Title:  Problems Settling In 1:  Carly's Mission 
 
 Author:  Susan Maddy
 
 Series:  Problems Settling In 1  This is the first 'official' Problems Settling In story. 
 The end is not in sight.  There are no uncomfortable cliff hangers i.e. you can read this
 story and not go crazy because story threads are not resolved.  
 
 Rating:  PG13 Because of the discussion of suicide.
 
 Codes:  PJ,  PC(interpersonal), PK(interpersonal), PT
 
 Summary:  Voyager begins the trek home after the Caretaker incident.  Everyone isn't
 happy Paris is Chief Helm Officer.  Set beginning the first full day after Captain
 Janeway's speech in Caretaker.
 
 Disclaimer:  I'd like to thank all those creative people at Paramount for letting me use
 their wonderful characters from Star Trek:  Voyager.  The only profit I get out of it is
 the intense enjoyment I get from entwining my life with theirs.  The characters and
 universe fully belong to Paramount.  The story is mine.
 
 Warning:  One mature discussion about physical reactions to kissing.  Suicide is
 discussed.
 
 Thanks:  To Jan Monroe for archiving my story.
 
 Comments welcome.  Remember I'm human.  Respect is appreciated.    HYPERLINK
 mailto:smaddy@computelnet.com smaddy@computelnet.com
 
 Carly's Mission
 
 Prelude
 
 "There will be a meeting of all senior officers at 0700 tomorrow morning."  Captain
 Janeway announced.  "This includes Commander Chakotay-first officer, Ensign
 Kim-operations, Lieutenant Tuvok-security, Lieutenant Paris-helm/navigation,
 Lieutenant Carey-engineering, Lieutenant Samantha Bristol-Quartermaster. 
 Lieutenant Teri Kendall, fitness and recreation, Lieutenant Anderson, computer
 systems, Senior officer, staff meeting 0700 tomorrow morning in the Senior Staff
 Briefing Room.  Janeway out."
 
 Captain Kathryn Janeway let out a sigh as if making the announcement actually
 accomplished some of the mountains of work that would be ahead of them at
 tomorrow's meeting.  There was so much to do that she panicked if she let herself
 think of too many of them at the same time.  She had a PADD dedicated to
 'remembering' all of them for her.  Every time she thought of something else to do she
 added it to her list.  
 
 Commander Chakotay was organizing berths for the crew. He had chosen to keep
 Starfleet with Starfleet and Maquis with Maquis to minimize the initial adjustment
 problems. Some people would be sleeping on couches for a while.
 
 Staffing and scheduling could be problems.  Janeway continued to muse.  Commander
 Chakotay and I may have to tackle these after the meeting tomorrow morning.  It
 would be nothing short of a miracle if his people fit perfectly into the holes in my
 crew.  Janeway continued to work late into the night.  About 0200 she found herself
 falling asleep over the chart she was compiling and decided to call it a night.  The
 work wouldn't go anywhere and she needed to be sharp in the morning.
 
 1****************1
 
 The staff meeting started precisely at 0700 even though Carey was missing.  Janeway
 wanted to set a precedent;  however, she said nothing about the tardiness.  Janeway
 found out later he had come as soon as he could from engineering.  A minor
 emergency had come up.  The room was eerily silent as the new staff entered unsure
 of themselves and of others.  Captain Janeway ran the meeting professionally, but
 informally trying to establish an atmosphere where ideas could be shared freely and
 without fear of censure.  
 
 They slogged through staffing and found several areas would need attention, but they
 were in adequate shape for a couple weeks.  Scheduling presented a few more
 problems because both ships lost several people from their Alpha shifts since Alpha
 was on duty when the ships were taken by the Caretaker.  
 
 Training needs could not be determined.  The exact needs and strengths of each
 department were not certain.  Each department head was given a list of the people
 who had skills in their administration and was ordered to interview each person and
 give an evaluation to the first officer in a week. 
 
 Berthing arrangements were problematic.  Chakotay needed six officers to pair up and
 bunk together until the VIP quarters could be converted to dorm rooms for the
 non-commissioned crew.  People were sleeping on the floor and that was bad for
 moral.  Lieutenant Paris looked at Kim who shrugged and volunteered to bunk with
 him.  Bristol and Kendall were willing to bunk together.  Carey and Chakotay would
 also bunk together leading the way by example for mixing the crews.
 
 The final subject broached was provisions.  Their energy situation was uncertain. 
 Sources for fuel needed to be addressed soon.  Their food wasn't a problem so long as
 they could use replicators.  The replicators required energy.
 
 The staff meeting was finished and in a reasonable time without any disagreements. 
 Janeway placed her hands on her hips and favored her officers with a smile.  "Good
 work people.  I'm pleased with the progress we made today.  We have a lot of work to
 do and I'm confident we can accomplish it.  One of our ongoing goals must be to
 shape this crew into a working unit.  Since, we are out here alone.  We must learn to
 count on each other like we were members of one close family.  Dismissed.
 
 Janeway watched the group as they left and noticed that they were talking to each
 other and the tone of the group was more relaxed.  Lieutenant Paris was talking to
 Ensign Kim and seemed to be lingering behind.  When Kim left Paris stood near the
 door as if unsure about what to do.  "May I help you, Lieutenant?"  she asked.  He
 turned still hesitant.  "Please have a seat.  I have some time."
 
 Paris sat down and fidgeted.  Janeway decided to wait him out.  She sat calmly with
 her hands folded in front of her.  Her demeanor and patience calmed the Lieutenant
 and he stated, "Captain, you know where I was a week ago."  She nodded.  "I'm shell
 shocked.  I've gone from making no decisions for myself to writing staff evaluations in
 a week.  There is a six week transition period when a prisoner is released from
 detention.  I still feel like an inmate half the time."
 
 "Lieutenant, this is not a normal situation.  We will all have to reach beyond ourselves
 to get through it."  She considered what he was facing for a moment.  "Break each task
 you need to do into small steps.  Even something as seemingly obvious as getting
 ready for your shift on time.  
 
 The staff evaluations do not need to be long.  Take this PADD.  Ask each person; 
 their present job, what their strengths are, the work they would like to do, and what
 shift they prefer.  Lastly, ask them if they are having any problems with the new
 arrangements.  How does that sound?"
 
 "That sounds doable, Captain.  Thank you."
 
 "Lieutenant, don't hesitate to seek me out again.  I'll tell you if you're bothering me."
 
 "Yes, Captain!"  Paris left the briefing room with a much lighter heart than he had
 entered it.  He still wasn't sure how he was going to live up to all the expectations that
 were being placed on him.  He knew that the Captain was in his corner and that was
 reassuring.  As he relieved the officer manning con, he made his first interview
 appointment.  "Ensign Mabouto, the Captain has asked me to interview every person
 on the helm/navigation staff.  Would you be available sometime after 1800 tonight?"
 
 Ensign Mabouto looked at Paris a long time.  She was Starfleet and knew all about
 him.  The Captain chose that moment to enter the bridge and Mabouto glanced
 quickly toward her.  Under her breath she said, "I don't suppose I have a choice."
 
 "What was that, Ensign?"  Paris had heard exactly what she said, but figured this type
 of thing was inevitable and didn't want to make a big issue of it at this time.
 
 "I said, Lieutenant, that 1800 would be just fine.  Where should I meet you?"
 
 "Meet me at my quarters and we will go from there." One down and five more people
 to go Tom thought as he took over the con.  Piloting the ship was the one activity he
 felt completely competent.  He could relax and do what comes naturally.  The helm
 was definitely one area of his new life he didn't have to worry about.  The shift was
 completely routine and for Paris it flew by.  He spoke briefly with Lieutenant Ramsey
 as he came on shift and scheduled an interview with him.  Ramsey seemed very open
 and even friendly.  Tom thought he might make another friend.
 
 Tom returned to his quarters.  He didn't have any civvies so changing wasn't an option. 
 It would probably be a good idea to stay in uniform for his interviews tonight anyway. 
 I have the couch tonight so I'll rest here for a minute before grabbing a bite to eat.
 
 "Chakotay to Lieutenant Paris"
 
 "Paris here."
 
 "Mr. Paris, you failed to secure your station before you left your shift."  Chakotay's
 voice had that flat neutrality that said volumes about his thoughts.
 
 "Commander, did you say I left the helm unsecured?"  Tom couldn't believe it.  That
 was a first year cadet's trick.
 
 "Lieutenant Ramsey found it unsecured."  Chakotay confirmed.
 
 "Yes, sir.  Sorry sir.  It won't happen again."
 
 "I'd like to suggest that you review helm procedures.  You may be a bit rusty."
 
 "Yes, sir.  I will tonight."
 
 "Chakotay out."
 
 I was sure I secured my station!  What a stunt to pull on my first day.  I guess I better
 hit the computer.  I sure don't want to mess up on anything else.  Tom was carefully
 reading each protocol like he had never seen it before when Harry entered.
 
 "Hi, Tom.  What are you doing?  Helm Procedures?  You look like you were born
 there."  Harry had been thrilled when the Captain had given Tom a field commission. 
 He fully agreed Tom deserved it.  Tom had worked harder than most of the ship's
 regular crew during the crisis with the Caretaker.  He wanted to help Tom out any way
 he could.
 
 "According to Lieutenant Ramsey, I left my station unsecured."
 
 "No, I don't think so."  Kim was doubtful. 
 
 Paris glanced at the clock and it was time to meet Mabouto.  "I've got to go. 
 Interviews!"
 
 "I'm doing some, too.  See you later tonight."
 
 The interview the Lieutenant had with Ensign Mabouto went much better than he
 thought it would.  She was cool and curt during the initial questions giving only the
 briefest information.  When Tom was finished with these questions, he sat for a
 moment looking at her and she looked back unyieldingly for a time.  Soon though she
 was disarmed by the open honesty she saw in his look and softened.  
 
 Paris spoke.  "I can understand why you feel justified being hostile to me.  If our
 places were reversed, I might feel the same way.  All I'm asking from you is a chance. 
 I want the team that handles the helm to be the top team on the ship and that means
 we all have to pull together.  Can I count on you?"
 
 Mabouto wasn't quite ready to jump in with both feet.  "Lieutenant, you have that
 chance, I'll give you a chance."  She smiled.
 
 "Thank you."  Paris stood and extended his hand.  Mabouto stood and shook Paris'
 hand with a smile on her face.  Mabouto was tall and very slender with a dark, exotic
 beauty Paris would be attracted to if he wasn't so determined to be proper and avoid
 'fraternizing' with women under his supervision.
 
 Lieutenant Ramsey's interview went very well also.  They hit it off so well that
 Ramsey ended up giving Paris a detailed tour of Voyager including an extensive
 orientation to the entertainment facilities available.
 
 Paris finally called it quits at 2200 saying he had some reading to catch up on and
 went back to his quarters.  Kim was there in bed almost asleep, so Tom just waved at
 him and went to the computer console to finish the manual.  He was actually glad he
 had read it.  Now the procedures were fresh and clear in his mind and he wouldn't
 make any more mistakes.
 
 The next two days went smoothly.  The interviews continued and Tom encountered
 some hostility, but the open, calm method he used with Mabouto was usually
 successful in at least softening attitudes.  The second day Paris performed his first
 weekly diagnostic.
 
 Tom had just returned to his quarters after his shift when he was abruptly summoned
 to the First Officer's office.  "Lieutenant Paris reporting, sir."
 
 Commander Chakotay studied Paris.  He had some real issues with him, but he needed
 to try to stay above personalities.  "Lieutenant Paris, tell me the steps one takes when
 performing a Class 1 Helm Diagnostic."  Paris told him without hesitation.  "Then tell
 me why Lieutenant Ramsey found the helm so scrambled from an incompetently
 performed diagnostic that helm control had to be transferred to the computer while it
 was repaired."  Though he kept his voice low, the irritation in Chakotay's voice was
 obvious. 
 
 "I don't know, sir.  I performed the diagnostic correctly."  Paris could feel himself
 slipping into his old defensive habits and it was all he could do to keep from smarting
 off.  
 
 "Mr. Paris, you are either lying, or totally incompetent.  You will keep your position
 on the helm for now.  I don't have any proof.  Brush up on procedures.  I will be forced
 to inform the Captain.  Dismissed."
 
 Paris was angry and suspicious.  He wrapped the cloak of attitude around him and hid
 beneath its false security.  He wouldn't even talk to Harry though Kim did try.  Tom
 had been so open to the hostility of the helm staff.  Kim couldn't believe he was hiding
 from truth.  It was fortunate that he had finished all but one of the staff interviews
 before this happened.  The last one wasn't the positive experience the others had been.
 
 2****************2
 
 Tom went back to his quarters for a while.  The walls seemed to be closing in on him
 so he went to the mess hall to get dinner.  The dinner was acceptable, but he just toyed
 with it and sat brooding about the botched diagnostic.  He could do a helm diagnostic
 in his sleep.  He knew he did it correctly! 
 
 Tom became aware of someone standing by the table and looked up into the face of a
 young woman he hadn't remembered seeing before.
 
 "Hi, I saw you were alone.  Do you mind if I join you?"  the woman, a Lieutenant, said
 as she sat down.  "If you don't mind me saying so, you look like you could use a
 friend."
 
 "Sure, sit down."  Tom answered sarcastically after she had seated herself.  "Do I have
 a real choice?"  Tom continued rudely.
 
 "No, but it's polite to ask."  She quipped back.  "I think I know who you are.  You're
 the helmsman.  Paris?  I remember you from the Caretaker.  You were running around
 with the Captain.  You weren't a Lieutenant then though.  I thought it was weird that
 you didn't have any rank.  Someone said you were an observer."
 
 "Don't tell me there is someone on this ship that doesn't know who I am."  Still put
 out, but coming around.
 
 "Why are you so special that everyone knows who you   are?  I don't even know your
 first name.  What is it by the way?  Mine's Carly.
 
 "Well, 'Carly,' I'm not sure I want to tell you.  I think I'll make you guess.  How are you
 at nursery rhymes?  Blank, blank, the piper's son.  Kissed the girls and made them
 run."  
 
 "'Blank,' now that's a strange name."  
 
 Tom gave her a dirty look.  "This is also a clue."  Tom held up his thumb.
 
 "How can your thumb be a clue?"
 
 "You look human.  You are human aren't you."  She nodded.  "Where did you grow
 up?"  Tom asked.
 
 "Earth."
 
 "You grew up on Earth and you don't know nursery rhymes!"  Tom was feeling much
 better in Carly's company.  He could almost forget to feel upset.  "Alright, I'll have
 mercy on you.  My name is Tom, Thomas Eugene Paris."
 
 "Paris, you're not related to the Admiral, are you? What a stuffed shirt!  Oops, you're
 not related, tell me you're not related."  She was turning a bright crimson.
 
 "Sorry, I'm his son.  Why did you say he was a 'stuffed shirt'?"
 
 "Look, I didn't offend you, did I?  Sometimes, I have this problem of talking before I
 think."
 
 "No, to tell you the truth, it's refreshing to hear someone talk about him that way. 
 Everyone's always saying how great he is.  He and I didn't really see eye to eye.  Come
 on, tell me why you think he's a stuffed shirt."  Tom urged.
 
 "When I was a freshman at the Academy," Carly began, "I was given one of those
 assignments the seniors give you just because they can.  I was ordered to walk
 backwards across the square with a book on my head.  I ran into him.  Instead of
 laughing it off, he actually reported me and I lost my next four Saturday afternoons to
 marching."
 
 "That sounds like something he would do."  Paris agreed.  "Once when I was fourteen,
 I took the family mini shuttle out.  I already knew how to fly it and had flown on the
 approved practice courses.  Not only did he ground me from flying at all for the rest of
 the school year, he made me ride a bicycle to and from school.  He checked often
 enough I had to do it.  You can imagine the ridicule that got me."
 
 "Hey," Carly asked, serious, "why were you so glum when I sat down?"
 
 "You said you noticed I didn't have any rank."  Paris began slowly.  "If you really don't
 know who I am, you will probably will want to leave when I tell you.  Anyway
 Captain Janeway granted me a field commission as Lieutenant.  The Captain nabbed
 me out of prison to scout for her when she went in search of Lieutenant Tuvok when
 he was spying in the Maquis.  I had been in the group, not really because I believed in
 their cause, but because I just had to fly.  I was caught on my first mission."
 
 "Well, you were in Starfleet.  You act like Starfleet.  You know all of the vocabulary. 
 What happened with that?"
 
 "Carly, what's your last name?  You never told me."
 
 Carly screwed up her face at him.  "Don't think I didn't catch you changing the subject,
 Tom Paris.  I'll tell you.  It's Shoemaker.  Now, tell, me," she demanded.
 
 "I don't think I want to," Tom admitted.  "No, I don't think I'm going to."
 
 "You think I won't be your friend.  I'll abandon you.  You don't trust me."  Carly
 Shoemaker wasn't one to mince words.
 
 "In a word, no.  How can I trust you when I met you less than 10 minutes ago?"
 
 "Wait a minute, Tom.  You do trust me."  Tom looked up at her.  Her look pierced
 straight into his heart.  He felt knew her intimately and knew she could be trusted.
 
 He looked down at the table nervously playing with his fingers still fearing to commit. 
 Carly didn't say anything and eventually he looked at her.  She looked back serenely.
 "I'll haunt your dreams if you let me down."  He threatened half seriously.  "On Caldik
 Prime,  I made a mistake that resulted in the deaths of three officers.  I lied about it. 
 I'm where I am today because I couldn't keep lying, I confessed and was thrown out of
 the 'fleet."
 
 "Tom, you did the right thing by confessing."  Shoemaker placed her hand on Tom's. 
 "Someday you'll know that."
 
 Tom couldn't accept that now and mentally brushed it off.  "I need to go do my last
 interview.  Then, I have to study."  Tom reluctantly admitted.  "Can we meet for
 dinner tomorrow?"
 
 "Hum, I don't know.  Why would I want to eat with nursery rhyme?"  Carly teased. 
 "Sure, what time."
 
 "How about 1900.  It shouldn't be too crowded in the mess by then."
 
