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April, 2003




4/29/03-An incessantly cleared throat natural yet idiosyncratic functions gone awry attention refocusing deep sighs rubbing thighs humming nasal whines nervous irritable fidgeting leg and foot swings hand wringing fists clinching relaxing intermittent belching spitting swallows bouncing on foot balls grimacing eyebrows raising again yet again ever again sniffs snorts genitals scratching pants hiking food slurping lip pursing smacking cheeks puffing blowing bubbles smoking gum chewing inhaling repetitiously shaking imagined drops off post peeing phallus head bobs jerks banging knuckles cracking shoulder stretches windups fast-ball farts pitches sliders follow-throughs honks rocking deep knee bends finger and toe tapping facial tics meaningless smiles frowns bra or skirt repositioning itchy pantyhose tongue clicking it is so hard to simply relax and be still...




4/13/03-I sat alertly eager and intent in the second row in her class near the side with a view and scanned quickly the reading material she'd passed out a few moments before she made several comments about the study at hand suggesting as well some further reading for the next session and then said that as yet none of the students had turned in the assigned report on alexander hamilton a mass delinquency she found puzzling in the extreme and went on to warn of the consequences of getting behind in the syllabus the study materials and the diaried papers due one day there would begin a series of oral and written exams she noted and how could we expect to do well if we were not keeping up as she continued speaking I glanced about in something of a daze a trance I looked at the small assignment blackboard there clearly chalked out were the readings and other homework assigned for today and underneath the next lesson's tasks what had I been thinking I wondered that this was all news to me now I looked down around my desk searching frantically for my knapsack it appeared I had brought only a notepad for jotting down thoughts but had with me neither texts nor anything else at all related to the courses indeed on reflection I could not recall my schedule for the rest of the day certainly not the week or month in fact now that I pondered the matter I could not remember having gone to a single other class and the semester was already more than half over where had I been even with the best will in the world how could I possibly catch up at this point with a hurried search at the libraries or bookstores perhaps I could acquire the missing volumes to grasp the vast amount of information therein to actually experience the lessons and their insights however during the few remaining weeks till the exam period quite beyond my capacities I was sure with great alarm I realized I must drop all the academic work for this period a total waste as if I'd never even started I peered out the window and saw the spring blossoms the happy students walking by I must soon depart this sunny setting in shame I realized and with nothing to show for it as though I were now a ghost looking back on a scene from before but one I'd not truly lived saying this to myself I understood at last that I had in fact not been in school none of these faces about me were friends or even real I had no classes to which to go this idyllic campus did not exist all my fretting and scholarly hopes or inquiry had been in vain...

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