Chuldow Squad Pages

Star Skirmish

DISCLAIMER

All characters are purely fictional, any similarities to any person, living or
dead, is purely coincidental and is not intentional!

P.S. remember its nothing to do the star wars!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…….
The evil empire was gaining power at an incredible rate and their leader, urm….
Darth hippy, yeah that's it darth hippy!, was hell bent on galactic domination,
he was constructing a deadly weapon the likes the which the galaxy had never
seen before, this weapon was to be known as THE BROWN STAR!

Meanwhile in a bar in the space port of mos-wakey our hero, Gwiz mat-walker, was
engaged in a barter with his mentor, riley wan-ken-obi, and the pilot of a star
ship, the millenium-sparrow. The pilot was known as Geoff solo and with him was
his side kick the strangley furry chew-kempy. Geoff solo was an incredible pilot
and was rumoured to have done the westgate run in under 12 parsecs! Therefore
his ship and knowledge would be greatly needed to stop the emperor, destroy the
brown star and rescue pricess liva from the clutches of the evil darth hippy.
"so, you want to hire my ship and crew?" said Geoff solo "what are you
offering?"
"well" interjected riley wan-ken-obi " you will have a chance to prove to the
galaxy you are the hero you claim to be, and you get to fall in love with the
princess!"
"how do you know that old man? Can you use THE FARCE?" quizzed captain solo,
"no you young head strong fool!"
"well how then?" at this point chew-kempy felt the hairs on the back of his ears
stand up
" ive read the script, like you all should have!" with this riley wan-ken-obi
scuttled of towards the bar with mutterings of " bloody amateurs!, I'll kill my
manager when I see him!" which left our young hero Gwiz mat-walker and the
captain to talk.
As they discussed fares, times, and what colour paper to have in the toilet,
chew-kempy sat quietly asleep snuggled up to a warm rock.

Now, our intrepid team set off from the bar to ready the millennium-sparrow for
its epic task, geoff solo waited a while to finish his drink, and have another
sneaky peek at the girl stood by the bar, you know the one with three breasts,
an over abundance of hair and golden skin like a zaigon hatchling. When all of a
sudden in walked a suspicious character known to friends and enemys alike as
kiwido!
"inka putha dubby solo!" spouted the large creature
"cum again?" said the captain
"sorry, I had summat stuck in my teeth" replied the angry kiwido
"if its about the money…." Begged geoff
"its to late for that! I want the archive!"
captain solo realised the deep consequences that the knowledge of the archive
could have. So, he slid his hand under the table grasping for the most deadly
close quarter weapon known to his part of space. With one quick swipe he landed
a devastating blow knocking kiwido flat unconscious. As he turned and ran, he
placed the weapon back under his jacket,
"No one expected a strike from the wet kipper of doom" he chuckled to his self
as he proceeded to drop riley wan-ken-obi's shoes on his foot, crushing it flat.

As they all met up by the vast hull of the millennium sparrow, there was an air
of mysticism, no one could put their finger on it. In all honesty no one wanted
to put their finger on "it", as it was the inter-galactic mobster and generally
not very nice bloke Andy the Hutt!
"so, solo we meet again"
"this isn't my day!" proclaimed the captain
"my partner kiwido was supposed to kill you! Why aren't you dead?"
"partner?" interjected chew-kempy "does that mean you hold hands and take windy
walks?"
with that Andy the Hutt felled chew-kempy with one swift strike from his
gargantuan cranium.
"this insolence will not be tolerated, especially by a pet!" bellowed the evil
genius
"I'll handle this" said riley wan-ken-obi and with a swift movement of his hand
the hutt was under a spell
"this isn't the captain your looking for" Andy the hutt complied and repeated
every word
"you don't want the money"
"I don't want the money"
you will go home and listen to craig david"
" I will go home and listen to craig david"
and with that he sent the mobster back to his home to fall asleep listening to
the most evil sound in the world! A craig david / fred durst duet!
"how did u do that? Was it the farce? Who's fred durst? Who's your favourite
tellitubby?" quizzed captain geoff
"I didn't expect some kind of Spanish inquisition!" replied the jedi master
no longer had the words left his mouth when in burst three strange looking men
wearing a strange red uniform.
"no one expects the Spanish inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise and fear!
Our TWO weapons are surprise and fear and ruthless efficiency! Among our
weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and an
almost fanatical devotion to the pope!"
" I cant take any more of this!" screamed Gwiz mat-walker and with one swift
slash with his light butter knife disposed of the three idiots, "and stay on the
BBC!" taunted geoff solo.
With that they all boarded the ship agreeing this was the most idiotic escapade
they had ever had the displeasure to be involved with, and vowed never to take
part in chapter two, as riley wan-ken-obi had already read the story and in his
words "this makes less sense than the tellitubbies and the tweenies doing a
joint Christmas special in June!" and with that the millennium sparrow entered
ludicrous speed and with a flash of tartan they vanished.

To be continued?

By Matt Kemp

Post in the forum if you want the next chapter!!