 "1900 it is.  See you then."  Carly and Tom cemented a fast friendship over the next
 few days and soon they were spending all their free time together.  Carly helped Tom
 review helm procedures until he had most memorized word for word.  He was feeling
 pretty confident when Captain Janeway announced the first drill.
 
 ****************
 
  Today Captain Janeway had scheduled the first drill for the new crew.  Paris sat
 confidently waiting for it to start.  "Captain, my,.. ."
 
 "What is it, Mr. Paris?"
 
 "Sorry Captain, I had an anomalous light."
 
 The drill began and nothing on Tom's board responded normally.  First, the board was
 sluggish and when he would compensate for that, false lights would go on, or a
 routine sequence wouldn't key properly.  Lights would go on only to go off before he
 could respond to them.  "Captain, the helm is responding atypically."
 
 "Explain."
 
 "Captain, It's difficult.  I'm getting stray lights.  It will be sluggish one minute only to
 be fine the next."  
 
 "Is it still responding oddly."  
 
 "Somewhat, Captain."
 
 "Give me the helm."  Paris stood and unbelievably the helm was completely normal. 
 "It seems fine to me, Mr. Paris.  Do you have an explanation?"
 
 "No, ma'am."
 
 "See me in my ready room after your shift."
 
 "Yes, Captain."  The rest of Alpha shift moved like the march to an execution.  Paris
 could not imagine what was happening.  The happiness caused by his field
 commission was crumbling away.  He could not stop the deterioration.  He felt as if
 his life was out of control and nothing he did could put him back in control.  Despair
 filled him and threatened to engulf him.  The only bright spot was Carly.
 
 The end of the shift arrived.  Ramsey took the helm and quietly asked, "What's
 wrong?"  Paris just shook his head.
 
 He rang and was admitted.  "Lieutenant Paris, reporting as ordered, Captain."
 
 "Please sit down, Lieutenant."  She studied him and noted the hopelessness in his face. 
 "Mr. Paris, what happened today?"  
 
 He couldn't stand it.  He erupted out of his chair and started to pace.  "I don't know
 what's wrong.  I am trying to do my job.  I know my job.  Things keep happening on
 he helm."  He abruptly realized he had been pacing and quickly sat back down.
 
 "Your actions both on and off the helm during the Caretaker mission showed me a
 superior officer.  I thought you were the best person to be Chief Helm Officer.  In the
 past week and a half there have been three incidents wherein your competence has
 been called into question.  This cannot continue.  You won't be relieved from helm, at
 this point, but we are swiftly approaching the point where I will need to replace you as
 the Chief Helm Officer.  I'm sorry, the circumstances are leading me to no other
 option.  Do you understand?"
 
 "Yes, ma'am.  I'll do everything I can to restore your confidence in me."  Paris was
 desperate.
 
 ****************
 
 All of Tom's off time for the next three days he and Carly devoted to studying the
 helm.  They worked on the holodeck going over and over drills to shave seconds off
 reaction time and studied schematics to gain a better handle on the pathways the
 commands follow in order to reroute quickly in an emergency.  He ate, slept, and
 dreamt the helm.  Carly was at his side encouraging him when he was discouraged or
 kicking his rear if he got surly.  At the end of the third day they heaved sighs of relief. 
 Three days down and no problems.  
 
 Tom was exhausted.  He thought he should get some sleep before meeting Carly for
 dinner.  After dinner they would study.  Enough time had past for Paris to fall deeply
 asleep when his door chime rang.  He stumbled to answer it, "Come in Commander.  I
 apologize, I was asleep.  Give me a minute, I can't seem to clear my head."  He
 splashed some water on his face.  "What can I do for you?"
 
 "When you didn't answer my page, I asked the computer where you were and it sent
 me here.  You must have really been asleep."  
 
 "Yes, sir."
 
 "Mr. Paris, I'll get right to the point.  Your navigational sensor array was misaligned
 and impossible to use.  Mr. Ramsey found it when he came on shift."
 
 Paris walked to a chair and collapsed into it holding his head in his hands.
 
 "Janeway to Commander Chakotay."
 
 "Chakotay here, Captain."
 
 "Come to my ready room immediately.  Are you with Mr. Paris?"
 
 "Yes, Captain."
 
 "Ask him to come, too."
 
 "Aye, Captain."
 
 "I'm not going.  I know what she's going to say."
 
 "Lieutenant Paris," Chakotay began softly.  "I am the first officer on this ship.  I will
 not allow anyone to treat the Captain with disrespect.  She has given you a tremendous
 break.  Even if you were the most junior helm officer, it's more than what she had to
 do.  She saw something in you.  Maybe she pushed you too fast.  Maybe the
 circumstances just weren't right, but she deserves respect from you.  You will come up
 to the ready room.  You will come, now."
 
 Tom looked up at Chakotay and pondered his words.  He was right.  He nodded his
 head and rose.
 
 Ensign Kim and Lieutenant Tuvok were in the ready room with Captain Janeway. 
 Tom didn't even notice.  He was too wrapped up in himself.
 
 "The first thing I want to say is to Lieutenant Paris," the Captain started.  "The
 problems with the helm have not been your fault.  You are not in trouble and your job
 is not on the line."  
 
 Tom had not even bothered to look up when he heard the Captain say his name.  The
 rest of the message took even longer to penetrate his haze of despair.  Then suddenly
 it did.  "What did you say, Captain."
 
 "You're off the hook, Lieutenant."  Captain Janeway reiterated.  "You can thank
 Ensign Kim.  He did some pretty inventive detective work.  Let's all sit down.  Mr.
 Kim, please fill the Commander and Mr. Paris in on your findings."
 
 "Aye, Captain," Kim began, "my first clue was Mr. Paris, himself.  He was very upset
 and frustrated by the problems.  All he did was study and practice to overcome them. 
 He denied causing them, yet he followed through on every suggestion he was given to
 improve.  Even reviewing very basic material.  He knows his stuff.  I realized these
 problems weren't the type he should be having.  After the problem during the drill, I
 set one my monitors to alert me if there were any organized commands being input
 into the helm console except from the regular channels.  That's what happened today. 
 I traced the signal and found where it originated.  Special access was required to
 modify the helm console so a specific access code was necessary in order to do it.  In
 fact, only officers who work the helm have a code high enough to do it with the
 exception of Commander Chakotay and the Captain."
 
 "Who is it, Harry?"  Tom asked impatiently.
 
 Kim looked to the Captain.  She answered Paris.  "The evidence is still circumstantial,
 Mr. Paris, but the evidence points to Lieutenant Ramsey.  His access code was used to
 input the program and he even used the computer console in his quarters.  What we
 need to do is devise a plan to make him catch himself in his own snare.  Now this is
 the plan so far.  Mr. Paris, you must keep on pretending to study.  And as you leave
 my ready room this afternoon.."
 
 3****************3
 
 And so the plan was set in motion.  An angry Lieutenant Paris was followed out of the
 Captain's ready room by a grim but determined Commander Chakotay.  Paris stopped
 suddenly right before entering the turbo lift and confronted Chakotay.  "I know the
 way to my quarters!"
 
 "Paris, don't push it."  Chakotay's voice had a dangerous edge to it.  "You heard what
 the Captain said as well as I did.  You have an escort.  If you keep up this kind of
 behavior, the Captain probably could be persuaded to take that last chance away.  All I
 have to do is walk back in there.  You were almost out this time."
 
 Paris glared back at Chakotay, but not long enough to push the issue.  He flipped
 himself around to face the turbo lift doors and entered the turbo lift.  Once inside the
 lift Paris slumped against the far wall.  "I'll bet you didn't have any trouble dredging
 up anger for me.  We had our disagreements in the Maquis."
 
 "Paris, I don't have trouble dredging up hard feelings anytime for you."  Chakotay said
 his voice hard.  "I'm not participating in this ruse because I like or dislike you.  I'm
 doing it for the ship and for the Captain."
 
 "The Captain's gotten to you, too."  Paris observed.  "She's an incredible woman. 
 Chakotay, she personally invited me to come on this mission.  I'm not sure I would
 have come if anyone else had asked me.  They really didn't offer me much to come
 along.  It may amount to 2 or 3 years off my sentence.  I wasn't set free by any means. 
 I'd do anything for her.  She may have given me my life back."
 
 Chakotay thought while he half listened to Paris talk.  He's right, Captain Janeway is a
 remarkable Captain and a remarkable woman.  The loyalty and trust I feel toward her
 is way out of proportion for the short two weeks I've known her.  Aloud, he said, 
 "OK, Paris time to put on the act."
 
 They left the lift sure to make the points loudly that Paris was facing his last chance as
 Chief Helm Officer and that he was restricted to quarters except while on duty for past
 mistakes.  Once Paris was in his quarters he paged Carly and invited her come over. 
 He explained the situation and Carly surprised him by pulling him down to her and
 planting a kiss squarely on his mouth.  Carly had not known much about the helm or
 navigation so she had acted as a quiz master while Tom reviewed those systems.  She
 was good with computers.  She and Paris worked in tandem setting up a series of fail
 safes that would cause any new instructions to the navigational console to create
 feedback loops that would build to set off an alarm.  Paris and Carly actually came up
 with several ways to circumvent or prevent other tampering.  They also found a way to
 prevent an attacking ship from taking over con.
 
 After they had worked several hours, they sat on the sofa and reviewed their progress
 and where they wanted to proceed from where they were.  Slowly Carly moved closer
 and closer to Tom until she was tucked coyly under his arm.  "Tom, I need to tell you
 something and it isn't very fair to you."  She was embarrassed, but resolute.  "If you
 don't want our relationship to continue, I'll understand.  I was very young, 13, and I
 had a baby.  He was adopted by a wonderful family.  He's doing great and I see him
 every so often.  I made a promise to myself I would never let that kind of thing happen
 again.  I know I can be a tease, like tonight sliding myself under your arm.  I also want
 you to know I have definite limits."  
 
 Tom answered her with a kiss on her forehead.  "Carly, you have been so good to me. 
 It's too early in our relationship to say for sure, but. . . I. . .well, where I'm weak you
 make me stronger and where I come on too strong, you tone me down.  You help me
 feel better when I'm sad.  You fit in my cracks."  This was getting too intimate for
 Tom and he pulled away and said, "we better get back to work!"  Carly just smiled at
 him.  She had loved him forever.
 
 ****************
 
 Each day Lieutenant Paris came to his shift at con anxious.  Would this be the day? 
 Did we cover all the ways Ramsey could tamper with the helm or would he try one
 that couldn't be detected.  Each day that past without a problem left Paris so that he
 didn't have to act depressed and discouraged as he left his post.  He began to worry
 that the trap wouldn't work.  Five days, six days, seven days, longer than Ramsey had
 ever gone before.  Captain Janeway called a meeting in Paris' quarters during
 Ramsey's shift.
 
 The Captain started.  "I know it seems like a long time to wait.  Mr. Paris, I know this
 is particularly important to you.  I am seeing an increasing amount of tension from
 you on your bridge shifts.  Keep it under control so that you don't start making
 mistakes."
 
 "Yes, Captain."
 
 "Ramsey, has never gone this long between tampering; however, he may be planning a
 spectacular event to really 'show Mr. Paris up'.  It is also possible that we tipped our
 hand and he won't try anything.  I suggest we give him another week."  They didn't
 have to wait a week.  Ramsey hit the next day.
 
 Kim noticed the warning light on his console and gave Commander Chakotay the
 code word.  "Commander you wanted me to tell you when it was 1612 hours."
 
 "Thank you, Ensign.  I appreciate it."
 
 A minute later Captain Janeway ordered Paris into her ready room and had Chakotay
 cover both the con and the bridge.  Paris and Janeway tracked Ramsey's progress on
 the computer in her ready room.  It looked like he would trip one of their feedback
 loops at any moment.  There, he had.  This would send him to the bridge to find
 Chakotay at the helm.
 
 Soon Ramsey appeared on the bridge.  "Hello Commander, I came to relieve
 Lieutenant Paris a little early.  He hasn't been looking too good lately."
 
 "Lieutenant, that is very considerate of you.  He is meeting with the Captain at the
 moment.  I wouldn't mind letting you have con.  The Captain left me with the con as
 well as the bridge."
 
 This is too perfect, thought Ramsey.  I can turn off the alarm and no one will be the
 wiser.  "I'd be happy to take the con, sir."
 
 Ramsey hadn't been seated for more than a minute when a loud alarm went off on the
 bridge.  Ramsey jumped in his chair along with most of the bridge crew.  
 
 The Captain came out of her ready room followed closely by Lieutenant Paris.  She
 ordered, "Alarm off.  Who set that off?"  No one moved.  No one said anything. 
 "Well, we know it wasn't Mr. Paris.  Mr. Kim, what does your board say."
 
 "It came from the helm," Kim reported.
 
 "Mr. Ramsey, what do you have to say about it?"  Janeway questioned as she strode
 over to his station.
 
 "I don't know anything about it, ma'am," he lied.
 
 "What were you doing at your station just before the alarm went off?"  she said
 looming over him. 
 
 "Just basic checks, Captain."
 
 "Clear the bridge except for Commander Chakotay, Lieutenant Tuvok, Mr. Kim,
 Lieutenant Ramsey and Lieutenant Paris."  After the rest of the bridge crew had exited
 the bridge, Janeway ordered.  "Computer display the record from camera 5a beginning
 at 1612 hours on the main view screen."  The screen showed Ramsey taking the con
 and very definitely pressing a certain button.  "Computer, reshow from 1617." 
 Janeway then froze the picture at the point that Ramsey pushed the button. 
 "Lieutenant, can you explain why you pressed that button?"
 
 "But it wasn't supposed to do that."
 
 "Exactly, what was it supposed to do, Mr. Ramsey?"
 
 Ramsey looked around for the first time and realized who was in the room.  "UM.  I'm
 not going to say anything else."
 
 Tuvok stepped forward.  "Mr. Ramsey, you are under arrest for malicious tampering
 with Starfleet property, misuse of command codes, vilification of a Starfleet Officer,
 and manipulation of the computer systems which could have endangered the ship and
 possible other charges.  Come with me, you will be detained in the brig."  
 
 The other officers watched silently as Ramsey was escorted from the bridge.  Janeway
 had a satisfied smile on her face.  Kim was grinning from ear to ear watching his
 Captain's reaction.  Commander Chakotay wore a more serious mien.  He was
 watching Mr. Paris who looked like Mount Saint Hellens about to erupt.  Paris was
 visibly breathing hard, had colored noticeably, and was clenching and unclenching his
 fists.  Chakotay knew he wasn't the best person to deal with Paris.  He walked over to
 Janeway and directed her attention to him.  
 
 Immediately assessing the situation she went to his level and quietly and firmly
 ordered, "Lieutenant, at ease!"
 
 Paris's head whipped around and his fists came up, "Captain, I. . .he could have ruined
 me."
 
 "And exactly what do you think you would do if you went after him like that?" 
 Janeway's voice cracked like a whip.  "You are an officer, Mr. Paris."
 
 Lieutenant Paris was shamed and it showed on his face.
 
 Captain Janeway moved up to her volatile officer and took his arm.  "Mr. Paris, I think
 you need some time to work through this and to begin to get a perspective on
 everything that has happened in the past few weeks.  Were you aware Voyager had a
 gym and two holodecks?"  He nodded.  "Take your pick.  Consider this an order, get
 some exercise and think.  Notify the First Officer when you are ready and we three
 will meet.  Dismissed.  Commander, let's get the bridge crew back and make sure we
 are still going in the right direction."
 
 The Captain was right.  I'm close to loosing control completely.  I think a good long
 run would be the best thing to get rid of the tension and free up my mind to think. 
 Maybe Carly would like to come.  He called her and she said she'd be right down.  He
 changed clothes thinking it was fortunate he had brought exercise clothes and went to
 the holodeck.  Carly was waiting for him when he arrived.  He chose an afternoon run
 in the Arizona desert, but lowered the temperature to 26 degrees C.  They entered the
 simulation and set a privacy lock so they could be alone.  "Tom, you run and I'll keep
 up, if you're too fast for me I'll just drop back.  You're the one that needs the benefit."  
 
 They were off.  First, all Tom did was run and allow the physical exertion to work its
 magic on his body.  Soon he'd found his pace and knew he could go on for miles like a
 wolf in an easy lope.  He looked over at Carly and she was running freely and easily. 
 It had been years, literally, since he had run like this.  He took joy in it.  He realized it
 had been before Caldik Prime.  Could he be past that time in his life?  He hardly dared
 hope.
 
 He began to tire and felt more in control of his life than he had been for a long time. 
 He and Carly slowed and began to walk and cool out.  The last of the sunset was
 fading from the sky and the stars were beginning to peek out from behind the
 midnight blue dome.  As Janeway ordered, it was time to work things out.  
 
 They sat down.  Tom grabbed Carly's hand then asked permission with his eyes to
 hold it.  She answered the same way.  He began to talk.  He told Carly why he had
 come on the run and everything that had happened on the bridge.  How he had let his
 emotions rule him on the bridge, how ashamed he was of his uncivilized impulses,
 and how intensely grateful he was for Janeway's intervention.  It had prevented him
 from acting rashly and possibly undoing all the good that had been achieved by his
 vindication.  He confessed that he really wasn't ready to be a bridge officer.  Did Carly
 realize he had been an inmate just three short weeks ago?  Many of his impulses were
 primitive like the one on the bridge.  The only option he had seen was to fight
 Ramsey.  He didn't need to fight him for justice to be served.  It would be served by
 the system.
 
 When Tom had finished they sat for a time in the Arizona night until Tom decided it
 was time to go.
 He wasn't sure what the Captain and Commander Chakotay wanted him for.  "Could I
 page you when I'm finished?" Carly said, "sure!"  He was calm and in control now.  A
 quick shower and fresh uniform and he would be ready for the meeting.
 
 He called the First Officer when he was finished dressing and was instructed to come
 to the Captain's ready room.  He reported and was invited in and asked to sit down.  
 
 "Thank you for coming, Mr. Paris."  Chakotay began.  
 
