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Someone recently paid me a great compliment: they said that I have a very strong faith. Delighted as I am to receive such acclaim(!) it is not true. Like many other people, I am beset by doubts ranging from whether I am saved, to whether God listens to me when I pray. It is something I struggle with, and struggle daily. Doubt in itself causes more doubt, for I begin to think that I cannot call myself saved, or a Christian, if even one doubt ever enters my mind. For a long time I believed that for a Christian to doubt anything about God is a sin.
I have thought hard on the subject, and now find myself arriving at the somewhat surprising conclusion that I should welcome my moments of doubt. I have been reading the story of Thomas. We do not know much about him [1], save that he was a twin, a disciple of Jesus, a doubter come to faith. The gnostics identified him as a wisdom-giver, perhaps because twins were sometimes said to have mystical powers, perhaps because he formerly doubted. For me, Thomas is an example of what doubt can achieve, if it is honest.
The setting is a week after the Resurrection. Jesus has appeared bodily to Mary Magdalene and to the other disciples, who were frightened and desolate, hiding in a locked room when Jesus appeared. Thomas had not been with them, and when they said they had seen the Lord he declared:
"Unless I see the marks of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe." (John 20:25b NRSV)
Now, why should Thomas say such a thing? He knew the other disciples, had travelled wtih them for three years with Jesus. Like them he had been devastated by the Crucifixion. Perhaps the hope that Jesus was not dead was too painful for him. Perhaps he wondered, as people have done since, whether the disciples had had an hallucination of Jesus' return, longing for it so greatly, as does sometimes happen after a bereavement.
Then Jesus came among them again, passing through a locked door and inviting Thomas to prove to himself that Jesus was indeed alive, and, importantly, alive in the flesh - not a vision or a ghost but a real man. He invited Thomas to doubt no longer and Thomas at once recognised the Saviour, and worshipped Him. Jesus ended by saying, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." (20:29b)
There was something about this incident that I missed at first reading. If we look at how the disciples recognised Jesus, how they confessed Him, we see a curious thing. When Mary Magdalene finally recognised Jesus after mistaking Him for a gardner she cried out "Rabbouni!" (teacher); in chapter 21 of John's Gospel the Beloved Disciple recognised Jesus and declared "It is the Lord!". Thomas, though, declared, "My Lord and my God" (20:28) and this forms one of the most explicit confessions of Christ in the entire Bible!
This tells me, to my mind, that doubt can produce great things. Thomas doubted, but when his doubt was resolved, understood and said more than those who had not doubted. Mary believed in the literal resurrection once Jesus revealed Himself to her, but failed to see Jesus as more than a teacher at that time. Thomas did not believe, but when he did, recognised Jesus as God. We can see this outside the Bible, too, if we look at converts to religions. In contrast with those brought up in a faith, never leaving or doubting it, those who join or rejoin a faith are often more fervent and passionate in thier beliefs. If we look at C S Lewis, who for years was an atheist, when he converted he became one of the most popular and outspoken Christian writers of the modern world.
Thomas believed because he saw the risen Lord. That is not possible for us, in this age, we all fall into the category of people Jesus spoke about, those who have not seen but have come to believe, which is perhaps why He said it. Directly after Jesus' words, the Evangelist tells us that this is why he wrote the Gospel - so that we may come to believe in Jesus, and have life.
There are people who, brought up in the faith, never doubt it. I do not think I could be one of those people. It is not in my nature. My way of learning is by doubting what I am told. ("Test everything; hold fast to what is good" 1 Thess 5:21) If someone tells me "God is X" then I am likely to doubt it unless they - or I - can prove that it is so. I do not think this is outside of God's will just as I do not think faith which never doubts is outside it either. I think it is more a case of God working through is in different ways; in some by doubt and questioning, and in others by simply believing.
I draw inspiration from the Psalms as well as from Thomas. The Psalmist knew doubt, and that is one of the reasons the Psalms are such a source of comfort for us. They are not the words of a self-assured saint (though the saints were hardly untroubled), but a real human being, with all the doubts and fears we all have. Even now, just on opening the book I have found what I think of as a psalm of faithful doubt. In Psalm 13 he begins:
"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?" (v1, NRSV)
That is an area of doubt I am most familiar with - the suspicion that God has forgotten me, turned from me, and neither sees nor hears me. Yet the Psalmist ends the psalm with the words:
"But I trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation
I will sing to the LORD
because he has dealt bountifully with me." (vv 5-6)
There are many other examples of this, for instance in Psalm 10 where the Psalmist laments that God is "far off" and the people say He does not exist, and the wicked go unpunished. Yet he does not lose faith but asks the Lord to rise up and not to forget the oppressed. I call this faithful doubt because when you hit rock bottom, when it seems God is no longer there, trust still endures. While I doubt I am saved, that God listens of regards me, the essence of faith is that trust that He does, even while I doubt it. So even while I doubt that I am heard, I will pray, and even while I doubt God's love I will thank Him for His love, because my trust in God remains even where I doubt. I would not be human if I did not have those moments of doubt - and long moments they can be, too - and struggling through them makes faith stronger, and knowledge more secure. No matter what, like the Psalmist I will continue to praise God.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;
and by night, but find no rest.
Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried, and were saved;
in you they trusted, and were not put to shame.
But I am a worm, and not human;
scorned by others, and despised by the people.
All who see me mock at me;
they make mouths at me, they shake their heads;
"Commit your cause to the Lord; let him deliver—
let him rescue the one in whom he delights!"
Yet it was you who took me from the womb;
you kept me safe on my mother's breast.
On you I was cast from my birth,
and since my mother bore me you have been my God.
Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near and there is no one to help.
Many bulls encircle me,
strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.
I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
it is melted within my breast;
my mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to my jaws;
you lay me in the dust of death.
For dogs are all around me;
a company of evildoers encircles me.
My hands and feet have shriveled;
I can count all my bones.
They stare and gloat over me;
they divide my clothes among themselves,
and for my clothing they cast lots.
But you, O Lord, do not be far away!
O my help, come quickly to my aid!
Deliver my soul from the sword,
my life from the power of the dog!
Save me from the mouth of the lion!
From the horns of the wild oxen you have rescued me.
I will tell of your name to my brothers and sisters;
in the midst of the congregation I will praise you:
You who fear the Lord, praise him!
All you offspring of Jacob, glorify him;
stand in awe of him, all you offspring of Israel!
For he did not despise or abhor
the affliction of the afflicted;
he did not hide his face from me,
but heard when I cried to him.
From you comes my praise in the great congregation;
my vows I will pay before those who fear him.
The poor shall eat and be satisfied;
those who seek him shall praise the Lord.
May your hearts live forever!
All the ends of the earth shall remember and turn to the Lord;
and all the families of the nations
shall worship before him.
For dominion belongs to the Lord,
and he rules over the nations.
To him, indeed, shall all who sleep in the earth bow down;
before him shall bow all who go down to the dust,
and I shall live for him.
Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord,
and proclaim his deliverance to a people yet unborn,
saying that he has done it.
1. There are some websites on Thomas, for instance this one is on the Gnostic Thomas, Cathen's page, and some information from the Anglicans on Thomas.
© Dubhóc MacEògainn, 2005.