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I could so relate to Elizabeth's entry. I am my worst enemy b/c I say all these
negative things to myself each day. Her friend was so wise in commenting that
if she would never say such mean things to other people, why would she say such
things to herself? I say or think things like, "I'm such a fucking failure
in life," or "I'm not good enough at anything," etc., etc. And I
know you're supposed to say something to counter each negative thought, so you
know what the only lame ass thing I could come up with for that first comment?
Well, at least I'm not on drugs or in jail! Good grief, I hope I can come up
with something better than that soon. I think I'll carry a pen and small
notepad with me for the whole day tomorrow and jot down each negative thought
about myself that I have.
*~*
Living at home alone is real lonely. I'm a real loner type, craving lots of
privacy, but this living on my own thing is too much work, on top of being
lonely. All this damn housework (I remembered that I had forgotten to water all
of my dad's plants when I saw that comic strip Ben, in which the
daughter Peggy was lamenting how she always forgets to water her plants), and
having to remember to cook for oneself BEFORE you become hungry, then washing
up the pots & pans & dishes afterward. Living on one's own is for extroverts - you know, people who are rarely
home or have lots of visitors.
*~*
Notes
from my Drawing Class.
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I've read/ heard many times that you ought to pursue your passion. Well,
sometimes, I'm not really sure what my passions are. Yeah, I want to make a
difference in society. And, I want to be able to support myself financially,
not only without having to worry about how I would pay my bills the next month,
but also being able to purchase books and art supplies and plants and nice
clothes and the occasional jewelry, to eat out and see shows once in a while,
and to be able to go on trips once in a while. But, I'm just so lost. I just
don't know how to go about doing this. I certainly don't have much confidence
in myself. So, I'll take baby steps. I'm going to start out by listing some
activities just off the top of my head as to what I enjoy doing. Perhaps the
list will trigger some ideas for the future.
- ART:
- drawing, painting, going to art galleries, seeing documentaries about
artists at work, going into artist studios, talking to artists and
gallery owners or collectors, looking at art in books, hanging out in
art supplies stores (my idea of a candy store)
- PLAYING W/ MY NIECE:
- TEACHING:
- not to show how smart I am, but to find effective ways of
understanding a concept, teaching people how to solve problems on their
own, building up people's self-confidence in themselves
- EATING:
- doesn't have to be fancy food, just interesting tasty food, reading
about food, looking & smelling food, thinking about food, watching
cooking shows
- TRAVELING:
- I want to see ALL the neighbourhoods in a new city, unless it's too
dangerous. And when I feel confident traveling on all of the city's
public transportation types, I feel great. I can go anywhere; being
independent is great.
- SHOPPING:
- only if I have money and am not in a hurry, and sales people are nice
to me
- WATCHING DOCUMENTARIES:
- not so much educational snorathons, but documentaries that let us in
on people's personal lives, and which tell us a bit about our society
- WATCHING MOVIES
- READING - NEWSPAPERS:
- (except usu. the Wheels, Classified, Sports, & Business
Sections), BOOKS (incl. hanging around libraries and new &
used book stores, and checking out other people's books on their
shelves), INTERNET
- WRITING -IN MY ONLINE DIARY, ETC.
- TALKING TO MYSELF:
- SURFING THE WEB
- PLAYING LITERATI & WORD GAMES on YAHOO!:
- SLEEPING:
- PLAYING V-BALL, TENNIS, BIKING, HIKING LEISURELY, LEARNING MODERN DANCE,
CAMPING, SOCCER
- DRIVING (esp. ALONG COUNTRY ROADS), or just running errands and BEING INDEPENDENT
- WRITING LETTERS TO THE NEWSPAPER EDITOR (to complain, of course)
- WRITING COMPLAINT EMAILS TO PEOPLE OF INFLUENCE:
- (e.g. to Federal Trade Commission re: spamming, to politicians and
officials during Bus Strike)
- WATCHING TV:
- (I've always liked Seinfeld, but I'm beginning to really really like
the reruns and think that it would've been so cool to have been a writer
for that show) - I watch a shit load of TV.
- MEETING NICE, INTERESTING PEOPLE - talking to them one on one
- HELPING THE UNDERDOG
- LEARNING MORE ABOUT CHINESE-CDN /AMER. HISTORY
- BEING PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER:
- being behind the scenes organizing or helping out at an event, whether
it's a career fair, a performance, a children's festival, etc.
- GOING INTO PEOPLE'S HOMES & BEING NOSY:
- not just people I know, but also strangers' homes. I loved attending Open
Houses when I was young.
- HANGING AROUND GRANVILLE ISLAND
- LEARNING NEW THINGS
- DAYDREAMING
- There were other things that I used to enjoy doing, but not so much
anymore. For example, I don't devote much time to politics and public policy
issues in the news as much.
*~*
What do I do for a living? I'm a homemaker - sans kids, husband, 'sugar
daddy', or even my a house that I own.
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I Talk To Four Walls - an online journal