 "Now that Mr. Ramsey has been caught and we have conclusive physical and
 circumstantial evidence."  Janeway continued,  "We need to discuss your behavior
 during this incident."
 
 "Yes, Captain," Paris could feel his guard rising and tried vainly to stay calm.  He felt
 like he was prisoner again, called into the warden's office for a rules infraction.
 
 "The example an officer sets is important for several reasons.  Officers set the tone for
 the morale or spirit on the ship.  The behavior modeled by an officer is likely to be
 copied by the younger officers and crew.  The way an officer treats the people he
 works with serves as an example to be passed down."  Janeway stopped aware of a
 change in the Lieutenant.  His ease and confidence was gone replaced by . . .a sullen
 arrogance?  She looked at Chakotay.  It was evident from the look on his face he had
 noticed Paris' mood change as well.
 
  Paris was sitting hunched over staring at the floor.  What could be seen of his face
 looked dark and brooding.  At length Paris became aware of their scrutiny and sat up. 
 In a hard voice he asked, "Is there a problem?"
 
 Mr. Paris," Chakotay began, "I think that was exactly what we were going to ask you."
 
 Janeway jumped in before Paris could answer.  "Commander, I'll take this from here. 
 I'll page you if I need you.  Thank you."  After Chakotay had left the ready room,
 Janeway continued.  "Lieutenant Paris, you are acting like an inmate."  He met her
 eyes, but none of the hardness left his eyes.  "Lieutenant, I didn't think very highly of
 you at the prison or before the Caretaker kidnapped us.  You changed into a superior
 Starfleet officer during the emergency.  You showed your true colors.  That is why I
 placed you in the position of Chief Helm Officer.  You showed me your
 qualifications.  I still have confidence in you and in my decision."
 
 Tom stood and faced away from the Captain.  His head drooped and he mumbled
 something.
 
 "Repeat that, Mr. Paris," Janeway ordered, her voice flinty.
 
 Paris flung around and said, "You won't for long. You'll get tired of this little game. 
 I've seen hundreds of officers just like you who think they care about, the one, think
 they can motivate."  He continued in like vein.  As he was talking he was peripherally
 aware of Janeway standing, walking over to him and raising her right hand.
 
 She slapped him!  He was stunned.  He touched his afflicted cheek and looked her in
 the eyes.
 
 "Do I have your attention, Lieutenant?"
 
 "Yes, Captain!"  Beyond a doubt!
 
 "Sit down."  She took a seat next to him and continued.  "Mr. Paris, if you are
 determined to fail, determined to sabotage yourself, I cannot help you to succeed. 
 You have an uphill battle.  You have many problems to overcome;  however, I will
 not allow you to wallow in self pity.  You are a talented pilot.  You have some
 wonderful skills with people.  I have read your reports.  The ones you did before this
 difficulty with Ramsey were excellent.  Three of the five staff members were openly
 hostile to you at the beginning of the interview.  Afterwards two reported being
 neutral and one actually liked you.  That is pretty good managing.  I am sure you have
 talents I have not encountered yet.  As I said this morning, take things one step at a
 time and break tasks that you have trouble with into steps."
 
 Paris was still stroking his cheek and sat thoughtfully for a time.  "Captain, why did
 you slap me?"  
 
 She smiled, mischievously, Paris thought.  "I slapped you to get your attention.  It
 worked."
 
 "Yes, ma'am."  Was the somewhat rueful response. 
 
 "I thought the shock would move you away from the inmate persona you had assumed. 
 You are not an inmate on this ship and I will not have you acting like one.  Clear?"
 
 "Clear, Captain.  You may need to remind me especially if I do something wrong and
 you discipline me."  Paris added.
 
 "Lieutenant," Janeway questioned.  "Is that what you thought Commander Chakotay
 and I were doing earlier."
 
 "Yes, Captain, though I didn't listen to anything accept what you said about discussing
 my behavior."  Paris informed his Captain.  "That's the way the warden would always
 start out when an inmate had been called to his office for discipline.  That only
 happened to me once, but the other prisoners all made jokes about it.  
 
 "Mr. Paris," Janeway said, understanding the situation, "discipline was the farthest
 thing from our minds.  We do understand that you have been away from Starfleet and
 may need to have your mind refreshed on certain subjects.  During this flap with
 Ramsey, you allowed your personal feelings to get in the way of getting your job done. 
 It was understandable, but you need to learn a way to separate your personal feelings
 from your job.  Lives can depend on it."
 
 "Yes, ma'am."  The Lieutenant was beginning to remember the many years of
 instruction and practice on principals like this one in the Academy.  "Captain, do you
 have to slap many of your officers?"  This was delivered with what would come to be
 a trademark with Paris, his humor.  
 
 "Lieutenant, some of my methods are unconventional.  I have found most people
 listen when I speak.  I don't need to 'get their attention'.  They have the native good
 sense to do it on their own."
 
 "So noted, Captain!"  Delivered with a bit more humor.
 
 "We have both had a long day.  It's time for you to go off duty.  Remember who you
 are, Mr. Paris and act accordingly.  Dismissed."
     
 Tom left the bridge feeling a little overwhelmed.   He could hardly wait to see Carly. 
 He paged her on the turbolift and she said she would meet him at his quarters. They
 entered and she looked him up and down appraisingly.  "I'd say it went pretty well." 
 She reached up and touched his cheek.  "Did someone hit you?"
 
 "Don't tell me you can still see that!"  Tom went into the bathroom to look in the
 mirror.  "Well, you can just see it, but you'd have to be looking for it.  Are you some
 kind of Sherlock Holmes?"
 
 "Only with you, Tommy-boy.  Let's sit down.  Tell me about it."  She slid over to him
 and leaned on his arm.
 
 "In a way, I made a real fool of myself.  The Captain and Chakotay wanted to talk to
 me about the example I need to set as an officer.  I can't let distracting things in my
 personal life get in the way."  Carly was looking up at him concentrating on his every
 word.  He looked over at her and his heart melted and he kissed her.
 
 "Now comes the embarrassing part.  I was called into the warden's office once as an
 inmate for failing to report contraband.  The first thing he said was 'I want to discuss
 your behavior.'  The Captain said the same thing,  I immediately went into my 'inmate'
 mode and blocked out everything else they said.  I guess they both noticed.  Janeway
 sent Chakotay out of the room and started to work with me and, yes, she slapped me. 
 I was stunned.  I don't think I could have any more surprised.  She said she did it to get
 my attention.  She got it.  She really hit me hard, too!"
 
 "She must have if the mark is still there.  Here let me."  Carly pulled his face over to
 her and proceeded to kiss it where it had been slapped.  Tom had a preferred site in
 mind and made that available.
 
 After an enjoyable interlude, Tom had a question for Carly, "How long have you
 known Captain Janeway?" 
 
 "I think Voyager's been out about a year now.  I was one of her original crew."
 
 "What do you think of her?  
 
 "She's a good Captain.  I know of maybe two people she has taken under her wing. 
 They were people who were having various difficulties either doing their job or
 adjusting to life on Voyager.  Now you're #3.  By the way one of those people left the
 ship.  He couldn't stand Janeway.  It sounds like you and she hit it off well."
 
 "Yea, she seems to understand me.  She has a way of not pushing my buttons.  If she
 tells me I'm messing up, I feel like changing not getting defensive.  I'm dedicated to
 her.  I've done enough talking for a month."  Tom smiled down at her, Carly smiled
 back, and soon they were enjoying another gentle interlude. 
 
 ****************
 
 The next day started as normally as any had for the past few weeks with one
 exception.  Carly was up on the bridge for a rare bridge rotation starting at 1000.  Her
 station was almost parallel to Tom's and they enjoyed an active game of eye tag
 through much of the morning.  It didn't seem to interfere with either officer's
 efficiency so Captain Janeway let it pass.  The only phenomena of note was a
 particularly dense nebula of pre stellar gasses.  Even that was not meritorious enough
 to take time to investigate further. 
 
 When the time came for lunch breaks, Janeway brashly asked Ensign Kim if he would
 mind trading with Lieutenant Shoemaker so that she and Lieutenant Paris could have
 lunch together.  With a broad grin, Kim agreed.
 
 Paris swung around on his chair, blushing furiously and asked, "Captain, do you read
 minds?"
 
 Janeway decided to keep this conversation more private and came down to the helm. 
 "Mr. Paris, I don't miss much of what goes on in front of me.  You two must have
 looked at each other 50 times this morning."
 
 "Sorry, Captain."
 
 "It didn't seem to effect your efficiency.  I'm happy you've found another friend. 
 You'll hear from me if your job performance suffers.  Now go eat lunch."
 
 Tom collected Carly and walked purposefully over to the turbolift.  He didn't want any
 conversation until they were alone.  After the doors closed Tom sighed and grinned
 like a Cheshire cat.  Carly asked, "What did the Captain say?  Was she angry?"
 
 "No, no, she wasn't angry.  It's a good thing we were efficient this morning.  She
 caught us looking at each other.  I thought we were being so subtle.  Let's go eat in my
 quarters, Harry won't be there.  We can be alone."  Tom waggled his eyebrows at
 Carly and smiled.
 
 They ate from the low table and talked about how they might occupy their evening
 hours.  Tom no longer had to study the helm, so now they had to be creative.  Maybe
 they could see what Harry was doing and join him.  They enjoyed a gentle cuddle,
 Tom was more than happy to let Carly set the pace.  He would never hurt her. 
 Inevitably, their time was up and they returned to the bridge, but not without one last
 kiss in the turbolift.
 
 Voyager's crew had about another hour of quiet.  Kim had just returned when he
 spotted three Kazon ships on an intercept vector.  Just a few minutes later three more
 ships from a point 85 degrees to port and three more 65 degrees port Z 45 degrees.
 
 "Mr. Paris, evasive action.  Yellow alert.  Can we get into that nebula we saw this
 morning?"
 
 "I think so, Captain, I'll need every bit of speed the engines can give us heading 141.5
 mark 62.  Warp 8.5 and accelerating."
 
 "All of the Kazon ships are accelerating, the first group are at 8.0.
 
 "We are at Warp 9," Paris jumped in.  "We are approximately 5 minutes from the
 nebula's edge."
 
 "The Nearest Kazon ships are charging weapons," Tuvok added.
 
 "Engineering, Mr. Carey, we need everything you've got.  Charge phasers, Tuvok.  Mr.
 Kim, are we going to beat them to the nebula?"
 
 "Captain, it's going to be close.  We will be within weapons range about 90 seconds
 before we reach it.  That's assuming their range is the same as ours."
 
 Mr. Paris, once we are fully in the nebula change course to 95.9 mark 30 and reduce
 speed to Warp 5."
 
 "Aye, Captain, present speed 9.55."
 
 "Shields up.  Red alert."
 
 "The lead Kazon ship is firing."  Tuvok said.
 
 "Evasive, Mr. Paris.  By your leave."
 
 "Yes, ma'am."  Paris answered.
 
 "All ships are firing."  Tuvok announced.
 
 "One's going to hit."  Paris shouted just before the volley impacted on the port side of
 the bridge.  A tremendous explosion rocked the bridge and an operations board on that
 side went up in a shower of sparks throwing Kim against his board and throwing
 Shoemaker to the deck.  Paris turned to look, got half way out of his seat, and reseated
 himself, refocusing on the helm.
 
 Kim was fine and back at his station, "30 seconds to the leading edge of the nebula." 
 Shoemaker was motionless, badly burned.
 
 "Medic to the bridge.  Let's give them something to think about, Tuvok.  Target
 phasers on the leading ship.  Fire.  Then target their propulsion.  Fire at will."  The
 Captain's instructions came rapid fire.  Surprisingly, the leading Kazon ship exploded. 
 "Tuvok?"  
 
 "Target confirmed as propulsion, Captain." 
 
 "Entering the nebula, Captain."
 
 "Prepare to go to silent running."
 
 "Changing course as ordered, Captain.  Speed is at Warp 5."  Paris reported.
 
 "Mr. Paris, prepare to change course just after we achieve silent running, use minimal
 thrusters.  Your discretion."
 
 "Aye Captain."  
 
 "All hands go to silent running, report to Ops when achieved."  Captain Janeway
 ordered.
 
 The lights dimmed all over the ship.  All possible activity was halted, the warp drive
 was taken off line.  "All departments report at silent running, Captain."
 
 "Mr. Paris."  
 
 "Going to 85.3 mark 65.  We are currently drifting at approximately one quarter
 impulse."
 
 "Miss Ozawah, go find Mr. Neelix and bring him to the bridge.  You will have to use
 the manual access ways between decks."
 
  "Mr. Kim, can you see the Kazon?  Passive scans only."
 
 "No, Captain."
 
 "Now we wait.  Try to relax.  This will probably take some time."  
 
 An oppressive, looming, silence settled over the bridge for several minutes.  It was
 broken by the sound of a low moan and the rustling of movement.
 
 "Tom."  His head turned sharply to Carly, then more slowly to his Captain.  He was
 fully prepared to remain at his post and his manner demonstrated that.  Janeway gave
 one sharp nod.  He mouthed 'thank you' and was at Carly's side.
 
 "Carly."
 
 "Tom, there you are," she smiled.  
 
 "Shh, don't talk.  Try to rest."  Carly was badly hurt.  She had third degree burns over
 most of the front of her body.  Her uniform had melted into her flesh.
 
 "Tom, it doesn't matter.  I'm dying."
 
 "Don't say that.  The medic will be up here soon.  You'll be. . ."
 
 She lifted her hand to his lips.  "No.  I don't have much time.  Hold me."  
 
 Tom sat down and lifted her as carefully as he could resting her on his lap and
 cradling her in the crook of his right arm.  "Carly, I love you."  Please, don't leave
 me."
 
 "I won't.  I'll stay with you as long as you need me,"  she reassured him.  She seemed
 to rally a little.  "Tom, do what the Captain says.  She'll steer you right.  You two 
 meeting, it's part of a plan."  She paused fading a little.   "You can do it, Tom.  I know
 you can."  She stopped talking for long moments, closed her eyes, and rested in his
 arms.  Tom drew her close and kissed her on the forehead, the only undamaged part of
 her face.  "You'll think it's too hard.  It's not.  Keep trying, Tom.  Keep trying!"  With
 her last strength she raised her arm to touch Tom's face.  "I love you, Tom."  A shutter
 ran through her body and she stiffened and went limp.  It seemed the whole bridge
 crew sighed with her as her breath left her body.  Tom gently closed her eyes and
 hugged her tightly to him.  
 
 Tom was just beginning to lay her down when Kim announced, "at least one Kazon
 ship has entered the nebula."  Tom quickly finished laying her down and hurried back
 to his post.
 
 Suddenly Tom ask,  "Is there any way to fake a Kazon communication?"
 
 "What are you thinking, Tom?"  Chakotay asked.
 
 "If we know where they are, we could send a tight beam fake Kazon message to each
 ship and maybe trick them into firing on each other."
 
 "Sounds good enough to follow up on," Janeway continued, "keep power levels as low
 as possible.  Mr. Kim, how many ships do you have identified?"
 
 "It appears there are three in the nebula, Captain." Miss Ozawah returned with Mr.
 Neelix.
 
 "Mr. Neelix, I want you to tell me about the Kazon," the Captain ordered.
 
 "Ah, well, ah, Captain.  They are a violent, warlike race.  There are 17 distinctly
 different sects.  Ah, ah, the sects are suspicious of each other and don't usually ally
 with each other.  Sometimes there are splits within sects."
 
 "Put a schematic on the view screen, Mr. Kim.  Mr. Tuvok, recruit whoever you need
 to work on the communications problem.  You might ask Mr. Neelix's opinion.  The
 bridge became a hive of activity as each person focused on their own particular job. 
 Tom didn't really have anything to do.  The ship was drifting.  He did anything he
 could to keep from thinking about Carly.
 
 Many hours passed.  The plan was finalized.  Three different signals were sent with
 the instruction to fire when instructed.  
 
 There was some doubt among the bridge crew about whether all the ships would fire
 because of the lack of cooperation between the sects.  This lack of cooperation
 ultimately worked for Voyager.  The ships inside the nebula all fired according to
 plan.  Two ships were destroyed and one disabled.  The Nistrum ship outside the
 nebula realized that the Ogla ship had fired on a Nistrum ship inside the nebula and a
 firefight erupted between the Ogla ship and  the Nistrum ship outside of the nebula. 
 This resulted in two other ships leaving the area.  The last ship entered the conflict
 between the ships outside the nebula.
 
 At this point the Captain ordered, "Mr. Paris, plot us a course to the point farthest
 distant in the nebula from the firefight."
 
 Immediately, Paris answered, "Plotted, Captain."
 
 "Mr. Paris, are you anticipating my orders?"  Janeway queried.
 
 Paris turned toward her, "No Captain, just keeping busy.  I have four other possible
 courses ready also."
 
 "Very good, Lieutenant.  Engage at maximum impulse.  Stand down Red alert. 
 Maintain Yellow alert.  Maintain the residuals of silent running until we are out of the
 nebulae." 
 
 "Aye, Captain."
 
 "Commander, let's get alpha shift to bed and gamma shift up here.  Alpha shift will
 report, 1100.  I'll finish Gamma and you can relieve me at 1100.  Does that sound OK
 to you?"  Softly she said, "Why didn't we get a medic up here.  I just realized one
 never came.  No one has even come for Miss Shoemaker's body."
 
 "I'll take care of it, Captain."  Chakotay said,  "It would be cruel to call attention to
 this in view of Mr. Paris' feelings."  Janeway nodded her ascent.  Chakotay left the
 bridge.
 
 "Captain, request permission to remain on shift."
 
 "Mr. Paris, I would think you'd be exhausted."
 
 How could he say that he needed to talk.  He wanted to talk to her.  How could he say
 he felt safe and comforted just being in the same room with her.  He couldn't because
 he couldn't think those thoughts to himself, much less say them to his Captain. 
 Instead, he turned his chair shrugged and said, "I'm really wound up.  I don't think I
 could sleep anyway."
 
