::Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout # 1::

Interpersonal effetiveness skills are used to help with problems with passive-aggressive or aggresive behavior in relationships, high social anxiety or discomfort, and difficult communicting effectively with others.

Attending to relationships
- Don't let hurts and problems build up
- Use relationships skills to head off problems
- End hopeless relationships
- Resolve conflicts before they get overwhelming

::Balancing priorities vs. demands::
- If overwhelmed, reduce or put off low-priority demands
- Ask others for help; say no when necessary
- If not enough to do, try to create some structure and responsibilities; offer to do things

::Balancing the wants-to-shoulds::
- Look at what you do because you enjoy doing it and "want" to do it; and how much you do because it has to be done and you "should" do it. Try to keep the number of each in balance, even if you have to:
- Get your opinions taken seriously
- Get others to do things
- Say no to unwanted requests

::Building mastery and self-respect::
- Interact in a way that makes you feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent.
- Stand up for yourself, your beliefs and opinions; follow your own wise mind.

::Interpersonal effectiveness homework 1::

Figure out your goals and priorities in any situation that creates a problem for you such as ones where: 1) Your rights or wishes are not being respected, 2) you want someone to do or change something or give you something, 3) you want or need to say no or resist pressure to do something, 4) you want to get your position or point of view taken seriously, 5) there is conflict with another person. Observe and describe in writing as close in time to the situation as possible.

PROMPTING EVENT for my problem: What did what to whom? What led up to what? What is it about this situation that is a problem for me?

My WANTS AND DESIRES in this situation: Objectives: What specific results do I want? What changed do I want the person to make? Relationship: How do I want the other person to feel about me after this interaction? Self-respect: How do I want  to feel about myself after the interaction?

My PRIORITIES in this situation: Rate priorities 1 (most important), 2 (second most important), or 3 (least important).

     _____ OBJECTIVES     _____ RELATIONSHIP     _____ SELF-RESPECT

CONFLICTS IN PRIORITIES that make it hard to be effective in this situation?

            ::
Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout #2::
::Objective effectiveness: Getting your objectives or goals in a situation ::
Obtaining you legitimate rights
Getting another to do something
Refusing an unwanted or unreasonable request
Resolving an interpersonal conflict
Getting your opinion or point of view taken seriously
Questions:
1. What specific results or changes do I want from this interaction?
2. What do I have to do to get the results? What will work?


::Relationship effectiveness: Getting or keeping a good relationship ::
Acting in such a way that the other person keeps liking and respecting you
Balance immediate goals with the good of the long-term relationship
Questions:
1. How do I want the other person to feel about me after the interaction is over?
2.What do I have to do to get (or keep) this relationship?


::Self-respect effectiveness::
Respecting your own values and beliefs; acting in a way that makes you feel moral
Acting in a way that makes you feel capable and effective
Questions:
1. How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction is over?
2. What do I have to do to feel that way about myself? What will work?

            ::
Guideline for Objective Effectiveness: Getting What You Want::
                                                "DEAR MAN"


::[D]escribe::
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

::[E]xpress::
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident. Give a brief rationale. Use phrases such as "I want," "I don't want," instead of "I need," "You should," or "I can't."

::[A]ssert::
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that the others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don't expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

::[R]einforce::
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining consequences. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Tell him or her (if necessary) the negative effects of your not getting it. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want. Reward him or her afterwards.

::(stay) [M]indful::
Keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don't be distracted. Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over. If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Don't respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.

::[A]ppear confident::
Appear effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying "I'm not sure," etc.

::[N]egotiate::
Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problems. Reduce your request. Maintain no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.

::Turn the tables::
Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for alternative solutions: "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not able to say yes, and you seem to really want me to. What can we do here?" "How can we solve this problem?"
Hosting by WebRing.