For Sale-Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. FORECLOSURE SALE: 2 Story 8 Room Saltbox Home With 3.48 Acres of Land & Panasonic Views. Home. $199,500. Great Location. 2/3s of an acre with 4 bedrooms, 2-bath, brick Cape. Built the way they used to. Won't last. MUST SELL: 3 grave spaces in Laureland, very reasonable. Plus air-conditioner. MUST SELL: Health food store, due to failing health. FOR SALE: Instant coffee table. POR SALE: Used girl's bicycle, a green girl's coat, an old baby's carriage, a large woman's purse, an old-fashioned girl's wagon, an unused woman's fur coat. FOR SALE; Hunting Camp. Completely fur nished. Assessable year round. Typewriter: works for only $10. FOR SALE: Braille dictionary. Must see to appreciate! Call Jerry. Snow Blower for Sale Only Used on Snowy Days '83 Toyota Hunchback-$2000 For sale: Occasional chairby lady with carved clawed feet Nice parachute-never opened-slightly stained Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer & dryer. $300. Like new, 16-gauge shotgun for sale cheap. Also wedding dress and veil. African Grey Parrot, tame and talking with cage Aunt and Roach Killer-$1.29. A cross-cut saw by a Lyndon man with newly sharpened teeth Very unique home in downtown Craigsville. Large lot. Many trees. One you will enjoy living in. Josephine, please take me back.It was just a passing fanny. Your George "Israeli professor 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good." Doctor, 50 years old, wants to meet beautiful SWF, 23-29, to spoil and share the good things of life. 3-room apt. incl. heat, hot water, stove, refrig., smoke alarm, single female. "Professional man, 45, head on a stick, seeks similar woman." (the word actually dictated: hedonistic) SEEKING SOMEONE SPECIAL: SWM seeks SP who is easy-going, sense of humor, who enjoys romantic evenings, life. Loves animals for friendship, possible relationship. Elderly woman seeks female to share house & perform cleaning & some nursing assistance. Must be a nonsmoker & drinker. Widow 73, would like to meet gent with a car of similar age. GIRL. Reliable, wants afternoon work five lays a week. Man, honest. Will take anything. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Allow me to recycle your unwanted children and infant clothing. Free pickup. LOST: A walking stick by an elderly man with a curiously carved ivory head LOST Dog-Mixed breed, shaggy, left front leg amputated, missing top of right ear, partially blind, bad case of mange, tail was broken and healed crooked, some teeth gone, scars on head and back, has been castrated. Answers to name of Lucky. Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family. “LOST & FOUND--Found vicinity of 24th-28th & South, male brindle Boxer, wearing choke chain with broken lease.” LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered, and declawed. LOST: Friday night, a small, red-faced lady's wristwatch; sentimental value LOST. 2-year-old brown male Datsun, very well behaved and friendly. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. FOR RENT. Bridal suite. Adults only. FOR RENT. Front room, suitable for two ladies, use of kitchen or two gentlemen. FOR RENT. Fully furnished house. Includes three toilets. $200 per wee. “Our authoritative appraisal (on our letterhead) is essential for appropriate insurance and your own piece of mind. An appointment is necessary for this important service.” [From an advertisement for Jacobs, jewelers, in the Minneapolis Tribune, January 18, 1981] Want to make a little extra money ? If you are interested, call 555-5555/leave mess. “Now for 24 hours a day, I can sleep, swim and be completely active!” [An ad for hair replacement, from The New York Times 19 August 1984. Submitted by Rosemary Darmstadt, Glendale, New York.] Use our medicine and you can kiss your hemorrhoids goodbye! Kinney shoe stores: We only sell the right shoe. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Try Lifebuoy soap for around-the-cock protection. Sale: All Furniture Slashed! Ad for a portable camp shower: TWO SCREWS AND YOU'RE READY FOR A SHOWER Feline Ultramilk is a low-lactose milk replacement for cats packaged in a disposable carton. In a flier for a child-abuse charity golf tournament: To stop child abuse, shoot a hole in one. MEDICAL MALPRACTICE. Former military attorneys specializing in claims arising out of military and VA hospitals. Free Consultation-No Fee Unless You Recover. Narcolepsy Support Group, a new group for individuals who suffer from this sleep disorder and their families, will begin at 2 PM. Law -firm ad: If you have experienced accident, injury , or even death, please call us­ . . . There is no trace of any commission for this work, although Handel might have written it as an act of praise for his recovery from paralysis the following year.” [from an advertisement in The Musical Heritage Review, IV: 14] “As soon as doctors will allow me,... I will share again my emotions at Carnegie Hall with the public that respects the past of an fartist and gives him hope for the future.” [From an advertisement in The New York Times, 20 May 1996] SECRETARIAL/CLERICAL-Excellent word processing & typing skills. Conscious, creative and detail oriented. AVAILABLE. French speaking secretary who speaks floorless English. AVAILABLE. Work Skills: Strong on interpersonal relationships, typing, filing, and reproduction. HAVE FAMILY, would like to exchange for home in Amsterdam. KFC Express! Grand Opening Special "Super Value Meal Deal". 10 pieces of children, 5 hot wings, large taters, large salad, and one liter ice cream for only $19.99. (KFC = Kentucky Fried Children?) Giant Stuff-A-Pumpkin Bag. Have fun stuffing this giant pumpkin with friends & family . Great Halloween parties! Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster. A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.