 Captain Janeway studied her young, distraught, Lieutenant.  He looked like a puppy
 just taken from its mother.  He doesn't have anyone to support him.  Maybe he's asking
 me for support.  "Very well, Mr. Paris, you will go off shift when I do and your next
 shift will be alpha the following day."
 
 "Thank you, Captain."  The gratitude and relief was evident in his voice.
 
 Two security men came for Carly's body.  They had been apprised of the situation and
 were particularly careful.  The Captain addressed Tom.  "Mr. Paris, I know of no one
 any closer to Lieutenant Shoemaker than you were.  Would you like to take charge of
 the memorial service?"
 
 "Yes, Captain, it would be an honor."
 
 Little happens on gamma shift.  The bridge typically has two or three people on it and
 only essential stations are covered throughout the ship.  If something unusual happens,
 Alpha shift is roused out of bed.  It was in this 0400 stillness that Tom began his first
 tentative attempts to heal his heart.  "Captain, have you ever lost anyone close to
 you?"
 
 "Yes, Tom, I lost my fiancé and my father in the same accident."
 
 "I guess I have too, those three officers were my friends, but that was different
 somehow.  Carly had my heart.  Why, Captain, why did she have to die?"
 
 Janeway came down to the helm and put her arm on Tom's shoulder.  "I asked that
 same question time and time again.  I don't think there is an answer."
 
 "She talked like she would still be here.  She wanted me to listen to you."
 
 "I'd endorse that, Tom."  Tom managed a smile at that.
 
 "She said. . .she said there was a plan to our meeting.  What could that mean?"
 
 "I think many of these questions will have to wait for time to answer them."  She took
 the initiative.  "How did you meet Carly?"  They continued to talk for a long time. 
 They talked until Lieutenant Paris was talked out.  His grief incised his heart and was
 still fresh and painfully present.  He had shared it with someone who understood. 
 Someone who cared.  For now he was peaceful.
 
 At 1100 Mr. Paris and Captain Janeway left on the same turbolift for their quarters. 
 Paris was pale and exhausted emotionally as well as physically.  He was happy he
 didn't have to report for duty that day.  Janeway was also tired physically and
 emotionally;  however, though exhausting, supporting a person through a crisis can be
 emotionally strengthening and had been this time.  Janeway had emptied her reservoir
 and filled it to over flowing with the same action.  They said good night beside the
 Captain's quarters and Tom went on to his quarters.  He did no more than change into
 his pajamas and put the privacy sign on his door before laying down on the bed to
 sleep.
 
 Tom awoke about 1700 and figured that was enough sleep for now.  At first, he didn't
 remember about Carly and forgot why he had been sleeping in the daytime.  When he
 saw his blood stained uniform, it all came crashing back to him.  For a while he gave
 himself over to the tears that could not be shed on the bridge.  Not wild or hysterical,
 he wept quietly for the loss of such a new love and for their future that would never
 be.  He needed to get started on the memorial service.  He also wanted to talk to
 Lieutenant Larry Ramsey.  He wanted to know why Ramsey did it.
 
 4****************4
 
 The more Paris looked into Carly's past the more puzzling it became to him.  No one
 on the ship knew her well.  Her roommate came onto Voyager with Carly from their
 previous posting.  Even she knew little more about her than that she was from Earth. 
 Everyone said she was an excellent officer.  She was quiet and kept to herself.  These
 descriptions did not match the Carly Shoemaker Tom knew. 
 
 Getting desperate he saw Commander Chakotay in the mess hall, "Sir, could I talk to
 you?"
 
 "Yes, Mr. Paris, what is it?"
 
 "Captain Janeway asked me to organize a memorial service for Carly Shoemaker.  So
 far I've talked to five of the people who knew her best and, well, no one knew her. 
 She didn't have any friends.  I didn't really know her.  She introduced herself to me the
 evening after the botched diagnostic.  She was anything but reserved or standoffish. 
 What I wanted to ask you is:  Could I look at her personnel records?  Maybe there is
 something there I could use.  If nothing else, her service record."  
 
 The Commander thought for a minute, then said, "I'll have to check with the Captain
 before I give you access to the whole record.  I know you can have her service record
 and the biographical page that we all have in our records.  As far as anything else, the
 Captain will have to decide."
 
 "Thank you, Commander."  Paris started to leave.
 
 "Lieutenant."  He sat back down and looked at Chakotay.  "I'm sorry for your loss.  I
 wouldn't have something like this happen to anyone.  You handled yourself quite
 professionally through the crisis."  Paris continued to look at Chakotay for a beat,
 nodded and left.
 
 Paris started eagerly on his next 'mission'.  As he came closer and closer to the brig,
 his steps became slower and slower until as he drew along side the doors to enter the
 brig, he stopped.  Unexpectedly, he was unsure of why he had come.  What would he
 say?  What exactly did he want to know?  How would Ramsey react to him?  Did that
 even matter?  He stood outside the brig for several minutes.  Not getting any answers
 from himself, he entered and observed Ramsey.  
 
 Ramsey was agitatedly pacing in his cell with his eyes focused inward.  Paris checked
 in with the security man on duty.  Larry Ramsey was permitted unrestricted visitors. 
 He walked slowly over to Ramsey's cell and stood about five feet away and waited. 
 Paris understood how Ramsey felt being confined.  "It's difficult.  The first few weeks
 are the hardest."  
 
 Ramsey whirled around and stared at Paris.  "How long have you been standing
 there?"
 
 "Not long.  I was remembering doing the same thing when I was first confined."
 
 "Well, I won't be here long.  Maybe you'll be here in my place, Paris," Ramsey
 sneered.  "I should have been the Chief Helm Officer."
 
 "Is that why you tried to made me look incompetent."
 
 "I've been passed over twice.  Once on the Excelsior and now on Voyager."  Ramsey
 didn't really answer the question.
 
 "Ramsey, be honest with yourself.  What's in your record that would cause you to be
 passed over?"
 
 "Nothing like what's in yours!  Murdering three officers then lying about it.  That takes
 all the prizes."
 
 I didn't murder them.  He has a point though, Paris thought.  How would I feel if that
 had happened to me.  I didn't make the choice, the Captain did.  "Ramsey, I would be
 very angry under the same circumstances.  If you come clean and confess what you
 did, I'll try to convince the Captain to be lenient and get you back at the helm."
 
 "I don't need any favors from a felon," Ramsey sneered.  "They can't have much
 evidence.  That brat at Ops is straight from the Academy.  He's so green he could pass
 for grass in the holodeck!"
 
 "Has Commander Chakotay talked to you yet?  No.  You'll need counsel.  You can
 choose anyone on the ship except me and the Captain.  Chakotay doesn't like me. 
 He'd probably do a great job for you."  Paris started to walk away.  He turned back and
 said, "Let me know if you change your mind."  Ramsey did something totally
 unexpected.  He spat at Paris.  Paris lifted an eyebrow, turned on his heel and left the
 room.
 
 Ramsey never did tell me what he had done to be passed over.  I guess that's really
 none of my business.  His  vehemence makes me wonder why I was chosen over him. 
 He really thinks that he should be the Chief officer on helm.  Tom continued to muse
 as he went to the mess hall.  He wasn't hungry though he knew he should eat
 something.  He had just ordered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when Chakotay
 paged him.
 
 "Yes, Commander."
 
 "I'm on my way to Lieutenant Shoemaker's quarters to go through her personal effects. 
 Would you like to join me?"
 
 "Yes, I would, Commander.  I'll meet you there.  Paris out."  Back goes that sandwich. 
 For someone who doesn't like me, he treats me with a lot of consideration.  Tom had
 been closer to her quarters than Chakotay and he was waiting when Chakotay arrived. 
 Her roommate was on shift so the two men were by themselves as they worked in
 Shoemaker's room.
 
 Chakotay entered and immediately went to one of the desks.  Tom hung back at the
 door, suddenly very uncomfortable.  He had never been inside her quarters before.  He
 slowly entered and said, "where should I start."
 
 "You can go to the closet and fold her clothes."  
 
 "Which closet is hers?"
 
 "As you face them, the one on the right."
 
 Tom opened the closet and was struck by how few clothes she had.  It looked like she
 had only two sets of civvies and the regulation minimum number of uniforms.  Tom
 folded them and brought them out, then returned for her shoes and boots.  "She sure
 didn't have many clothes."
 
 "She didn't have much in the way of possessions, either," Chakotay stated.  "There is
 something here for you.  She had a paper journal.  It started with the date you boarded
 Voyager.  There is an entry on the first page instructing whoever found it to give it to
 you.  Her last entry was the morning of the day she was killed."  Chakotay held it out
 to Tom.
 
 A chill ran through Paris.  He slowly walked over to Commander Chakotay and took
 the book.  He held it almost reverently in his two hands.  He made a weak attempt at
 humor, "You'd think this book was Pandora's box.  I can't bring myself to open it."
 
 "Paris, my people are steeped in spiritual traditions.  I follow the tradition of the
 vision quest.  This has the feel of something like that."  Tom looked deeply into
 Chakotay's eyes.  He could see that he could trust him in this matter at least.  "If I may
 give you some advice, you will know the time to open the book.  Do not rush the
 experience."  Tom nodded solemnly and hugged the book against his chest.
 
 The mood broke and Tom was intensely light headed.  He fell first to his knees, his
 arms flung out throwing the book across the room and then all the way down with his
 head between his knees.  "Lieutenant!"  Chakotay exclaimed and went to him. 
 "Emergency transport to Sickbay take your coordinates from my com badge."
 
 "Activate the Emergency Medical Holographic Program," Chakotay ordered after they
 arrived.
 
 "Please state the nature on the medical emergency."  The Doctor started with his
 preprogrammed words.
 
 "This man collapsed for no apparent reason," Chakotay stated.  At this point Paris was
 trying to lift his head, but was still too dizzy.  Chakotay was kneeling beside him
 stabilizing him with his left arm over his back and his right hand holding Tom's arm.
 
 The EMH strode over and harshly and rudely pushed Paris' head between his knees
 almost causing him to fall over and causing another bout of disorientation.  "Keep his
 head down, Commander."  The EMH ordered.  The Doctor had adapted to the lack of
 a nurse and went to get his own medical tricorder.  He ran the instrument over Paris'
 body and asked.  "What is my patient's name?"
 
 "Tom Paris."  Chakotay informed him.
 
 "Tom Paris, when was the last time you had anything to eat or drink?"  The Doctor ask
 condescendingly. 
 
 Tom was beginning to feel better and he lifted his head only to have it shoved back
 down.  "Keep your head down.  You'll only faint again if you raise it."
 
 "Was it yesterday or the day before yesterday at noon.  I can't remember."  Tom
 mumbled into the floor.
 
 "Commander, if this is the normal state of this person he has a serious problem.  He
 cannot state with certainty when he last ate."
 
 "Lieutenant Paris has just lost a person very close to him and following that worked a
 shift over 24 hours long.  He ate yesterday at noon.  I'm not sure the last time he drank
 anything."
 
 "The Lieutenant's blood sugar is low, his blood pressure is low and his electrolytes are
 way out of balance.  He needs a good meal and several supplements.  He could use a
 good night's sleep.  I'll take care of the supplements."  The Doctor gave Paris a
 hypospray and handed Chakotay a glass with a white liquid in it.  "Lieutenant, you
 may sit up."  Paris raised his head normally and promptly put it back down. 
 "SLOWLY."  He raised it slowly this time and arranged himself so that he was sitting
 on the floor.  "Drink that."  The Doctor said indicating the glass Chakotay was
 holding.
 
 "What is it?"  asked Tom suspiciously taking it from Chakotay.
 
 "Milk.  A good general food."  The Doctor eyed Paris.  "Will you obey instructions or
 do I have to keep you in Sickbay overnight."
 
 "I'll obey instructions!"
 
 "Commander, can I trust him?"
 
 Chakotay eyed Paris with a maliciously, mischievous, glint in his eye, "Well. . ., he
 has been known. . ."
 
 "Commander, I'm not staying in Sickbay tonight!"
 
 "Lieutenant Paris is reliable, Doctor."  Chakotay relented.
 
 "Very well, you will go to the mess hall and eat a good dinner.  Then, you will go to
 your quarters and prepare to go to sleep.  Give yourself a hypospray while laying in
 your bed.  It works quickly.  If you give it to yourself anywhere else you will collapse
 and be in Sickbay for the night.  Did I make myself clear?"
 
 "Yes, Doc."
 
 "Commander, if I may impose on you further.  It is possible that the Lieutenant is not
 stable enough to walk to the mess hall.  Would you accompany him, please?"
 
 "Yes, Doctor."
 
 "Lieutenant, you may slowly get up."  Paris stood still not fully sure of his feet; 
 however, with the Doctor on one side and Chakotay on the other he arose.  He walked
 around Sickbay while the Doctor prepared the hypospray and he and Chakotay left for
 the mess hall.
 
 On the way Paris remembered Carly's journal.  "Commander, I left Carly's journal in
 her quarters."  Paris took Chakotay's arm and stopped.
 
 Chakotay stopped and said, "Let's get you to the mess hall and eating."  He turned
 Paris back to the direction they were traveling.  "I'll get it and put it on your desk in
 your quarters.  I really don't want to encounter that holographic doctor again.  You're
 in there for the night if you go back.  I'm going to talk to the Captain about him.  I'm
 not sure if he helps or hurts patients."
 
 The Lieutenant chose his dinner and ate it without further problems.  He went back to
 his quarters.  True to his word Chakotay had delivered the journal.  Tom went and
 picked it up.  More and more he was certain that Carly was more than she appeared to
 be.  The instructions to whomever found the journal were followed mid-line by the
 date for the next day.  He took only the briefest time looking at the journal and was
 meticulous about following the doctor's orders.  He slept soundly all night.  Kim didn't
 even awaken him when he came in.
 
 *
 
 The next day Captain Janeway was on the bridge most of the morning working at her
 command station computer.  Chakotay was nowhere to be seen until about 1100 and
 asked to see the Captain in her ready room.  Janeway scanned the bridge in order to
 select a person to leave in charge.  Young group this morning.  Lieutenant Tuvok was
 conducting a training class.  Mr. Paris is senior officer.  She walked over to him and
 spoke quietly with him.  "Mr. Paris, I'm planning to leave you in charge of the bridge. 
 Any comments."
 
 Paris took a deep breath and let it out.  "Where will you be?"
 
 "In my ready room with Commander Chakotay.  If anything comes up, call me."
 
 "Yes, ma'am." 
 
 In a normal voice she said, "Mr. Paris, you have the bridge.  I'll be in my ready room."
 
 "Yes, Captain."
 
 Janeway preceded Chakotay into her ready room.  She went to her desk and waited for
 him to start.  "Mr. Ramsey continues to assert his innocence.  I have discussed his
 options and all of the charges.  He does not believe we have the evidence we do.  He
 claims to have several friends who will alibi him.  Ramsey says that each time we say
 he was in his quarters tampering with the helm, in fact, he was with his three friends. 
 
 "How does he explain the computer record of him being in his quarters?"  Janeway
 asked.
 
 "He says he left his combadge off."
 
 "That's a chargeable offence in itself not to mention being suspicious.
 
 "Yes, but not nearly as serious as any of the offences he is charged with presently. 
 Additionally, if his combadge were off he would not appear to be in the same room
 with his friends.  I will have Mr. Tuvok interview people other than his friends to
 testify about his presence in that room.  A camera we placed in the corridor shows
 Ramsey exiting his quarters directly after he tripped the failsafe."
 
 "All the evidence must be kept secure."  The Commander stressed.  "I would suggest
 we copy it at least once and store them both securely.  He is insisting on a public
 trial."
 
 "He's in Starfleet, that's not how it works.  I will be the magistrate.  Did he accept you
 as counsel?"
 
 "Yes.  Did you know Paris went to see him?"  Janeway shook her head.  "Paris told
 Ramsey I would be good counsel for him because of my hard feelings for Paris.  He
 also told Ramsey that if he confessed he would try to lobby you to be lenient and get
 him back on helm."
 
 "Mr. Paris is full of surprises.  Chakotay, only time will tell if he fulfills my
 expectations, of course. Professionally at least, I wish you would take another look at
 Paris.  There is more to him than simply an ex-con who was booted out of Starfleet."
 
 "Captain, let me tell you about the experience we had organizing Lieutenant
 Shoemaker's effects."  Chakotay proceeded to tell her all about it.  Including the part
 about the journal and the spiritual feelings he received from it, and Paris fainting
 when he held it to his chest.  "The doctor said he fainted because he hadn't eaten in
 over 24 hours.  I suppose that is possible.  I don't think so.  Not in a healthy man in his
 20's."  He went on changing the subject slightly.  "We need to consider the possibility
 that Carly Shoemaker was not what she appeared to be.  At some point I think we
 should bring it up to Mr. Paris."
 
 "I agree,"  Janeway affirmed.  "However, now we need to discuss to Mr. Ramsey.  I
 recommend we use Mr. Tuvok as prosecutor.  He has served in that role before and is
 very thorough.  I'll talk to him this afternoon if you concur.    How long do you need to
 prepare?"
 
 "Give me two weeks, if I need more time I'll let you know.  Acting as counsel for my
 client.  Are you going to leave him in the brig?  He could be confined to quarters
 instead."  Chakotay suggested.
 
 "I have been thinking about that knotty little dilemma."  Janeway confessed.  "The
 main problem is that I don't want him anywhere near a computer.  He's obviously too
 good to be trusted near one.  We can't trust him to keep his word to avoid tampering. 
 It's next to impossible to remove all of the computer components from residential
 quarters.  The brig is specially constructed to prevent tampering.  Unless that problem
 can be solved I don't see any recourse.  I'm not willing to release him on his own
 recognizance for the same reason."
 
 "I'll get Lieutenant Anderson working on it.  You were going to set a trial date?"
 
 "Yes, how does stardate 48366.7 sound at 0900."  The Captain suggested.  "I don't
 object to piping it through the computer system or to having a gallery.  If everyone
 knows what is happening there will be less miss-information and fewer rumors.  Ask
 Lieutenant Anderson to assign someone to be in charge of the planning and
 production. Let's use holodeck two for the site of the trial.  We can manipulate the
 environment as we wish.  Keep it close to a regulation Starfleet courtroom.  Is there
 anything else?"
 
