An Unusual Daily Devotion

I sit
blanket wrapped around my shoulders.
I do not move.
Neither do I sleep.

Sometimes I stare at my bare feet,
uncurl my toes.
It does little good.
The questions are there, still.
They are but single words: how. why.
But I think I am outmastered.

Sometimes I know they are there.
Sometimes they wait
below my conscious thoughts.
But they never leave,
so I will not back down.

A part of me knows
that questions are signposts
pointing to something
I don't yet understand.
But they must not be unwatched.
If they morph into doubt
they will block my way.
So I face them,
trying desperately to read the signs.

I line them up:
Why am I here?
Why has life
changed at every turn
as though trying to dislodge me?
The blank wall answers with silence.
All I feel is the weight
of terrible burden
upon small shoulders.

When I cannot make progress
the questions go underground.
My unconscious thoughts
take up the battle
to struggle
to understand
and answer
but they tell me little.
And yet they carry on.

Because the mind
in times
of hardship
has been known
to show
an unusual
daily
devotion.

Sometimes the worst question of all
is "why do I have questions?"
I was told that I should be content
and be satisfied that things just "are".
How is it I still find my self wondering,
insisting?
The signposts loom above me.
There is now no doubt that they are there,
every day accompianing me
through every single breath.

All I can feel,
is that the unquestioning reliance
that I could have before
I can have no longer.
I had trusted One Companion rightly,
but the form of trust I had before
is free for me no longer
and I cannot see how
I might ever build another kind
of trust which might withstand more storms.

Still wrapped in my blanket,
I find the words of many others
whose questions would not them go.
With caution I begin to uncover
the questions that have lain and hidden
assailing me unawares.
But now they are there
printed in the light of my bedside lamp.
I find the understandings those before me have reached
as they finally made it past the signposts,
and finally there I see myself.

And trust is rebuilt
stronger this time
and I know again
that there is One Mind
in times of hardship
that has ever been known
to show
an unusual
daily
Devotion.

--Redwing
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An Unusual Daily Devotion:
a poem by Redwing
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