Soul Possession

Xena: [standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean] "Okay, hand it over."
Joxer: [handing over a scroll] "Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why don't we just destroy it."
Xena: "You can't. It's a binding agreement in every sense of the word. Ares made it, only Ares can destroy it. Our best bet is to hide it somewhere he isn't likely to find it. The Ionian Sea is famous for having caves that go on for miles. That's a lot of ground for him to cover. Come on."
Joxer: "Okay, wait a minute [wraps it in another scroll] If we can't destroy it, maybe we can disguise it."
Xena: "The old scrolled in a scroll routine, I'll buy that [slides the two scrolls into a vase and corks it] Wish me luck."
Joxer: "Good luck." [Xena jumps off the edge of the cliff into the sea]
Modern-day Diver: [with vase in hand] "Our treasure-hunting days have finally paid off. Someone's gonna pay top dollar for this baby."
Roxanne Fields: "Excuse me, if everyone would get settled in, we will begin the press conference. Please take your seats everybody. Please sit down. Thank you. Take your seats. Thank you very much. You can sit down now. Thank you Thank you all for coming. We have a lot to cover, so I'll turn you over to Dr. Frederick Delaney of C.H.A.K.R.A.M. (Center for the Historical Accuracy of Key Research in Ancient Mythology) Laboratories."

Fred: "Good afternoon, colleagues and members of the press. It is with great excitement that I address you this afternoon. A most revolutionary discovery has just recently been made. I hold in my hand a newly uncovered scroll of the life of Xena, Warrior Princess."

Xena Fan #1: [barging in] "New scrolls mean new episodes!"
Xena Fan #2: "Yeah! Season 7!"
Xena Fan #1: "Season 7 [being dragged out by security] Rob Tapert, give us what we want! Deliver us a new season, a 7th season of Xena!"

Roxanne: "Please excuse that interruption, ladies and gentlemen. Please continue, doctor."

Fred: "This scroll reveals a new piece to Xena's life. Xena was married to Ares, God of War"
Reporter: [on cell phone] "Doug, we've got tomorrow's front page."
Barb: "Barb Binder from Whoosh!. As webmaster of the Official Fan Site, I happen to know that Xena would never subscribe to the subjugating regime of marriage."
Reporter: "And wasn't Ares her most reviled enemy?"
Roxanne: "We'll field all questions and comments after Dr. Delaney is finished. Now, please let him continue."

Fred: "The scroll includes a contract between Xena and Ares with an accompanying story, which supports our theory that it is indeed a marriage license between the two. The time frame places it after Gabrielle and her evil daughter, Hope, seemingly perish after falling into a lave pit "

Gabrielle: "Hope!" [pushing Xena aside and flinging herself and Hope into the fiery pit]
Xena: "Gabrielle!"
Gabrielle: "Xena!" -- Sacrifice
Fred: "As we saw in the scroll entitled 'Adventures in the Sin Trade II,' upon looking for Gabrielle in the Amazon land of the dead, Xena received a vision from her enemy, Alti, which convinced Xena that Gabrielle was still alive "
Xena: "Gabrielle, you're the best thing in my life."
Gabrielle: "I love you, Xena." -- Adventures in the Sin Trade II
Fred: "This new scroll accounts for the missing time between Xena receiving the vision, and her finally finding Gabrielle ... Our story begins as Xena rides away from the Amazon land of the dead with new hope that Gabrielle is alive. Joxer, still in the throes of mourning over the loss of Gabrielle, taken to drink "
Joxer: "Oh, hi."
Xena: "Turn that frown upside down, mister. It's a beautiful day."
Joxer: "In case you didn't notice, I'm in a different kind of mourning."
Xena: "How many have you had?"
Joxer: "Just [holds up four fingers] two."
Xena: "Alright, it's time for you to sober up. You don't want Gabrielle seeing you this way. She's alive."
Joxer: "How do you know?"
Xena: "I had a vision."
Joxer: "Oh, you had a vision you know, Xena, denial ain't just a river in Europe."
Xena: "The Nile's in Africa."
Joxer: "It's that big?"
Xena: "Joxer!"
Joxer: "She's gone! Nobody can survive that fall."
Xena: "Alright, if you want to sit here and drink yourself into oblivion, be my guest, but I'm going out to find our friend, you big drunk."
Joxer: "Hey, I'm not drunk! If I were drunk, could I do [places mug atop his pointy helmet] that?"
Xena: "Evidently."
Joxer: "If I were drunk, could I do this [falls over a table] Ow!"
Joxer: [trekking through the woods] " are so pretty, just like Molly Malonius Belch!"
Xena: "Watch your step."
Joxer: "Oof! Oh, I'm Joxer the Mighty, I roam through the countryside with Gabby as his sidekick, fighting with her little stick she ain't got no little stick no more."

