All text on this website is licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.
I suffer from recurrent major depresion [1]. There is nothing worse - feeling unutterable depths of despair, not being able to work or do anything because your mind feels frozen. I think of it as a goblin, sitting heavily on my head and churning his fingers through my brain. Despair so great, so all-encompassing that nothing in the world seems worthwhile or right. Living with depression is difficult - I find that even several medications only take the edge off the feeling, and do not remove it entirely.
It becomes incredibly difficult to concentrate, even on things we are most fond of - I leave a litter of half-finished websites as a legacy of my depression. It becomes difficult to concentrate on God, on spiritual matters. Many times I have been unable to pray coherently, at some times I have felt no intimation of God's presence, that He is there or that He heard me. Doubts flourish in such an atmosphere of depression, and any conviction of sin becomes unbearable.
I suppose really, we become more sensitive when we are depressed. Realising we have sinned is terrible! Instead of finding excuses or being able to ignore our sin we see it, as it really is. we become more introverted, magnifying our faults, ignoring our strengths and ceasing to see other people except in relation to ourselves.
No one likes being depressed - that is an oxymoron, but I do think God can produce good things out of the bad. Do I think God intentionally gives us depression? Perhaps, in some cases. We cannot really tell, we cannot look into God's mind; for some of us depression may be simply an illness that God can work through, or may be an illness that God gives, that He may be glorified. It is, perhaps, dangerous to speculate as to why we become ill - for we may end up blaming God for our misfortunes, or ignoring medical treatment, thinking it is not God's will.
God can work through our sickness. He used Paul, who was himself ill, and Moses, who may have had a speech impediment. Some people have thought David may have been bipolar, and Solomon a depressive. There are many examples of God working through an ill person. In the case of David and Solomon, the Psalms and Ecclesiastes have been great sources of comfort and knowledge.
God can use we who are sick to minister to those sick who are unsaved, to help the sick who are Christians. Depression is useful to Him in that it makes us more aware of sin - thus enabling us to fight it in ourselves and discern it in others. It strips away human vanity, showing us the reality of life.
I suppose the greatest way God uses depression is to make us see how much we need Him. When I am depressed, I may not be able to pray in words, but I still pray. I can only form single words perhaps, like "help", or "sorry" but they are more fervent, mor real than long prayers. I think perhaps thats what Jesus meant when He said:
"But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you. And in praying do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6:6-8 RSV)
When we're depressed, we realise how frail the human condition is. It is then that we realise how much we need God, how much we want Him. When life seems too hard to bear, it is than that we want to go to He who says He will give us rest. Like little children we just want to run to our Daddy who will never leave us, will always be there.
Really, that is the reason I created this diary. I can focus my mind on God - and He comforts me - but these essays are short enough that they do not overwhelm me. Praying has been a great help. Focussing your mind on God can help a great deal if you are depressed.
God can make good things out of bad. Even through the horror of being depressed He is with us, and hears us. It is at this time more than any other that we repent our sins and rest upon Him. In that way depression may come to be a blessing to us.
Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
1 (I was later diagnosed as bipolar)
© Dubhóc MacEògainn, 2005.