Reports

Report Scenarios (you can still send in a report even if someone else has already written something for that scenario)

Report A:There has been a break in (and a break out) at the Sunshine Sactuary for Sick Dragons. The intruder is believed to have escaped relatively unharmed, but several of the dragons have escaped...
Report B:An old woman in a pointed hat is causing a riot in the Slightly Broken but Still Fixable Drum with her surprising talent for the 'I can drink dis many...can you?' game. Make sure she gets out alive...
Report C:Some unliscensed thieves have tried to steal from a fellow Watchbeing. Being just like one big happy family, we don't take kindly to people doing that to our members, someone had better make sure they don't do it again...
Report D:There is a rumor that a new gangster has emerged in Ankh-Morpork. He goes by the name of Hatchet Harry. The rumor says he's well organized and searching for something. It's our job to figure out what he is up to.
Report E:There was a big fire in the Shades last night. It's a bit odd though that the golems did not arrive until the fire burned out. Why were they late? Find out what started the fire.
Report F:A man on top of the clacks tower has been throwing rocks off it. He appears to be aiming for Unseen University. More accurately, the Archchancellor.
Report G:A new merchant has come to Ankh-Morpork. I. Got The Goods Foroo. I.G.T.G. Foroo and C.M.O.T. Dibbler are not getting along. This must not escalate into a turf war.
Report H:Someone is vandalizing the Watch House. We think it is Byron Bluestone. Although, we need some proof before we can bring him in for questioning.
Report I:Reg Shoe has started a new faction. The Department for the Ethical Advancement of the Deceased, or, D.E.A.D. They are causing quite a stir in the city. Try to calm things down.
Report J:The Librarian has come to the Watch with a problem. It was explained as "Oook! Oook, Oook! Eek, Eek!" Find out what has happened.
Report K:A ship has arrived from the Counterweight Continent and docked at Ankh harbour. The problem is, nobody is on board. What happened to the people?
Report L:The Patrician has raised taxes on the Guilds. People are threatening to riot in the streets.
Report M:The Patrician has raised taxes on the Guilds. People are threatening to riot in the streets.
Report N:Someone has stolen the bottle that Wee Mad Alli keeps in her bottom desk drawer. It was very special to her, because, it was still full. Find out who swiped the bottle.
Report O:A group of Dwarves has started to dig a hole in Plaza of Broken Moons. Find out why, but most importantly, put a stop to it.
Report P:There have been riots in Quarry Lane. Something is disturbing the Trolls. Find out what the problem is.
Report Q:A man has been standing on the corner, outside the station, all day. Find out what he is doing.
Report R: There have been reports of Unlicensed thieving in Fast Luck Alley. The thieves guild has had no success catching the perpetrators. They, have come to the Watch for assistance.
Report S: The Sniggs Alley Scumbags and the Rookery Lane Ruffians have been fighting all through the Shades. This would usually go unnoticed, but it has started to spill into the City streets. Take care of it, by any means necessary.
Report T: Most of the Horde have left town, although, there are a few left (Most likely hiding in the Shades). We need you to find these men and show them the way out.
Report U: Corey Skullcrusher is raising trouble on Filigree Street. He want's to open a bar next to the Drum. Volence is not taking it well. Solve the situation before it escalates into a war.
Report scenarios D-U created by Dug Cryosphase

Reports

Scenario A by Vladya von Uberflussen
Apparently, someone had broken into the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons, and Capt. Dug sent me and Squall to investigate. We arrived at the Sanctuary at 9 o’clock am, where Lady Tilly Vespucca explained that whoever had broken into the building, hadn’t taken anything with him, exept for two of the dragons. After we wondered a bit about how one man could steal two sick dragons without the three of them exploding, I started to sniff around a bit, and found out that the two dragons and the thief had gone in different directions. Lady Vespucca demanded we’d track down the dragons first, and later worried about the thief, and since only one of us had the nose to track anything, we decided to do what the Lady asked. So we started to follow the trail, which lead to the Alchemists Guild House, where everybody was desperately trying not to scare the dragons. They were eating the Alchemists' supplies of... well, about everything. Since dragons hate vampires (can’t stand our smell, apparently) I decided to find out where the thief had gone. His trail went just about everywhere, and I almost lost it a couple of times, but I finally arrived in the Shades, in one of those dark, damp lairs of the less fortunate thiefs. (I also must report I was attacked several times, and had to hurt some of them before they gave up. I didn’t have the time to bring them to the Watch House, so I just left them there) I thought I had smelled the thief was bleeding, and when I entered his ‘home’, I saw I had been right. The thief was much too frightened to resist, and I brought him to the Watch House. Squall had already gotten the dragons back to Lady Verspucca safely and had returned to the Watch House.