Annie/Joxer: "Pardon me! Pardon me, uh, Annie Day, editor in chief of the 'Joxer the Mighty Quarterly'."
Fred: "Yes, Miss Day."
Annie/Joxer: "Well, as one of the world's top experts on Joxer the Mighty studies, I think that I can throw some light on this new scroll thing."
Xena Fan #2: "Hey, that's that broad who discovered she was Joxer in a previous life."

Annie/Joxer: "I have a point of clarification."
Fred: "Alright."
Annie/Joxer: "Well, I'm afraid that your version of events is, in fact, spurious. From my research, I have ascertained that it was indeed Joxer who initiated the heroic search for Gabrielle, and it was he who pulled Xena out of a drunken stupor."
Fred: "No, that's inaccurate, Miss Day. From my research on all the Xena scrolls, I can assure you that Joxer never once flexed a heroic muscle. Now, please sit down, Miss Day. Thank you."

Roxanne: "At this time, we'll take a short break and reconvene in a few moments. You'll find coffee in the lobby."

Xena Fan #1: "Hey, how did you get over the horror of finding out you were that bumbling idiot, Joxer?"
Annie/Joxer: "Hey, Joxer was no fool. The guy they got to play him was a goofball, that's all. He was the producer's brother, for crying out loud."
Xena Fan #2: "At least you got to hang out with Xena and Gabby in a past life. We can't lay claims to anything that cool."

Xena Fan #2: "Speaking of the Warrior Princess and the Bard, what happened when your boyfriend, Harry, found out he was Xena in a past life?"
Xena Fan #1: "And then your past lives counselor was none other than his beloved sidekick, Gabrielle."
Annie/Joxer: [looking sick] "They got hitched."
Xena Fan #1: "Decent. Xena and Gabby finally a couple."
Xena Fan #2: "Wait till we tell the rest of the fans."

Annie/Joxer: [sobbing] "But I read his scrolls."
Joxer: "Yeah, I decided to carry on Gabrielle's legacy. I'm the bard now."
Xena: "Go on, read it."
Joxer: "'As the innocent Gabrielle plummeted to her fiery doom, Joxer, the ultimate warrior, watched in horror, his muscles bulging, one after another--'"
Xena: [snatching the scroll from him] "' and the light played on his steely, sun kissed buttocks'?"
Joxer: "Pretty good, huh?"
Xena: "Gabrielle, where are you now?"
Joxer: "She's gone. Where are we going, anyway?"
Xena: "To the temple where she disappeared. Maybe we can pick up her trail from there."
Joxer: "Oh, that's a great idea. Hey, maybe she left some breadcrumbs for us to follow."
Xena: "Gabrielle is alive and you're gonna help me find her whether you like it or not. Now, stay here. I'm gonna hit the 'ladies'."
Joxer: "Hey, why don't you hit some kids, too!"

Xena: "Gabrielle, we're not doing so good without you. But I'm gonna keep looking till I find you, I promise."

