The Peacock and the Pig
By Troy Morash

Long, long ago there lived a peacock and a pig. The peacock was a highly respected bird. He walked straight and wore the most delightful clothing. He knew how to say please and thank you and he always ate his food in a very beautiful way, wiping his mouth like a performer after every bite. But what everyone loved the most about him was how he praised everyone in the kingdom, and so everybody knew him and admired him. This made him the proudest peacock in the entire kingdom.

But when the peacock was alone he was quite a different bird. He always swore to himself and ate his food really fast taking huge bites at a time, making a mess all over his tablecloth and clothes. Then when he finished he would burp and throw away everything he did not eat, including the dishes since he did not like to clean. He never washed himself, except when he had to meet people. And when he was not with someone he would be home mumbling nasty things about everyone and making other rude noises.

But the pig of course was just a pig. Whatever he did in private he would do in public. He always grunted and made a mess when he ate and although he always tried to clean up, he usually made a mess cleaning up the mess. He only bathed when it rained and so unfortunately smelled bad most of the time. He always spoke his mind about other people whether they were present or not and so never said anything about anybody that he couldn't say to their face. And the pig was like this all the time both in private and in public.

Now a righteous king ruled the kingdom, in which the peacock and the pig lived. He never taxed the people more than his advisors advised. And if anything bad happened he simply arranged games for everyone to play. The king also had a daughter whom he loved very much. She was beautiful, young and because she was a princess, very rich. But she had a wicked heart.

One day, because the princess was bored, she decided to have a contest. Posters were posted that said that whoever could impress the princess and excite her more than anyone else, would win her hand in marriage. And she persuaded her father to make every single male enter. And so it became the law.

Of course the wicked girl had no intention of marrying anyone. The whole contest was arranged simply to amuse her. She made her servants go into the villages and spy on every single male and find one thing that would embarrass each one, so that when they stood on the stage in front of her and everyone else, she could make a fool out of them.

The peacock was only too glad to enter. He thought that he would certainly win. Everyone loved the peacock and they thought he would win too. The pig however, did not want to go and thought the whole thing a nuisance.

Finally, after much preparation, the day of the contest arrived. There was a huge stage built inside the castle grounds with many candles and things around it. There were booths all around with people selling candy and underneath the stage was a big band playing all the music that had been written up until that time. When the peacock found out that the pig was in the contest, he laughed and laughed. But the pig did not care. He was only there because he had to be and when it was over he would be glad just to go home.

The princess was having a great time. She had so far managed to embarrass every man that walked onto the stage. Every handsome prince or barber that walked onto the stage left in tears. 'Isn't it true my lord that you chew your toes when you are alone?' Or, 'isn't it true my lord that you stare at yourself in the mirror and pretend that you are the king?' and on and on it went. Indeed the princess was having a real jolly day. Never in the history of humanity had so many people been ashamed of themselves in one day. Then it was the peacock's turn to try and impress the princess. He strutted around in his best feathers, slicking back his plumage, winking at all the girls, especially the princess. He blew kisses into the air and wiggled his bum in front of everyone. The girls loved that. He certainly was one hot bird. But before he was finished the princess stopped him, 'I want to ask you a few questions. I understand that everyone thinks you are special. Is that true?'

'As a bear loves honey, as my eyes do bare a pocket full of money,' he said in a gentle tone that made everyone clap their hands.

'That's fine. You also look at yourself in the mirror a lot, don't you?' the princess said as her tiny mouth began to curl.

'As a bear loves honey, as my eyes do bare a pocket full of money,' said the peacock as it bowed low enough to scratch its knees with the back of its neck.

'That's fine, but I've heard that when you are alone you burp and swear. I've also heard that you have no manners when you are alone and that you eat like a pig. I've also heard that you say nasty things about people and that you really don't like anyone. Is that true as well Mr. Peacock? Mr. Peacock are you like a pig and do you wear a wig?'

Unfortunately the peacock was so full of himself that there was not a spare inch left in his ears for anyone else's words. 'As a bear loves honey, as my eyes do bare a pocket full of money,' and the peacock bowed low in one of the most graceful bows of all time.

