Tom and Fred were coming out of a corn field on the opening day of Minnesota's pheasant season. Passing in front of them on the road was a hearse and long procession of cars, escorted by a police car. Tom stopped, called his dog, took his cap off, and stood quietly at the side of the road with his dog while the funeral procession passed by. Once it had passed, Tom and his dog rejoined Fred.
"Wow" Fred exclaimed, "You sure do show alot of respect for the dead!"
"Jane was a hell of a wife." Tom replied, "I'm going to miss her."
A cocky young boy was ice fishing one Minnesota winter. Despite his patience, he couldn't get even one nibble. Compounding his frustration was an old man, not twenty feet from him, who caught much more than his share throughout the day.
"Hey old man", yelled the boy. "How'd you catch so many fish?"
"MM-mmmuh-MMMh-mmhh", replied the man.
"What did you say?"
"MM-mmmuh-MMMh-mmhh", replied the man.
Ptwt!!! spat the man. "You got to keep your worms warm, boy!!!"
There were two old boys from Florida who just love to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Minnesota, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.
They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The baitshop man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
This beautiful blonde decides she's gonna surprise her boyfriend by learning how to ice fish. So she gets her gear, ventures out, finds a spot on the ice, sets up her umbrella, table, capaccino...
She picked up her auger, and began to bore a hole in the ice. A voice from on high roars: "There are no fish under that ice!" So she looks over her shoulder, then picks up her things, find another spot on the ice, sets up her umbrella, sips on her capaccino...
She again begins to bore herself a hole in the ice. Again, the voice from on high roars: "There are no fish under that ice!" Again, she looks over her shoulder, picks up her things, finds new spot...
Just as she begins to bore a hole in the ice, the voice again says: "There are no fish under that ice!" So she turns, looks around, and nervously asks, "Are you God?"
To which the voice answered: "No, I own the ice rink!"
This joke I heard from a Packer fan...
One season, the Vikings and Packers ended the year tied. Every tiebreaker the NFL had was used to break the tie, but the tie remained. Which team would be the NFC Central Champion?
The NFL office was consulted. They said to figure it out locally, something like a coin toss would be fine.
Well, Minnesota and Wisconsin being the fishing states they are, someone got the idea of a 3-day fishing contest. Both teams agreed.
On the first day, the Packers caught 100 fish, while the Vikings caught none. On the second day, the Packers again caught fish, 200 this time. Once again, the Vikings were skunked.
Things were looking bad for the Vikings - the Viking coach was desperate. He called one of his players aside, and dressed him in green and gold. "Go over to the Packer camp and find out what they're doing!" he was told.
The Viking player returned a couple of hours later. "I know what they're doing Coach!" he reported excitedly. "Well what is it? asked the Coach.
"They're drilling holes thru the ice...." came the reply.
The was a duck hunter who was tired of hunting with out a dog. He did research and read about the various breeds, then began to visit breeders and their kennels.
One breeder particularly impressed the hunter. His dogs were well behaved, obeyed well, looked healthy. The breeder was very emphatic about his dogs, especially with their training for hunting waterfowl. He even offered to show the hunter his dog under real field conditions.
The breeder and hunter took Jake, the dog, to a nearby wetland. The breeder stopped his truck by the road, let Jake out, then told the hunter "Now we wait". Jake took off toward the wetland. After about 15 minutes, Jake returned. He sat down, raised his right foot, and barked three times.
"What does that mean?" the hunter asked.
"Three puddle ducks" the breeder replyed.
"I don't believe it." the hunter responded.
"Ok - we'll check" retorted the breeder, and he started walking toward the water. As they approached the water, three mallards got up.
"Wow - thats fantastic" said the hunter, "I'll take him". So the hunter got out his checkbook, and Jake became a member of the hunters household.
Duck season opend. The hunter and Jake approached the first wetland. Jake was sent in, and soon returned. He sat down, raised his right foot, and barked once. The hunter approached the water, and soon took a fat mallard. So went the season. One day, Jake raised his left foot, and barked 4 times. Puzzled, the hunter approached the pond, and jumped two pair of divers. "Ah-ha" the hunter murmured.
Soon it was the last day of duck season. The hunter and Jake went hunting. Jake was sent in, as the usual practice. Soon he returned, barking as fast as he could, he didn't sit, instead, he grabbed the hunters leg with his paws and legs, and began to hump against the hunters leg.
The hunter was shocked, he pushed Jake away. "Bad dog!" he shouted. But Jake wasn't done. He next grabbed a stick, and started shaking it from side to side.
