|August 21st 2002.
Music : The Vines - Autumn Shade / Homesick
It's already been four years I've met Guillaume and since I'm in love with him I never thought I could fall for another guy. It took me two years to realise I could actually "cheat" on him, more sexually than psychically as I never felt anything for the guys I've had flings with. But this time it was different.
There were a real complicity, something like a flirty friendship. I did my best to hide I had feelings for you, first to myself, then to the others, not really keen on office blabs. But who cared ? It was damn obvious. You were the half of my brain. Since Thomas' death I could not believe into a man/woman friendship anymore, but we both had the last say. You spoke my mind and I spoke yours. Our differences got us even closer. There were days when the attraction was too hard to handle, so I would run away, but you didn't like that and quickly picked me up so I had to play with you again.
You hurt me too. You looked too much like him, and you had the same way of teasing me about details, ruining my already fragile self-esteem. I am, in reality, not so confident as I seem to be. I don't know if you've realised it yet. But you still arrived with me at office on mornings and came with me in the smoking room even if you didn't smoke. This I would truly appreciate, rare moments at office when we were alone, when I had you only for myself. I discovered myself fucking jealous, too. And I hated that.
When you left I resented too much the void of not having you around, not having your figure standing in the doorway looking at me, waiting for a move. Not having your laughter beside me, your winks, hands, shoulders, and no one ever shows up anymore when the elevator's doors open up. And you didn't show up afterwards either.
I now hate you for what you've done. I could have fallen for you.