[Note: This curious document was found stuffed into a copy of Healing with Beer by Brew Joy, M.D. in a metaphysical book store in Los Angeles. The actual existence of the organization described is highly unlikely.]
Throughout the ages, the Wise have had little doubt that there exists a single great Order in which all Magical Power, Knowledge, and Virtue is concentrated. True Initiates believe this Great Order to be none other than the SACRED MAGICIANS of the UNKNOWN GNOSIS. Though formally established in 1989, S.M.U.G. is in fact the Single Repository of Divine Truth and the Sole Valid Current Manifestation of the True, All-Western Esoteric Tradition, traceable through a Nearly Unbroken Lineage all the way back to shortly before the Big Bang.
HISTORY OF THE ORDER
The Original Founder of S.M.U.G. saw the need for a rigorous, strictly organized, uncompromisingly graded instructional curriculum for the edification of His Angels in True Knowledge and Divine Science, free from all error; thus was S.M.U.G. Created. All of the Great Esoteric Systems, Orders and Movements throughout History, such as the K.T., the F.R.C., the O.R.R.A.C., the F.&A.M., the A.A.S.R., the A.P.R.M.M., the O.I., the A.A.O.N.M.S., the T.S., the G.D., the U.B., the F.O.G.C., the A.M.O.R.C., the A∴A∴, the S∴S∴, the M.M.M., the Z.Z.Z., the O.T.O., the S.O.T.O., the T.O.T.O., the O.T.A., the O.T.B., the O.T.C..., the O.T...I..., the O.T...N., the O.T., the T.O., the O.T.O.T.O., and the Discordian Society were in fact founded by High Initiates of S.M.U.G. All men and women throughout history who have ever achieved anything of note were, by definition, initiated, card-carrying, dues-current members of S.M.U.G.; and indeed, owed all their success and achievements entirely to their S.M.U.G. membership. The Rulers of all the Great Nations of the World are secretly guided by the Concealed Masters of S.M.U.G., and the Great Repository of S.M.U.G. Knowledge contains everything worth knowing by True Initiates.
During the recent period of world chaos, S.M.U.G. was forced for a time to withdraw itself into the Unmanifest. But now, since the world situation has so greatly improved, S.M.U.G. has thankfully been revived, and is now headed by the World's Greatest Expert in Symbolism and Truth: the Wisest, most Powerful and Perceptive Genius to ever condescend to plant his boot upon the face of this planet, or any other, Mr. Lucius F. Engelbright, B.A. Mr. Engelbright is in possession of Scientifically Authenticated Documentation which proves that he is the True and Sole Authorized Successor and Reincarnation of Paul Foster Case, the Comte de Saint Germain, M. MacGregor Mathers, Aleister E. Crowley, Arthur E. Waite, Paschall B. Randolph, Helena P. Blavatsky, Jesus H. Christ, and many others. Mr. Engelbright is well-known among the circle of True Initiates to be incapable of error, even under the most difficult and embarrassing circumstances. He possesses an Honorary Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astrological Medicine from a Recognized University, and is generally considered to be an Attorney.
While studying for a promising career in The Law, Mr. Engelbright had an unexpected experience that changed his life. Shortly after the Winter Solstice of 1988, Mr. Engelbright was approached by one of the Concealed Masters in his own home. The Master S.C. appeared, a man of great age yet vigorous health, dressed in a red garment. He informed Mr. Engelbright, without flattery, that he, Lucius F. Engelbright, B.A., was the only human being on the planet worthy of reviving the Greatest Organization Ever Known. After providing him with the magical implements he would require, all carefully and neatly wrapped in small boxes, the Master suddenly turned, laughed mysteriously, gave the Secret Sign of the Concealed Masters, and disappeared up the chimney, not to be seen again for an entire year.
Mr. Engelbright's consecration was completed the following year, when, shortly after the Vernal Equinox, he was visited by the Master E.B. A silent yet energetic individual, the Master E.B. appeared in his characteristic gray fur cloak. He confirmed Mr. Engelbright's election, and conferred upon him a Sacred Symbol of Regeneration in the Spirit.
As part of his Consecration, the Master E.B. directed Mr. Engelbright to partake of an Eucharist Symbolic of the Entire Course of Life. During his solemn consumption of the Sacred Bowl Full of Cherries, Mr. Engelbright suddenly experienced an acute pain; and he knew at once that he had received the Stone of the Wise. He immediately retired to his chamber for the evening to meditate.
While asleep in bed, he was visited by the ethereal presence of a third Concealed Master, the Master T.F. The Master T.F. relieved him of his pain, and left a Sacred Silver Disc beneath his pillow as a symbol of the Spiritual Wealth the resurgence of the Great Order would bring to the World, and of the Recognition and Respect which the World would return in Holy Gratitude to the Unselfish Mr. Engelbright. Convinced of the seriousness of his new endeavor, Mr. Engelbright has never smiled in public since that day.
As if to refresh the memory of those who doubt, the Masters have since reappeared several times in shopping malls, movie theaters and other places to Mr. Engelbright as well as to his Most Beloved Disciple.
