Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!!

I always hated Valentine's Day. Never mind the fact that I never had a valentine (I did last year, but couldn't enjoy it because it was my Accutane blood test day). My birthday is February 12.

Valentine's Day is one of those holidays that for all it's old-school religious meanings, has evolved into a day for Hallmark to cash in on everyone's love of all things cute or red or heart-shaped. Conversation hearts have always been a favorite tradition of mine. They're unique to the holiday, with their bright colors and cute messages, and at less than a dollar a box, it almost doesn't even matter that I'm buying them for myself. Almost, but not quite.

I wonder what I'll get for my boyfriend. It feels kinda weird; someone like myself having to worry about Valentine's Day presents. But inexperiance doesn't have to mean making a faux pas; I will not buy boxers with hearts on them, for example. Even when my boyfriend still went to my school, we both knew better than to order those sappy carnations for each other. They're a dollar apiece, and for what? Somewhere on the hectic T ride home either the stems snap or the flowers fall off or tear or something...once a few friends of mine ordered me a few carnations as a joke in 8th grade. Douglas got a lot more use out of them than I did, let me tell you.

If you're like most of the world and sneer every time you see those giant red, pink, and white drugstore displays at this time of year, think of how lucky you really are. Don't be jealous of all the giggly, smiling sods carrying bouquets of carnations. That just means that whoever loves them is too cheap for roses. Romantic candlelight dinners? Please. Nothing says romance to the under-21 crowd than Wendy's and some $6 champagne if they're lucky. As for those adorable little stuffed animals with a valentine motif, remember: it won't take long at all before they look as inappropriate lying around the house as the paraphernalia left from Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and the Fourth of July. I got my mom a Halloween mug at Old Navy last year. It features a cat dressed as a witch, sitting on a broom. Cute, but that's all people need to see right now, old holiday junk. The same will be said about that red M&M dispenser at Halloween 2003.

Need more consolation? Well, stop focusing on all the real-live guys and gals who think they're hot shzzt this 2/14; remember your favorite fictious fools, too. Scarlett O'Hara and Amelia Sedley (from Vanity Fair) could each only love one man...and look what happened to them. Daisy Buchanan wasn't getting any action from Jay Gatsby, even though she was married and all. Not a reader? Watch any stupid teen movie from the past five or six years. Or better yet, skip school some day and check out The Young and the Restless. Real romance is so rare that even books and movies have difficulty capturing it.

If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mistress/master/sex slave/etc, then realize you are part of a tiny, elite group. This is especially true if you recall the following:

  • People who "go out" under the age of 15 aren't impressing anyone.
  • Especially if the guy is younger.

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