|USEFUL ADVICE FOR THOSE IN HORRIFIC SITUATIONS
The Horror Handbook: How to Survive in a Horror Movie
|1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses,
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion move away
3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using
a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.
6. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
7. If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially
don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out.
8. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're
driving with them to the place.
9. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
10. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere neara grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other
domiciles of the dead.
11. Always check the back seat of your car!
|12. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
13. Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
14. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
15. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
17. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:
Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
|18. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
19. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives,
combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from
20. Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from
21. Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
22. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason.
23. If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.
24. Always make sure you have a fresh battery for your car so that it starts up immediately when something evil
25. If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is
mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
26. Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.
27. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means
of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
28. On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
29. If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force,
alien or otherwise:
DO NOT call the police as they are:
A) already taken over themselves and will turn you in or
B) will not believe you and laugh at you. Then lock you up until the thing finds you.
30. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
31. If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay
together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the
church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways
because you are inferior to them.
32. If any animals, such as Birds, Piranhas, Spiders, etc. beginto exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostille
towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to
any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.
33. Never make fun of the local yokal's stories about deformed babies or backwoods maniacs, you can bet
they are real and you might make it mad.
34. When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
35. When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the
previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.
36. When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off
alone to hunt for the ship's cat.
37. Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the
all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake.)
38. If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense,
because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is
Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload.)
39. If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many
anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.
40. Don't open any closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from
the other side.
41. If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow
the noises to see who your ";guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Never pick up the phone and call for help,
chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of
42. If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular),
and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course,
it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.
43. If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always
demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark,
underground stations to get on a subway.
44. If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask ";what's wrong?" don't stop
and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not -
that's their tough luck.
45. When you're searching the house because you think there is something dangerous there, for God's sake turn
the lights on! And never back out of one room into another, it's always behind you.
46. Never turn off the main road and onto a dirt or gravel road.
47. If you are a well endowed female, you'll be the first one to die, especially if you take your clothes off. If you
Have sex in the woods you can be assured a bloody death.
48. After you kill the maniac, DO NOT drop your weapon of choice. They are not dead and you will need it later.
49. Never run to the top of a building or house. Use the front door or a window.
50. If you hear a strange noise, and upon investigation a cat leaps out - DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT breath
a sign of relief. The cat wasn't the one making the noise. It was the maniac standing just behind you!
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