Outside, Looking In

It is raining. Again. I stare out of the window, only to see you with him. It still hurts. I have swallowed back my words even before I had the chance to say them out loud to you. I want to say those simple three words to you, but now, only he has the right to do so. The both of you walk away, you with the umbrella, him slowly pushing the bicycle.

You are happy with him. This, I do not want to admit, but it is the truth. Ever since that particular pair of ice-blue eyes burned because of you, your own sweet chocolate ones have shone with another feeling. The sparkle of pure love. Not the one you felt towards Akagi's sister, not just a simple crush. But something that is so pure and yet so profound. With that, he can read your mind. And you him.

What is it that he has and I do not? We both have raven black hair, we both have blue eyes. Why is it that when you look into his blue orbs, you see something that you don't in me? I believe in myself. I believe that my love for you is not less that what he feels for you. So why?

You love him. Even though you do not show your affections directly, those brash acts, the loudness, and the little fights you have with him, these little acts do not escape my eye. You tease each other openly, but people only perceive it as your usual brawl. But I have seen. I have seen him attending to your wounds after one of your little fights. He kissed your wounds, and you just smiled serenely. That smile. I have never seen such a sweet smile before. But it was not directed at me. It hurt.

It hurt since a long time ago. I always thought that you would redeem yourself every time someone made a remark to wake you up. But I was wrong. Only him. You might not realize it then. But it was only him. Only he could make you stand up again, to reach your peak.

I think he knows. I think he knows my feelings for you. Maybe that is why he dislikes me. He has always made me his enemy. But I never did, until I recognized that you were the one who made me feel the bittersweet pain. I have always treated as my greatest opponent, but now it is different. No one knows, because I still cling on to the smiling face I have made for myself. It is not false, or forced, the smile is just my habit. But if only you would look back at me with those soulful eyes, I would have definitely given you my most treasured smile.

You're loud, and rash, very innocent. He is silent, reserved, and acts jealously. I was carefree, stubborn and very happy. We would have gone well together. So why him? Is it because 'Opposites attract'? If so, then why was I attracted to you right from the start? But you have never looked on me as anything more than an honorable opponent. Nothing like how you are looking at the fox-eyed boy now.

I am now inside my warm house, watching you and Rukawa walk in the rain. But I am cold inside. I may be inside, and you outside, but I feel like I am outside, looking in. Looking into your private world from outside. How I long to be in, Hanamichi. I long so much to be in your private world instead of the one beside you.
 

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Opened August 28, 2002
Page uploaded on August 23, 2003