Report Scenario B by Annette
Sarge
Laft night you sent me to the Fixable Drum to inveftigate reports of an elderly lady in a pointy hatte causing trouble.
There are Some things even a Watchman should notte have to Do.
I approached Said elderly womanne in Said Pointy Hatte and enquired of her her name and Businesse. She replyed in the Followeing Fafhion:
“What’s it to yewwe, copper?”
It was Apparent that she had been Drinking spiritous Liquors and was Under the Influence and lkelie to Cause a Breache of the Piece. I informed her that I would caution her if she didde notte Moderate her Behavioure. At thif point Joe “Scragger” Harris caused Actual Bodily Harm to “Mad Jacko” Morrison when He attempted to get behind the remains of the Snugge.
The old age penfioner then infomed me that she was Grandma Nadgernocker and that she was, as she putte it “a bit of a goer”. She then winked at me and gave me a moft Unpleasante look, and performed a gesture that I didde notte know the meaning of. She placed her Left Hand in the Crooke of her Right Elbowe whilst making a Fifte of her Righte Hande.
“I ‘m a Witche”, she went on to say
“Which Witche”, I asked her
“This Witche ‘ere”, she replied
“What ear where”, I asked, feeling a little confused as to her meaning. It was then I notifed that she was carrying an Offenfive weapone, itemme one Broomsticke. I noticed said Broomfticke because of its own Accorde it gave me a glancing Blowe about the Right Ear.
The old bagge besom battleaxe LADY then laughed in a most Offenfive way and made a sound with her mouth which Corporal Runesmelter later told me was termed a “Rafpberrie” when I demonftrated it to himme. The elderly Rattebagge then said
“Never mind son, if you don’t pick it, it will get better” and cackled in a most Provocative manner. A Monkie accompanied by one of the Wizzards from the Unseen University picked me up from the ground where I had fallen. I thanked the wizzarde for having such a well trained Monkie, which then punched me in the face, picked me up by the Lefte Foote, swungge me Aboute, and Threw me at the Dartboard, unfortunately upsetting the match of two Barbarians who took Grate Exception to this interruption to their Game.
When I was able to walk again I decided I would not persue this Line of Enquiry further. With the assiftance of the Wizarde I was able to return to the Watche House where you told me to make my report. I do notte understand why the other watchmen, and especially the Commander and Yourselfe found my predicament so amufing. The wizard very kindly offered me some Dried Frog pills which I gratefully received. I went to the Apothecary thif morning for some More. Here comes Mr Melon, ha ha, here we go round the jelly bush hooray!

Scenario D by bones
It had come to the attention of Captain Dug that there was a new gangster in town who goes by the name of “Hatchett Harry“. The Captain sent Beaky and myself out to investigate. Our first port of call was the licensed tavern known as The Slightly Broken But Still Fixable Drum. Whilst mingling in plains clothes it was sometimes necessary to buy drinks (see expenses list, pg 6, subsection 5 (ii)). After several hours of detectoring I found myself talking with well known wannabe thief Here 'n' Now. He told me that it is him who is turning over the restaurant of All Jolson earlier today and not Hatchett Harry. Beaky explained to me the finer points of understanding Here 'n' Now's unique fashion of speaking and we had our first clue.
The very next day, though not to early, we set out to investigate the disturbance at Jolson's, the Commander had told us that no such disturbance had been recorded so we proceeded cautiously. On entering the restaurant we found small notches in the wall, those that looked very much like they had been caused by an axe, ergo a hatchett! The place seemed empty but I found All tied up in the stockroom. It took quite a while to untie him. It's a mystery where anyone could get rope that long from. When he stood up I couldn't see his face, so I had to sit on Beaky's head. All explained that the man had burst in waving madly with his axe and causing a right rumpus. After a moments thought he changed his mind, deciding it was more of a fracas. After a few short explanatory sentences All rushed off to eat something, saying he hadn't eaten since yesterday lunch time.
The rest of his statement took some time to get and I just managed to snatch pieces of conversation between mouthfulls. It would appear that Harry had been interogating All as to the whereabouts of Rosie Palm's establishment. All say he doesn't know why he was the one chosen for interogation. He also turned a mighty strange colour to that like the jam tarts he was scoffing.
After further questioning at Mrs. Palm's place (a very instructive afternoon) it was decided that nothing strange was occuring at all. Hatchett Harry was just lonely and looking for some negotiable affection.
This concludes the report of Lance-constable T.Bones