 "We're up to date as far as Mr. Ramsey is concerned."  Chakotay affirmed.  "I'd like to
 bring you up to date on several other matters."  He then briefed the Captain on the
 status of the modification of the quarters, his progress on the remaining staffing needs,
 the lack of progress finding an energy sourse, and various other items of ship's
 business.  "I'm finished, Captain."  Chakotay said with a smile.
 
 "Commander, one more thing, our two crews have been out here together for about
 three weeks.  During that time you have been unstintingly supportive and efficient. 
 You couldn't have been a better first officer.  Thank you."  Janeway extended her
 hand.  The Commander was taken aback and slowly took it.  As he shook her hand a
 slow smile spread across his face. 
 
 Paris was right, the Captain had caught him in her snare.  "Thank you, Captain, that is
 high praise.  I'm happy to be of service."
 
 Janeway returned his smile and said, "Let's see what kind of shambles our Mr. Paris
 has made of the bridge!"  Janeway was pleased to see that the bridge looked as
 peaceful and serene as it had when she had left.  
 
 Paris stood and announced, "Relinquishing the bridge," as the Captain came to her
 chair.  "Captain there was one minor course change.  We came up on a debris field
 which we went around and returned to the same heading."
 
 "Very good, Mr. Paris."  He then resumed the helm.  Janeway was well pleased with
 Paris.  Sometimes inexperienced officers think they need to give orders in order to
 justify their existence.  Janeway's motto was if everything was going well, let it keep
 going that way.  Paris could have had the bridge crew stirred up through his
 nervousness.  He was undoubtedly nervous, but he had been poised enough to keep it
 from showing.
 
 6****************6
 
 Tom and Harry got off together.  The first thing Harry did when they entered the
 turbolift was rib Tom.  "Captain for an hour and 27 minutes.  You've hit the big time
 now." 
 
 Tom smiled back.  He had done alright and he knew it.  "I probably should have
 checked up on that new Ensign at ops.  I've heard he is green as grass."  Harry shoved
 Tom for that one.  "Harry, what are you doing tonight?  Would you mind some
 company?  I really don't want to spend the evening alone." 
 
 "Sure, Tom, you're welcome."  It seemed like he was holding up well, but Harry
 figured he was a pretty good actor.  "You really haven't had a chance to meet people
 except on your shift.  You've been studying or something every night.  Usually one of
 the holodecks is set up for some kind of group activity.  They've had a pool, a resort, a
 cantina, a play, back packing.  Lots of things.  That's where I was going to go."
 
 "That sounds fine," Tom said.  Actually he didn't care what he was doing.  He just
 didn't want to do it alone.  First, they went to their quarters.  Tom realized again he
 didn't have any civvies.  "Harry, I don't have any clothes except uniforms.  Will people
 be wearing uniforms?"
 
 "No, Tom, you'd stick out like a sore thumb.  When I was settled in my quarters, the
 quartermaster came around and told me I was authorized to use 100 credits in the
 replicator.  I take it they didn't tell you anything like that."
 
 "I'll call the quartermaster.  Lieutenant Paris to the quartermaster."
 
 "Quartermaster's office."
 
 "I was wondering if you could tell me how many credits I have been authorized to use
 in the replicator."
 
 "That's Lieutenant Paris.  I'm sorry, I don't have a Lieutenant Paris listed."
 
 "What does that mean?"  Tom asked 
 
 "For one thing it means you don't have any replicator rations."
 
 "How do I get authorized to get them?"  Tom asked.
 
 "Go through the first officer,"  the voice at the quartermaster's office said.
 
 "Thank you, Paris out."  He wasn't sure it was worth it.  He rolled his eyes at Harry.  "I
 hate this!"  He felt it was important to blend in with the group.  "Lieutenant Paris to
 Commander Chakotay"
 
 "Chakotay, here."
 
 "Sorry to bother you, Commander.  I've run into a problem.  I need some clothes and I
 don't have any replicator rations issued to me.  The quartermaster's office said I
 needed to talk to you."
 
 "Mr. Paris, how have you existed on this ship without replicator rations?"
 
 "Sir, I've worn only uniforms and eaten in the mess hall.  I'm not used to fancy, if
 you'll remember."
 
 "I apologize for the oversight.  I will call the quartermaster's office and instruct them
 to activate 100 rations immediately.  Give them 10 minutes before you call to confirm
 them.  Chakotay out."
 
 "Ya know, Harry, it's things like this that could really get to me if I let them.  Little
 insults.  They are really annoying."
 
 "We could go get dinner and then come back to check on your rations."
 
 "That sounds good."
 
 Dinner was better than average and Tom was issued his rations without a hitch.  Tom
 decided to go soft and comfortable for his first set of civvies.  He did check them out
 with Kim to make sure they were at least marginally in style.  This chore done, they
 went to the holodeck.  They found an old fashion barn dance in progress.
 
 As they walked in they were greeted with a sneering, "Well, if it isn't our helm-flying
 ex-con!"  Kim turned immediately, fire in his eyes.  Tom just shook his head and
 pushed Kim ahead of him.  
 
 "It isn't worth it.  Believe me, it isn't worth it."  Kim gave in and they went to the far
 corner of the barn where no one had heard the jibe.  The next two dances were  square
 dances and they watched.  Neither Tom nor Kim had ever seen this type of dancing
 done, but the people who danced it were having a great time.  The next dance was
 ladies choice .  All the men were lined up and the ladies were to circle until they saw a
 likely candidate.  A black haired Klingon stopped in front of Tom and pulled him out
 of line.
 
 "Alright, you'll do.  What's your name?"
 
 "Tom, Tom Paris.  What's yours?"
 
 "B'Elanna Torres.  I knew I'd seen you before.  You helped to rescue Kim and I at
 Ocampa."
 
 "I'm glad you recovered.  I recognize you now."  She must be the most beautiful
 creature I've ever seen.  Look at me, Carly's not dead two full days and I'm already
 looking around.  'It's OK, Tom.  She's good for you.' Something inside him seemed to
 say.
 
 "You're a million miles away."
 
 "Sorry, I was close to the only person killed yesterday.  I was just thinking about her. 
 She dominates my every thought."
 
 "I know it doesn't help much, but that's normal."  B'Elanna empathized.  "Eventually,
 those thoughts will go into the background of your mind.  Mine have never left
 completely."  During this speech she had pulled Tom over to a row of chairs and sat
 down.  "I don't want to dance this dance."
 
 Tom sat down next to her.  "You're part of the Maquis?"  She nodded.  "I was with the
 Maquis. . . for about a month.  I was captured on my first mission.  Captain Janeway
 recruited me out of prison to help find you.  I don't know why I'm telling you this. 
 You'll just hate me."  The futility of trying to make friends with anyone on the ship
 seemed to crystallize in his mind.  "This is stupid.  I'm going back to my quarters." 
 Tom was up and away before B'Elanna could say anything.
 
 "No, Tom."  B'Elanna got up and went after him.  She found that the crowd that
 opened for Tom closed in his wake and by the time she got to the door she had lost
 him.  She continued to look for him.  When she couldn't find him, she asked the
 computer where he was and went there.  She had to ring three times and knock loudly
 before he answered the door.  Tom stood there looking at her antagonistically.  "What
 do I have to do to prove I don't hate you?  Break the door down!"
 
 Tom smiled faintly at that and said, "Come on in.  I guess I expect it.  Most of both the
 Starfleet crew and the Maquis crew hate me.  I'm not too crazy about myself, either. 
 It's unanimous.  Come to think about it I'm pretty good at feeling sorry for myself,
 too."
 
 B'Elanna watched him from a chair across the room from him.  There was something
 about him that struck a familiar note with her.  He looked as if he were at the end of
 his rope and desperate to hold on.  She usually wasn't one to take in charity cases.  But
 Tom pulled at her.  He needed someone.  He needed her.  She went over and sat
 beside him on the couch.  "You said you were close to the person who died in the
 Kazon attack.  Tell me about her."
 
 Tom looked at B'Elanna his eyes glassy with unshed tears.  "We hadn't known each
 other very long, a few weeks.  Have you heard about the business with Lieutenant
 Ramsey?"
 
 "Who hasn't."
 
 "I met her the same day the helm diagnostic was supposedly botched.  She imposed
 herself on my life not much differently than you did.  Within a few days we were with
 each other every possible minute.  She was either patiently quizzing me or 'boxing my
 ears' to keep me in line.  Later, we worked on the computer modifications to catch
 Ramsey together.  I loved her, no, I love her so intensely, I can't conceive living
 without her."
 
 At Tom's last phrase,  B'Elanna looked up sharply.  She didn't want to over react.  She
 knew it was important to react the right way.  "You can't conceive living without her. 
 What do you mean by that, Tom?"
 
 "The pain is terrific," he went on not answering her question.   "I feel so empty.  I
 want the pain to stop.  I'm still trying to adjust to not being an inmate.  I have to worry
 about all the things Janeway is throwing at me.  This thing with Ramsey.  He's not
 confessing.  It's getting to be too much.  I want to give up.  I want it to end. 
 Sometimes I think I want to. . ."  He stopped, the thought too scary to express.
 
 "Tom, what do you want to do?  It's better to say it and get it out in the open." 
 B'Elanna urged him.
 
 "I'm trying to think of a way to stop the pain."
 
 "Say it, Tom.  I think I know what you're talking about.  I can't know for sure unless
 you do.  You won't shock me.  I understand it's just a thought that ran through your
 mind.  You won't follow through on it."
 
 "I thought about doing away with myself.  I don't really want to do that.  I hurt so
 badly.  I want it to stop hurting."
 
 "I'm sorry, it's going to hurt for a while."
 
 "How can I stand it?  How can I get through it?"  He looked beseechingly at B'Elanna.
 
 She gathered him into her arms and held him.  "You reach out to friends and
 sympathetic people, Tom.  Just like you are doing."  He let B'Elanna hold him needing
 the physical reassurance.  By and by Tom fell asleep.  Harry found Tom asleep on the
 sofa with his head on B'Elanna's lap when he returned.  B'Elanna gently removed
 herself and found a blanket to cover him and motioned Kim to the hall.
 
 "He's overwhelmed by everything that has happened to him since he boarded Voyager. 
 I think it's important that he not be left alone for at least the next couple weeks.  He
 has had thoughts about suicide.  Don't panic, he's not actively suicidal.  I had a cousin
 that had a similar set of events happen to her and she did attempt to take her life.  I'll
 talk to the Captain tomorrow morning."
 
 ****************
 
 Near the beginning of alpha shift B'Elanna paged the Captain.
 
 "Yes, Lieutenant." 
 
 "Captain, could I meet with you privately this morning?"
 
 "Yes, Lieutenant, can you come up now?"
 
 "I'll be right up.  Torres out."
 
 When B'Elanna arrived on the bridge, Janeway motioned her toward her ready room. 
 Janeway offered her a seat and seated herself behind her desk.  "What can I do for
 you, Lieutenant?"  
 
 "Tom Paris helped Harry Kim and I escape from the passageway to the surface on
 Ocampa.  I met him yesterday at the barn dance on the holodeck.  He's been hit with a
 lot in the past few weeks.  I'm not a counselor or even an authority except that one of
 my best friends committed suicide when I was a teenager and a cousin attempted it."
 
 "Suicide!  Is Tom Paris suicidal?"
 
 "I don't think he is actively suicidal, but he has had the thought cross his mind.  I think
 it's important for him to have company, that is, not to be alone for the next couple
 weeks.  I picked him during a turnabout dance because he looked familiar and we sat
 down to talk.  He left abruptly and I followed him to his quarters.  He was quite upset
 and we talked for a little while.  Mostly he needed support."
 
 "Mr. Paris and I spoke at length the day Carly Shoemaker died.  Tom was fine when
 he left me."
 
 "If Carly's death were all he was dealing with, I don't think he would be having the
 problems he is having now.  Do you mind if I list them?"  B'Elanna asked.  "Getting
 out of prison.  Being stranded in the Delta Quadrant.  Being commissioned Lieutenant
 and Chief Helm Officer with all the new responsibilities.  The hostility he faces from
 both Starfleet and Maquis personnel.  Being framed by Ramsey.  Ramsey not
 confessing.  Then of course Carly's death."
 
  "Lieutenant, I didn't realize that he was dealing with that much."  Captain Janeway
 exclaimed.  "I could have the computer monitor him and alert someone if he is alone
 for more than, say 20 minutes and not asleep.  I'll arrange for Tom and Harry Kim to
 have the same lunch breaks.  On alpha shift he's with the rest of the bridge crew.  Beta
 shift seems like the most difficult to cover."
 
 "Harry found us last night.  I told him.  I'm sure he would be glad to help."
 
 "Mr. Kim, is it convenient for you to come to my ready room?"
 
 "If you could give me about five minutes.  I'd appreciate it."  Kim responded.
 
  "Come when you can, Mr. Kim.  He is working on some scanning drills for me."  The
 Captain changed the subject.  "I was singularly unimpressed with Mr. Paris when I
 saw him at the prison.  It was almost as if he were trying to make me think poorly of
 him.  During the emergency with the Caretaker;  however, I saw a brave, willing,
 skilled officer."  At this point, Mr. Kim reported and sat down.
 
 "Mr. Kim," Janeway started.  "I understand that in addition to being roommates with
 Mr. Paris, you are also his friend."  Kim nodded.  "As you know Mr. Paris is
 experiencing a lot of stress and attempting to cope with many difficult issues.  Miss
 Torres brought this to my attention and has suggested that Mr. Paris have company
 especially during his off hours and lunch.  If you are willing,"  Again a nod.  "I will
 see that Commander Chakotay schedules lunch for you two together.  For Beta shift, I
 will leave the scheduling up to you, but if he is separated from anyone for more than
 the 20 minutes, Chakotay, then myself will go check on him.  If at anytime you feel he
 is dangerous to himself, have him transported to Sickbay.  We are not informing Mr.
 Paris of this arrangement, don't tell him unless he asks.  Miss Torres, is there anything
 else?"
 
 "No, Captain."
 
 "Dismissed."
 
 ****************
 
 "Tom, wait a minute.  I'm off, too."   Kim said very aware of his new instructions
 about Tom not being alone.  Tom waited while Harry finished the last few procedures
 he needed to do at his station.  "Do you have plans tonight?"
 
 "Nothing fun, if that's what you mean.  I need to get Carly's memorial service planned
 and scheduled.  I sure have run into a brick wall with that.  Nobody knew her.  It's as
 if. . ."
 
 "What Tom?"
 
 "Crazy thought," Even as he is saying it.  He doesn't really think it's crazy.  "Well, I
 wonder, could she be another type of life form.  I'm going to go talk to the EMH and
 see if he did an autopsy on Carly's body.  They're supposed to aren't they?"
 
 "Yea, I think so.  Is that what you think, that she was an alien?"  Kim asked.
 
 "When I think about them, there are an awful lot of strange coincidences."  Tom
 started.  "For instance, Carly wrote a journal.  It started the day I came on Voyager and
 began with instructions that I was to be given the journal if she died.  The last line of
 the first entry ended in the middle of the line and the next day was dated right there. 
 The book ends within a line of the last page and she made the last entry the morning
 of the day she died.  Chakotay is a spiritual man.  He was the one who found it and he
 said it had a spiritual feeling about it."
 
 "There are other coincidences.  According to her roommates she is very quiet and
 doesn't join in any activities.  When she first met me, I was rude and sarcastic and it
 didn't faze her.  She always knew the right thing to say or do.  We were working at
 memorizing the Helm Procedures Manuel and I couldn't get a particular passage.  I
 threw a fit.  A true three year old temper tantrum.  She watched for a while then stood
 up to all of her 5'5", said about five sentences and I was totally deflated.  Then she
 said good bye and I was practically on my knees begging her to stay promising her I
 would try harder and not show temper.  She took my hand and led me to the sofa
 saying we needed to relax for a few minutes.  She apologized for failing to notice I
 had been getting tense.  Then she kissed me.  Could she kiss!  Something else about
 kissing her was unusual.  She told me right up front that, well, for her own reasons,
 she wouldn't allow a physical relationship to go very far.  I was so besotted with her I
 would have agreed to anything to be with her.  The thought ran through my head I'd
 probably be taking my share of cold showers.  But it didn't happen.  Every time I
 would reach the point a cold shower would be a necessity.  She would gently turn
 things around and I would feel wonderful.  I have never been able to do that with a
 girl or vise versa.  This isn't everything either."  Kim and Paris had stopped outside the
 Sickbay while Paris finished talking.  
 
 They entered and Paris ordered, "activate the EMH."
 
 "Please state the nature of the medical emergency."
 
 "We don't have an emergency, Doc.  I need to ask you some questions."  Paris said. 
 "Did you do an autopsy on Lieutenant Carly Shoemaker.  She died in the Kazon attack
 a couple days ago?"
 
 "No, Lieutenant, I am the Emergency Medical Holographic Program.  I am not the
 Chief Medical Officer on Voyager."  The doctor replied huffily.
 
 "Will you do an autopsy on her?  There is some mystery surrounding her and it might
 give us more information.  You do know how to do an autopsy, don't you?"
 
 "I'm programmed with the knowledge of the leading doctors of the Federation."  The
 doctor responded proudly.  Paris and Kim exchanged looks.  A hologram with an
 attitude.
 
 "I'd appreciate it if you would do it," Paris requested.
 
 "Oh, very well.  Do you want to watch?"
 
 "Ah, no, Doc.  Just tell me when your report is finished."  Paris and Kim looked at
 each other again and beat a hasty retreat out of Sickbay.
 
 They were safely in the corridor and Kim commented, "I was afraid he was going to
 tell us he wouldn't do it unless we watched!"
 
 "He is really unpleasant,"  Paris said.  "I had to go to Sickbay because I fainted from
 not eating the day after Carly died.  I was feeling a little better and I raised my head. 
 He shoved it down so hard he almost made me hit my head on the floor!"
 
 "I hope he's a better doctor than his bedside manner indicates."
 
