Ok. My Cutting Started 3 Years ago when I was in 7th grade. It started b/c I was suicidal and angry. At who? I didn't know then. One night I was in my room and I started to have an anxiety attack, Which I had all the time anyways so it wasn't anything new, and I was freaking out really bad and I thought I was going to die so I decided to slit my wrist thinking that I may bleed to death from it and die. I wanted to just get it over with. So I take apart a shaver and take one of the razors and cut my wrist pretty deep but not deep enough to do much harm you know. I sat there and watched the blood ooze outta the fresh wound and the attack just dissolved away. I was amazed, I though I die so I decided cut myself again to see if I would bleed. I took the same razor and made another cut higher on my arm. Surprisingly I bled and it felt good to see myself bleed and I liked the pain in a weird sorta way. I cut again and again until soon enough I blacked out. When I woke up my arm was stinging really bad so I looked down and I made atleast 50 cuts on my arm the night b4. Luckily it was cold that day so I threw on a long sleeve shirt and no one saw.
It was like I made a new discovery that night. And I kept on cutting my arms just high enough to where no one would see. I would cut everytime I would have a panic attack so it would go away. Then I started cutting my legs and it became a game for me. I would do it for fun just to see myself bleed. The panic attacks went away and I kept cutting. When I got pissed at someone I would go into my room and violently cut myself.
I would cut myself when I was depressed and that would be the worst b/c I wanted to die so bad. I would cut extremely deep and lie there and bleed and eventually pass out. Well, One day after I did that my friend saw and she told someone. My mom found out and flipped. So I decided to lay off it for a while. I didn't cut for about a month maybe. Then one night when I was in the shower I blacked out and cut my arm really bad. When I came to I looked down and saw blood all down my body. I didn't even know what razor I used. I ran out of the bathroom and showed my mom. That night I went to the hospital and got stitches. My mom asked me how I did it and I told her that I was trying to shave my arms and the shaver slipped. Luckily she believed me. For a while after that I would just Black out at random times and cut myself. I would even do it at school with razors that I brought.
It went on like that for a while. Then I finally came to realize why I hurt myself. I'm Punishing myself. I hate myself. Something inside of me doesn't want me to be happy. So I punish myself. I make myself bleed and hurt and I love it! That part of me took over and the weak part of me gave in, that was when I would black out, But now I am both sides. I see both sides now. I enjoy hurting myself and feeling the pain I am causing myself b/c I deserve it. I am worthless and a mistake.
I now cut myself b/c I feel if I don't I will go insane and hurt someone else. And I cut to see myself bleed and to feel the pain I cause myself then laugh at how weak and worthless I am. Cutting myself brings me happiness while it makes me cower and hurt. I am addicted to abusing myself. I know that one day I will snap and murder myself. I wanna know what it feels like to slice a main artery and slowly die from it. Murdering myself is inevitable. My death will come soon and I will be free. |