If Tomorrow Never Comes
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Rayearth characters, they are © to CLAMP. I do not own the song When The Going Get's Tough, the version in the story belongs to boyzone. And the song When I Think About Angels belongs to Jamie O'Neal.
Tissues are recommended for this final chapter.
Fuu sat alone in her room, she was under the covers with her knees drawn up to her chin. She was pouting because her Ferio had gone to the mall with Lantis and Eagle. She hated sharing, especially sharing Ferio.
At least she had finished her montage for him, now she just needed toe perfect time to give it to him. One option was to give it to him now sh she could see his reaction, or she could wait. It might be a nice thing to leave him, as a sort of memory thing. It might even take his mind off the fact that she was gone.
It was then that the front door slammed closed.
"Ferio-chan?!" Fuu called half whining.
"Yes my darling wife?" Ferio called back.
She smiled and threw her blankets off. Ferio appeared in the door way with a bag in his hands. Fuu got out of bed to go to him, but as she put her wight on her legs, they have way.
"Fuu-chan!" Ferio cried as he dropped down at her side.
"They won't work!" Fuu sobbed.
"Fuu-chan, calm down! You probably just need to eat something."
Fuu shook her head. "No Ferio-chan, The cancer... It...." She took a very deep breathe and then continued, "it's starting to paralyze me." Fuu said as she cried into his shoulder.
Ferio rubbed her back not knowing the right, or even any words to say.
"We've only been married a month! I don't want to leave you!" Fuu said and she bit her lip and tried not to cry any more.
Ferio took her hands. "Try again," he urged her.
He pulled her up and let go. She was able to walk across the room and back.
"See, you're just over reacting," Ferio said.
Fuu wiped her eyes and smiled.
"Anyway I bought you a kinky little black night gown," Ferio said as he held it up.
Fuu's eyes widened. "You bought that with the guys?" Fuu said as she made a face.
"Yup," Ferio replied proudly.
She took it from hi and she threw it out the window and then smiled.
"What did you do that for?!" Ferio yelped.
"The guys were probably imagining what I'd look like in that." Fuu replied bluntly.
Ferio made a face and tried to shake it off.
"But ya know, no one's home..." Fuu trailed off and winked.
That evening Fuu and Ferio sat out on the porch swing. They were silently enjoying a brilliant summer sunset. Fuu's head was in Ferio's lap, and he was running his finger through her blonde silky curls. She loved it when he did that, she loved how her scalp tingled and it felt sooo good. Then the tingling feeling spread to her whole back and her arms and neck causing her to almost shudder and purr.
"The sunset is beautiful," Fuu whispered.
Ferio leaned down and kissed her letting his tongue meet hers. Another thing Fuu loved. Ferio was so gentle, yet more passionate than any other man, no one could touch her like he did.
"There will always be a part of you alive in me." Ferio whispered almost touching Fuu's lips.
"Always Fuu-chan," Ferio replied.
Ferio smiled and closed his eyes. He ran his finger through her hair again.
"Mmmm... Everything I've ever dreamed of is right here." Ferio said.
Fuu closed her eyes and silently let her tears roll down her
face. He couldn't have said anything more ever, that would ever
make her happier than the things he had said in the past few
The orange sun sank below the horizon and the blue light of the night was hot on the suns tail.
Fuu watched as a mosquito landed on Ferio's arm, then she slapped him.
He gave her a funny look but didn't say anything.
"Mosquito," she answered without the question as she wiped her hand on Ferio's pants.
Ferio made a face and caused Fuu to burst out laughing.
"We should go in, maybe go to bed, early," Ferio suggested with a mischievous grin.
"After I take a shower," Fuu agreed.
Fuu sat up and Ferio stood up and stretched. He reached out his hand as he had done countless times before to help her up. As Fuu tried to move her increasingly stiff legs, she found they now felt like lead weights. A look of panic spread over her face.
"Fuu-chan" Ferio said sounding concerned.
"My Legs, I'm having trouble controlling them. They feel so heavy." Fuu replied.
Ferio's heart sank as the future become learner, at no point would Fuu beat the cancer.