 They arrived at holodeck two and Tom quickly selected the program and
 modifications he wanted for the chapel.  "Harry, I don't have any idea what she would
 like.  I'm making it how I see her and what I like.  For music I'll have Barber's Adagio
 for Strings when people come in and Pachebel's Cannon when people leave.  I hope a
 few people come.  Not many people knew she existed."  Tom was over come by a
 wave of grief so intense it disoriented him.  He leaned on the bulkhead and breathed
 until he could function again. 
 
 "Tom, what is it?"  Kim asked quietly, putting his hand on Tom's shoulder.
 
 "I'm going back to our quarters."  Tom started back as if going alone, of course, Kim
 followed.  Tom had sat down on the sofa and held his head in his hands for several
 moments before he finally raised his head and jumped at the sight of Kim.  "I didn't
 think you were coming with me."
 
 "What type of friend would leave you just when you're hurting the most?  You've
 rescued me twice.  Even green Ensigns have compassion."  Kim chided his friend
 gently.
 
 "You know what she said, Harry?"  Tom said reminiscing.  He was trying hard not to
 cry.  He figured it was a useless attempt.  He tried anyway.  "The very first day we met
 she told me that I had done the right thing in confessing about lying about the
 accident.  How can she know that?  How can it even be true?"
 
 "I can see how."  Kim handed Tom a handkerchief.  "I don't know how you were
 brought up.  Honor, truth, hard work, were all virtues that are ingrained in me.  I
 would have found it more difficult to lie about the incident than to tell the truth. 
 Something either inside you or that you were taught made something more important
 than truth."
 
 "My name, it was my name.  I didn't want to disgrace the family name."  Tom's mood
 had altered unmistakably for the worse.  Harry was instantly on guard.  "Great job I
 did of not doing that!  My father was right, I'm nothing but a failure."
 
 "STOP IT, Tom.  You're going to talk yourself into a bad mood." 
 
 "Oh what's the use," Tom said sarcastically.  "I think I make some progress every so
 often, but I always mess things up somehow.  Either that or somebody messes it up for
 me.  Like Ramsey.  If he doesn't confess there will always be people who believe
 him."
 
 Kim knelt down in front of him and took him by the shoulders and lifted him up,
 "Tom, listen to me.  Stop this.  You shouldn't talk like this."  
 
 "You don't know how it is, I come home excited I made the first team in Parisi
 Squares and I get ridiculed because I wasn't captain."  He continued to push himself
 deeper into his hole.
 
 "Tom, if you don't stop this and get sensible I'll have to do something drastic."  Tom
 wasn't even in the same world.  He wasn't even aware of Kim. 
 
 "I'm not even sure I could have made it into the Academy without my father's
 influence.  I'm just above my level.  I shouldn't be here at all!"
 
 Kim shook him sharply and he still wouldn't listen.  Kim didn't see that he had any
 choice.  Out of nowhere, from Tom's point of view, there came a stinging slap.  Tom
 bolted out of his chair and confronted Kim.
 
 "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"  Tom was almost as shocked as when the Captain had
 slapped him.  This one was harder.
 
 "You wouldn't listen to me.  You kept talking stupid." Kim had jumped back, ready to
 defend himself, not knowing if Tom would fight him.
 
 "In other words, you did it to get my attention."
 
 "Yea, I guess so."  Kim acceded.
 
 "I must be really thick headed."
 
 "Don't start, Paris."  Kim warned.
 
 "No, I wasn't.  You can't tell anyone this."  He paused and caught Kim's eye to
 emphasize how important it was.  "A few days ago.  I was in Janeway's office and she
 slapped me."
 
 "Captain Janeway slapped you?!"
 
 "For the very same reason you did.  To get my attention.  Harry, I hurt worse than I've
 ever hurt before.  Worse than I ever thought I could.  The only time I don't hurt is at
 my post when I forget her."  He had been aimlessly drifting and he came to the wall
 and leaned against it.  "I'm tired.  I think I'll take nap."
 
 "I've got some work to do at the computer.  You go ahead and take the bed."
 
 Later, after Tom's nap they had dinner and spent the last couple of hours poking
 around in areas of the ship neither of them had seen.  The next day was basically the
 same without the scene Tom pulled the first night.
 
 ****************
 
 Just a handful of people attended the memorial service for Carly Shoemaker.  The
 Captain and Commander Chakotay, her former roommate Angela Armstrong, her
 department head Lieutenant Anderson, Ensign Kim and B'Elanna Torres.  Tom read
 her service record which was excellent.  Captain Janeway spoke of her work on
 Voyager and Angela told of her kind spirit and unfailing unselfishness.  "She always
 knew the right thing to say if I was down."
 
 Tom wrote the eulogy and began in a strong voice.  When he faltered and could not
 continue, Harry stood, took Tom by the elbow, and finished for him.  When it was
 over and people came by to give their respects to Tom.  Soon everyone was gone but
 B'Elanna.
 
 "You did a good job with the service, Tom."  Tom jumped when B'Elanna spoke.  He
 had thought he was alone.
 
 "Thank you," he said hollowly.  "Don't you have somewhere to go?  I'd like to be alone
 for awhile."  He was quiet for a short time.  "Boy, that was tactful.  Sorry, I didn't
 really mean to be rude."
 
 "If you don't mind too terribly I'd like to be alone with you.  I'll be quiet."  Tom gave
 half a shrug.
 
 B'Elanna was enjoying the solitude and peaceful atmosphere of the room when she
 noticed Tom had his head buried in his hands and was silently sobbing.  She
 replicated handkerchief for him and went over and stuffed it into one of his hands.  He
 took it but didn't lift his head so B'Elanna sat down beside him and gently rubbed his
 back.  In time this helped calm him, he sat up and said,  "I lied earlier, I didn't want to
 be alone at all.  I just didn't want you to feel like you had to stay.  Before Caldik
 Prime, I had friends that would help me, support me through hard times.  I've managed
 to alienate everyone since then, until I came to Voyager.  Now there are some people
 who are willing to take time with me."
 
 Instead of answering him, B'Elanna said, "have you ever seen Engineering?"  Tom
 shook his head.  "Well come on Beta shift is probably the best time to see it.  Busy
 enough to be interesting, but not so busy you get in the way."  B'Elanna spent the rest
 of the evening giving him the grand tour.  The following evenings continued in much
 the same way until one day neither Harry or B'Elanna were available and Chakotay
 kept him busy learning to do maintenance on the helm console.  Chakotay told Tom
 that Captain Janeway had ordered him to have people learn how to do basic
 maintenance on their station since they wouldn't be able to check into a starbase
 regularly.  Chakotay hadn't actually asked Janeway about that yet, but it was a good
 excuse to have Tom on the bridge. 
 
 5****************5
 
 Near the end of the two weeks a night arrived that everyone was busy.  The doctor had
 notified Lieutenant Paris that the autopsy report was finished and he had gone to
 Sickbay to read it.  This had several benefits for Janeway.  She was able to see the
 doctor, support Paris, and hear the autopsy report.
 
 "Lieutenant Paris, a layman doesn't have the vocabulary base necessary to read such a
 complicated document."  The doctor's voice was full of condescension and even scorn. 
 He was withholding a PADD from Paris as he argued with him.  
 
 "That's what you're here for, Doc.  I'll ask you if I have a question."  Paris was
 frustrated.  They had been arguing for some time.
 
 "Gentlemen,"  both men turned toward the voice and Paris' face showed relief.  The
 doctor just looked superior.
 
 "Captain, the doctor won't let me see Carly's autopsy report.  Basically, he says I'm too
 dumb to understand it."
 
 "Captain, I never used that word."  The doctor continued in his superior manner.
 
 "Give me the report, doctor.  Mr. Paris, join me."  They found a table in Sickbay and
 proceeded to read the autopsy with the Captain asking a minimum of technical
 questions.  The doctor was furious and obviously fuming on the other side of sickbay. 
 When they were finished, Janeway asked the doctor, "What is your summary?  I
 noticed you didn't include one in your report."  
 
 "It's a summary you want, is it?"  The doctor was angry and didn't care who knew it.
 
 "Doctor, I am certain you know who I am.  You will address me in a suitable tone of
 voice."  Paris was very glad he was not the recipient of the Captain's tone.  The doctor
 looked stunned.  It was several moments before he recovered. 
 
 "Very well, Captain."  This was the first civil vocalization Tom had heard out of him. 
 "There was nothing of note about her anatomy.  She died of third degree burns over
 57% of her body.  The third degree burns extended into her organs;  most notably her
 liver, stomach, and intestines.  There were lesser burns over another 15% of her body. 
 Mr. Paris said she lived for at least an hour after she was burned.  Why wasn't she
 taken to Sickbay?  It may have been possible to save her."  Guilt filled Paris at that
 statement.  The blood drained out of his face.
 
 The implications of the doctor's last statement for Mr. Paris didn't sink for Janeway
 until she looked at him, later.  "We called for a medic.  None ever came."
 
 "Medics are organized under the Chief Medical Officer."  The EMH informed.  "None
 were sent."
 
 Janeway looked over at Tom and finally realized what had been said and how he
 would take it.  "Lieutenant," she said crisply.  "This wasn't your fault."  She went over
 to him and said humbly, "I apologize for my negligence.  It was unconscionable.  I
 should have realized that the Sickbay would not run without someone in charge.  I'm
 sorry I have caused you so much pain."  Tom looked up into his Captain's face and
 saw the depth of her anguish and regret.  His heart went out to her. 
 
 "Thank you, Captain.  I think she would have died anyway and if she hadn't been on
 the bridge, I wouldn't have been able to say good bye."  This consoled Janeway
 somewhat and she squeezed him on the shoulder.
 
 She turned back to the doctor.  "Doctor was there anything else of note about the
 autopsy?"
 
 "No, everything else was in order."  He stated civilly.
 
 "Tom, tell the doctor what we noticed."
 
 "OK, the most outstanding thing we noticed was that everything was normal.  Even
 more than that, everything was textbook.  It was as if someone read Gray's Anatomy
 and built a person from it."
 
 "You're right, Mr. Paris, now that I think about it.  I'd like to apologize for doubting
 your intelligence."  Janeway and Paris exchanged a look with that one.  Maybe there
 was hope for the doctor.  He had just seen Janeway apologize to Paris with good
 results.
 
 "Mr. Paris, I haven't discussed this with you yet.  Chakotay and I think there is a
 possibility Carly Shoemaker was not what she appeared to be."
 
 "I've discussed the same possibility with Harry.  I don't have any idea what she might
 be.  I don't think there was anything evil or malicious about her.  Everyone she
 touched has been helped in one way or another.  Is there 
 any record of textbook results from autopsies in your data base, Doc?"
 
 "Yes, Lieutenant, there are, many in fact."  The Doc was interested now and actively
 participating.  "What other facts should I correlate?"
 
 Paris looked at Janeway.  "You knew better than anyone, Mr. Paris."
 
 "She wasn't well known by anyone.  She kept to herself.  She had a special interest in
 one person.  She was benevolent and intelligent and she seemed to have knowledge of
 the future.  Can you correlate any of those, Doc?"
 
 "In fact, I can.  Should I limit my group to humans only?"
 
 "Yes, for now, doctor," Janeway answered.
 
 "There are over 5 million instances of text book response autopsies that meet at least
 one factor you mentioned.  The most common thread is that the person had a recent,
 close relationship with someone.  That plus the beneficence of the being are close to a
 1 to 1 correspondence.  I should tell you that there is another factor.  In the same
 group having the 1 to 1 correspondence, the person the being was close to had an
 active, but chaste physical relationship in about 75% of the cases."
 
 Paris colored slightly at the last statement.  "That's one way to put it."  The Captain
 favored her young Lieutenant with a tolerant smile.  "Did they have any theories about
 what type of being they were?"
 
 "There seem to be a lot more questions than answers.  Mr. Paris, you are likely to have
 additional contact with her.  That is another common thread.  Perhaps several
 contacts."  The doctor concluded.
 
 "Thank you for your help, doctor."  Janeway started.  
 
 "Please turn off my program when you leave."
 
 "Close EMH program.  Mr. Paris, with me."  Janeway moved under full sail out of
 Sickbay.  
 
 Paris was surprised at the order to accompany Janeway. Abruptly the fact that he
 hadn't been alone for any of his off hours smacked him right in the face.  "Captain, is
 this a conspiracy?"
 
 "What are you talking about, Mr. Paris."  The Captain answered briskly.
 
 "I just noticed that I haven't been alone for more than a few minutes during Beta shift. 
 It was mostly Harry and B'Elanna, but Chakotay was in on it and now you."  He put in
 a belated, "Captain." 
 
 "Let's talk in my quarters."  They walked the remaining distance in silence.  Once in
 her quarters, Janeway offered Paris a seat.  "This little 'conspiracy' was B'Elanna's
 idea.  If you could think back to the night of the barn dance."  Paris nodded.  "You and
 she talked for a while and she realized how many new or otherwise stressful situations
 you were dealing with and that you were swiftly reaching the point of being
 completely overwhelmed.  She noted that thoughts of getting away from your
 difficulties were uppermost in your mind and you had even had thoughts of doing
 yourself harm."
 
 "Captain, I know that isn't an answer."  Paris protested.  "I would never have harmed
 myself."
 
 "B'Elanna didn't think you would either.  The point was that you needed friendly
 support and making sure you had company was a certain way to do that and cover the
 unlikely possibility that you would do harm to yourself.  You must admit your mental
 state is much improved over what it was just under two weeks ago."
 
 Yes, that's true."  Paris agreed.  "It's a good thing, too.  Ramsey's trial starts tomorrow. 
 From what I've heard, most of the off duty crew want to come and watch it."
 
 "That's what I hear as well."  Janeway said pondering.  "I had planned on using the
 holodeck.  That will only seat about twenty people in the gallery.  I had thought that
 the rest of the people would watch on the view screen in their quarters;  however, that
 idea is not popular.  Mr. Paris, how would you like to help me convert a cargo bay into
 a courtroom?"
 
 "Well, since you won't let me out of your sight," Tom quipped, "I might as well be
 useful!"
 
 Captain Janeway and Paris and the other members of the crew they recruited spent the
 next couple hours emptying and cleaning the cargo bay.  This meant that they had to
 find alternate storage areas for everything stored there and keep a record of were it
 went.  The Quartermaster, Lieutenant Samantha Bristol wasn't happy about the
 arrangement.  She adapted well when she realized Captain Janeway would not be
 deterred.  
 
 The next challenge was finding and arranging suitable furniture.  Janeway thought
 more than once that she hoped that those in the gallery appreciated what they were
 doing.  The holodeck would have been much simpler!  Paris had slipped easily into
 the role of foreman.  Even though he was unfamiliar with many of the resources on
 Voyager, he seemed able to find what he needed by asking.
 
 Everything was finished and ready to go for the next day by 2200.  At some point
 during the evening Janeway had contacted Chakotay and thanked him for his work on
 the holodeck, and told him the courtroom was going to be in cargo bay three. 
 Chakotay agreed easily enough and said, "I had finished all the planning for the
 courtroom, but had not done any of the physical work in case something like this
 happened."
 
 Finished with a moderately challenging project and satisfied with the results, Paris and
 Janeway chatted amicably as the Captain escorted Tom back to his cabin.  "Captain,
 how much longer do I have my hand held?"
 
 "The original plan was for this to end tomorrow.  You seem to be in good spirits and
 on top of things."  Janeway changed from the brisk Captain to someone tender and
 affectionate.  "Will you be strong and humble enough to let us know if you need some
 support?"
 
 "Do I have to be honest?"  Tom glanced only briefly at the look that answer garnered
 not wanting to feel the reprimand within it.  "I don't know if I can. . .To be honest, I
 know I won't be able to commit to that.  I'm sorry, Captain, trust comes hard.  I'm
 almost as afraid of trusting as being trusted."
 
 "Thank you for your honesty, Mr. Paris," Janeway spoke solemnly.  "That in itself
 takes a good measure of courage and trust.  I think you need to have more room,
 surely.  How about checking in with someone for an hour at about 2000 so that person
 can see how you are doing."  Janeway suggested. 
 
 Paris shrugged noncommittally.  Janeway sensed he was fighting some negative
 emotions and probed deeper.
 
 "How do you feel about being chaperoned like this?"  She watched a kaleidoscope of
 emotions play over Paris' face as he thought about how he felt.  It took quite a while
 before Tom had them organized in his mind enough to comment on them.
 
 They had been talking outside Paris' quarters and he asked the Captain if she would
 like to come in.  He felt exposed talking to Janeway in the corridor.  "Wait, let me
 made sure Harry isn't here."  Tom went in and his quarters were empty.  "Please come
 in."
 
 "My feelings are complex and conflicting.  I'm touched that someone cares enough
 about humanity to care for me this much.  No one on this ship can know me that well. 
 I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself that I need it.  Oddly, it takes some
 pressure off of me for being responsible for myself;  it gives me a failsafe.  I'm not
 working without a net yet."  He thought a little more and hesitated before continuing. 
 "I have some resentment, too."
 
 "I want to know how you resent what we did."
 
 "I knew you would.  I know you did it with my best interest at heart.  After all you've
 done for me, I should be grateful."  Paris was becoming more agitated and angry by
 the minute.  
 
 Janeway saw all the positives of the evening, and there were many, falling away and
 she had no idea how to salvage them.  She wondered idly what Carly would have done
 if he had done this with her.  Unexpectedly, she knew what to do, "Say it, Mr. Paris. 
 Permission to speak freely."
 
 His words came out in a rush tumbling over each other.  He jumped to his feet and
 paced the length of his quarters, gesturing expansively for emphasis.  After the initial
 rush of words which made no sense to Captain Janeway, he spoke of his time in prison
 and the many indignities and insults he had endured.  Withstood often because of
 whose son he was and the type of offences he had committed.  And, oddly enough,
 because he had been in Starfleet.  That was a special pain.  Nothing could have
 punished Tom Paris more severely than to turn him out of Starfleet and away from
 flying.  That was why he had to join the Maquis.  That was the only place he could fly. 
 
