[links to further laughs]
Each other's makeup.
What do you call a lesbian with fingernails?
Single.
How does an asthmatic lesbian breathe?
In snatches.
They've made a patch to stop lesbianism...
It's called "Lick-orette"
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Christmas is a big, well organized, fully catered, decorated, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social beverage deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!
Hmmm... "Fairy lights". What about those over-the-top decorations?
A straight man cannot even organise a matching shirt and tie! For starters, think about the planning that goes into an event like Christmas. Even Martha Stewart is envious. Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day.
But if you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/Dancer/Waiter, it's the perfect gig until you get your big break.
Also, if he were straight he would have picked a more masculine animal than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happens to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty.
And, my dear, those names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? Fill in the blanks.
Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons yet he's never fathered a child with her. She's over-weight and still content. Why I hear you ask! Can you say "Fag-hag"?
Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's gay too!
Come on, you have thought about it too. "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."
As if he wanted to. Isn't Rudolph really only a metaphor for the gay child living in a straight society anyway?
Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time?
Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a straight man: Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one-night trip!
Red velvet; fur collar; black, knee-high boots and thick black leather belt. Darling, just think about it!!! Physically he's a wet dream for the Chubby Chaser Club and the perfect "Bear" poster child. Would a straight man have thought of using "stockings" to hide their candy? Toys, toys, toys.
HoHo / Homo. Hmmm, just a little tooooo similar if you ask me. That long over-night flight around the world taps into the flight attendant gene. And one more thing, did you ever know a straight man named Nicholas? Oh, the straight society has tried to butch up his image by calling him St. Nick, but we know better!
You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.
How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
A woman goes to the gynaecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says,
"Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygienic?"
The woman replies, "I have a woman in twice a week."
Katie invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother noticed how beautiful Katie's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Katie's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Katie and the roommate than met the eye. Reading her mum's thoughts, Katie said, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tori and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Tori came to Katie and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Katie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So she sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Katie received a letter from her mother which read:
"Dear Katie,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Tori, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Tori. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love, Mum