I think I've been starting to feel sorry for myself lately. I think I am getting an attitude that people owe me something because my baby died. It's like it's this "ace in the hole" that I am using as an excuse to be irritable or selfish when I choose.
My heart is not so sensitive and fragile as it was at first so the tears don't come nearly as often now. I don't feel the intense sadness, but more of a vaguely uncomfortable feeling around pregnancies and newborns and even just happy family things. I think it's still the sadness, but it's harder to identify. And I guess I hate the feeling so I get angry - and jealous that I've lost what those around me have.
So I get irritable and angry at those around me. In a strange way I think I'm punishing myself by not letting myself enjoy things fully. I know early on, when I was the most depressed, I would forget to eat and I would think to myself that I didn't deserve to eat. It was strange, but I wonder if I'm doing the same thing now.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I am getting a victim mentality. The thing that makes it hard for me to express this is that to so many people, if we don't "get over it" in a few weeks or months, they think that's what we're doing: playing the victim. And so I don't want to support that way of thinking at all, nor do I want those early in their grief to fall prey to that thought, either. So let me make this clear:
Grieving is not feeling sorry for yourself or playing the victim.
However, where I am now, I have to guard against starting to go that way. It's been over 2 years; but that's still a very short time with the grief still relatively fresh. And I can tell that because of the discomfort I still feel in many situations. So I'm certainly not saying I should be "over it" (I don't think I ever should). But I am saying that I need to watch my attitude. I have learned so much and been so blessed through this - I am forgetting that.
So I am deciding to focus on the blessings and stop "qualifying" everything good with "but my baby died", even if I only do it mentally.
And most people still don't know what to say or do for those who are grieving. There was a time in which I had realized that, and I had learned not to resent that. But now, after all my pleas for people to have patience with those who are grieving, I am losing patience with their lack of understanding. Maybe some of it is hearing from others who are earlier in the grief process and wanting to protect them from the mistakes of those around them. But I need to redirect my emotions. Instead of getting angry at those who don't know what to do, I need to focus on supporting those who need support.
So I am resolving to change my outlook on things. God has brought me a long, long way, and I have not been giving Him credit for that, and that's going to change.