 
 Here he took a breath and began a long process of calming down.  He wasn't done
 talking by any means and Captain Janeway simply sat with her legs crossed and hands
 folded in her lap listening and watching his every move.  She was fascinated by this
 young Lieutenant.  He was more complex than any man she had ever known.
 
 Tom Paris talked about their meeting in the prison and how he had been purposefully
 abrasive and challenging to see if she really wanted him to come.  How he had found
 Kim and rescued him from a Ferengi merchant.  He related fending off insults at
 almost every destination on the ship and the latest that he remembered at the barn
 dance.  He had been stunned by being granted a field commission and his
 determination to succeed at all costs.  The devastation and frustration he had felt with
 the problems Ramsey caused at the helm and now the fear that he would not confess.
 
 At last he came to the subject his Captain had asked him about and he was able to sit
 down and look her in the eye.  "My resentment is because of me, not because of
 anything you have done.  I resent my weaknesses, my lack of control.  I despise the
 dishonesty I have allowed and still allow in my dealings with people.  My surliness is
 simply an inability to tell the truth.  I wonder if I can make any lasting change this late
 in life.  I learned to act this way in my childhood and adolescence with my father.  If
 one cannot govern oneself, one must be governed.  He always used to say that.  This is
 one thing he taught me, I believe is true.  If I were able to be trusted to act in my own
 best interest, you would do it."
 
 Janeway sat and contemplated all that had been said and the young man before her. 
 Her gut told her she had to comment on what he had said, but she didn't have a clue
 about what to say.  He looked good.  He looked like a man who knew what his
 demons were and was squaring off to fight them.  A strange impulse came to Janeway. 
 She stood.  "Mr. Paris, stand up," she ordered.  "Step out here and stand at attention." 
 She walked around him as if she were a drill sergeant.  To his credit he didn't move. 
 "Lieutenant, tell me something you do right."
 
 "I can fly, Captain."
 
 "Something else."     "I can learn, Captain."
 
 "Again, something else."  "I can be a good friend."
 
 "Something else."   "I can adapt to new situations, Captain."
 
 "Continue."    "I am grateful."
 
 Captain Janeway continued to quiz him until he said, "I can get dressed in the
 morning."
 
 "I think you are also a very quick thinker!  At ease, Lieutenant.  Have a seat if you
 wish."  Janeway sat down herself and continued.  "You went on for quite a while and I
 hadn't caught you up yet.  You also didn't repeat anything.  I hope my point is made. 
 You have faults.  Everyone does.  They should not be a whip you beat yourself with. 
 Tearing yourself down just makes it more difficult to overcome problems.  I wish we
 had a counselor on this ship.  A counselor would help you to see how even our faults
 can be used to strengthen us.
 
 "Mr. Paris, I did not sanction a 'watch' on you because you were not able to govern
 yourself.  I did it because the waves of your life hit you all at the same time.  I couldn't
 abide having those waves crash upon you and overwhelm you without trying to get a
 life preserver to you."
 
 Tom was finished he couldn't stand one more caring word.  How could anyone care
 about him this much.  "Thank you, Captain.  I hope the permission to speak freely is
 still in force.  I've had enough introspection and soul searching for one night.  I'm
 kicking you out."  His voice caught, his effort at brusqueness thwarted.  "Thank you,
 for everything."  He led the way to the door. 
 
 For the Captain it just didn't seem finished.  She took his hand in a handshake and
 looked up into his face.  "Your doing fine, Lieutenant.  Keep up the good work."  She
 was out the door.
 
 After Captain Janeway left, Tom stood just inside the door, pensive.  Captain Janeway
 tells the truth.  Try to believe it.  The voice in his head kept mocking him.  You're not
 really any good.  She'll turn on you.  She's just setting you up to fall.  Just then Kim
 came in.
 
 "Hi, Tom, heard you were busy tonight."
 
 "Yea, we put the courtroom together for tomorrow.  I spent the whole evening with
 Captain Janeway because B'Elanna, Chakotay and you were busy."
 
 "Oh, you found out about that.  Are you OK with it?"
 
 "I think so.  What I'm having trouble with is myself.  Four people spending so much
 time with me.  It's all I can do to keep from shouting in your faces.  No, I'm not good. 
 I'm a failure, I'm a jerk.  That's what I believe, Harry.  I try not to, but that's what I
 believe."
 
 Kim had been watching from about ten feet away.  "I'm sorry, I can't imagine what
 that is like.  I have never felt that way.  It must be unspeakably dire.  All I can say is to
 remind yourself of something you do well and do your best to think positively when
 these other thoughts intrude."  Kim's tone changed abruptly.  "Part of your problem is
 that it's past little Tommy's bed time.  He's getting grumpy."
 
 "I'll little Tommy you."  Tom grabbed up a pillow from the sofa and chased Harry into
 the bedroom where a lively pillow fight erupted until a neighbor objected.  "Thanks,
 Harry.  I needed that."
 
 Harry punched him on the arm and said, "Good night, Tom."
 
 6****************6
 
 The next day and for the remainder of Ramsey's trial,  most of the senior officers
 would be off regular duty.  That caused a major scheduling nightmare.  It finally got
 resolved mostly through the senior officers pulling double shifts and standing Beta
 shift instead of Alpha when they were in the trial.  The trial was scheduled for 0900 to
 1500 five days a week until it was finished.  Janeway thought it would take five or six
 days.
 
 Mr. Ramsey and Commander Chakotay sat at one table.  They were deep in discussion
 and Ramsey kept gesturing in the direction of Tom Paris.  Mr. Paris sat quietly, alone
 and passive with his thoughts.  Lieutenant Tuvok had not arrived in the courtroom as
 yet.  The gallery seats were already full and had been for 15 minutes.  People were
 still shuffling in to stand in the back.  In front was a 6' long dark 'wood' table that
 would serve as the judges bench for Captain Janeway.  The table was complete with a
 PADD for the Captain to take notes on and the traditional gavel of the magistrate. 
 The computer would take the official record of the proceedings.  There was also a
 place for the recorder/bailiff though that position was largely ceremonial.  In addition
 there were several cameras placed strategically in the room to pick up the 'action' in
 the room as necessary.  Three matching chairs awaited occupancy.  One for Janeway
 and a chair on the right side of the bench as one would face it for the witness chair
 and one for the recorder/bailiff on the left side.  Someone had thought the gunmetal
 gray walls too plain and had added large coils of heavy rope in the center of the wall
 and other relics of the age of the masted sailing ship for atmosphere.
 
 Minutes before 0900 Lieutenant Tuvok entered and took his place.  At precisely 0900
 Captain Janeway entered resplendent in her dress uniform.  All present respectfully
 rose.  The Captain called the courtroom to order and proceeded with all of the details
 that must be covered in order for the court-martial to be official.  These finished she
 asked for any motions and seeing none instructed Lieutenant Tuvok to begin.  The
 presentation of the prosecution's evidence took all of the first day and until 1100 the
 next day.  Due to the nearness of the lunch break, the Captain opted to recess then and
 call court back into session at 1300.  This also would help to eliminate a problem that
 had occurred in the mess hall.  Everyone had wanted lunch at the same time and had
 caused quite a commotion.
 
 Most of the courtroom had cleared out quickly.  Lieutenants Tuvok and Paris had
 remained to discuss a point or two about the case Chakotay would present in defense
 of Ramsey.  Tuvok left after he had finished.  Paris rose slowly and drifted more than
 really walked toward the door.  Ramsey was still seated since one of the security men
 responsible for him had needed leave for a minute and he had to be accompanied by
 two guards.
 
 Paris had just reached the middle of the wall by the ropes when the room was rocked
 by a terrific explosion leaving a gaping hole open to space.  The following events took
 place in less than 45 seconds.  The decompression caused everything in the room to
 slide toward the hole.  Ramsey, startled by the explosion did what was probably the
 worst thing he possibly could have done.  He jumped out of his chair.  The security
 guard dove for the floor and Paris grabbed the rope that was attached to the  wall. 
 Paris' attention was also drawn by Ramsey's shout and he looked in his direction and
 realized if he didn't act fast Ramsey would slide out the hole.  Paris swiftly tied the
 rope around him and yanked on it hard to make sure it was firm to the wall.  He
 allowed himself to be drawn toward the hole to Ramsey.  Ramsey was wide eyed and
 desperately trying to cling to the deck, almost half way out of the hole.  Both men
 knew that within seconds the emergency force fields would come on and would sever
 anything in their path.  Paris maneuvered his legs so that Ramsey could grab them and
 as soon as Ramsey had grabbed hold started working his way up the rope, hand over
 hand.  Since he was working hard and had not been prepared to hold his breath Paris
 was nearly unconscious.  He knew if he lost consciousness his body would try to
 breathe and his lungs would be damaged.  He managed to save Ramsey.  He also
 managed to keep him from loosing any body parts to the force field.  He did not win
 his battle with unconsciousness and while Ramsey came out virtually unscathed, Paris
 received serious injuries to his lungs and was in Sickbay.
 
 Due to needed repairs to the courtroom, trial was postponed indefinitely.  The ever
 unreliable plasma conduit had ruptured with the preceding results.  Paris was the only
 person injured seriously.  An anxious visitor had received permission to wait in
 Sickbay for him to regain consciousness.  The visitor had two ever present guards.
 
 By and by Paris groaned and moved.  The doctor moved in to check him as he awoke
 and was satisfied with what he saw.  Paris had had two of four treatments on his lungs. 
 He was breathing with the assistance of Tri-ox compound.  He still couldn't get much
 air in or out of his lungs.
 
 "Oh, Doc, my chest hurts."
 
 "Well, Mr. Paris I should think it would after having tried to breath a relative
 vacuum."  The doctor crisply stated.
 
 "Ramsey," Paris jerked upward.  "Is Ramsey OK?"
 
 "Lay down."  The doctor ordered.  "Yes, he is and is in much better shape than you
 are.  He wants to talk to you."  Paris nodded.  
 
 "Tom, I don't know how I can thank you.  You saved my life."  He took Tom's hand. 
 "Thank you.  I'll do anything."
 
 "You mean that, Ramsey?  You'll do anything?  I know what I want you to do."  Tom's
 voice was whispery and his words came in gasps.  He scrutinized Ramsey when he
 finished.  "Do I have to tell you what it is?"
 
 "No."  Ramsey started to perspire and paled noticeably.  He turned to one of the
 guards and asked him to call Commander Chakotay to Sickbay.  Chakotay arrived in
 minutes and Ramsey said, "Commander, I would like to make a statement.  It needs to
 be recorded and I would like to make it here so that Lieutenant Paris can hear it."
 
 "Very well,"  Chakotay arranged for the requisite records and told Ramsey he could
 begin.
 
 "I am Lieutenant Larry Ramsey.  I am making this statement of my own free will and
 have not been coerced in any manner.  I admit full culpability for the following
 actions.  I lied about the helm station being left unsecured on stardate 48317.6.  It was
 secured when I found it and Mr. Paris had left it correctly.  I also admit full culpability
 for the supposedly botched diagnostic.  I programmed a series of commands into the
 board so that when I pressed a specific button, the helm would appear scrambled.  
 
 The unresponsive helm with anomalous lights was done in a similar manner except I
 was inputting commands while it was happening and I stopped when the Captain took
 the helm.  I had rigged an audio input from my quarters to the bridge.  I scrambled the
 navigational sensor arrays by alternatively feeding false data and the true data they
 were receiving from space causing an overload.  
 
 The last time that I tried to sabotage the helm was the one you caught me with the
 failsafe and alarm.  Your failsafe brought me to the bridge as you had planned and
 when I pressed the button that was supposed to disengage the alarm, it was set off
 instead.  
 
 My motives were selfish, I wanted to be the Chief Helm Officer and felt that I
 deserved it over Mr. Paris.  His selfless actions on my behalf have shown me, among
 other things, he's a much better man than I am.  Do I need to say anything else,
 Commander?
 
 Chakotay shook his head and disengaged the computer recording.  He spoke briefly,
 "You've done the right thing, Lieutenant.  I know it was difficult."
 
 Ramsey came back over to Tom Paris' bedside, but it was Tom who spoke first. 
 "Thank you.  You can't know how much this means to me.  I have a real chance on
 this ship now."
 
 "Tom, I don't know how I'll be punished.  I don't even know if I'll be permitted to
 return to the helm."   I want you to know that I would be honored to serve under you at
 anytime, if you'll have me."
 
 "Someone reminded me once that we all make mistakes.  All you can do now is go on,
 Larry.  If I may say so, you made a few whoppers.  They weren't nearly as big as mine
 were and they won't take as long to overcome if you don't slide backwards and make
 more mistakes.  I don't know what will happen to you, either.  I do know Captain
 Janeway is fair even kind when the circumstances warrant it.  I also know she can be
 as tough as nails when they don't.  Above all be honest with her and begin to rebuild
 the trust you have lost.  Count on what ever penalties you are given to stress you
 perhaps beyond what you feel you can endure.  If that should happen come talk to me,
 I've been there."  Through the last sentence Paris had started to cough, first a little and
 progressively more until he could barely finish the sentence.  This swiftly brought the
 doctor.
 
 "Mr. Paris, I have been permissive because of the extraordinary circumstances
 surrounding your case.  I must insist that you cease talking and rest.  I'll enforce it with
 a hypospray, if necessary."  Paris shook his head and waved good bye to Larry.  "The
 next lung treatment will ease your breathing.  I will administer that in approximately
 58 minutes.  I suggest you rest, sleep if you can."  Paris nodded and since he was tired
 composed himself for a nap.
 
 A few minutes past and Tom noticed a quiet presence by his bed and opened his eyes. 
 He almost said something, but the Captain put a finger to her lips.  She whispered,
 "I'm not supposed to be here,  I wanted to tell you congratulations for getting Ramsey
 to confess.  I'm going to give you a commendation for bravery above and beyond the
 call of duty while saving another's life at peril to your own.  Now rest, we'll talk more
 when you can.  With that she slipped out.
 
 Tom was in Sickbay overnight.  He was released to his quarters and instructed to rest. 
 He intended to obey doctors orders;  however, he found it difficult because of a steady
 stream of people who dropped by.  Some offered apologies for prejudging him and
 believing the worst and some came by to thank him for his quick thinking in saving
 Ramsey.  The visits stopped only when he was called to the courtroom cargo bay by
 the Captain.  
 
 The Captain was in the cargo bay when Paris arrived and called him over to the wall
 the rope had hung when he had rescued Ramsey.  "Mr. Paris, could you tell me again
 what you did when you rescued Mr. Ramsey?"
 
 "I was standing near the large coil of rope."  Paris started willingly.  "I took a couple
 loops down while holding on with the other hand and tied it around my waist.  I took
 down the amount of rope I thought I'd need to reach Ramsey and pulled hard on it.  I
 let myself be pulled out toward Ramsey until he could grab my legs.  I pulled myself
 up the rope hand over hand as hard as I could to get him up before the force fields
 activated.  I must have passed out.  Next, I remember Sickbay.
 
 "Let me be clear on one point.  The rope was stuck firmly to the wall.  You tested it."
 
 "Yes, Captain,"  
 
 "Tom, look at the coil of rope now,"  Janeway instructed.  "Pull on it."
 
 Tom gave it a sharp pull like he had the day he rescued Ramsey and it came flying off
 the wall, almost hitting Captain Janeway.  "Sorry, Captain."  
 
 Janeway waved it off.  "Lieutenant Tuvok did the same thing."
 
 "Captain, I'm not lying to you, I did what I said I did."
 
 "I believe you, Mr. Paris.  Your act was caught on two of the cameras in the court
 room.  There were at least two other coincidences that are hard to explain.  Mr.
 Ramsey completely forgot his decompression drills and was breathing normally the
 whole time.  He suffered no injury or distress.  The security guard obeyed the drill and
 he is also fine.  The force field would not activate until the barest second after
 Ramsey was clear.  Even this Mr. Paris, you were injured while saving 'an enemy'
 which has served to endear you to many of the crew who had previously thought less
 well of you.  You will recover from this injury with no aftereffects.  Do these have the
 mark of anyone you know?"
 
 "Carly?"
 
 "I was thinking of Carly."  Janeway agreed.
     
 As Janeway said 'Carly' an excruciatingly sharp spear of grief lanced through him.  It
 felt almost physical in nature and he sat down heavily on a chair.
 
 "Lieutenant, are you alright?"  Janeway asked concerned.
 
 "Physically, I'm fine.  It's going to take me a while to get over Carly.  I don't care what
 she was.  I loved her more than I've loved anyone."
 
 "Let me walk you back to your quarters.  Do you want some company?  I could get
 B'Elanna or Harry."  
 
 "I've had plenty of company this morning.  I think 15 people visited either to apologize
 or offer their support.  I've gone from famine to feast.  What I'd really like to do is rest
 and think.  Maybe I'll do something radical like sleep!
 
 "Sleep!  Don't get too radical on me," Janeway said joking along with him.  They
 arrived at Paris' quarters and he set the privacy lock and went inside.  "Good rest, Mr.
 Paris."
 
 As Paris went inside he had the distinct feeling someone was there.  He called for
 Harry and he wasn't there so he shrugged it off for a while.  He tried to lay down to
 sleep but the feeling persisted until he was compelled to look through his entire
 quarters to make sure he was alone.  After he had searched his quarters, the feeling
 dissipated somewhat and he was able to fall asleep.
 
 7****************7
 
 As he slept he dreamt.  A tranquil, peaceful dream of his childhood when one summer
 he had taken an extended visit with one of his mother's brothers who lived in an old
 fashion community in the Rocky Mountains.  He had been eight and had spent the
 time running free, swimming, chasing frogs, fishing, and enjoying the neighborhood
 children.  He hadn't known it then, but he had also met Carly.  On one of those idyllic
 days, they had gone swimming in the creek.  Tom had dived down into the deepest
 pool in the creek to see if he could touch the bottom.  A very brave and daring action
 for an eight year old.  On his way up, his trunks caught a sunken branch.  His struggles
 only served to make the hold more fast.  He was beginning to black out when they
 came free.  He was able to struggle to the surface and out of the creek coughing and
 sputtering, alarming the other children.  From here the scene changed to several
 incidents when Tom was saved from serious injury or death by a coincidence or quirk
 of fate.  Always this was Carly.  
 
