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My si started whejn i was 14. I remeber my dad having small parties ( watching the hockey game )downstairs in the living room while we *my bro and i* were suppose to be sleeping. I sometimes sat at the top of the steps thinking and crying. I wan't even sure why then. I just felt that i needed to cry. I know that i did feel neglected, and more like a burden then anything. I think that i knew then that my dad loved me.
I would hit myself first. Yes with my own fists. My dad hates me now. He WONT talk to me. WHY? for being a kid, not being the perfect little girl that he wanted. Well *i think* he's just gonna have to live with it. I tried to tell him that i was going out with my friends, But NO ANSWER. wouldn't even ackowledge that i was there. Even if i stood directly in front of him. I was ignored. I would come home, and MOM would be up still. "where the fuck were you?" I told her "didn't Dad tell you". I cant believe He didn't say shit. Like i was NO ONE. And i was no one. I let this be for at least just over a year. I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't! I was SO sick of being ignored cause i liked boys.
In the car : "Did you kiss him?" my mom asked... Yes of course. Its been 8 months weve been together OF COURSE I DID. *dad snarls* Fuck dad who do you want me to be. I did kiss my boyfriend and yes i did fuck him. *just bought another year at LEAST*
Tunred out to be like 3 years: this time i met a girl and finaly admitted I was a lesbian. YUP, im a dyke!. Mom asks all the time. i just say "mom, why are you asking that" then she would shut the fuck up. Excpet she finnaly asked. "are you a lesbian? you never answer me ya know"?. I had to tell her. Yes i am. She cries and tells me she knew. *same thing EVERY ONE SAYS* Then all i know is that my mom joined PFLAG. WHat a cool mom! My dad on the other hand, decided that this is another reason to HATE me. I thought, Ah well. Fuck him. He wasnt happy when i was striaght. and he aint happy when im a lesbian. SO FUCK HIM!
Cutting for the first time: The blood trickled from the letter S that i carved on my arm. Holy FUCK! Why doesn't this hurt. My first boyfriend ever didn't believe me when i said i loved him. At least i thought he did! I mean i was Young! So what better way to proove my love for him was to carve our initials in my arm. I know i know. WHat a tool i am.
I cut because: I cant handle this horrible pain that is in my head. What the fuck is this? There was nothing i could do. So i cut myself. At first i must admit, i don't exactly know why i did it. All i knew is that it felt GREAT. Sure it did hurt a wee bit when i opened my skin with a beer bottle cap that my dad had left around the house. But it made me feel ALIVE, almost real. It felt like a pain killer. I can't help it!
HOw my blood makes me feel: IM not even sure if its seeing my own blood or seeing myself in a situation where i should be hurt, that makes me feel better when i open my own skin to see my blood. it could be that cutting takes away some of my mental pain by masking it with physical. But if i had to choose. Its shooting myself in the foot to forget about the stubbed toe.
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