"I'll carry you inside." Ferio said trying not to sound upset.
Ferio took Fuu inside and faced parental questioning.
"What's wrong Fuu?" Her mother asked.
"I am losing control of my legs." Fuu replied.
"You'll need to go to the hospital," Fuu's mom said.
Fuu nodded. "But not tonight. I need to spend one more night with Ferio alone. It all needs to end like a fairy tale thing." Fuu told her mother.
Fuu tightened her grip on Ferio's neck. Her mother wanted to tell her she had to go now, but there was no reason too. Nothing would keep her from dying, and if she wanted one more night with her love, her mother would never ask her to give that up.
Ferio carried Fuu into her, and at the moment, their room. He set her down on the bed.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
"No." She replied.
He began to panic and he looked really worried.
"I'm grumpy and I still need a shower." She replied.
He calmed down a bit. "Grumpy I bet I could fix.... The shower though...."
"Oh! I could take a bath." She said happily.
"You can't walk safely." He pointed out.
"You can help me in and out," she replied.
He blinked and nodded, no sense in disagreeing. He helped her into the bath room without a word.
"Want me to help undress you?" Ferio said with a leer.
"Well if you insist." She replied.
He was more than happy to do so, but then came putting her in the tub with the water. Once she was in the water he went to leave the bath room.
"Where are you going?" Fuu questioned.
"Out of the room while you take a bath," he replied slowly.
"No, stay incase I have to get out and go pee or something." Fuu replied as she started washing her hair.
He rolled his eyes and sat down on the closed toilet seat. He decided he didn't need to spend the entire time staring at Fuu's naked body, though it was rather tempting. He grabbed a teen magazine and started reading about how to give yourself an at home manicure. He was so in grossed with the article that he didn't hear Fuu talking to him. So she splashed him.
"Hey!" He yelped. "That's your dirty bath water you're splashing."
"And how does that differ from pool water?" Fuu asked.
"It's... I don't know..."
Fuu laughed. "I'm ready to get out once your done."
Ferio got up and put down the magazine. He helped Fuu out and helped her dress in her night gown.
"Though you know it's pointless to even put it on." Ferio said with a grin.
Fuu smiled, "maybe I want to sleep alone." Fuu teased.
Ferio stuck out his tongue, "not funny."
"Yes it is," she replied.
"Hey, stay here for a sec, I'm gonna go do something and come back for you." Ferio said.
Fuu was puzzled, but had to stay, she couldn't walk on her own.
Ferio came back about nine or ten minutes later to get Fuu. "Sorry I took so long, I wanted everything to be just so perfect."
Ferio led Fuu into her room which was dark except for the golden light of the white and gold candles all over the room. Her window was open but her curtains were closed so that the breeze could still come in. Music played softly, the same song that was her first dance at her wedding. And to top it all off gold rose petals were strewn across the floor.
"Oh Ferio-chan!" Fuu cried.
"Romantic perfection for my perfect love." Ferio whispered.
Fuu began to cry but smiled as she did so. Ferio set her down in the bed and climbed in with her. He trailed a finger from her nose down to her belly button. Fuu looked up into his eyes as he positioned himself over her.
"I love you," he whispered as he kissed her passionately. There was no denying it, he loved how she tasted, how her lips and moth felt against his. How her tongue wound around his in a way that drove him to the point of madness.
"I love you too," she replied between kisses.
Ferio too almost began to cry as he knew this would be their last night alone. Their last private and romantic night.
"Ferio-chan, make love to me," she said as tears
rolled down her cheeks. "Make love to me for the last time,
with a passion neither of us will ever forget."
The next day Ferio helped Fuu pack, he took a long deep breathe, not wanting to say what he was thinking. Truth be told all he could think about was, 'this is the last time I'll see her sitting on the edge of the bed.' Or he'd never heard her call him from the bed room. It was like he was slowly losing his mind. He was going to drive himself nuts thinking about what he was losing instead of what he still had. She wasn't dead, he should stop feeling like she was! He promised himself that he would make every moment count.
