Grief is so strange. Even when I am doing so well, it peeks back out. Overall, I am feeling good about life, my family, everything. And I am feeling very blessed by my experience with Abigail, having received so much insight and closeness to God as a result.
But I still miss her!
It is such a conflicted feeling. I am so thankful for the way I've changed. I don't want to be who I was before or who I would have been. Yet, I still feel cheated and kind of jealous of those who are living blissfully innocent lives with all their children alive.
And I have realized that one of the reasons I am doing as well as I am, that I am healing, is because of my involvement with grief. It is the things I still do, for this website, on the Trisomy 18 Support site, supporting the grieving at church, that help me heal. The fact that I spend energy and time learning and teaching about grief and trisomy 18 is why I can appear so "normal" at other times.
I think this a healthy way to deal with it - and I do need to keep the focus on it at this point in my healing.
But I have seen how my journey is changing. I think I can definitely say I'm in the foothills now (see The Journey). I find that I am busier now, involved in things that I find interesting. And so I'm not "in touch" with the board, or this site, as frequently. I can go several days with little or no interaction, then several with a lot. A year ago I couldn't say that.
And so I wonder where my journey will lead me in the future. Will my interaction with this site become pretty infrequent? Previously, seeing a memorial site for a child who died several years ago, I would observe that the site owner was not that active on it any more. And it made me sad because I thought it meant they were forgetting their child.
But now I see my interests changing and I realize that's not the case. The reality is that they're healing. I can see it in that I am starting to think about adding a page on this site for how our family is right now, what we are doing. And that is good: I'm healing!
And I hope that others who see this can be encouraged by the healing and realize that they, too, will someday heal.
Healing, yes, but forgetting, no. Never forgetting.