Out of The Ordinary ©

 

What the hell are you looking at fatty?  Come on now you must be at least 40 going on 60.  Bald and lets not forget OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY GRANDDADDY.  Oh please don’t come over here.  You see I didn’t touch the damn drink you bought me what the fuck do you think that means…NO!  I am not the least bit attracted to someone that reminds me of my Grandfather!  “You mind if I take a seat.”  Fatty asks me like I had a choice to refuse him.  “Free country.”  I reply flatly.  The bartender catches the expression on my face and smirks.  I frown.  “I’m Mark.”  He says as he extends his chubby hand I guess in hopes to shake mine.  “Well hi Mark, I was just waiting for my girlfriend to come join me.  I guess that cream she is buying for my rash is taking awhile.”  Damn the look on his face was priceless at the moment.  Good.  Fatty excuses himself and disappears from my sight.  My vodka definitely needed a refill now and the bartender seemed to read my thoughts, because before I knew it I had another drink in front of me.  What I wouldn’t give to find one guy…Dammit just one guy that was even worth the time and effort to look at in this place.  Are you drunk Liz?  No.  But you wish you were…right?  Yes.  Believe me anything would be more entertaining then this.  Oh God the alcohol was beginning to take its affect on me because the questions in my mind were being said out loud.  Future in alcoholism, Hehe. 

      Before I could break into a chorus of “How dry I am” someone else was bothering me.  “I was asked by the gentlemen in VIP would u like to join him.  I’ll escort you to him.  Please follow me.”  Some dude dressed in all black told me.  “Will the torture never end?!”  My slurred speech spilled.  The dude just shrugged and chuckled at my intoxicated actions.  “Look you tell Mr. VIP if he wants to see me then bring his pompous ass out here, ok?”  I patted the dude on his chest and sent him off.  “Escort him to me, wait no, no…I mean um…escort me to him.  Who the hell do he think he is…Val Kilmore or somethuin.  Please I am a beautiful black woman with a college degree you hear that dammit.  You bring your ass to me.”  I announced from my stool but only the bartender seemed to be listening to me.  “I hear you.”  A tall blonde said to me.  “Oh God you’re a blonde.”  I said dim-wittedly looking at my admirer.  I don’t know why I said it but I just did.  I don’t know though I guess I have never had a thing for blondes you know…well maybe you don’t, but I just don’t like blondes.  They make me think about California and words like dude and bro.  Look my ass is from the Bronx so I try to find the guys that fit my ego all right.  “The last time I checked yeah.”  He grinned.  Oh how cute.  PUKE.  “Are you from California?”  I had to ask because if this motherfucker was this conversation was completely over.  “No…actually I’m from here.”  The blonde said claiming the seat next to me.  “Cute…no really where are you from?”  I asked again because it wasn’t no way goldy locks was from around here.  “No really I was born in Jamestown but as of now I live in Florida.”  Can we say shocked?  Imagine this kid with an accent.  I would have to admit it would be cute.  Did I just say that…no!  I watched his actions intensely and settled that the word pompous was all wrong for him.  He was more like nervous if you ask me.  Oh my God am I speaking to a blonde like he is human…Oh my God yes!

 

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