After promising himself, he then had to wrestle with his fears and emotions before he could finally ask Fuu. "Is there anything special you want to do, or whatever before we leave?"
Fuu smiled "just sit with me, ok?" She said in a very strong but soft voice.
Ferio sat down on the already made bed next to Fuu. He felt so lost and helpless, he never in his wildest dreams thought that it would be this hard. And she's not even dead...... He said again to himself.
Fuu leaned against him and stared out the window. Ferio put an arm around her, and rested his head on hers.
"There aren't any words are there?" Fuu said softly as she took Ferio's hand and brushed it against her cheek.
"No, there aren't any words. I have been searching for them all morning Fuu-chan. But I couldn't find them, and even if I did, I don't think I could say them ya know." Ferio replied.
"I can't find those words, I don't think I'm supposed to. Maybe those words don't need to be said. Maybe a simple 'I love you' is all we need." Fuu replied as she smiled.
"I think so. Fuu-chan, I love you." Ferio said as he tried not to let his voice tremble.
"I love you too Ferio-chan," Fuu replied in a calm
and clear voice.
As Ferio carried her out of her room, or really now, their room, she knew she was leaving behind her life. That going into the hospital meant she was going there to die. And she wasn't ready to die.
"I don't want to go," Fuu whimpered.
Fuu realized Ferio was crying. "I don't want to take you there."
Fuu hugged Ferio and sobbed into his shoulder. Ferio stood there just outside their room trying to get the courage to go any farther.
"You're not dead yet." Ferio pointed out. "You haven't given up living yet! We can still be together even in the hospital. I'll be by your side until your very last breathe. Until it's really confirmed that your gone, I won't leave your side." Ferio promised.
"Thank you. That helps. But I am still leaving part of my life behind." Fuu replied sadly.
"You left a part of your life when you married me, when you made love to me for the first time, you left part of your life and it was still ok." Ferio replied.
Fuu laughed, "you have such a passion for my life, for yours, for our life as one. I love you."
"What say we get to the hospital and settle in? Maybe the doctors can help with you head ache." Ferio suggested.
Fuu looked lost in her own thoughts. "I've grown used to the constant throbbing. And I'm sure they've done all they can."
"Fine, then how about we go there and I read to you?" Ferio suggested.
Fuu nodded. "You can read me Hidden Passions."
"Gah... I can't ever get away from that soap opera can I?"
"Nope, and I'm on the past lives part of the book." Fuu replied happily.
Ferio made a face, "well at least it's not as bad as a
Fuu had a rather grim look on her face as the pulled up in the hospital parking lot. She had her head against Ferio, who was sitting in the back seat with her while her father drove and her mother sat up front.
Fuu clung to Ferio's arm like a little child. He made her feel so safe, and he smelled so goooood.
She still had yet to tell her friends she was most defiantly
dying. With every day she put it off it became harder to even
think of telling them. They were happy, both off at a vacation
house with their boyfriends, she wasn't about to take that away
from them. She'd let them be and stay brave, at least she had
Once she was settled in her room at the hospital she handed Ferio her book. "Start reading," she instructed.
Ferio smiled slightly. "You know, it's now the end of July almost August, what are you going to do about school?"
"Well, if I don't die before September," she said then watched as Ferio winced. "Then I'll have my parents say you and I are on a vacation." She paused and then added something to it. "I don't want to have everyone by my side mourning me before I've passed. I want them all to have only the best memories of me. Can you understand that?"
Ferio nodded, "I can understand it and respect it."
Fuu smiled, "you're a wonder babe."
Ferio opened the book to the page she had book marked and began to read, "I am sorry to tell you that Sarah Crane passed away today, sitting beneath the very oak tree where she had last seen betrothed exactly forty years ago this moth."
He then realized Fuu was fast asleep, and he was tempted to finish reading the chapter.
Three weeks later....... Fuu was beginning to sleep more than she was awake and she was gradually losing more and more control of her body. On one particularly dreary and yucky rainy day Fuu lay awake in her bed, holding her stuffed grey cat, waiting for Ferio to come back.
She hated when he had to leave, wether he was eating going to the bathroom or going home to shower, shave, and change. She was worried he wouldn't be there when she passed. And it scared her.