'Although you look nice on the stage, I understand that in reality when you are alone, you live like a pig that makes rude noises,' the princess said nearly laughing her head off.

This time the peacock heard all too clear and was very embarrassed. All the girls were laughing at him, the whole crowd that had gathered was laughing at him. He knew he was ruined and he felt so ashamed that he had to say as was as poetically possible, 'so a bear loves honey, oh, my ears are sore. My dear that is not funny. Please say no more.'

'Pig!!' the princess sang and so everyone else started chanting it too: 'Pig, pig, pig!'

The peacock ran off the stage with his shame thick on his beak and he was never seen again. But when the pig heard everyone calling his name he thought it was his turn and so he walked up on the stage and everyone started laughing even harder and the princess started grunting like a pig, hoping to make fun of the pig.

Now while all this was happening the king had slipped into the crowd disguised as a philosopher. He was horrified to see what his daughter was doing. He called one of her servants over and forced him to tell all about his daughter's dreadful plans.

'Oh how cruel my daughter has become,' wept the king openly, 'I must teach her a lesson before she later becomes a wicked queen.' So the king rushed towards his daughter to punish her, when an idea came to his mind and so he decided to wait until she had finished embarrassing the pig.

'I understand that you are a pig,' the princess said with a cruel laugh.

'Why yes can't you see, what else could I be?' the pig said as he stuffed some food into his mouth.

This did not please the princess and the audience became silent.

'Well you are dirty and you smell bad.'

'Why yes can't you see, what else can I be?' the pig said again as he scratched himself in public.

'Well you, uh, you're ugly and gross!!' the princess said as she nervously looked at those who were around her.

'Why yes can't you see, are you blind? What else can I be?'

'Oh go away, you're no fun,' said the princess. She was upset as she was unable to embarrass the pig. In fact, the pig embarrassed her.

'I can't tell you how much fun it's been,' said the pig, happy to be on his way, 'yet all the same, I don't think I will come back again, you silly little girl.'

At that moment the king appeared and stopped the pig.

'My daughter, I have been watching what has happened here today...'

'Oh dear father then you saw how this horrible pig acted towards me. Please have him killed so we can have him for dinner. He has no respect for royalty.'

'No my girl, I'm sorry but it's your behavior that horrifies me. I know what you have been doing here today, trying to make a fool of every man in my kingdom. Well I will have none of it and so you must be punished. I have decided that you will marry the pig.'

'Oh no daddy, please no, I'll die!' The princess was truly horrified as was the pig to be sure.

'Not if I kill you first. You will do as I say. This is the best way to teach you not to play with my kingdom,' roared the king

The princess started crying as did the pig.

'Come Mr. Pig take my daughter's hand and follow me to our castle for there is so much that I much show you. You will be my son-in-law by tomorrow evening.'

But the pig protested.

'Good sir with all due respect towards you, I can't marry your daughter.'

'Why not? Do you realize how rich you will be and the power you will have, with a beautiful wife by your side for as long as you'll need?'

'Yes I understand but, well, first of all I find your daughter to be a very repulsive person. She is cruel and heartless and it would be a far worse life for me than it would be for her. And secondly I already enjoy my life now as it is. I couldn't possibly be a prince because I'm already a pig. It would be much too confusing to be two things at once. So sir I beg you, do not punish me.'

Well this little speech that the pig gave really insulted the princess and all the people started laughing.

'Wait until everyone hears about this. A pig refused to marry the princess. Ha! Ha! Ha!' The whole kingdom laughed and their laughs echoed throughout the kingdom for many years. The princess was so hurt and ashamed that she covered her face with her hands and ran to her chamber in tears.

When the king saw that the princess had received her just punishment he gratefully released the pig from his duty to marry. But not before he was handsomely paid in gold. And then the king went home happy and wise. The pig went home happy, rich, filthy and shameless. And the princess grew up to be a very noble and righteous Queen.

So there!

© 2002 Troy Morash. All Rights Reserved.