Scenario F by Bones
Lance-constable Tzi and i were called to a disturbance at the clacks tower, Ankh Morpork. On arrival we found the current Archchancellor Ridcully the Brown preparing a levitation spell [Gindle's Effortless Elevator], however he had encountered difficulties and was heard to be shouting "Runes! Will you give me that damn staff!"- the meaning of this is unknown.
At this point I tried to question the Archchancellor but he did not notice me until I picked him up and whirled him around my head..
It was then that lance-constable Tzi brought to my attention the man up in the tower throwing rocks errr lumps of carboniferous limestone. After calculating the trajectory I ascertained that he was aiming for the Archchancellor.
I climbed the stairs to the clacks tower at great personal risk and apprehended the miscreant [his nose will fix no problem], who appeared to be wearing a green dress.
Both men were brought to Chitterling Street Station for questioning. It turned out that the thrower of rocks towit the man at the clacks tower was Hughnon Ridcully [Chief Priest to Blind Io], the Archchancellor's brother. It would appear that Hughnon had stolen the Archchancellor's last batch of wow-wow sauce. After the theft the priest had been chased by the UU faculty at the Archchancellors bidding and had taken stronghold of the clacks tower.
The priest broke down in tearsand said the next batch would not be through for another fort-night.
In the end Wee Mad Alli, towit the commander, vis a vis you, suggested Hughnon pray for some. Blind Io must have been drunk because a month's supply of wow-wow sauce and a chaffinch [reason unknown] appeared on the reception desk.
At that time C.M.O.T. Dibbler, independent merchant trader, was in the reception complaining about the actions of I.G.T.G Foroo. At which point he ran out of the station and was last seen heading for the Temples.
This concludes the report of Recruit T.Bones

Scenario J by Dug Cryophase
After the initial yes and Ook, we had the basics. During the evening, someone had broke into the Library. The Librarian heard the crash of the door, but could not find the criminals. So, he has come to The Watch. He would like our assistance, but does not want the Wizards to know. I decided to send Beaky and Bones. Beaky so he could use the BoRRCS, and Bones because of his size. The tandem worked out well. Beaky was able to examine the damaged door in the Library. He figured no one had broke in, but someone had broke out. The Librarian said he was the only one inside. He checked twice. Beaky said the imprint on the inside of the door was too large to be a fist. It was made by something else. Bones then grabbed a book and went running at the door. He leapt...and the Librarian caught him. There was a furious exchange about the 'Ethical Treatment of Books', but Bones proved his point. A book had broken out of the Library. Upon further inspection of the Library, Beaky found a broken chain. They then left the Library and went into the Courtyard. Bones found the smallest of marks, caused by something being dragged. The chain. The followed the path and found the book cowering in a corner by the High Energy Building. The Librarian retrieved the book and returned it to the Library.
A job well done. Scenario O, by Beaky Largefoot.

Report O by Beaky Largefoot.

After being briefed by the Commander I (Constable Beaky Largefoot) proceeded in the company of Lance-Constable Vladya to the Plaza of Broken Moons where a gang of Dwarves were repvted to be digging a hole. As we neared the Plaza we heard the vnmistakeable sound of “Gold, Gold, Gold, Gold” the big new dwarf tune. On arriving in the Plaza we saw at least thirty dwarves digging a large hole in the centre, I apprehended a dwarf (picked him vp) and proceeded to qvestion him. The dwarf (Rolf Thighbiter, a waiter at Gimlets Hole Food Deli) told us they had fovnd a map showing treasvre bvried here. On inspection of the map it became apparent it was written on a napkin with a trace of mvstard on the corner, none of the dwarves knew who fovnd the map or where it came from, which was very svspiciovs. At this point Lance-Constable Vladya noticed something odd, “Where is the dirt Beaky?” was her question. Indeed no piles of dirt were to be fovnd arovnd the place even thovgh the hole was very big. I ordered the Lance-Constable to follow any smell of dirt leaving the Plaza and after warning the dwarves we wovld retvrn (which made no difference to the digging) we followed the trail. Eventvally we came to a warehouse with the sign annovncing (mvst have been magical, it was very lovd) “Diggler’s Occvlt Bedding Svpplies”. We qvestioned CMOT Dibbler and it seems he had tricked the dwarves into digging to svpply dirt for Vampire coffins. We pointed ovt that dirt was available ovtside the city (and pointed out this wovld be a safe place to go once we told the dwarves) and left for the Plaza as Dibbler suddenly decided to take a holiday.
We told the dwarves who have refilled the hole in order to construct a town hall on the spot to hang CMOT Dibbler up by when they catch him.
Beaky Largefoot (Constable)