"I want my Ferio-chan," she whimpered.
Ferio then appeared in the door way with a single yellow rose in his hand. He grinned and began to sing, "When the going gets tough, Going gets tough, When the going gets rough er! er!, Going gets rough, When the going gets tough, Going gets rough, When the going gets rough er! er! Going gets rough..."
Fuu giggled, "what I wouldn't give to have that on tape!"
Ferio shrugged, "well, I guess I could record a version of it..."
Fuu almost squealed, "yay! Thanks!"
Ferio nodded. "Sure, no problem."
"You know, I think I'm finally ok with dying." Fuu said suddenly.
Ferio sat down beside her. He placed his hand over hers.
"I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm losing control of myself. But I think I'm still not ready to leave you. I love you so much." Fuu said.
Ferio hugged her, "I don't want you to leave me." He said sobbing.
"You have spent the past three weeks at my side, I'm so proud to be able to call you my husband."
Ferio ran his fingers through Fuu's hair and looked into her eyes. "Just rest."
Ferio climbed into the bed and laid down next to her. He put
his arm around her so he could feel her breathing. As the rain
fell Ferio didn't sleep. He couldn't, for fear she would die in
his arms and he wouldn't even know. He began it wonder if he
could ever sleep again. If he would ever feel right going to
sleep without her.
With the passing of the next few weeks, Fuu became less able to do anything. Ferio remained by her side.
"I want you to know that I won't ever leave you." Fuu whispered. "I'll die, but I won't leave you."
Ferio nodded as he stroked her head. "I know. And I won't leave your side until you're gone. And then after that I will keep your memory alive, in turn keeping myself alive."
"You're so handsome. But what I love most is the way you love me. You care about me. I'm so glad I found you." Fuu said as the tears rolled freely down her cheeks.
"And I'm glad I found you. I'm so thankful for what time we had together, I want you to know that." Ferio replied as he kissed her softly.
She smiled. "I'm thankful too. I love you."
"I love you too, forever."
"If I don't wake up tomorrow, I want you to know how much I love you." Fuu whispered wanting so much to be able to squeeze his hand, but not being able to.
"You know the same thing about me. I want you to know that you have meant the world to me, and always will." Ferio replied with a mixture of anger, passion, and sadness.
"When I do die, in our closet is a rapped box and letter, they're for you. And the letter in the yellow envelope is for my friends, read it at my service."
Ferio nodded slowly.
Fuu closed her eyes and fell asleep with Ferio next to her. He
held her tight praying she would wake up in the morning, that she
wouldn't leave him.
When morning came Fuu did not wake up, but she wasn't dead either.
"She's in a coma," the doctor said finally.
Ferio shook his head, "no... no no! She can't leave me just yet! I still had so much to tell her!" He sobbed angrily.
"You can still talk to her," Kuu said softly.
Ferio shook his head. "It's not the same...... She'll never answer me."
The doctor gave Ferio a pat on the back before he left. Kuu and her parents fallowed leaving Ferio alone with Fuu.
He knelt beside her. "You're not really gone... You're still here. You can hear me right?"
Of course Fuu didn't answer, but Ferio prayed that in some way she heard him.
"Remember the time when we made cup cakes for no good reason? And I put the frosting on your nose? Remember?" He said as he took her hand. "I have so many sweet and funny things I'll never forget. Little things that only I know. Remember while we made the cup cakes that song came on?" Ferio asked. "You know, When I Think About Angels."
He stroked her head as he smiled. "You like it when I sing right? When I think about rain
I think about singing, When I think about singing it's a heavenly tune, When I think about heaven then I think about angels, When I think about angels, I think about you." Ferio sang softly to Fuu stroking her hair.
He spent two weeks by her side, telling her stories and singing to her, it was breaking Kuu's heart every time she heard the sound of Ferio singing. He did it so well, with such concern and love.
Ferio finally decided enough was enough. He had to let her go, he had to let her move on. She couldn't do anything for herself, not eat, move. She wasn't the Fuu he had married. She was some one who wasn't really alive any more.
