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Bounty Hunter Hired to Find Saddam
April 21, 2003
WASHINGTON, DC - The Bush administration has contracted mercenary bounty hunter Boba Fett to capture former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, according to a White House press release Saturday.

President Bush and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld expressed their delight with the contract, saying Fett will require minimal time before he finds Hussein and tracks down weapons of mass destruction.

"Donald and I watched videotape of Boba in action last night," Bush said.  "His reputation precedes him.  His unmatched skills of tracking are allegedly even known beyond this planet."

The videotapes provided by the Central Intelligence Agency showed Fett as he worked with several other employers in the past.  In the tapes, a former employer named Jabba contracted Fett to capture an international smuggler and his accomplice who had allegedly avoided repaying a huge financial debt.  Fett performed flawlessly, delivering the smuggler to Jabba after only a brief firefight.

Versed in hand-to-hand combat techniques, Fett will have the task of researching Hussein's location by personally joining the search as well as interviewing already captured Iraqi officials.  His personal arsenal of highly sophisticated weaponry prepares him for confrontations with remaining Republican Guard troops or Hussein's personal bodyguards. 

Bush reported that rumors concerning Fett's death were grossly exagerrated.  Secretary of State Colin Powell attempted to dissuade the administration from hiring Fett, saying he believed Fett to have perished in 1983.

"My sources advised me that Fett plummeted into a dessert pit," Powell said.  "The lack of intelligence found on him since that incident led us to believe he did not survive.  Obviously, we were mistaken."

Fett's career as a bounty hunter began as a child.  He learned his trade from his father, who shared his exact DNA.  Fett realized he wanted to be a bounty hunter when he witnessed his own father's decapitation during a battle with several Jedi knights.

"When [the Jedi] killed him, I knew it was my destiny to avenge his death," Fett told the Associated Press.  "But right now I need some money, so I'm taking the Hussein job.  Once Saddam is within U.S. custody, I'll return to my lifelong goal of bringing about Jedi extinction."

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