About Me

I should tell you a little about myself if this site is going to make any sense at all.

I'm not going to give out my real name (I get a little paranoid about security) but my pen-name is Carantus. That is Gaulish for "love" apparently.

In terms of religious background - my grandmother was raised a Scottish Presbyterian, but converted to Catholicism when she married my grand-dad (who was an Irish Catholic). My mother was brought up a Catholic (you know how faithful converts can be!) and sent to a convent school. As soon as she left, she lapsed. My dad's mother was brought up a Catholic but converted to Anglican after she married my grand-dad (who was variously a Methodist and a deep sympathiser with the Salvation Army, whose work during the second World War he very much admires). My dad was brought up Methodist and Church of Scotland (they moved a lot). He's not particularly religious now. My mum sometimes goes to Mass, with me and my dad, but more for the music and ceremony than religion. She thinks Christianity was invented by Paul, not by Jesus.

My parents decided to christen me in the Church of England, mostly in case I died as a child (sort of, better be safe than sorry), because I had two sisters who died as babies. I went to church - usually Catholic churches but sometimes Church of England) with my mother's mother when I was little, but that stopped after she died when I was seven.

I remember impressing my school teachers with my knowledge of the Bible when I was in primary school (ie under 11). I had one of those childrens' bibles. However, I took a massive dislike to the New Testament then, and only liked the OT. Its more interesting to a child - fire and fighting and stuff. I also come from a rather sexist working-class background, which means I naturally saw Jesus as a rather effeminate wimp. "Real men" just don't lie down and take things where I come from. I preferred the OT and the stories of the Norse gods.

I studied religion at school, and my school had Christian prayers and hymns a lot. Thats common (actually compulsory, or it used to be) in the UK. I hated it, as did everyone else. It was very fake and believe me, there is nothing more irritating than to hear someone praying (and you're supposed to pray with them) that you have a happy & hardworking time at school when you've just come back from the holidays! I liked the hymns, but as I got older, couldn't sing them anymore because of that curious inability of hymn-players to understand that girls' voices get deeper too!.

I went on to study religion again when I moved school to do my A-levels (16-18). I wanted to study the Old Testament (we had a choice between OT and NT) but unfortunately in that school only Jews were allowed to study it. (Don't ask me why). So I ended up studying John's Gospel verse by verse for two years.

I loved it. It was then that I discovered that the NT wasn't as wimpy and boring as I had always thought. I actually read it for the first time since I was about eight, and discovered I liked it. Though I still don't like Mark's Gospel much. In fact I liked it so much I decided to study it at university.

I enjoyed studying Christianity - my favourite bit was doctrinal theology. Strangely enough I discovered I didn't like studying the OT in depth anymore, though I would have liked to study the Psalms, and Ecclesiastes.

I had a couple of times at university when I decided to go all out for Christ - mostly precipitated by my academic love of the religion, and by discovering Christian communities online. However, I also got ill, and discovered the downside to those Christian communities. (Being called the incarnation of Satan is so nice).

I also discovered some of the problems I have with Christianity, and I've been struggling with it ever since. Another essay will be on my mental problems & faith.

I'm now 22, and I forgot to mention that I'm female. Still interested in religion, and I don't think, whatever I become, that I'll lose my appreciation of at least parts of Christianity, but I do have grave difficulties with it. Its those problems I would like advice/comments on if possible.

-Carantus

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