Prozac and medication had not stopped the sucidial thoughts. The feeling of
uselessness and darkness was overwhelming. I had no hope of ever feeling any
better and the doctors were of no help. Pain and depression had all but stolen
my family, and I really did not seem to care.
I was enclosed in my own self-pity and had built a solid wall around
me.....or, so I thought. Morbid thoughts of death and the release it would give
occupied my mind. A feeling of total hatred for others would often consume me
and I had no compassion for the situtations of those around me....they just
could not understand my own misery, why should I try to understand theirs?
|Withdrawn and angry , I spent most of my time trying to drink it all away...or
trying to find a drug that would releive the hurt and pain
I completely involved myself in my horses and raising them...spending many
hours in the barn, telling them how unfair this life was and setting all night
in the quietness and security of my aloneness with only the animals to complain.
My security was in the knowledge that they did not care how I looked or even how
I smelled as long as I fed them, and they never tried to "talk some sense" into
me. I was content to remain there in the barn alone with only the horses and
dogs and felt secure with them and did not want any people around me if
possible.. This could only fulfill me for so long....people kept crashing into
my world...my daughter became pregrant and my son into drugs. My husband came
into the barn late one night to tell me he wanted a divorce and I did not care,
I expected it. Why not? We had no marriage, no relationship and who cared
anyway?? I certainly didn't, and I was sure he didn't ....he only wanted the
cheaper way out....the least expensive way, I thought that was all he cared
about anyway , his money... cont. next page...
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