"Fuu-chan, I want you to know that I love you. And that I'll be alright with out you so... so, when you feel like you can't hang on any more..... Don't. I'll miss you, but I'll feel a lot better if you don't have to suffer any more. Because I know this is hard on you, and that maybe you're holding on, waiting for me to be ready. Well, I am."
And with that Fuu Prince ( made Ferio up a name ^_^;) took her last breathe. Ferio watched as her chest stopped rise and falling, it fell, and never rose again. Tears rolled down his face and he began to sob. Knowing that she had left him finally, and was at peace.
"My Fuu-chan," he whispered. "My Fuu-chan. Rest in peace."
The doctors came in to confirm her death, but not to revive her. She was on a do not resuscitate list, once gone she was not to be brought back.
Ferio went to the hospital's chapel where he knelt down. "I don't know how to do this Lord. In my head I know she's gone, that her soul is with you. But I just keep hoping for a miracle. I know it's not right to bargain with you but I can't live without her. Please bring her back to me, I'll do anything."
He sat there for the next twenty minutes, crying his eyes out
Finally that evening he went home, to Fuu's house, to collect his stuff. He walked into the room, where the golden flower petals from their last night together lay dry and cracked on the floor. He went into the closet and found the box and letters Fuu had said were there. He unwrapped the box, and inside was a video titled: Fuu and Ferio. He put it into the VCR as he carefully opened his letter.
The letter inside read:
You gave me the greatest thing you could ever give me;
Your love. You loved me unselfishly and with every part
of your being.
You gave me hope, when I didn't think I could go on.
You helped me to see the beauty of every second.
You taught me to love with every breathe I took.
I'm so sorry I left you alone, but we'll be together
I know this letter will never truly ease your pain,
but know that you eased mine.
Love you always, watching over you from heaven,
Mrs. Fuu Prince'
Ferio sat and watched the video, everything from their
engagement to the prom and their wedding. All beautifully put
together. Bits from their honeymoon and just being home alone.
Things he'd always have locked deep inside his heart.
It was Fuu's mother who made the call to Hikaru and Umi. "Hello?" Hikaru answered in her normal chipper voice.
"Hello, this is Fuu's mother."
"Heya Mrs. Hououji!"
"I have bad news," Fuu's mother said as she tried not to sob into the phone.
Hikaru was silent so Fuu's mother knew she had to go on.
"Fuu died yesterday. She died of brain cancer."
"What?!" Hikaru exclaimed. "How?"
"She never told you, but she was very sick."
"Oh..... It makes sense now... oh gosh! Mrs. Hououji, I'm
The next day everyone gathered at a memorial service for Fuu,
where Ferio held in his hands a letter written for Fuu's friends.
The priest started the service. "Jesus said, I am the resurrection and I am the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, yet shall they live, and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.
"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. I died and behold I am alive ever more, and I hold the keys of hell and death.
"Because I love, you shall live also."
"And now a reading of Psalm 23: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for tho art with me; thy rod and they staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over Surely goodness and mercy shall fallow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."
The priest then turned to everyone in the room and again spoke. "Friends we are gathered here to praise God and to witness to our faith as we celebrate the life of Fuu. We come together in grief, acknowledging our human loss. May God grant us grace, that in pain we may find comfort, in sorrow hope, in death resurrection.
"Eternal God, we praise you for the great company of all those who have finished their course in faith and now rest in their labor. We praise you for those dear to us whom we name in our hearts before you. Especially we praise you for Fuu, whom you have graciously received into your presence."
Ferio could barely breathe. He could barely stand to stay and listen to the words of the priest. How could anyone find grace in someone talking about a God, a God who abandoned his love, and let her die? He knew he wasn't thinking straight. But some how it felt like he and Fuu had been cheated.
"To all of those, grant your peace. Let perpetual light shine upon them, and help us so to believe where we have not seen, that your presence may lead us through our years, and bring us at last with them into the joy of your home not made with hands but eternal in the heaves, amen." The priest finished the service.
Now it was time for the memorial part of the service, where the people closest to Fuu spoke. Her parents went first, fallowed by Ferio.