 Carly had limits she could not pass and as THE time came she was quieter, sadder,
 and kept more to herself.  Her mind was ever on Tom.  Even though she knew they
 wouldn't work, she tried her old methods.  Do the right thing, own up to it she pled. 
 Her efforts were to no avail.  After he had lied about it, she could not touch him at all. 
 She had to withdraw her presence completely.  He was completely alone for the first
 time since he was eight years old.  Carly could only touch him again when he started
 to do the right things and correct the wrong.  Carly's absence caused him to become
 increasingly surly and to turn further and further from the direction he should be
 going.  All this because of a choice that was close to the worst of all.  The denial of
 responsibility where human life had ended.
 
 Carly was close to despair herself at that moment she realized the way to help.  She
 would influence him to own up to his actions.  He would have to have the character to
 do it.  Carly could not change the sum and substance of a person.  But, she knew he
 had that character, life had temporarily made him forget how precious it was and how
 to exercise it.  
 
 It involved doing something that caused Carly to grow in what she was.  The thought
 she had was so radical, she consulted her mentor for the first time in uncounted years. 
 Carly herself was at a crucial juncture in her life.  Her mentor was uncharacteristically
 vague.  She had to decide for herself how to deal with Tom.  This caused Carly to
 hesitate almost too long.  Her kind alleviates pain.  They do not cause it.  The remedy
 for Tom involved causing or rather hastening pain.  The remedy came in the form of
 the spirits of the three officers that had been killed in the accident Tom caused.  The
 scheme was not completely successful.  Carly could only touch him occasionally. 
 Carly had been unable to provide sufficient nurturing afterward.  He still ran away. 
 This time to the Maquis.  Carly realized this might also serve.  Carly caused him to
 have engine trouble and be caught on his first mission and be sent to prison.  Prison
 was hard on Tom, but he was intelligent enough to realize he would get out sooner if
 he obeyed the rules.   
 
 Carly tweaked Captain Janeway's mind to consider having an exStarfleet convict who
 was the son of an Admiral she knew accompany her ship on a mission to the
 Badlands.  Tom Paris had ended up where he needed to be.  Now to seal the
 relationship.  Wait.  Here was something unforeseen.  Someone else was attacking
 Tom.  This was easily corrected.  A little modification of the room and atmosphere
 and Tom's problems were on their way to being over.  
 
 The 'essence' that truly was Carly touched his mind to impart the knowledge of her
 benevolent meddling.  She expressed sorrow that some of it had caused pain
 explaining that good choices bring joy.  Poor choices always bring pain eventually,
 though not always right away.  Carly had hastened the pain to help him.  He needed to
 be on Voyager for important reasons.  As she finished the intact unity of her essence
 settled on top of Tom and 'permeated' every part of Tom.  This was to heal the hurt
 where the withdrawal of her physical body from his presence had left wounds that
 would not heal another way for a long time.  Carly then gently withdrew all but the
 memory of the 'dream' and the tiniest drop of what she was so that he would know she
 loved him.
 
 Tom woke as Carly left.  The full knowledge of Carly's communication was clear in
 his mind as it would always stay.  Carly couldn't and didn't promise life without
 struggle.  Tom would have to struggle hard to change out of the groves made by the
 choices already made.  
 
 For the first time in his life he understood where he had gone wrong and how to
 correct it.  This knowledge would not always stay clear in his mind.  His progress
 would falter temporarily when he forgot it.  Carly had helped him to build a base of
 friends who would assist his way on the path.  Captain Janeway was particularly
 important.  He would return the favor by saving her life several times.
 
 Tom lay for a long time pondering the revelations Carly had given him.  He felt that
 even though he had made serious mistakes in his life, he must be basically OK
 because Carly had come to help him.  He could now explain Carly.  
 
 Tom's mind drifted to Ramsey.  How would he deal with him if he were Captain
 Janeway?  He knew what he wouldn't do.  He wouldn't lock him up in the brig.  That
 didn't make any sence at all.  His quarters?  Perhaps for a time but not 24 hours a day. 
 He would need to have some duty to perform.  I would want him to read or otherwise
 communicate to the entire crew that he had caused the helm problems not me.  I
 would also like to have a public apology.  Paris wondered for a moment if that were
 selfish of him and then couldn't decide.  Would he be able to go back on helm?  He
 didn't think so, at least not right away.  I don't think he would be kicked out of
 Starfleet, but it is possible he would be since he did try to cover it up and the crime
 was premeditated and designed to injure someone.
 
 Tom fell asleep again only to be awakened by an impatient doctor asking,  "Mr. Paris,
 what are you doing and why aren't you in Sickbay!"
 
 "Doc, you woke me up out of a sound sleep!  I'm in my quarters!"  Paris snapped back. 
 "Why in the world should I be in Sick bay?"
 
 "Lieutenant, you were scheduled for a check up.  Fifteen minutes ago."
 
 "I'll be right there."  Tom was still yawning when he walked into Sickbay.  He
 received a clean bill of health and authorization to return to duty the following day. 
 Tom called Commander Chakotay.
 
 "Chakotay."
 
 "Commander, I've been given a clean bill of health and I'm cleared to resume my
 duties."
 
 "Good, Mr. Paris.  Mr. Ramsey's trial will resume tomorrow morning in holodeck two. 
 You are requested there at 0900."
 
 "Yes sir, thank you, Commander."
 
 ****************
 
 Lieutenant Paris arrived at the courtroom in holodeck two early in order to watch the
 other officers involved in the proceeding arrive.  The gallery had been limited to one
 person selected as representative from all of the various departments of the ship. 
 Ensign Mabouto had been selected from the helm staff.  She was in her seat looking
 solemn. She flashed Lieutenant Paris a brilliant smile and nodded as he caught sight
 of her.  
 
 Lieutenant Ramsey was escorted into the room by two security guards.  He looked
 trapped and pale.  For an instant Paris wondered if he had changed his mind.  Ramsey
 put that thought to rest by seeking Paris out and reaffirming his intention with a
 thumbs up.  Paris' mind ranged back to that day an eon ago when he sat in a similar
 though more serious position.  He had know he had to go though with it.  He was
 scared to death what would happen to him if he did.  He hoped Ramsey's friends
 would stand by him to facilitate his reformation.  Paris' friends had deserted him as if
 her were a leper of ancient times.  He decided that regardless of what anyone did, he
 would become Ramsey's friend.
 
 Lieutenant Tuvok came in next and advised Paris of the order of the proceedings.  By
 the time Tuvok had finished Commander Chakotay had entered and was deep in
 discussion with his client.  The commander appeared to be reassuring Ramsey on a
 couple points.  Ramsey bowed his head and shook it and Chakotay grasped his
 shoulder in support.  Neither man looked eager to face the ordeal in front of them in
 the court-martial.  Only minutes remained before Captain Janeway would enter and
 the day's proceedings would start.
 
 Precisely on time, the Captain entered and the gallery and participants rose in respect. 
 Commander Chakotay stood and announced, "My client wishes to change his plea to
 guilty on all counts.  He desires to accept full culpability and responsibility for having
 committed the referred to actions and further wishes to give himself over to the mercy
 of the court for sentencing.  He has no desire to give excuse or extenuating
 circumstance for any of his actions."  The Commander sat down.
 
 Captain Janeway addressed Ramsey.  "Lieutenant Ramsey," he stood.  "Do you
 understand exactly what Commander Chakotay just said?"
 
 "Yes ma'am."
 
 "Did you give him instructions to make this motion in court on your behalf?"
 
 "Yes, ma'am."
 
 "You maybe seated."
 
 "Commander, are you prepared for the sentencing portion of the court-martial."
 
 "Yes ma'am.  My client stands on the preceding statement."
 
 "Mr. Tuvok, would you like to present mitigating circumstances?"
 
 "Yes, we would.  I would like to call Lieutenant Paris to the stand."  He and Tuvok
 had discussed this, but that didn't stop his heart from beating nearly out of his chest. 
 Paris rose and made his way to the stand.
 
 Tuvok followed him up.  "Lieutenant Paris, what is your position on Voyager?"
 
 "I serve as Chief Helm Officer."
 
 "How long have you served in this capacity?"
 
 "Approximately three weeks."
 
 "What were the circumstances surrounding your appointment to this post."
 
 "Captain Janeway approached me while I was in prison to serve as an observer on
 Voyager in order to locate her Chief Security Officer Lieutenant Tuvok, you, sir.  The
 situation became unstable when Voyager was moved into the Delta Quadrant, by the
 Caretaker.  Several officers and crew were killed including the Chief Helm Officer
 and we were thrust into the present situation.  The Captain granted me a field
 commission as a Lieutenant Junior Grade.  I cannot speak for the Captain as to her
 specific reasons for selecting me over one of her established officers to serve as Chief
 Helm Officer."
 
 "Lieutenant in your tenure as Chief Helm Officer have you had an opportunity to
 review Lieutenant Ramsey's service record?"
 
 "I have had a limited opportunity to do that."
 
 "What was your evaluation of those records?"
 
 "From what I saw of his records, they were good.  He had been passed over for
 promotion to Chief Helm Officer on the Excelsior.  No reason was given for that
 decision in the record I saw.  This time on Voyager was the second time he had been
 passed over.  Some of his records were sealed and I have not asked permission to see
 those."
 
 "What is your evaluation of Mr. Ramsey's performance at helm?"
 
 "He is a competent helmsman." 
 
 "Did you and Mr. Ramsey ever have any discussion about his feelings about your
 selection as Chief Helm Officer?"
 
 "Yes sir, we did.  He felt that I had been chosen unfairly especially in light of my
 history."
 
 "Do you have further comment about this, Mr. Paris?"
 
 "Yes sir.  I would like to ask the court to grant consideration in sentencing due to the
 severity of the mistakes I have made.  That I was even made an officer might seem
 extraordinary to some.  Let alone Chief Helm Officer."
 
 "The court has a clarification, Mr. Paris.  You are suggesting the court be lenient to
 Mr. Ramsey because of mistakes you made in your past?"
 
 "Yes ma'am."
 
 "The court would appreciate elucidation of this point.
 
 "Captain, I was trying to understand why Mr. Ramsey would be so angry about having
 me given a position over him.  I put myself in his place and realized I would be upset
 if our positions were reversed.  I hope I wouldn't have performed the same sabotage.  I
 think I would have been quite vocal about it."
 
 "That will be all, Lieutenant.  Thank you."  
 
 Paris and Tuvok returned to their seats and Tuvok said, "I have no other witnesses."
 
 "We will take a short break while sentencing is finalized.  Commander Chakotay and
 Lieutenant Tuvok, please come with me."
 
 The three officers conferred for about 15 minutes.  The two counsel returning to their
 seats signaled the time for the final stage of the court-martial.
 
 Captain Janeway resumed her seat and an anticipatory hush fell over the room. 
 Janeway gave one last perusal to the official record and handed the PADD to the
 bailiff.  "Lieutenant Ramsey, please rise.  Lieutenant, it is the desire of this court to
 detail for all concerned the thinking that has backed up this sentence.  First of all your
 actions were premeditated and had the motive to injure a fellow officer.  There were
 five such actions.  They did cause mental, emotional, and physical harm to Mr. Paris
 most directly, but to other members of this crew as well.  Some of the tampering
 could have resulted in injury or death had they coincided with an emergency.  I
 remind you we are in uncharted space.  We don't know what is coming next."  
 
 "The next most important issue is that of trust.  Honesty and trust.  It is imperative that
 when an officer talks to another they can count on it being the best information each
 officer has.  Command codes were misused.  This offence alone has been sufficient to
 have officers discharged.  It is very serious and you are charged with five counts of
 this.  The last area is relatively minor compared with the previous ones.  That is
 malicious tampering with Starfleet property.  Any penalty connected with this charge
 will run concurrent with another penalty.  The court considered Mr. Paris' plea and
 understands that he has not seen your record.  You know it and know the implications. 
 The court chooses not to make this record public knowledge.  Mr. Ramsey should you
 wish to discuss this further with me please notify me."  
 
 "If there are no questions or motions, I will proceed with the sentencing."  The
 Captain paused to give time for any action.  Lieutenant Lawrence Ramsey, it is the
 judgement of this court-martial you are guilty of all charges enumerated in this
 proceeding.  It is also the judgement of this court-martial with advice from both
 counsel that the following penalties be served.  A full verbal and written apology
 given in person to Mr. Paris and all bridge crew on Alpha and Beta shifts and any
 other crew members who were on the bridge at the time of the tampering.  A verbal
 apology will be made one week from today at 0900 to the entire crew with written
 copy available if so desired.  You are relieved of the helm indefinitely, perhaps
 permanently.  You are reassigned to the computer section.  You obviously have skill
 in that area."  
 
 "The brig is not a humane place for long term confinement.  You were kept there
 before and during the trial because your obvious skill in computers made it impossible
 to confine you anywhere else.  Should tampering be evident from your quarters.  You
 will be confined in the brig.  This is the first area of trust we are giving you, effective
 immediately.  You will be confined to your quarters with a flexible term dependent
 upon the way you reform yourself.  The minimum term is three months.  You will be
 required to be in your quarters within 15 minutes either side of your shift or when
 required for emergency situations.  You will have private quarters and be allowed one
 visitor at a time.  Compliance with these rules, attitude, job adjustment and any other
 factor that becomes significant will be taken into consideration when determining the
 length of your confinement.  The first month you will be locked in the quarters after
 that, depending upon a satisfactory adjustment, they will be unlocked.  A probationary
 period of one year will follow the last day of confinement to quarters where possible
 reconfinement to quarters may follow any deviation from exemplary behavior. 
 Should you require confinement during probation, the probationary period will reset
 to one year after the last date of additional confinement."
 
 "Finally, you will be reduced in rank to Ensign and placed at the bottom of the
 promotion list.  Were we home, chances are you would simply be mustered out of
 Starfleet.  That is not an option now, thus, the complicated sentence."
 
 "Commander Chakotay will be in charge of administering your sentence and will
 consult with me should questions arise.  Mr. Ramsey, I challenge you to work within
 the system and regain the trust you have lost.  Oddly enough, you seem to have an
 advocate in Lieutenant Paris.  Seek him out.  He has had some experience in turning
 his life around."
 
 "This sentence is effective as of now.  Commander Chakotay will meet you in your
 quarters as soon as is feasible.  Security, please escort Mr. Ramsey to his quarters."
 
 ****************
 
 Mr. Ramsey kept his eyes on the deck on the way to his new quarters.  He couldn't
 stand to see whatever he would see whether it was scorn, forgiveness, compassion,
 hatred, or disdain.  Security opened the door and Ramsey walked in.  The sound of the
 lock engaging made him cringe.  His new Ensign pips were conspicuously exhibited at
 the center of his desk.  He didn't think it would get any easier if he waited so he
 removed his Lieutenant pips.  It took him a moment and grim resolution before he
 could replace them with the others.  He looked around and noticed all of his
 belongings had already been transferred to these quarters.  Someone had taken care in
 doing so.  These quarters were set up identically to his previous ones except for his
 roommate's effects.
 
 He jumped when the chime on his door rang.  "Come in."
 
 "Hello, Larry."  It was Tom Paris.  
 
 Ramsey wasn't sure if he wanted to see him.  He was too shamed.  He turned away and
 tears sprang to his eyes.  "Look, Tom, I don't think I can talk to you now."
 
 "I think I can relate.  You've just been totally humiliated in front of your entire world. 
 You are completely embarrassed, shamed, dishonored, and mortified.  You don't know
 how you can stand it.  That will last a while then I'll bet you'll get resentful and angry. 
 That's why I'm here.  If I can I want to spare you that stage.  I talked to several inmates
 about it and that is the emotional pattern all of them followed.  That's when I went to
 the Maquis."
 
 "Why do you care about me, Tom?"  Ramsey said as he turned toward him.
 
 "That's a good question.  The day we caught you I almost went after you to pound you
 into the ground.  The Captain stopped me.  I'm certain I'm the only person who has
 had time in prison on Voyager.  Believe it or not the brig is better than prison.  It is a
 whole different experience dealing with inmates.  Many are unbalanced and have
 committed crimes and won't accept treatment.  So they get put in prison.  Long
 answer!  I guess the short answer is: I've been there."
 
 "Did Janeway assign you to do this?"
 
 "No.  She doesn't even know I'm here."
 
 "If you come what will you do?"
 
 "I don't have an agenda.  Probably play things by ear.  See how you are doing with
 your situation.  Play cards.  I'll try not to give you a lot of advise, but do take this one. 
 Let your visitors see you.  It'll be hard to face them at first.  It will be hard for them to
 come.  If you turn them away, they probably won't come back.  It gets lonely."  Tom
 paused and watched Ramsey.  He realized being his friend wouldn't be easy and
 Ramsey would have to make his own mistakes.  "I think it's time for me to go.  Hang
 in there."
 
 Tom left Ramsey pleased that he had gone to visit him when he did.  Tom would try
 to prevent Ramsey's mood from disintegrating.  However, Tom had seen the pattern in
 many inmates, most brood and get angry after the initial shame or embarrassment
 wore off.  Tom thought Ramsey had been given a stiff sentence.  Some of it was in
 Ramsey's hands.  Tom didn't really think he would be ready to be released for quite a
 while.  Ramsey had a temper and the capacity to feel self righteous.  Tom thought
 briefly and chuckled to himself.  That sounded like a pretty good description of
 himself.
 
 "Tom!"
 
 He turned and smiled.  It was B'Elanna.  "Hello."
 
 "I've been looking all over for you, the Captain said you could come down to
 Engineering and help me check out the engineering-helm link."
 
 "Sure, I'd be happy to do that.  Now?"
 
 "Yes, she gave you to me the whole rest of the day."  B'Elanna looked like she had
 been given the grand prize.
 
 "Lets go!"  She is definitely the most beautiful thing in the cosmos.  Hmmm.
 
 The 
 End