The hunter had enough. He pointed his shotgun at Jake and shot him! Then he drove to the to the kennel, furious with the behavior of Jake. He demanded his money back.
Once the hunter calmed down enough to tell the whole story, the breeder just shook his head in disgust.
"You don't understand, do you?" he asked. "Whats to understand - the dog went crazy." the hunter replied.
"Don't you see?" the breeder asked. "Jake was telling you that there were more f*****g ducks on that pond than you could shake a stick at."
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Shortly after she anchored the boat, a fish policeman came by in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman. "That's true, but you have all the equipment."
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance Lord?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Minnesota, the most glorious place on all the earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. Acres and acres of timber, grassy meadows, an abundance of fish and game. The people from Minnesota are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about the balance?! God?" "You said there would be balance!"
God grinned and nodded wisely be he replied "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa, Wisconsin.
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, these state tourism councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, 90 and 94 go two ways--Interstates 29, 35 & 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell, its a long story..." replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box,"said Ole.
"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks.
The genie immediately hopped back into the tackle box and left Sven waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard! There were so many ducks, the sounds of the wings was like thunder!
Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
Ole replied "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
Lars helped Ole load the buck on the truck, then took some pictures. It was only then that he thought of Lena. "By the vay, vhere is Lena?" Lars asked.
"Oh - she is in da' voods 'bout 2 miles back vit a broken leg" Ole replied.
"You left Lena in da' voods?!" Lars yelled.
"It vas a hard choice" Ole nodded, "but no one is going to steal Lena..."
Ole was out on the lake one day in the fall. A loon flew by, and he shot it. Then he took it home, cleaned it, cooked and ate it. Well, as these things go, the local game warden heard about the offense, and came looking for Ole. When questioned by the warden, Ole admited he had done the deed. Ole was subsequently ticketed, taken to court, and fined by the local judge.
After the court appearance, the warden was curious, and asked Ole about it. "Say Ole, what did that loon taste like"?
Ole replied - "'Vell, it vas pretty good - Kind of like a cross b'tween Bald Eagle and Trumpeter Svan..."
Minnesota's fishing opener was fast approaching. Ole called Sven to to see if he was interested in making the trip "Oop Nort'" to fish for the big ones.
Ole, knowing that Sven enjoyed a brew now and then, informed Sven that he had a couple cases of beer that he was bringing.
Sven said "I vould love to go fishing Ole, but I have a case of diarrhea." To which Ole replied "Vell, bring it along, ve'll drink dat too!"
Ole and Sven were having a good time while fishing on a small lake in northern Minnesota. They were drinking beer and feeling no pain when Ole hooked a big one. His prize catch was no fish though; it was a lamp and when he rubbed it a magic Genie popped out.
The Genie was grateful to be set free and to reward his rescuers, he granted them one wish. Without hesitation, Sven blurted out that he wanted the entire lake to turn into beer. The Genie nodded his head and the lake was instantly transformed into a sea of beer.
Ole was furious - he turned to Sven and yelled "You idiot, vhy did you have the Genie turn the lake into beer?". Sven was surprised Ole's anger and asked "Vhat is wrong with a lake full of beer? Ve’ll never run out of beer while were fishing again." Ole replied, "Yes the beer is great, but now ve’ll have to pee in the boat!"
Sven got a new truck ya know. So he calls up Ole and says, "Ole, I got me a new truck! Do you vant to go ice fishin' vith me?" "Sure!" says Ole. So Ole vent vith Sven (Lena come along too cuz she vas doin' nuttin' anyvay).
Vell, Sven and Lena sat in the front seat and Ole sat in the bed of the truck. Dey vere on de ice ven all of de sudden de truck vent right through the ice! Now even though Sven and Lena are pretty big people, dey managed to get out of the truck, up to the surface, and back on top of the ice. They vere getting pretty worried about not seeing Ole when he finally popped up.
After helping Ole get back on the ice, Sven says, "Ole vat took you so long?"
"Vell," says Ole, It took me a vhile to figure out how to open de tail gate."
Lars and Torvald are out deer hunting in the big voods in northern Minnesota when Torvald falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Lucky for him, Lars vas dere, and whipped out his new fangled cell phone, and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! Vhat can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead......"
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the eye witness reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!" Ole is survived by his wife Lena and her good friend, Lars.
Got a joke? Send it to me, I'll put it here, and you will get the credit. Put "Minnesota Joke" on the subject line.
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