A Rape Survivor's Page

If you know of any links that should go on this web site, e-mail me at onesurvives@hotmail.com.




If You are Raped some immediate steps to take
Links to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Information
Links that deal with Rape, Assault and Abuse.
General Links.
A page for Male Survivors
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I am a rape survivor and I hope my story can help someone. I had previously posed this on Barbados under a different name. Before you read any further, I should warn you that my story may provoke flashbacks in some people. I want to share my story, but not at the cost of hurting someone else. Please, use your best judgement in reading my story.

I was raped by my uncle when I was about 4 or 5 while I was spending the summer at my grandmother's house. It was hot, and I had been playing in her lawn sprinkler, and he was watching me while I played. Later that day when my grandmother and I were both having afternoon naps, he came into my room. I didn't realize he was in with me until I felt him pressing down on me. I can still remember the smell -- alcohol, stale cigarette smoke and rancid sweat. He jerked off my panties before I was really awake, and began fondling me. I remember being afraid and whimpering, but he told me that if I made any noise or told anyone, he would kill me and my baby brother. Something cut my upper thigh -- his zipper maybe, or his pocketknife -- I still have the scar. I was terrified. He told me that he could tell that I wanted it by the way I had been acting earlier in the day. He pressed my face down into the bedpillow and raped me. Through it all, and for a while after he left, I stayed quiet. I just tried to remember the song that my teddy bear played, just sang it to myself, over and over in my head until he left. After a while, I went into the bathroom and saw blood -- on my nightgown, on my legs. I wiped it off and took a bath, only I couldn't turn the hot water knob, so I filled the bath with cold water and shivered as I watched the wisps of blood float in the bath. I felt so very small and sad. My grandmother found me there, shivering in the cold water and I tried to tell her what happenned, but I couldn't talk at all. Grandma thought I was sick, and took care of me for a while until my parents could come and get me.

I wish that was the only time I had been raped. I was so young then, and my memories of it are hazy in places. Unfortunately, my other memories are crystal clear.

My self-esteem has never been very good. I fell into an abusive relationship when I was 16. That man abused and intimidated me in every way possible. I was very afraid of him, and especially afraid of what he might do to me if I upset him. He raped and assaulted me, and had other men rape and assault me several times during our relationship. He humiliated and belittled me. The rapes were just an especially degrading item in his array of torture methods. It almost seems pointless to remember or recount the rapes one by one. It seems more coherent to me to view the whole relationship as one very long assault, with physical episodes. I finally left him by breaking up with him and immediately fleeing the state. I stayed with a family friend for a couple of years while I was in therapy. I never pressed charges. I thought about it, but decided that nothing could ever make up for what he had done to me, and that my life couldn't stand any more intrusion, no matter how well-intentioned. Now, later, I sometimes wish I had gone to the police, although I don't believe they would have done anything about it -- at least, not enough to make up for the trauma that I would have had to go through if I had told the police. What I want more than anything is to know that he can never do this to anyone ever again. What he did to me is beyond comprehnsion. He scarred my body and wounded my soul.

It seems massively unfair to me that I am the one who suffers after these rapes. I have flashbacks and nightmares in which I relive the events. If I were meting out justice, I would se to it that the rapist feels the emotional destruction that comes with rape, that he relives the horror and the pain from the victim's point of view every time he sleeps or gets startled. I would certainly make it so that the victim doesn't have to relive her assault ever, ever again. Once is too much! I firmly believe that rape is a form of torture, just as systematic beatings are torture. Still, I, like too many people, have survived rape. It is because of this survival that I have chosen the candle as a symbol for this web site. If anyone wishes to contact me, they can e-mail me at Onesurvives@hotmail.com.

My web site contains links to web pages and organizations that I believe may help some people who find themselves in a situation similar to my own. If you know of any web pages that should be included on this page, feel free to e-mail me. It is my goal to create a comprehensive listing of rape, sexual assault and abuse resources on the web.





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I was a victim of violence against women. This candle is a symbol of my survival.

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