"Before she died, she wrote a letter, explaining why she didn't tell any of you...." Ferio paused to keep his tears back. "That she was dying."
The rain outside poured down, as if the angels in heaven were crying.
"The letter reads:
'My wonderful friends,
I know you must be angry, confused, hurt, and
very sad. But please, let me explain myself.
I thought about telling you, but I didn't want
to be pitied. I didn't want to take your happiness
away from you. To rob you of your happiness.
I wanted you to have only happy memories of me,
Not to remember me sick and dying, but as a young
woman, a teen, and a little girl. I kept this from you,
because I love all of you. Please forgive me, and move on.
Everyone was crying, and Ferio himself couldn't control his tears. Ferio had to keep himself calm until he had at least finished his bit.
"Give me a sec, I need to collect myself." Ferio said as he wiped his eyes. "What I'll miss most about Fuu isn't her beautiful eyes or her beautiful smile, God knows they were beautiful. But what I will miss most is her beautiful heart. She was kind to everyone, and loved her friends so much, and to me, that was priceless. I am so proud to say that I was, and in my heart still am, Fuu-chans husband. I'm proud to be able to call her my wife.
"You know people say God works in mysterious ways, but for the life of me I can't figure out why they had to take her away from me so soon. Someone so beautiful, such a beautiful heart.
"One day though, Fuu-chan, I promise I'll join you in heaven and with God's blessing we'll live out our life as it should have been, and make all our dreams come true.
"I loved Fuu-chan very much. And what's in the casket is any empty shell of the woman I love, she's gone, and she's not coming back. Fuu-chan's soul is up there in heaven. Oh God. What can I say about losing the woman I love more than life it's self? The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that Fuu-chan is up there in heaven with the angels watching me. And waiting for me to join her."
Ferio finished and took his seat, Kuu was next to speak.
"Fuu-chan was my little sister. We didn't get alone sometimes, she was more serious and I was silly and all, but I loved her. I'm gonna miss her, it's so odd being in the kitchen to eat dinner, and knowing she'll never come in and site down, and start talking about Ferio and how many children she wants to have with him." Kuu said before she was unable to speak because of her crying.
Hikaru and Umi both stepped forward, to share what they had to say.
"We were so blessed to have a friend like Fuu-chan." Hikaru said with a smile. "She always listened, and was nice. So sweet too. She cared so much for us, and tried her best to protect us."
"We won't let her memory fade though, all her love and bravery will be returned to her. We'll do whatever we must to make sure no one forgets the brave and loving Fuu Prince." Umi added.
It was now time to move Fuu's body, one more step in the ritual of death.
Before Ferio left the chapel, the priest stopped him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "loved ones die Ferio. But love it's self goes on."
Ferio nodded and smiled weakly.
Once at the cemetery the priest continued the service. "We therefore commit her body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life."
The priest was the first to throw some dirt onto Fuu's dark wooden casket. Ferio went next. He knew this was the good bye that he had dreaded. The sealing of the foreverness of Fuu's passing.
The casket was lowered into the ground. Rain rolled down Ferio's face, mixing with the hot tears he had shed. Clutched in his hands was a single yellow rose, which he threw into the hole where Fuu's casket had been placed.
"Good bye Fuu-chan, I love you."
So tell that someone that you love, just what
you're thinking of, if tomorrow never comes.
::Cries:: aww that was such a sad ending ;_; This story is loosely based on the true story of my dear friend Jamuna, who at the age of 12, on September 24th 1999, died of brain cancer. She was just as brave as Fuu was in the story, Jam didn't tell most of her friends she was dying. Her online friends and I found out through her best friend who was her neighbor. She was brave and never told anyone she was dying, instead she asked how we all were, and said she'd be happy to help us with any of our problems. I wrote this in part because I felt like I needed to, for myself more than anything. And like the line says, tell that someone that you love, just what you're thinking of, if tomorrow never comes. Jam had said something similar, telling us all just how much she cared for us, I'm so glad I told her how much I cared for her, how she was like a little sister. Because, tomorrow never came.