Douglasism!!!!!!!!!

Douglasism is a religion which I invented not out of dissatisfaction with Judaism. It was invented for the following reasons:

• Christians go to war for stupid reasons with people they hate for equally stupid reasons.
• Muslims go to war for really stupid reasons with people they really hate for really stupid reasons. (Any who disagree with me...what were the Crusades? the Holocaust? Imperialism? 9/11?)
• I don't know much about Buddhism and Hinduism and other religions (and I certainly don't want to be Pagan, though it looks cool and all).
• "My" God obviously hates me because I had bad acne from the age of 11 to this day (well not so much now but there are scars), I live in West Roxbury, and stupid preppy girls make fun of my shoes with the cats on them. >=(
• The ancient Egyptians worshipped cats; the Goddess Bastet was a major diety for them. Cats were treated then as they ought to be treated - like Gods. The Europeans in the 17th century burned cats alive, and nowadays wear cat corpses...er...coats. But oh yes, they love animals. Puh-leeze. Cats to this day hate going to Europe. (Actually, if you consider how much they hate travelling, leaving it isn't great either...especially if they're en route to China or Korea.)
• Douglas is cute, furry, cuddly, and intelligent, thus being way better than any other "God." I'd rather worship him than the bastard that gave me acne. >=D

  My friend Julie also would like to take a moment to promote Julieism, the proud religion of all "hot" juniors with blonde hair and younger brothers who bring venus fly traps to lunch. Please let me know if you are interested in being a Julieist, as if I posted her e-mail address here too many weirdos would be sending her dumb crap that she is too cool to read. *sticks out tongue*

  Anyway, becomming a Douglasist is rather simple. One does not have to abandon one's present religion if it brings satisfaction; the only main change is the God worshipped. For example, if you go to a church or synagogue regularly, do go through the motions of praising the God that everyone else is praising. Just don't feel it in your heart. If you can do that, you're on the right track. The steps to being a Douglasist are as follows:

  • #1 - Click here to learn about Douglas and to see four pictures of him. He is excruciatingly cute.
  • #2 - Print one of these pictures. Cut the excess paper from around the picture when printed and have it in a good place - your pocketbook, backpack, a frame on your desk - somewhere safe where you can look at it often and it won't get ruined. You can even tape your picture to the rear window of your car. If your picture gets faded or damaged, replace it.
  • #3 - Talk about Douglas - a lot. Make sure everyone you know is familiar with him. Make sure that every time you mention his name, people know exactly who you are talking about. Mention him frequently every day, no matter where you are. Never fail to note how adorable and precious he is.
  • #4 - Buy things with cats on them. Shirts, school supplies, hair accessories, posters, dishes, etc. I even have cat shoes because I'm just so extremely cool. You can even read books with cats as leading characters (you'd be amazed at how many there are). Buy cat bookmarks for your non-cat books, and try to subscribe to Cat Fancy Magazine.
  • #5 - If you don't have a cat, adopt one, if possible.Treat that cat like royalty; feed it the best food, give it the best litter and toys, lavish attention on it, and for crying out loud, give the little angel a nice name. "Fluffy" is nice in cartoons, but your cat should be named Thibeault or Stella or something equally glamourous. Remember, your cat is better than you, and its name should reflect that. If your name is on a par with Thibeault or Stella, strive for a still better name for your little one. And if you do get a cat...NEUTER/SPAY IT!

  The kitty you worship should have a luxurious lifestyle.

  
  
  
  

  Enjoy being a Douglasist. All converts now have a lovely graphic for their websites; please be gracious and upload the graphic to your own server. Not being an asshole will make you oh-so-cool in the eyes of my cat.

  I have chosen the Divine Feline Path and am now a confirmed Douglasist. I answer to the Supreme, Almighty Cat. Click here to join me in devotion. (Or answer to this big boy. Whatever.)

  Place this code on your page and be sure to replace each [ with a < and each ] with a >:

  [center][TABLE] [TR] [TD] [font face="showcard gothic"][font color=ccccee]I have chosen the Divine Feline Path and am now a confirmed Douglasist. I answer to the Supreme, Almighty Cat. [a href=http://webspace.webring.com/people/ka/algonquin_knight/douglasism.html]Click here to join me in devotion.[/a] (Or answer to this big boy. Whatever.) [/font][/font][/TD] [TD] [img src="douglas002.jpg" height=150 width=200][/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE[[/center]