Ares: "What's happening?"
Xena: "Nothing that concerns you."
Ares: "Oh, you'd be surprised Ooh, picked up a little something on Gabrielle."
Xena: "You spying on me now?"
Ares: "No, I'm just worried you're still holding out hope guess that was a poor choice of words."

Xena: "What do you want?"
Ares: "You don't seriously think you're gonna find anything in the lava pit, do you?"
Xena: "Why should you care?"
Ares: "Oh, I care. Trust me."

Xena: "Ares, you are as much to blame as Hope for Gabrielle falling into that pit."
Ares: "Let's not go pointing fingers. Besides, you might be on to something. Gabrielle still alive? It's possible. But you're gonna need the help of a friendly god."
Xena: "I don't need you."
Ares: "Oh, admit it. With my powers I can cover a thousand times the area you can alone. If Gabrielle is out there somewhere, I'm your best bet for a speedy reunion."

Xena: "Why the sudden helping hand?"
Ares: "Well, over the years, we have caused each other a lot of grief, and I think that's because I couldn't express my true feelings."
Xena: "What are you driving?"
Ares: [dropping to one knee] "Will you marry me?"
Ares: "Come on, don't leave me hanging. Will you be my wife?"
Xena: "How's this for an answer--" [kicks him in the face]
Ares: "So, you're saying you need more time, right?"
Xena: "Um no."
Ares: "Okay, so no, you don't need more time?"
Xena: "I despise you. You've been tormenting me for years."
Ares: "That? That was just foreplay."
Ares: [getting kicked in the head again] "Oh, that'll leave a mark. Xena, I'm on a level here. I can't get you out of my head, or my heart."
Xena: "Let me help you with that." [attacks him again]
Ares: "You know, the harder you fight, the more inflamed my passion becomes."

Ares: "What do I have to do to show you I'm serious?"
Xena: "Die."
Ares: "Sadly, I'm a god. I know, a wedding gift, say Gabrielle."
Xena: "So she is alive."
Ares: "Well, I won't know until I start looking and I'm not gonna start looking until I have a good reason. Come on, Xena. Becoming Mrs. God of War is a small price to pay to find her. You might even enjoy it. In fact, I know you will."
Xena: "You give me one reason to trust you."
Ares: "It is true that I do have a reputation as somewhat of a trickster. I tell you what. Just to show you I'm serious, I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'll marry you in front of the Fates."
Joxer: "What's the big deal with the Fates?"
Xena: "A marriage in front of the Fates makes the bond eternal and unbreakable."
Joxer: "So that's good how?"
Xena: "To betray your spouse is to betray yourself. Ares couldn't harm me or anyone else I care about without harming himself. But I don't get it. What's he up to?"
Joxer: "Taking advantage of your deranged state, obviously."
Xena: "No, I have complete control of my faculties."
Joxer: "I'm taking you to a grief oracle."
Xena: "I'll give you grief. At least Ares is prepared to admit that Gabrielle is alive, which is more than I can say for you."
Joxer: "Are you seriously considering marrying Ares?"
Xena: "I will do whatever it takes to get Gabrielle back. Yes."
Gabrielle: "Xena Xena!"
Xena: [waking with a start] "Is somebody there?"
Gabrielle: "It's me Gabrielle."
Xena: "Gabrielle!"

Reporter: "Um, how could Gabrielle have shown up? That defies the logic of the following scrolls."
Xena Fan #2: "Xena and Gabby don't meet up until 'A Family Affair.' What kind of Brooklyn Bridge are you trying to sell us, Delaney?"
Fred: "Uh, where were we? Oh, yes, yes. Xena heard Gabrielle whisper to her "
Gabrielle: "Xena."
Xena: "Gabrielle Where are you, Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle: "I'm in your heart, where you must keep me."
[Suddenly very suspicious, Xena notices that Joxer is no longer at the campsite. She follows a path and finds him speaking through a rolled up parchment, imitating Gabrielle's voice.]

Joxer: "And don't bother looking for me, because I can't be found. I'm gone, um, just like in that one scroll that I wrote that time when I fought that guy with the big stick [Xena taps him on the shoulder from behind] just a minute, Xena and if Joxer wants a drink--"
Xena: "Idiot."
Mattie/Gabrielle: [pulling up in their red Jeep] "Nice driving, dear. Oh, that was the most fabulous vacation since our honeymoon, and I thought that nothing could top that. Wasn't it fascinating how being back in Greece brought back our lives as Xena and Gabrielle?"
Harry/Xena: "Yeah, except I shouldn't have had those last two goat cheese milkshakes."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "Is my little Warrior Princess' tummy still bothering him?"

Mattie/Gabrielle: "Home at last [sifting through mail from a very overstuffed mailbox] trash junk S&M catalog oh, there's a letter here from C.H.A.K.R.A.M."
Harry/Xena: "What's it say?"
Mattie/Gabrielle: "It's a conference blah, blah, blah they found a new scroll in the Ionian Sea, something about a radical interpretation. It's today. The conference is today."
Harry/Xena: "If that's what I think it is, the world could be in a lot of trouble. Come on, pumpkin, let's go."
Xena: "Ares Ares, I have your answer."
Ares: "You certainly took your sweet time."
Xena: "I was weighing up the pro's and con's. It wasn't a very balanced list. The truth is I just don't think we look right together on top of a wedding cake."
Ares: "Just as long as you look right on top of me."
Xena: "Don't get ahead of yourself."
Ares: "Xena, come on, what's it gonna be?"
Xena: "Ares, I would do anything to get my friend back. So, yes I'll marry you."
Ares: "What say we skip right to the honeymoon?"
Xena: "Wouldn't want to ruin your appetite."
Ares: "You won't regret this, I promise you, Xena."
Ares: "I guess we should discuss China. What do you want? The north? The south? I'm easy."
Xena: "I don't want your assets, Ares. But I do have one small demand for our wedding day."
Ares: "Name it."
Xena: "I want the ceremony to take place at the lava pit."
Ares: "Where Gabrielle died? Kinda morbid, don't you think?"
Xena: "No, I think it's fitting. I should be as close as possible to the one person in the world I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with as I give myself over to the one person in the world I would never chose."
Ares: "I know what this is, pre-wedding jitters. All brides get 'em."

Ares: "Okay you can have your fairy tale wedding, Xena. Well, I got to go break it to the folks. Can you imagine, Zeus and Hera are going to be your in-laws."
Xena: "Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse."
Joxer: "Ares, show yourself! Ares, I, Joxer the Mighty, command you to show yourself! Hey, jelly-butt, get down here!"
Ares: "So, tell me why I shouldn't kill you."
Joxer: "Did I say 'jelly-butt'? I meant, uh, buns of steel. It's a good thing you showed up, too."
Ares: "Showed up? For what?"
Joxer: "Well, this is your last night as a single god, right?"
Ares: "What?"
Joxer: "Your bachelor party, you big lug."

Joxer: "Ta-da! Miss Athens. Ah, 36-24-36. She loves Greek mythology, kids, and hopes one day all men can be brothers Next we have Miss Mesopotamia. Ah, an oasis in the desert [to Ares] wouldn't you love to take a little dip in that, hm? And finally, you'll fall for Miss Gaul. Ah, too much for the Roman Empire to handle, but not too much for the God of War."

Ares: "This is it?"
Joxer: "On short notice you know how it is."
Ares: "Blow. Amscray You honestly thought you could con me out of marrying Xena with this fistful of harlots? You know what? I got a pre-nup to sign."
Joxer: "Wait! There's more! [whistles ] Saving the best for last [two men wheel in a very large cake] Got a sweet tooth? You like Baklava? Here's three more layers of pure delight. Bite into this delicacy and it may bite back."

Meg: [pops out of the cake wearing only a whipped cream bikini with cherries in the appropriate spots] "Who's my little bubba? My little bubba. Who's my little bubba? Chookie chookie chookie chookie Give me an A! A! Give me an R! R! Give me as S! S! Give me an E! E! What do you got? Ares!"

Joxer: "Meg!"
Meg: "Joxer!"
Ares: "Who's Meg?"
Joxer: "It's, uh, a friend."
Meg: "A very good friend."
Ares: "I'm out of here."
Joxer: "No!"

Meg: "I'm cookin' in here. I need something to wet my whistle."
Joxer: "Try that." [hands her his flask of booze]
Meg: "Thanks."

Joxer: "Hey, what's with this whole cake thing?"
Meg: "Well, I needed a way to earn a few extra dinars [swipes some cream from her boob and sticks her finger in Joxer's mouth] what do you think?"
Joxer: "Banana cream. My favorite."

Joxer: "You know, a classy broad like you shouldn't be here. I'm gonna take you away from all this."
Meg: "You are?"
Joxer: "Yeah."
Meg: "Well, what happened to your other good friend, Gabrielle?"
Joxer: "Oh, her? Haven't you heard? She's dead."
Meg: "I'll drink to that."
Joxer: "Can't you see I'm grieving here?"
Meg: "Well, sorry, baby cakes, but dead is dead. You can't change that."
Joxer: "No, but I can try."
Meg: "Hey, wait a minute! These cherries cost five dinars a bushel!"
Fred: "... of course, we at C.H.A.K.R.A.M. were immediately concerned about the authenticity. We weren't interested in supporting a hoax like the Hitler Diaries, or that fan fiction, which claims to be based on legitimate scrolls. We have consulted the world's foremost experts ..."

Harry/Xena: "Annie."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "We thought you might be here."
Annie/Joxer: "Harry, and Harry's ho. What are you doing at the conference? I'd like to see some credentials, please."
Harry/Xena: "Annie, I know you're still a little upset about what happened between us, but you have to listen to me or we could all be in serious danger."
Annie/Joxer: "What are you talking about?"
Harry/Xena: "I know enough about what happens in that scroll to know how it turns out."
Annie/Joxer: "Well, don't ruin it for me. I hate it when people blab the spoilers."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "Annie, you don't understand. There's a very real possibility that Ares might show up here."
Annie/Joxer: "Ares? You mean the 'God of War' Ares?"
Harry/Xena: "None other. If my instincts are correct, he's bound to make an appearance."
[A man speeds down a distant road on a motorcycle. Dogs bark. Flowers die. Gee, wonder who he could be?]
Joxer: [knocking on the door] "It's, uh, it's Joxer are you decent?"
Xena: "I don't know about that. Come in anyway."
Joxer: "Wow, you look really beautiful, um despite the bleakness of the situation, I mean."
Joxer: "Look, Xena, is there nothing I can say to make you not marry Ares?"
Xena: "I don't know what else to do, Joxer. Look, you don't have to stay for the ceremony. You won't be letting me down."
Joxer: "If you're really going to go through with this, you must really believe Gabrielle's alive, huh?"
Xena: "I do. Yes."
Joxer: "Okay, then so do I. Won't need this anymore [tosses his flask of booze away] I'm sorry I was such a downer."
Xena: "I guess we all deal with loss our own way."

Joxer: "Look, I know this is a marriage made in Hades, but I figure we don't have to abandon every tradition, so here Something old. It's a lock of Gabrielle's hair. It's weird, I know. I got it when she got a haircut last and I want you to have it."
Xena: "I don't know what to say."
Joxer: "And, uh, something new [hands Xena a flower] I picked it this morning. First bloom of the season Something borrowed, uh my lucky rabbit's foot. I'm sure it will bring you more luck than the rabbit I chopped it off."
Xena: "I guess we need something blue now, huh?"
Joxer: "That's easy that's me."
Xena: [hugging her blue friend] Everything's going to be fine, Joxer, I promise."
Ares: "You are absolutely breathtaking."
Xena: "Yeah? Then how come you're still breathing?"

Clotho: "We have been called here today to witness the union of this god, Ares, and this mortal woman, Xena."
Lachesis: "The union which Ares and Xena are about to enter into shall be eternal and unbreakable by gods or mortals. Any breach in their vows will result in anguish for both."
Atropos: "In the name of Zeus, do you, Ares, God of War, take this mortal woman, Xena, for your eternal partner?"
Ares: "Yes. Yes, I do."
Atropos: "And in the name of our Mother, Goddess Hera, do you, Xena of Amphipolis, take Ares, God of War, for your eternal partner?"
Xena: "I do not. That's a promise I just couldn't keep." [grabs the marriage scroll and runs further into the temple]
Joxer: "You tell him, Xena. Xena you're running the wrong way!"
Ares: "Well, this is embarrassing."
Joxer: "Deal's off, Ares. Let her go."

Xena: [standing at the edge of the lava pit] "I'm coming, Gabrielle."
Ares: "Don't tempt the Fates, Xena."
Xena: "The honeymoon is over, Ares." [jumps into the chasm]
Joxer: "Xena? No!"
Joxer: "Now you've taken away both my best friends. My only the only people I know!" [pulls out his sword to attack]
Ares: "Right." [disappears as Joxer attacks him, who runs into the wall of the cave and is henceforth knocked unconscious]
[Ares materializes in the pit and catches Xena.]
Ares: "Get cold feet."
Xena: "More like I got an idea, one that paid off. You know, it always bothered me that you didn't intervene to save Hope. She was carrying your baby after all. Then you showed up acting all interested in my search for Gabrielle, and I knew you had to have something to do with it. I just had to play along with your little game to expose the truth."
Ares: "So what exactly did you uncover, Xena?"
Xena: "You saved me from the fall, Ares. There's no way you didn't do the same for Hope. A wedding in front of the Fates, that was a nice touch. That way you could prevent me from finding Hope and killing her. But you didn't just save Hope, did you? You saved Gabrielle as well. Yes, you thought she'd make a good bargaining chip, knowing that she was the only thing in the world that would induce me into making a deal with you."
Ares: "That is some detective work, and you're close, real close, but not quite."

Ares: "See, Gabrielle made a deal with me. In exchange for Hope's life, she offered me her soul. Yeah, you're right, it is quite a bargaining chip unless we cut a new deal. So, I have Gabrielle's soul. What do you possibly have that I would exchange for that?"
Xena: "You want my soul."
Ares: "That could work. I let Gabrielle live, but you must be my wife in your next life, and I guess, seeing as how it was one of those in-front-of-the-Fates kind of deals, that would be forever, eternity."
Xena: "And you would let Gabrielle and me live out this life in peace?"
Ares: "Okay, sounds like a deal, 'cause you know, she'd do it for you."

Ares: "Oh, thumbprint right here on the bottom line that didn't hurt, did it? And there it is, my free-access pass to your soul. And, as long as I have this, you're pretty much mine." [sticks the scroll in his back pocket]
Xena: "Wait! The other half of the deal, I don't see Gabrielle."
Ares: "Oh, I let her go, but you have to find her. I can't do everything for you."
Xena: "Oh, I'll find her."

Ares: "Just out of curiosity, what would have happed here today if I'd really been asking for your hand in marriage, no strings attached?" [Xena kisses him fiercely]
Xena: "Guess you'll never know."
Ares: [walking away with shaky knees, and less one scroll] "Call me."

Fred: "Xena made off with the contract. She hid it inside another scroll, the one I've been reading from, the one that was authored by Joxer, and hidden at the bottom of the Ionian Sea to prevent Ares from claiming her as his bride in an afterlife As we know, Xena and Gabrielle were reunited in Poteidaia "
Gabrielle: "Xena?"
Xena: "Gabrielle hey oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry." -- Family Affair
Fred: " and I am happy to say that Ares never did locate the scroll. We got to it first." [a man on a motorcycle bursts into the room]
Ares: "First, second, what does it matter? It's mine now."
Roxanne: "Did you schedule any celebrity appearances?"
Fred: "No, we contacted Bruce Campbell, but he was too much money."

Mattie/Gabrielle: "Harry was right."
Annie/Joxer: "Matching the thumbprint on the contract is all Ares needs to claim Xena as his own."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "Where the Hell is Harry?" [answer: on the throne purging a few goat cheese milkshakes]

Mattie/Gabrielle: "Hold on, man."
Ares: "Oh, the sidekick and the comic relief. This ought to be good."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "I don't appreciate being called a sidekick."
Ares: "Don't blame me."
Annie/Joxer: "Listen, Mr. Harbinger of Doom, we're not going to let you get away with this."
Ares: "Okay." [swats both of them aside]

Ares: "Hey there [pointing at the scroll] May I? [Fred hands him the scroll] Thank you Leave quickly."
Fred: "Aah!"

Harry/Xena: "Hold it right there, Ares."
Ares: "Xena, just in time. I have been waiting an eternity for this. I guess this makes me your [performs a very bad James Brown imitation] soul man, once I renew my signature."
Harry/Xena: "Over my dead spirit."

[Ares and Harry/Xena battle it out. Ares gets the upper hand, and tosses Harry/Xena into a pile with Annie/Joxer and Mattie/Gabrielle.]

Ares: "Xena in that body for an eternity. This I did not bargain for. I want Xena's soul in Xena's body. Everybody gets their proper souls back [puts Xena's soul into Annie's body and Joxer's soul into Harry's body] Now that I can live with forever."

Ares: "Hey, sugar."
Annie/Xena: "Oh, no, you're not taking this body. This one works much better." [attacks]

Ares: "To the moon, Xena! Hey, I was just wondering, Gabrielle, what's it like to have the person who gave up their life for you just lose hers forever?" [Mattie/Gabrielle responds by attacking him with a microphone stand]

Ares: [Harry/Joxer tries to sneak up behind him] "You would strike a man from behind?" [tosses Harry/Joxer headfirst into the wall, where he gets stuck]

Annie/Xena: "Workin' out the bugs."

Ares: "Oh, baby! Is that any way to treat an old flame?"
Annie/Xena: "It's time this flame was extinguished."

[Ares tosses a few fireballs at Xena/Annie, who manages to snatch up the contract in the melee.]

Xena Fan #1: "Hey, what's wrong with the special effects?"
Xena Fan #2: "Yeah, they're really cheesy."

Ares: "Stay right there [tries to zap Xena/Annie, who holds out the contract, which is incinerated] Un-freakin' believable!"
Annie/Xena: "Ares made it, Ares destroyed it. I guess this means you ain't got no soul."
Ares: "You might win the battle, Xena, but I'll win the war. Until next time, Xena--"
Annie/Xena: "Oh, you think there's gonna be one?"

Xena: "Joxer! [pulls him out of the wall] Are you alright?"
Joxer: "Fine. I'm fine. It's just my head."

Gabrielle: "Xena, no matter how hard Ares has tried, he has never been able to break us up."
Xena: "And he never will, I promise."

Xena: "What do you say we call it a day?"
Gabrielle: "Alright."
Joxer: "Sounds good."
Xena: "I liked you better blonde, but I can go with this."
Gabrielle: "Thanks."
Joxer: "Hey, anything I should know about this new body of mine?"
Xena: "Yeah, don't stray to far from the bathroom."
Joxer: "Oh, dear god, what did you eat?"

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