Scenario P by Aconita Silversmith
Commander:
You asked me to investigate the troll riots in Quarry Lane. Well I jumped onto the ole broomstick toot sweet and buggered off down there (although my new sheet iron pointy hat and breastplate do slow it down a bit, it’s still quicker than walking).
Call that a riot? I’ve seen more violent games of dominoes. Yer average troll right, not what you would call quick on the uptake, yeah? Well, one hits another one, it takes ten minutes before he say “ow”, waits for a brain cell to engage and then goes off to find someone smaller to hit. When I arrived they were all looking for pebbles to kick around.
Anyway, they saw me coming and started to go for nonchalant, which is a sure sign that they are guilty of something. I spoke to one and asked him what his name was.
‘Dunno’
‘What’s going on here?’
‘Dunno’
‘Anything to do with the dwarfs?’
‘Dunno’
‘You do know I’m in the Watch, right, and I could have you in the cells just like that’
‘Er………’
‘Yeah, I know, “Dunno”’
‘Er………’
You know them loincloths they wear, well, a quick parry with the broomstick and I had it up and off him. Don’t know what they’ve got to be so shy about, if you get my drift. Didn’t exactly put me in mind of cucumbers. A cackle at the right time did the rest.
‘Deres no need for dat missus, you only had to ask’
‘And?’
‘Well, you know troll teef, de’re made from dem fings what you humans call di a mons?
‘And?’
‘Well, someone’s sellin dem to der werewolves up in Uberwald’
‘What do they want them for?’
‘Dunno’
‘Any idea who’s doing this?’
‘Nah’
‘When do you notice your teeth have gone?’
‘Well, de’re dere at night when we go to bed, and de’re gone when we get up in der morning’
Well, commander, there’s only one kind of sick pervert who takes teeth at night, the bloody Tooth Fairy, innit! The trolls haven’t got the sense to see that none of them could take each others’ teeth out without them knowing, so I explained it to them and the fighting has now stopped. That just leaves the problem of which Tooth Fairy is doing this and why.
I decided to go down to Quarry Lane at night with my familiar, the cat Smokey, to see if I could catch the perverted little so and so and caught her right in the act, bag of diamonds in one hand, pliers in the other. Once I had hold of her (or rather, fourteen pounds of enraged tom cat had hold of her), she came clean, especially when I used a bit of silence at her. Give ‘em a silence and they just have to fill it. Seems the werewolves are planning an invasion and are using the diamonds to buy a bit of help. The Tooth Fairy gets AM$100 per diamond tooth, she leaves 50 pence for the tooth and is dollars in. I had her right in front of the Patrician first thing, and she’s in the scorpion pit as I write this, suffering a thousand agonies (although the Patrician was sarcastic at her so the scorpion pit must have come as a bit of a relief).
Any road up, that’s all I have, the Patrician seems very pleased at the prospect of an invasion, he said ‘it will give you fellows something to do’, and smiled in that way of his. Nasty.
Well, I’m off for a bit of scrying in my diamond ball.
See yer
Aconita Silversmith
Witch Watchbeing
And don’t you forget it.

Report Scenario Q by Aconita Silversmith

Preface:
Commander Alli sat in her office, having summoned Lance Constable Silversmith. If Aconita didn’t know better, she would say that the Commander was nervous, scared even.
“Ah, Aconita, just the person, I have an assignment for you. There’s an old man standing on the corner of the street, just outside the Watch House. Says nothing, does nothing. Does nothing but stand there, with a faint smile on his face. It’s giving me and the rest of the shift the willies, and I think you should deal with this. Could be occult.”
“Well, occult’s right up my alley, ain’t it Commander?”
“Lance Constable, this is serious! No mucking about now! Remember Rule One!”
The rest of the shift could hear Commander Alli’s voice, so rarely raised in anger, from the rest room. No one was talking; no one was joking, or playing darts. Everyone seemed rather anxious, without really knowing why. One or two shifted on their seats uneasily, and everyone glanced at one another. Some murmured to themselves “remember Rule One”.
“Sorry Commander. You know this ‘simple witch from Lancre’ bit is only an act, and you’ve always said you don’t really want me to use my witch’s sense, only my copper’s sense”.
“Well, now I need you be a witch, Lance Constable. I have a sense too, you know, a sense of self-preservation, and it’s twanging in every nerve. This is something I can’t handle. Be careful, don’t get hurt, and if the worst comes to the worst (gods help us), I will have to ask the wizards”.
“No! This is watch business!”, said Aconita and left the room.
Commander Alli pulled a bottle out from her desk drawer, looked at it and then put it back. Not the time, or the place, she thought. The admission that she couldn’t deal with this had been a hard one, and she needed something to do. Instead she took out a Slim Panatella and lit it, the normally smooth smoke tasted bitter and was carefully stubbed out after a few puffs.
“Gods, I hope she can handle this”, she said aloud

