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On January 23, 2001, I can remember asking my husband to stop at the store so I can run in and get a few things.  I didn't want him to know I thought I was pregnant, so I went in by myself.  When I returned to the car, I kept the bag close by my side so my husband wouldn't look through it.  Well little did I know I would end up falling asleep on our long drive home and my husband would look throught the bag!  Much to his surprise, there was the pregnancy test...

When we finally got home,  I carried the bag up to the house, telling my husband I needed to use the restroom. But before I got the chance, he grabbed the bag, pulled out the pregnancy test and says, "we are doing this together!" I smiled, he smiled and we took the test together.

We decided that neither one of us was going to cheat when it was time to read the results. So we covered up the test right after taking it and left the room. Upon returning, I gently pulled the washcloth back and we both read the results together. No blue line. We thought - okay...so we're not pregnant. But after taking a closer look, we saw a very faint blue line. We referred to the pregnancy test instruction book and read that no matter what shade of blue - whether a faint line or dark line - it is considered positive. We were confused, but decided to consider it a "yes" until another test was taken.

We scheduled a doctor appointment for that Friday. We took the pregnancy test and waited impatiently for the results in the exam room. By this time, my husband and I started talking about names for the baby...about everything. During our conversation, there was a quiet knock at the door. It was the doctor. She was there to tell us that our test has come back negative. I wasn't pregnant.

We left that day feeling sad and helpless. A week passes by, still no period. I called the doctor to schedule another pregnancy test. Immediatly after taking the test, my husband got a message on his pager that he needed to return to work right then. So he left as I waited. Not one minute after him leaving, I was called back to the office where I was told we were pregnant. I was so happy. I only wish my husband could have been there to hear those words.

After telling my husband we were pregnant, we began planning for the arrival of our sweet angel. I was having a fairly normal pregnancy, until one night, I woke up to a "gushing" feeling. I went to the restroom, but saw nothing. No big deal - so I thought. Then, the following night, it happened again. I called the doctor and was told to come in for an exam. After the exam, I was told that my cervix was closed and everything seems to be progressing normally.

A few nights pass, and on March 28, I went to bed feeling light cramping in my lower abdomen. I told my husband I wasn't feeling well and was going to bed for the night. The next morning, as I got out of bed, I felt a strong gush of fluid run down my leg. I thought that maybe my water had broke, but to my surprise, it was blood. I thought, "Oh God, help me please. Please don't let me lose this baby."

I went to the ER and they performed an ultrasound. I got to see the baby for the first time, how cute and small he looked! His measurements dated the pregnancy at 14 weeks. His heart tones were strong and he was having a ball in there...trying to do summersaults and waving his arms around. All I could do was smile until I heard what I couldn't believe. The ultrasound revealed I was in danger of a miscarriage. The placenta was low-lying, at the tip of my cervix, and was detaching from the uterine wall. My heart sank when I heard those words.

...Continued on next page...
~song~  How Do I Live?
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