There are many misconceptions out there about depression and most of the people I have met do not really know what depression is. I think everyone has had times in their life when they were sad or unhappy, but that is not what I mean when I talk about depression. I am not talking about the normal feelings one goes through when they lose a job or a relationship. I am talking about a feeling of despair and hopelessness that can last for months, years even. You lose interest in things that used to give you pleasure and even the simple task of getting out of bed in the morning can be extremely difficult. I have had people say things to me like "Why don't you snap out of it" or "If you got a job you would feel better". I know they mean well, but sometimes saying these kinds of things can make matters worse! A depressed person often feels like a failure enough as it is. Telling them to get a job only makes them more aware of that. If you told me to get a job, you may as well be telling me to fly to the moon..on a bicycle! I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I will never be cured because there is no cure! Medication and therapy can only help manage the symptoms of this disease. Would you tell someone who is paralyzed to just get up and walk???? No! That would be absurd, wouldn't it? Not to mention cruel. So, what can you do if you know someone who is depressed and you really want to help? Well, for starters, educate yourself. Read all you can on the subject. Let the person know that you care about them and you are there for them. LISTEN..don't judge or offer advice. Remember, there is no cure for this disease. Many who suffer from it are unable to work. I cannot work and my family has a hard time understanding this. For years I had to deal with the painful stigma of being "lazy", a "troublemaker", etc. because no one recognized the symptoms of my disease. Go here for a list of other things that are bad to say to someone who is depressed. When I try to think back as far as I can remember, I cannot recall there ever being a time when depression was not present. It has always been a constant in my life. Many people do not understand what depression is like and I do not understand what not being depressed is like. The concept is so foreign to me. I remember being around 5 years old and wishing I could die. I didn't know anything about suicide..I just wished that something would happen to me or that I would go to sleep and never wake up. By the age of 11 I made my first suicide attempt by swallowing a whole bottle of aspirin. Obviously, it did not kill me, but I got very sick. My father thought I had the flu and I didn't try to tell him otherwise. A few years later when I told him what really happened, he just said that it was one more thing I failed at. I have since tried to take my own life approximately 6 times. I live daily with my suicidal thoughts and desires and the last time I seriously wanted to end my life was only a few months ago..
Mental illness runs on both sides of my family. I have lost a few relatives to suicide and those who are still alive are either in institutions or are untreated. When I was diagnosed at the age of 25, I was told I was bipolar II. I also suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and borderline personality disorder. It has now recenlty been dscovered that my mood swings are not due to bipolar disorder, but schizophrenia as well as the borderline personality disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. I run an email support group named Borderline for those who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I also practice something known as self injuring or self mutilation. It's a dark secret that has been a part of me for a very long time now. It is my secret shame that I have been successful in hiding from most everyone except those nearest to me, like my husband. To someone who has no experience with this, it is hard to understand why someone would intentionally inflict pain on themselves by cutting, burning, etc. I don't even understand it myself except that it is a very strong compulsion that I have, as of yet, failed to quit. It is very painful for me to talk about and you may wonder why on earth I am posting this for complete strangers to read. All I can say is that if it helps only one person to realize they are not alone and that they need help, it is worth it. If you have this secret shame inside of you like I do, please feel free to email me anytime. I care and I know your pain. I often feel like a freak and I don't fit in. I often feel like a volcano under immense pressure and cutting relieves some of that pressure. Most people I know who also do this are just injuring themselves, but I also do it for mutilation. This puts me in the minority of a minority, if that makes any sense!! I am trying to learn other ways of coping, but it has been very difficult and I often revert back to my old ways. It is one of the hardest things I have tried to quit and I am a former alcoholic and cocaine addict. Using drugs and alcohol is a common practice known as self medicating. It just means that we use these substances to cope with our disease. I did not know what was wrong with me when I was doing drugs. I just knew I had this intense pain and hopelessness inside and I needed to lessen it somehow. The embarassment and shame I feel when people ask me about my scars is immense and I can only adivse people to be sensitive when they notice someone has many scars. If the person wants to talk about it, they will when they are comfortable. Don't ask a lot of questions as it only increases the pain and guilt.
I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. A close relative of mine repeatedly molested me until around age 8. I also was raped on more than one occasion as a teenager. If this has happened to you as well, you are not alone and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. This is something I am only coming to terms with myself now with my therapist. Like it or not, it has become a part of who I am and I can never change that. I often meet other survivors of sexual abuse and it never ceases to amaze me how prevalent this kind of abuse is. It's sad and disgusting. I do not want to consider myself a victim, but recovery is a long, hard journey. My abuser has never been brought to justice and he still lives closer to me than I'd like
In memory of women everywhere whose lives have been affected by violence, please place a candle image on your Web page.
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