Now read on…
Commander:
After picking up my broomstick, I went outside to see what was going on. The broomstick, as you know, is made from sapient pearwood, and has been in my family for centuries. As I carried it downstairs I could feel it in my hand, resisting my touch and trying to get away. I put a firm grip on it and carried it outside.
As I went outside I could hear a voice in my head whispering, “remember Rule One” over and over again. I walked slowly up to the old man. He was dressed like a History Monk, but with an important difference, he didn’t feel like one. History monks are healers of time and of gentle purpose, all I could sense was a hunger, a hunger for life; not lived, but taken.
A crowd had gathered; silent and watchful. At the edge I saw what was to me, a familiar figure.
IT IS AN AUDITOR, he said BUT RENEGADE AND QUITE MAD. IT SEEKS TO TAKE LIFE FROM THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED IT, TO TASTE SOMETHING IT CAN NEVER HAVE.
“What can I do?” I asked.
Death turned to me and grinned. NOTHING he said. “There must be something”, I said desperately. USE YOUR MIND, he said, and held out his hand. The three tiny lifetimers were indistinct, fading from view and then reappearing. Then I knew what must be done. I pushed the voice from my mind and I turned to face the Auditor. As I walked towards it I let go of the broomstick which fled from my hand and clattered into the doorway of the watch house. The door had been shut and bolted once I had left and it clattered pathetically against the door in its efforts to be let in.
My body fell to the ground, lips and hands blue and cold, and the auditor’s composure flickered for a moment. There was a barely audible sound of drawn breath from the crowd. The people in the crowd began to stir as the auditor’s control of their minds slipped for a moment.
What is this? We see there is life, but no life
’WE?’ said Death. YOU DARE TO SAY ‘WE’! YOUR OWN KIND HAVE DISOWNED YOU, FOR YOU ARE INSANE! YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HERE, NOW GO!
No! We, I, must know
DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU AUDITORS, WITH YOUR RULES AND LOGIC, DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT A WITCH CAN SEND HERSELF FROM HERSELF WHEN SHE NEEDS TO? THAT LIFE IS NOT A COMMODITY, BUT A PRECIOUS GIFT NOT TO BE CAST AWAY OR TAKEN WITHOUT REASON? YOU ARE TRULY PITIFUL.
Death’s disgust at the creature held it spellbound for long enough. I had managed to Borrow the mind of the pearwood of the broomstick, and bringing it up sharply, cracked the skull of the monk. The figure of the monk faded, a grey figure appeared, and with a cry of fear and longing, faded away to nothing.
When it had done so, three tiny figures appeared by Death’s side, and, quite unafraid, flung themselves into his arms.
THEY WERE PLAYING IN THE PARK, AND YOU WILL FIND THEIR BODIES THERE. THEIR LIVES WERE TAKEN FROM THEM, WITHOUT PAIN, AT LEAST. I AM SORRY. OH, AND THANK YOU. QUITE RESOURCEFUL UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
I bowed. “Thunderbolt iron”, I mumbled. “Bound round the bristles”.
The four figures became fainter as they danced away, laughing and singing “Ring a ring o’ roses, a pocketful of posies, Atishoo! Atishoo! We all fall down!”
As the spell broke and the crowd moved away, a couple of watchmen helped me to find the bodies of the children. I went to see the parents, but what could I say? Only that some madman had gone on the rampage, but had been caught and had now been hanged. A lie, but what else could I say? The truth would have scarcely have been believed, would it? I scarcely believe it myself.
I now know that I can never be anything other than a witch. I also know that I can never be anything other than a watchman. Only time will tell which will prevail.
Lance Constable Aconita Silversmith