Sunday, February 2, 2003Lately I have had some pangs of questioning our decisions for Abigailís care. I can see that Abigail got dehydrated from the pictures. I just try not to think about it when I am shaky. Did we make the wrong choices? I can't stand to think that we did. I'm just vacillating between wanting to burst into tears and to punch a hole in the wall and itís miserable.
Wednesday, February 5, 2003Yesterday I went to a 3-day meeting out of town for work. I seemed to do ok through all the activities, but last night when I was driving home alone to my hotel, I got that familiar sad, lonely feeling. It is so draining to go to social things and talk about ďstupidĒ things and work when I really want to talk about Abigail. So when I got to the hotel I was really feeling down. When I called home, I found out that not only did my son have pinkeye but also my daughter had spiked a 103 fever. And I just got overwhelmed. I just wanted to be home. But it was rather late and it was a 2 1/2 hour drive home, so I was afraid to try it.
Monday, February 10, 2003Most people would think that now that Abigail has died itís over and we must be glad or relieved to be getting back to normal. But I am seeing that going through it was the easy part; living without her is so much harder. And I've been wishing I'd done some things differently, too. But when I really think about it, those things wouldn't really make it easier because she is still gone.
Tuesday, February 11, 2003It's not fair that our innocence is gone. I just thought you grew up, got married, had kids, and it's that simple. But I have learned the hard way that it is just not that easy for everyone. And that stinks.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003I am starting to feel overwhelmed with all the new ladies with T18 diagnoses on the board. It is so hard to find something encouraging to say when 2 or 3 posts in a row are new moms - it's just too sad. But I am starting to turn into one of the "old-timers" now. I am now at the point where I can tell people "that's normal". Wow. It's strange to think that I am experienced and ďan expertĒ, but in some ways I guess I am.
Thursday, February 13, 2003Another Angel has joined ours in heaven: Savannah Joy died today at almost 2 months old. She had Trisomy 18 like Abigail, and she lives nearby so this has hit me pretty hard.
Monday, February 17, 2003I have been feeling sort of unsettled last night and today. I had an excellent week at work last week; it makes me think I actually DO have a chance to do a decent job again. But Savannah's dying so suddenly really threw me. She had been doing so well. I went to calling hours Saturday night. As I pulled in, my heart started to pound and I suddenly got very nervous. I mean, I had never met her family before and what was I supposed to say? But it was OK. It just tugged at my heart to see their 2 other kids running around like kids do at these things, and how they kept coming back over to Savannah and touching her hands and her face. It was an intense evening, but I really did ok. Her funeral service was the next day and I was surprised that I wasn't really reliving Abigail's funeral, but I was hurting so badly for them that it was like reliving it. And most of the way home I just cried for them, knowing what that evening would be like, and the next day. It almost seems worse thinking about them going through it than it was to go through it myself. It is such a strange thing.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003I am really having trouble adjusting to the fact that it is almost 6 months since Abigail was born. 6 months! That seems like an eternity. And yet it still seems so recent and fresh. But seeing a new loss, I realize just how "veteran" I have become to this whole experience. It is still so hard, but I am SO GLAD I am not back at the beginning again, either at the diagnosis or at her death. The pain was so deep and so relentless. The T18 journey is so unique that it is very rare to find someone who really understands. I am so thankful for the board and those from it who I have met. They have truly been such a blessing to me.
Friday, February 21, 2003It seems like each of us who has lost a baby has at least one "I'll never forget" moment that kind of tells the whole story all at once. I remember sitting at the hospital holding Abigail and discussing with my husband what date to have Abigailís service and she hadnít even died yet. Those things are even more sad because we tell them so matter-of-factly. And that just makes me so MAD, that we tell these awful, sad things that horrify everyone else as if they were just normal.
Thursday, February 27, 2003I Posted on this on my message board: