Ok this is my story. It might be kinda depressing, sad, and at sometimes gory but it's my true feelings on cutting and why I do it. I started cutting when I was 12 years old. I'm not sure why I started actually. Maybe it was curiosity. But it also helped out a lot when I was depressed. To get my feelings out. Another reason why I probably started cutting was because some of my friends did it. And I know that wasn’t the right thing to do either. And I totally regret it. Me and my friends were in a "club" and we carved stuff in ourselves to represent that we were friends. That nothing could ever tear us apart. But then when i had my first true boyfriend in 7th grade. I loved him a lot (or so I thought I did) and he supposedly loved me a lot too. I loved him sooo much that I carved his initials in my ankle. We had the best relationship... while it lasted. But then he broke up with me. I don’t exactly remember why though. And I went into depression. Cutting was not only for fun now. It was because I wanted to get my feelings out. When I was angry I would go up to my room, turn my radio on really loud, cry, cry, cry, and then I would do it. When I cut myself I couldn’t really even feel it. It was a numbness, a relief, and something that made me feel better. The first time I did it out of anger I took a sharp piece of glass (while I was crying) and I started down at my ankle I drug it up my leg as hard as I could. With as much pressure as I had anger. I stopped about 2 inches above my knee. I still have that scar and every time I look back on it I remember what I was feeling at that time. The pain that I had in my life. And I regret ever starting to cut. It's a nasty thing. But it gave me (and still does) a rush. I would love to take a really sharp razor blade and carve marks in my skin. To pressing it down.... and dragging it across my skin as hard as I could. It would stay white for a few seconds. Then it would come. The blood. Ohhhhhh how I loved to see the blood drip out. I don't know why, but this was a sign of relief. Then the pain that you had in your life from doing it... was no gone by the relief when you see the blood. I LOVED doing it. I did it ever day there for a while. But now I am 14 and a half now. I regret ever starting to do that. And I know that if they were my true friends we would have never let me do such a bad thing to myself. But yet I think God had a reason to lead me through all this pain. It was to cherish the good things in your life. Because once you have gone through soooo much hurt and sorrow, you try to see the positive side in life. To get you through the bad times. And I do cherish the positive stuff in my life. I have the most loving sweetest boyfriend I could have ever had asked for. And he actually does love me. And when we got together I stopped cutting because of him. I've learned that when you hurt yourself you also hurt the ones that love you. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I told him "I am a cutter". He told me never to do it again because he didn’t want me to go through any more pain. And I also am trying to stop because every time I hurt myself.... I hurt him also. I cut myself every once in a while. I try not to, but the urge is just too strong. And every time I do it again. I see the hurt in his eyes and it only hurts me worse. To anyone that reads this. Please if you cut try to stop ASAP before it gets too addicting and you can't stop. I thank God for all the good that he has brought into my life.
~Tina~ |