After his Consecration by the Concealed Masters, Mr. Engelbright immediately began making preparations for the fulfillment of the Great Destiny bestowed upon him. He excused himself from unprofitable organizational ties and useless friendships and commitments; taking care to technically preserve the narrowest legal interpretations of his former obligations while retaining as much of that Vast Storehouse of Secret Documents with which he had been entrusted as his keen Lawyer's conscience would allow; i.e. all of it. He abandoned his studies toward his Law Degree, and his plans to pass the Bar, in order to dedicate his time to the Order; having to make his way through the business world with only the empty title of Attorney to assist him. However, even though the world can use all the trained, qualified Attorneys it can get, it has gained an Infinitely Greater Boon in the revival of S.M.U.G.
THE RITES AND CEREMONIES OF THE ORDER
The Rites and Ceremonies of S.M.U.G. are Incomparably Grand, and thoroughly packed with Profound Symbolism and Interesting Facts. In the midst of fragrant clouds of the Finest Incense, S.M.U.G. Officers, Regaled in Elaborate and Colorful, yet Tasteful, Costumes, Intone Solemn and Penetrating Orations, conferring Mystic Powers upon Eager Neophytes with Subtle and Mysterious Symbolic Gestures and Precise Manipulations of Fantastic Implements of Magical Technology so highly Charged with Spiritual Energy that they seem almost warm to the touch. The Magical Currents set in Motion during the Great Conventicles of S.M.U.G. are so Overwhelmingly Powerful and Efficacious that only ignorant fools dare to doubt them.
THE RIGHTS, PRIVILEGES AND TRAINING OF THE INITIATES
All S.M.U.G. initiates are endowed with the Indefeasible Right to Act in accordance with their Exalted Station in Life. They are Fully Authorized to publicly expose the numerous faults, errors and pretentious claims of the dilletantes, dupes, slaves and toadies belonging to lesser organizations and to ignore with regal impunity their envious mockery.
In the early degrees of S.M.U.G., after having divested himself completely of all impure and unauthorized knowledge, the Candidate is instructed in the traditional mysteries of the Latin Alphabet and the system of Arabic Numeration. If the Candidate is able to pass a severe, self-graded, multiple-choice examination on these subjects, he (or she: S.M.U.G. acknowledges the modern conception that most women can equal Men in nearly all ways) may proceed to instruction in the deeper mysteries of the symbolism of Color, Musical Notes, Birthstones, and Mythical Animals. His superiority to ordinary humanity having thus been assured, he is next permitted to purchase and read books on Alchemy, Astrology (Scientific Sidereal Astrology only, superstitious forms of Astrology are unauthorized), the Kabballah, Parapsychology, Radionics, Channeling, Positive Thinking and other Topics Critical to the Survival and Future Well-Being of the Human Race. Before he is allowed to Progress to the Ultimate Instructions of S.M.U.G., he must prepare a Number of Essays and Book Reports, at least Two Double-Spaced Pages long, and submit them to his S.M.U.G. Guides, along with his Diary of Dreams, Ruminations and Breathing Exercises (and a copyright waiver), for filing in the Great S.M.U.G. Repository.
The Initiates of S.M.U.G. receive vast quantities of high quality, professional looking instructional materials, written by Mr. Engelbright himself, with the assistance and collaboration of the Greatest of Ancient and Modern Authors on Magic, Mysticism and Divine Science. The Great Value of these Materials is evidenced by the Terrible Oaths of Secrecy which the Candidate is required to take concerning them. True Initiates know that if this Exceedingly Precious Compilation of Interesting Facts were ever to fall into the wrong hands, the results could be disastrous for all concerned.
Through constant, regular participation in S.M.U.G.'s patented Guided Meditations (tm), S.M.U.G. initiates are rendered invulnerable to outside hypnotism, negative thoughts, and other undesired influences. However, despite the best efforts of the Great Friends of Humanity, some individuals may find themselves incapable of the dedication and intelligence required for progress in S.M.U.G. S.M.U.G. is an organization of High, Liberal and Equitable Principles, and it recognizes that the One and Only Path of Truth, Light and Wisdom is not for all. Therefore, members who choose to stray from the Path and return to their former state of darkness and despair may freely resign from S.M.U.G. at any time, upon returning all instructional materials by Express Mail, suitably insured, and upon forgetting all their S.M.U.G. teachings.
Though they are perfectly free to leave, they must keep in mind that, by doing so, they render themselves utterly incapable of ever accomplishing the Great Work, or any other achievement worthy of the Notice of True Initiates; and that by removing themselves from the Influence of the Benevolent and Healing Protective Rays of S.M.U.G., they open themselves to all manner of Magical Attack by Black Magicians and Evil Spirits. They must also realize that they shall ever be subject to the Swift and Sure Bolts of Magical Death which the All-Wise and All-Compassionate Concealed Masters of S.M.U.G. will surely direct their way should they ever consider revealing even the most trivial, inconsequential, banal, stupid and ridiculous of S.M.U.G.'s profound secrets; or if they should ever speak of S.M.U.G. or Mr. Engelbright in anything but a reverential tone.
APPLICATION FOR ADMISSION
Candidates for admission to this Antient and August Association must be at least 22 years old, and must have enrolled in a recognized college or university at least once. They must exhibit a sincere desire to serve Humanity by serving S.M.U.G., and must demonstrate a technical ability to perceive the TRUTH of Facts Revealed to them, unencumbered by the bonds of mundane "reason" and so-called "common sense".
If you think you might qualify, please send $5.95 and a brief letter begging for admission to:
(the remainder of the document has been torn off)