| Well... I am, obviously, Stace. At least, via the internet I'm Stace; in real life that's not my name. I'm paranoid though, so I don't give out my real name. There are a lot of people that I know (and care about) that do not know that I used to SI, and very few know (or at least acknowledge) that I am recovering from an ED, which I talk about in a few spots on here. I refuse to hurt my family like that.
I am 18, and currently a senior in high school, in a small town in Michigan, USA. I realize that my life is not horrible, and hardly the worst it could be, but I've also been through a lot of shit in my 18 years. I've had family problems, friend problems, and a few of them weren't (aren't) exactly your typical teen problems. I'm a Christian, too... which is a very, very important part of my life. The most important part, honestly.
I created this site because I used to self-injure, for a few months. I know that I never got as bad as some people did/are, and I thank God for that. Yet, it was still really bad. Two years after I stop, I still fight it sometimes... and still have more scars than I want to think about. You may be surprised how many scars you can acquire in a few short months...
"Why?" is the question I got a lot when I told my friends, or when they found out from someone else (usually the latter). I've never really been able to answer that, other than that I hated myself. I really, truly HATED myself, and I sometimes still have problems with it. For a few years, I used a pocket knife to punish myself for whatever I did wrong. It didn't bleed, though....
Then, my freshman year of high school, everything went completely downhill. Everything got so much worse... I was constantly on the verge of suicide. I have serious anxiety problems, and had for years before that. I thought that cutting would make me feel better without the actual dying part of suicide, so on October 22nd, 2001 (I think that's the right date), I broke open a shaving razor and cut my arm. The relief I felt was amazing... but it was only temporary. I cut my arms, but I eventually went to my legs, since I knew I would want to wear tank-tops (or even just t-shirts) eventually. (But isn't it odd that for about 2 months, I never wore t-shirts, and no one noticed unless I told them?)
Since then, I have hurt myself over and over, using blades from disposable razors, safety pins (isn't the 'safety' part ironic...), my nails, thumbtacks, and anything I could get my hands on. Today, I have 37 marks (less than 30 visible, though, some have faded) from those 4 or 5 forms of cutting, but I lost track long ago on how many times I've hurt myself (I've cut the same spot more than once, in most cases).
My problems with friends & family really made things worse. I'm not blaming them, but... it's true. Not being able to turn to people really make things worse..... then, of course, I've been fighting an eating disorder (well, not always FIGHTING it) since about 7th or 8th grade. Maybe even 6th, or before, I don't remember. But that definately made things worse. It got to the point where I was losing three pounds a week, but I couldn't admit that I had an ED, not even to myself. I just had a 'problem'. I confided in my bf at the time, but he made things worse (unintentionally) by pressuring me to stop when I knew that I wasn't ready to. Finally, it got to the point where I was constantly either starving myself or making myself throw up, and I could admit that I had a problem.
Things are going great for me right now- I haven't cut in over TWO YEARS!! I've got friends that care about me, and even if I still have self-image problems sometimes, in general I see myself in good ways. I have a boyfriend and it's pretty serious- he truly cares about me, even though I have told him about my past (and sometimes current) problems.
I truly believe that it is a miracle that I am alive today. I could've died from anorexia, and I know that I would've gotten the courage to kill myself long ago if it hadn't been for my faith. At one point in my life I truly believed that no one besides God could ever love me, and I'm sad to say that sometimes I doubted that even He could love someone like me, although HE DOES! (Don't forget that!) Please, if you SI, get help. Stop the pain. Someone out there loves you... God does, and given the chance, I'm sure I would too. :)
|As of November 17th, 2004 I am:|
|(SI-Free Button from Shattered Innocents.)|
|Last updated on
November 21st, 2004
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